Intrusive thoughts/anxiety and autism

[MildredHubble]

Think it's great you talked about this. This is actually the first thing l ever felt shame over, anxiety. Most of the time l deny it is happening. I wish you would do a post on this. I think a lot of us suffer from your well-written mentions but we have to much self-doubt or shame to truly talk about this. Bravo to you, you made me look at my thoughts regarding this. You are such a valued member here at this forum. Your honesty is beautiful.

Just feel the true definition of autism is another a-word, ---anxiety. I have always come from anxiety. I totally identify with Woody Allen's comedy which is 100 based anxiety. To me there is so much uncertainty in the world, and our chance of being targeted does creep up in our mind, so anxiety is how l roll. I would be curious in learning if NT's experience anxiety quite to the extent that we on the spectrum do.

I think a lot of NTs and those who "work" in mental health services have a very different experience with anxiety. To them I'm sure, based on their attitude to myself (and others I know) that they believe anxiety is transient and quick to resolve. They have literally zero ability to comprehend what it's like to live in it and it's emergent properties 24/7 365 days a year.

We are just simply not talking about the same things, they have no frame of reference. This is why I believe vulnerable people are left in a state of distress, because it's basically a game of chicken to them but it's not them who will inevitably get hit ultimately. But it seems nothing is learned each time they are proven wrong.

But this is why they have standardised diagnostic manuals so in theory everyone should have the same experience when it comes to treatment. Sadly this doesn't often materialise. So you have to be assertive and advocate for yourself. Something that's easier said than done when you struggle to function.

 

[Aspychata]

I think a lot of NTs and those who "work" in mental health services have a very different experience with anxiety. To them I'm sure, based on their attitude to myself (and others I know) that they believe anxiety is transient and quick to resolve. They have literally zero ability to comprehend what it's like to live in it and it's emergent properties 24/7 365 days a year.

We are just simply not talking about the same things, they have no frame of reference. This is why I believe vulnerable people are left in a state of distress, because it's basically a game of chicken to them but it's not them who will inevitably get hit ultimately. But it seems nothing is learned each time they are proven wrong.

But this is why they have standardised diagnostic manuals so in theory everyone should have the same experience when it comes to treatment. Sadly this doesn't often materialise. So you have to be assertive and advocate for yourself. Something that's easier said than done when you struggle to function.

Very perceptive of you. Are you studying psychology?

 

[MildredHubble]

Very perceptive of you. Are you studying psychology?

Thanks! I'm not studying psychology. I read about it sometimes because I find it interesting but really I have analysed and analysed my interactions with people in mental health services and this is my hypothesis, basically we are living in two very different worlds. It's my best attempt at an explanation for why the things I experienced happened and why I seem to be having a totally different conversation with them to the one I thought I was having.

 

[Au Naturel]

Think it's great you talked about this. This is actually the first thing l ever felt shame over, anxiety. Most of the time l deny it is happening. I wish you would do a post on this. I think a lot of us suffer from your well-written mentions but we have to much self-doubt or shame to truly talk about this. Bravo to you, you made me look at my thoughts regarding this. You are such a valued member here at this forum. Your honesty is beautiful.

Just feel the true definition of autism is another a-word, ---anxiety. I have always come from anxiety. I totally identify with Woody Allen's comedy which is 100% based anxiety. To me there is so much uncertainty in the world, and our chance of being targeted does creep up in our mind, so anxiety is how l roll. I would be curious in learning if NT's experience anxiety quite to the extent that we on the spectrum do.

I think someone who experiences anxiety to that level is not neurotypical by definition.

My own intermittent anxieties are based on things in my past, but they are quite irrational. Something will pop into my head from 50 years ago. Either I did something wrong, or somebody did wrong to me. I have to override those thoughts because giving them free rein only triggers anxiety, stomach pain, and insomnia. One day of Valium breaks this spiral, and I can return to normal, but I prefer not to go there to begin with.

Very strange because these same things did not bother me when I was younger. I think my mind isn't what it used to be.

 

[GypsyMoth]

So I don't open up about my mental health very much at all, because this is the reaction I usually get.

Sometimes it's hard to know who to open up to, too. What about the person you're talking with, Are they trustworthy? What about how secure they are in themselves? I heard a story about this once, that we each are like a glass jar filled partway with water. Sometimes we may pour ourselves into another person and their jar is sufficient to hold both their own water and what we have shared. Other times, what we've shared pours over their edges. They just don't have the capacity to help us. Still other jars have sharp edges--these get mad--and others still are cracked and leak. These want to avoid, deflect, or gossip about what they've heard in confidence.

