Invited by Coworker to Dinner Party - Don't Want to Go, But They Won't Take No for an Answer

[chris87]

I work at my dad's small company, but I am primarily in the background. I handle most of the operational, IT, and business aspects, and I don't normally have contact with most of the employees. They're usually in the field, but depending on the month, they have a few office days. The employees for the most part seem to actually like me. It's very strange, because I don't have any friends in real life. Most are older (50s, 60s, so maybe that has something to do with it).

What's annoying is that now for the second time, I've been invited to a coworker's house. She is having everyone over for dinner including spouses. I got invited 3 months ago by a different person, and I declined. Unfortunately with this particular invitation, she's acting like I'm going without even confirming with me. When I told her that I couldn't attend, she immediately said I want you to come and wouldn't take no for an answer. I tried to explain that I didn't go to the last one, and so I didn't want that coworker to be offended. I also said that I have dietary restrictions and have prior plans, but nothing has worked.

I don't want to go, and I feel very awkward at a sit down dinner surrounded by people who I don't know. Except for one coworker, I have never met any of their spouses, and I don't really care to meet them. I'm also the only one who isn't married. What makes everything worse is that we have a new employee who is similar in age to me. She has been bugging me nonstop and is like "you're going, you have to go." She'll have her husband with her at least, so I don't know why she cares if I go or not. Then she's telling me that she had to arrange babysitting, and she only did that because she thought I was going.

I feel totally overwhelmed by the situation. I don't really want to be a part of any of these social events. The vibe I get is that most of the other employees don't want to go either but are doing so out of a sense of obligation. I'm getting hounded in every direction with all these people telling me I have to go. I was even talking to my sister about it last night. She starts yelling at me about how rude it is to decline and how it's something you just have to do.

What's easy for most people isn't easy for me. I'll be nervous about everything, even stupid things like what to wear, what time to actually show up, what to say, where to sit, etc. I don't like unknown social situations, and I can't stand large gatherings/dinners. Then I feel like if I do go, we're going to have another employee next month who has a dinner party, and it will never end.

I wanted to see if anyone had any experience or advice navigating these types of situations. I'm starting to think that I'm completely crazy, because everyone I know says "you have to go." I'm stressed enough with work, and I have all these peripheral issues to deal with.

I appreciate any input!

 

[Outdated]

I have plenty of the same experience but no advice. I never worked out what to do about it either, except attend, try to be normal, and get out of there again as soon as protocol allowed.

You have my sympathy.

 

[Judge]

That's indicative of one of the most basic "nightmare scenarios" I had to deal with as an insurance underwriter working for a major corporation. Where I had utterly no choice in being sent each year across the country to attend advanced training. Entirely with people for which I was not well-acquainted with. Apart from the stress of knowing that it was a rigorous program where you'd better not fail, or risk eventual termination. And then factor in all the social interactions it involved. Very stressful.

In more basic social circumstances, I learned to refuse such invitations and "stick to my guns". But when work is involved, I was basically helpless. And knew that had I refused such requests, that it would endanger not only my ability to advance in the company, but possibly set myself up for termination. Admittedly a bit different from the OP's situation, but nevertheless as an introvert it's a social dynamic I understand- and dread.

In matters of employment whether occupational and/or social, expect people to make such requests without you having any real choice at all. Social occasions laced in politics and a job usually involve some kind of leverage against you. Then again, as the son of a business owner, they may want something from you. Which in case it may be you leveraging them. You may be inadvertently caught in the middle of something.

You have my condolences. It may amount to "just a dinner party". Then again it may involve considerably more, depending on who the guests are relative to your employer. Where all you can do is to consider possible consequences (if any) of declining the invitation. Something that may reflect why they don't take "no" for an answer.

 

[Misery]

Honestly, what to do about it isnt really something we can just give you a solution to, as everyone is different and will have different thoughts on it.

But also, situations can be different. For some jobs, it may somehow be relevant to your status at work (as in, you could get in trouble if you dont attend), which to me is a special level of stupid and a major red flag in terms of working there at all. If confronted with that, I would likely just quit.

But if the situation ISNT directly connected to that, and really is purely a social thing... I wouldnt get into a position to even be asked about it in the first place. And if someone did, well... a flat "no" and that'd be it. One way or another, I wouldnt be there... period. Not that it matters now as I dont work anymore, but still.

