Invited by Coworker to Dinner Party - Don't Want to Go, But They Won't Take No for an Answer

[blue_bird]

This is almost exactly how I feel. For me it's a lose-lose, and I see this as a ruined weekend. It's going to occupy my brain for the next 72 hours. I do kind of feel bad about not going. On the other hand, I'm angry that someone is so insistent that I go to something. And I feel annoyed that they actually think I want to attend and want to interact with all the employees' spouses. What they think is doing me a favor is actually a huge inconvenience, and if they listened, they would know that. It just seems so presumptous.

I totally understand your frustration, but sociable people assume all people enjoy socializing. In other words, they just don't get it. I know this advice is strange but since this has already ruined your weekend, how much worse can it be if you go? You said that the other coworkers seemed obliged to go as well, so at least you won't be alone in that regard. Honestly, I would feel less comfortable if I had coworkers of a similar age, instead of older ones.

With older people you can blend into the background much easier and since there's an age gap, they probably won't be offended. They might even feel a bit sorry for you if you're the odd one out, and if you didn't enjoy it, they may let you off the hook next time.

Since this coworker is so insistent probably means that if you don't go, the issue will drag on beyond the weekend. Rather nip it in the bud, and get it over with. I know it's difficult as I've been there before but sometimes as I've experienced getting it over with is the lesser of the two evils, if you like.

 

[Aspychata]

Hey an alternative plan. Just twenty mins in, say you have a headache or call and say you have Covid.

 

[chris87]

And of course I just got a text asking what dietary restrictions I have, so she can work with them. I was going to thank her for the invite and apologize that I can't attend. Is it rude to also say that I don't really like dinner parties and feel uncomfortable with people I don't know. I'm trying to be adamant without being offensive, if that makes sense.

 

[Outdated]

And of course I just got a text asking what dietary restrictions I have, so she can work with them.

That's the trouble with lies, no matter how well intended. They always come back and bite you.

Is it rude to also say that I don't really like dinner parties and feel uncomfortable with people I don't know.

Other people might see it differently but I think this is your only realistic option now. Explain that you are autistic and groups of people in situations like that freak you out, and that you lied because no one ever understands.

I think that's the only way you'll be able to save face and not hurt their feelings.

 

[Hypnalis]

@chris87

Your opening (an excuse for which there's a workaround) was unfortunate, but if you respond fast this is recoverable.

Firstly - it's a "no means no" situation for you. No JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Keep every part of your response brief and "closed" (no opening for a dissenting response).

The easiest response is an abbreviated version of the truth, as per your latest post - i.e. that you don't enjoy social gatherings.

The earlier failed deflection (dietary restriction) can be handled, but it depends on you and your work relationship with these people.

You don't have to be completely truthful, especially if you do have special dietary requirements. This time around, if asked, you can say it seemed easier at the time than your just not liking this kind of activity.

BTW a perceptive and polite person shouldn't ask a follow-up question at this point, but there are so many possibilities. e.g. maybe she's an extrovert who thinks she's doing an introvert a favor by getting them to a pleasant event.

If pushed again ("I'm sure you'll enjoy this particular event"), you can go with something like - every time in your entire adult life you've attended something like this, you've regretted it. From there on, repeating versions of "I'm sorry, I can't do it" is enough.

 

[chris87]

@chris87

Your opening (an excuse for which there's a workaround) was unfortunate, but if you respond fast this is recoverable.

Firstly - it's a "no means no" situation for you. No JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Keep every part of your response brief and "closed" (no opening for a dissenting response).

The easiest response is an abbreviated version of the truth, as per your latest post - i.e. that you don't enjoy social gatherings.

The earlier failed deflection (dietary restriction) can be handled, but it depends on you and your work relationship with these people.

You don't have to be completely truthful, especially if you do have special dietary requirements. This time around, if asked, you can say it seemed easier at the time than your just not liking this kind of activity.

BTW a perceptive and polite person shouldn't ask a follow-up question at this point, but there are so many possibilities. e.g. maybe she's an extrovert who thinks she's doing an introvert a favor by getting them to a pleasant event.

If pushed again ("I'm sure you'll enjoy this particular event"), you can go with something like - every time in your entire adult life you've attended something like this, you've regretted it. From there on, repeating versions of "I'm sorry, I can't do it" is enough.

Thank you. This is very helpful. I didn't lie, but I didn't exactly realize she would be so willing to find a solution. I am vegetarian, which everyone here pretty much knows. I would never expect people to spend their time/money trying to accommodate me. I guess I thought that would be enough to take care of it, but I was clearly mistaken. I'll see what happens. How do I get myself into these messes? I try to keep to myself, and yet I always seem to have these kinds of issues.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

How do I get myself into these messes? I try to keep to myself, and yet I always seem to have these kinds of issues.

Sorry to jump in here, but I have to say that I've felt that way so much in my life. But, it's not my fault or yours. In my experience, it's because people like you, even if they don't know the real you. At least, that's what it's been for me.

 

[chris87]

On a positive note, she finally realized that I don't want to attend. Thank you for helping me to formulate a response. I was completely frozen and didn't know what to say. She did tell me that I am welcome to come if I change my mind. I've been thinking about it, and I guess the main reason I don't want to go is because I feel weird meeting the spouses, especially all at once. If It were just the staff, I would be a lot more comfortable. There's something about being introduced to people I've never met and then having to sit down and eat dinner with them. I find it incredibly awkward, and I get uncomfortable just thinking about it. Then I worry about if one of them doesn't like me or thinks negatively of me that it could adversely affect my dad and his business. There are too many variables colliding at one specific event, and it's more than I can handle. Like I mentioned, I do wish it had just been a staff only get together and then I would have at least given it a chance.

 

[Hypnalis]

@chris87

I'm glad it worked out

Something I've noticed that might be relevant for you:

Masking requires brainpower - the more people there are in a group, the more work it is to mask. And it takes more effort for new people than for familiar faces. At a certain point there are too many people, and it becomes a problem.

Note that introverts get something similar. They can start out ok, but fade as their social energy is drained by the "vampire" extroverts

Aspie + introvert (a common combination) get the worst of both worlds: two concurrent sources of overloading.

Anyway - figure out your numbers (how many you can handle at once, and for how long) and:
(A) Don't exceed them (unless you're being well paid)
(B) You can train them up (both masking efficiency and introvert energy management can be improved)

Also a lesson from this experience: Work on your refusal skills.
Some of the basics are in my earlier post (simple, "closed" refusals; no openings for a "workaroud"; don't JADE (that's actually an anti-Narcissist tool but good for this too); use magic words like "personal" (activities, responsibilities, ...) to block people who get pushy).
Only 5-10 standard phrases are needed - start work on them now.

 

[Progster]

It seems you have two options - go, stay for a while and then leave when you feel you've had enough. Or tell them that you can't go and stick to your guns - but I can't say what is best without knowing you or that specific group of people.