I liked this story because I tend to always take on the full burden of being misunderstood. It reminds me that maybe the person I've shared my problems with maybe wasn't the right person to entrust them to. I try to chalk it up to experience --and not engage in self-blame-- and consider who might be a better person for entrusting what is valuable to me. It's kind of working. Although, if I were to actively go out and find such a person, I am sure I could not. I think these kinds of friends are rare and far between.

 

[GypsyMoth]

It got really bad during January-May and toned down for a good few months until now, where I would get these unwanted thoughts, even on medication for it.

Hi @mysterionz, one of the things that has helped me most has been all of the people here who have been willing to listen and speak into the things I've shared about my experiences. What you're doing here, by sharing, is inviting people into your life and asking us to come alongside you as go through this. A therapist does the same thing. So your dad might be against the profession but friends represent a much better sort of relationship. I'm glad you have so many friends here who are concerned about you and your well-being.

I've read many but not all of the replies here so far and noticed something missing from the ideas. You mentioned that Jan-May was a most difficult time for you, but then things began to improve? Is it at all possible that your mood and anxiety are linked to the change in seasons? Something I am wanting to do for myself is invest in a small, full-spectrum desk lamp. It's supposed to help with seasonal anxiety disorder. I don't think I have that, but I have been struggling with my own things and thought I'd try stacking the deck in my favor. Perhaps it could be a help to you, too?

I have been struggling with some things myself. I don't think I'm depressed. I'm able to do my job ok and meet deadlines and do some chores around the house. But lately, on my days off, I've not been taking care of myself as I should. I have spent most weekends either in bed or doing a minimal amount of chores. I'm not someone who normally has had to deal with unwanted thoughts, although lately, that's been a bit difficult. Something that's helped me has been setting goals. When such a thought comes to mind, I think to myself, no, I've got to get this done, or, I've got to get started on that over there. These are goals I am already working towards. My choosing to pursue them means I am choosing to value whatever it is these goals represent over the thoughts and implications that try to sneak their way in. In doing this (making a choice towards some goal I previously deemed a worthy goal), the goals are more than just a distraction but give me something to choose between: do I choose the unwanted thought or do I choose taking a step towards molding who I am going to be in the moment beyond the present moment in which resides the dark thoughts? Because this choice allows me to be proactive, I feel like I'm taking responsibility for myself in the moment. I'd like to say something wonderful, like they won't come back. Or that it gets easier. For myself, I may not be able to stop such type of thought, but in being able to make a choice as to whether I let myself dwell on it (and it consume me), I can decide to move myself out of its control. Knowing where I'm supposed to be, what I should be doing, and how I should be doing those good things has given me some stability in dealing with these other, unwanted elements.

One last idea. Do you write down positive things that happen to your loved ones around you? Think of this like a joy journal. I haven't tried it myself, though someday I may get around to it. Every entry starts with, "I am thankful for..." or "It brings me joy when..." Basically, every day you write down something you're thankful for and appreciate. Maybe someone in your family got an award, and you're happy for them. Or a friend showed up unexpectedly and brightened your day. These are the sorts of things you write about. It connects you with other people.

A variation of this is the thankful calendar. Using an ordinary wall calendar, write on it every day one or two words about people or things in your life you're thankful for. I hear that by day ten, most people start to have to dig a little deep.

What both of these exercises have in common is that they help to retrain your mind to think positive, healthy thoughts. It reconnects you to your friends and family who love you and they challenge you to spend dedicated time meditating (really, the word just means thinking in an in-depth sort of sense) on positive events and circumstances and experiences in your life that the negative ones try to blind you to. It starts to change your outlook and makes a record of the positve experience you've had. That way, when one of those dark moods hits, you can go to your joy journal or thankful calendar and conscientiously turn your mind and thoughts towards things that bring life.

I hope you find these ideas useful and encouraging. I am working on learning how to use statements of affirmation myself. (And yes, I am still having some trouble with my own dark thoughts--nothing I'd like to admit to online. But I think I'm coping better now than I was a month ago.) And I hope you will read and reread the many positive comments that others here have shared here, too. Please, let us know how you are doing. We love you, @mysterionz. You are a good person.