But that's just me. I'm incredibly stubborn and used to getting my way, and typically anything in my way is gonna get knocked out of the way, and I have a tendency to simply wander off in any situation where that doesnt work.

For others though, perhaps the idea of doing that is anxiety inducing, or perhaps there's a desire to please, that sort of thing. No particular approach is really "better" than any other, but rather it's about how you feel doing it, and whether it does or does not have any actual practical effect on your employment.

I will say one thing though: Dont let people like that just walk all over you. Because it just leads to them doing it more, once they see that it works.

Make your own decision on this (after considering everything carefully and logically), instead of letting them decide it for you. I guess that's my advice.

 

[Forest Cat]

I don't think your co-worker arranged to have a babysitter watch her kids because she thought you were going to a dinner party. That has to be a misunderstanding, it doesn't make sense.

I think all you have to do is smile and say thank you but you are unfortunately occupied with other things that night so you can't go. And then you don't go. If they keep inviting you, just remind them that you are occupied. But I want to remind you to remember that people actually want you to come to that dinner party. That's not something to scoff at, many people are never invited at all. It's a nice, friendly gesture at least.

 

[Angular Chap]

Would mentioning health concerns be helpful for you? You are not lying, the stress of any social event could contribute to making you ill, affect your mental health, and then there's the physical health concerns, it's cold and flu season (well, depending on where you are in the world, of course.) then there's still COVID concerns from social gatherings.

Ask them "what if I'm ill? what if I'm sick?" and see if they properly acknowledge your health concerns and if they genuinely care about a colleague and family member's personal well-being.

If they dismiss your health concerns, well, hopefully it will ease any guilt you might have about having to lie or exaggerate your way out.

 

[Judge]

Over the years if anything I've learned about social occasions involving one's employer is that more often then not they're anything but social. "Watch your six", whether or not your father owns the company.

 

[1ForAll]

I would say something short and to the point like this: "(Their name), again, I'm sorry I cannot attend the dinner for the reasons I mentioned before. I appreciate your act of kindness in inviting me, but I will be wishing you all a great time. Thanks for any understanding." Then, if they persist, either just change the subject and talk of something else unrelated or give some excuse to leave or head off in another direction.

Some persons will be pushy until they get their way. At those times it's best to be brief and assertive like that, but in a nice way. But if they persist just say. "No thanks. I am fine." If you give in, it encourages them to attempt those things more. It's not your job to entertain persons you do not know or to try to fit in with them or act social when it stresses you out much, you cannot do that, and when you rather do other things. If they cannot understand or accept that, that is their problem.

 

[Raggamuffin]

No need to overcomplicate things. Just tell them you're not comfortable going and it's stressing you out. If they persist, firmly say something along the lines of:

"I know you want me to go, but I'm not going."

People will eventually take no for an answer but sometimes you just need to put your foot down.

Saying no takes practice, as does standing your ground and letting people know when they're crossing a line.

Ed

 

[Nervous Rex]

Simply don't go.

You have told them you won't go. It doesn't matter if she won't take no for an answer. It doesn't matter if she has "decided" that you will go.

You still have the choice to not go. So don't go.

Afterward, she will complain to you that you didn't go to her party. Just tell her, "I told you I wouldn't be there."

Also, you don't have to give reasons or justifications. You can just say, "I said I wasn't going to be there. Can we drop the subject?"

Alternatives are:
"Just leave it at that."
"End of discussion."
"You don't need to know why."

 

[Nervous Rex]

I hope I'm not reading too much into this, but I think that standing up for oneself and setting boundaries can be very hard for autistic people. Perhaps you can practice how to say no, and rehearse what you will say when that person asks you to go or asks why you didn't go.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I hope I'm not reading too much into this, but I think that standing up for oneself and setting boundaries can be very hard for autistic people. Perhaps you can practice how to say no, and rehearse what you will say when that person asks you to go or asks why you didn't go.

I think your advice to just be firm and not feel a need to justify is very good. I've often felt that if I explain the right way, the other person will understand. But, this is usually perceived as a weakness and opens the door for them to persuade me.

Right or wrong, many non-Autistic people will not understand our reasons for avoiding such get togethers. They will misinterpret, likely taking our refusal as something personal, since they probably don't understand our experience.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I think your advice to just be firm and not feel a need to justify is very good.

Honestly, I was just repeating something I've read so many times in advice columns - be firm, set boundaries, advocate for yourself. It's something I am still learning.

I've often felt that if I explain the right way, the other person will understand. But, this is usually perceived as a weakness and opens the door for them to persuade me.

That is a great insight! I hadn't ever thought about that before. Yes, absolutely, - a "no" without reasons helps shut down a conversation. A "no" with reasons invites argument.

 

[Lysholm]

Uhg. You can never tell if NT's genuinely like the company of others or if they're plotting some social coup.

 

[blue_bird]

In the past if I was in your position right now I'd be fretting about going, and if I didn't go, I'd be feeling guilty about not going, which would usually mean that it's a lose-lose situation. I have been in similar situations, and sometimes I avoided it and other times I had to go.

Honestly, having experienced both sides, I would go if I were you. A lot of the time these things don't end up being anywhere near as bad as we think it will be and who knows you might enjoy it. I know these things are uncomfortable but unless you're doing something so much better instead, why not take the risk and see how you cope. If you don't like it, at least when the next invitation comes along you can say that you already attended the last one.

I know it can be tough, but sometimes the effort to see these things out can be more beneficial. Good luck.

 

[paloftoon]

You know your situation better than anyone else. Maybe you know you'd be at risk of losing your job if you don't go. Maybe if the party is during work hours or off of work related funds, then yes you do have an obligation to go. Try to limit your time and maybe even contact with others. Would it be appropriate to come for just 15 min, 30, or 1 hour? Play on your phone and try to enjoy some good food. Try to distance yourself from others as much as possible maybe. Keep things positive but as short answered as possible maybe.

 

[Brian B]

For me it can be really hard going to an event where you are the only person not coupled. I wonder how much of the insistence that you go comes from it being your fathers company and maybe you being there might gain this person some advantage, whatever that would look like. While you can firmly state that you can't go, if you feel compelled to go going with someone else might make the night more bearable. Perhaps you can invite a friend, sibling or neighbor. If you choose to go, you will learn a little more about your coworkers and maybe that's a good thing. Of course good fences make good neighbors and having space away from your coworkers might be more important. The more you say I wish I could go the more likely you get dragged into this on another night. If you get really desperate you can try: I'm Covid positive, suffer from agoraphobia, meeting with my cult that night, can they come as well. There are obviously more excuses. The shorter the better.

 

[chris87]

In the past if I was in your position right now I'd be fretting about going, and if I didn't go, I'd be feeling guilty about not going, which would usually mean that it's a lose-lose situation. I have been in similar situations, and sometimes I avoided it and other times I had to go.

Honestly, having experienced both sides, I would go if I were you. A lot of the time these things don't end up being anywhere near as bad as we think it will be and who knows you might enjoy it. I know these things are uncomfortable but unless you're doing something so much better instead, why not take the risk and see how you cope. If you don't like it, at least when the next invitation comes along you can say that you already attended the last one.

I know it can be tough, but sometimes the effort to see these things out can be more beneficial. Good luck.

This is almost exactly how I feel. For me it's a lose-lose, and I see this as a ruined weekend. It's going to occupy my brain for the next 72 hours. I do kind of feel bad about not going. On the other hand, I'm angry that someone is so insistent that I go to something. And I feel annoyed that they actually think I want to attend and want to interact with all the employees' spouses. What they think is doing me a favor is actually a huge inconvenience, and if they listened, they would know that. It just seems so presumptous.

 

[Judge]

What they think is doing me a favor is actually a huge inconvenience, and if they listened, they would know that. It just seems so presumptous.

A classic example of the reality- and mathematics of the situation. Simply put, why would a 98.2% neurological majority have any understanding of thought processes other than their own?

They simply default to the notion that everyone thinks and relates to one another as they do. Without any sense or understanding of just how toxic it may be to many of us. Conversely we don't understand their thought processes either...

 

[Angular Chap]

What they think is doing me a favor is actually a huge inconvenience, and if they listened, they would know that. It just seems so presumptous.

Agreed. I'm fine with people not understanding, but when they consistently won't listen, that upsets me more.