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Irritated at myself for getting irritated

Pats

Pats

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
First, what does it take to convince people that you don't mind doing things for them but they need to provide all necessary information? They don't, then I get irritated and then I get irritated at myself for getting irritated.

This kind of stuff tends to happen to me all the time. My son's mother in law is getting chemo and I also call her my friend - one of few. Over the weekend she got confused and her fever was around 103 and she ended up in the hospital being treated for pneumonia and cat scratch fever. (immunities low). But I'd do anything for her, which is why I'm so mad at myself. Last night my daughter in law said that her sister had to take her daughter to the doctor this morning so would I go over to the hospital around 10 and sit with her. She's not confused any more but they still want someone to be with her. I said, sure. As always, my daughter in law goes upstairs and says she'll come back down but doesn't. So I texted her to ask the room number. I guess I should have also asked what hospital - I went to the one here and that's not where she was, so I had to get in touch with my daughter in law to find out what hospital. Ok - no big deal.

Now, all I know is that I'm going to sit with her because the other daughter had to take her daughter to a doctor appointment. So I'm trying to hurry, thinking she's going to be back from the doctor before I even get there - it was closer to 10:45 by the time I got to where she actually was. At 11, my D I L texts saying she was coming over there on her lunch break and bringing her mom a hotdog, did I want one. Yes - I was already hungry. So about 1:15 she gets there with the hot dogs and (in front of her mom) that's when she says, you don't mind staying with her until I get off work (5:30). I smile and say it's okay, but inside I'm irritated because she hadn't let me know it was going to be an all day thing. I would have brought some crochet to work on or something.

I've told her over and over, and others - that I just need to know ahead of time what I'm doing so I can plan for it and that my only problem is being surprised with what I end up having to do. I want to do for people and I'm happy to do for people. But it just tends to undo the kind intentions when I get irritated in learning there's way more to it - why didn't you tell me that? I would have still done it, just prepared better. So I end up feeling irritated and it completely undoes my good intentions.

And, yes, next time I will ask for more details. Can I get some opinions and if anyone else has this problem?
 
I think that it is their responsibility to be upfront about their needs, or everything they require of you for any favor you agree to do for them. It seems you are putting a lot of responsibility on yourself here, but it's not entirely on you so perhaps it would help to just go a little lighter on yourself here.

Yes, you could have asked for more detail. Sure, that would've been helpful. But your DIL also could've just straight up asked you before you agreed to anything, if you were OK with staying there until 5 PM. And I'm sorry but it was not cool of her to ask in front of her mother. That made you feel put on the spot, as if you needed to say yes, or you would've felt bad saying no and then having to explain yourself as to why you couldn't do it.

I wonder why this happens to you often. I am not entirely clear on what you mean by this though. Do you mean that this happens with your DIL and her mom? Do you mean that it happens a lot in general, with anybody? Or just people you know?

I am all for communication, communication, communication. It reduces the occurrence of stuff like this. You end up getting a little upset with yourself for "not doing what you should've known better to do", or getting upset with your family and friends for not being clear. Not only is communication super important, but communication with as few expectations as possible. Just 'cause someone seems available quite often doesn't mean that person will always be available when you need them. It would be rude of someone to assume that you'll always be available for them just because you are family or a close friend, and you've proven to be quite reliable in the past.

Set boundaries. Yes, boundaries with people you are close to are essential! They are essential for every relationship, every interaction with anyone else, even with people you are close to.
 
Hi :)
Ohhhh yes, I do have this problem.
I feel for you and understand your frustration.
Do they know you are on the spectrum?
I think you have done a great job in communication around your needs to them (I have this theory that AS communication is far superior *because* of our need for details!! And I'm sticking to it! ):p. Since diagnosis I have realised and accepted that most NT's and even some neurodivergent family members are quite comfortable with their so-called normal way of communicating. They seem to accept their miscommunications (after getting angry and irritated ) and I suppose in healthier relationships, they forgive forget and move on.
For me though (and clearly for you too) it's really quite effortless but so incredibly valuable to just cover the details the first time ! It makes communication so much more effective and things just run smoother.
For you, it clearly makes a big difference in your general sense of well-being in these situations, and I hope that your loved ones find a way of giving you what you really need.
It's hard for people to honour accommodations that they don't understand , and unfortunately it does take a really type of empathetic person to be able to pull it off. I wish every day for people like that in my life. If they can't do it, they do still love you.
Lately, I'm really realising the irony of this situation where we have often been described as having issues in communication, but in these types of situations the issue is actually with the socially acceptable half-assed version . You seem like such a beautiful person.. all the best :)
 
Maybe it was a change in your schedule, and you need to feel in control, so if you were able to bring something to do, you would feel less put out. We don't do well with change, it upsets us, so l believe we counter it, by controlling the parameters of the change. This keeps our irritation level low, we are less anxious. Does this apply to you ?
 
@Aspychata and @Jojo_LB - Yes, it is the change in routine basically - I expected a couple hours and got all day. I wanted to help but I feel like when I end up getting irritated it undoes the good I wanted to do. And it is different people that do it to me and I don't understand why. I've had a sister in law that would ask me to pick her up and take her one place and it end up being a dozen different places, or ask me to babysit one night and it ends up being 3. If I knew up front that it was more I wouldn't have a problem with it because I would have planned for it to be such in my mind. But when it turns out to be more it just messes with my mind I guess. Maybe I had nothing planned, but TELL ME up front. I realize they don't understand my need to know exactly what I'm going to be doing. Oh, my daughter in law knows about the autism and I've explained that I don't get upset when asked to do something but I do when it's sprung on me. I used to have to run my grandsons places once in a while and, thought I'd still do it with a forced smile, I'd be furious inside when they'd come down and say will you take me such and such - gotta leave now when they knew the day before that they'd need me to take them. And I think, Aspychata, you're exactly right in need9ing to control parameters of change to keep our irritation level low. And thanks, Jojo - I was starting to wonder if I'm just assuming less than I should. I've even explained to my kids, though, that if I'm babysitting (as much as I enjoy having my grandkids) if they tell me they'll be here at 2 to pick them up - at 2, I'm mentally done and by 5, I'm pacing and stomach doing flip flops. But with my kids - I fixed it by they bring them to me and I take them home. That way I take them home when I'm done. :)
 
Yes I get this a lot. The thing is how do you know what details to ask for until after the fact? You've already told her and others that you need to know the whole story when it comes to things like this. I think many people do this on purpose, and I think it's rude. I think they do it because if they gave the whole story at first, you'd probably say no. But if they can string you along and ask for one more favor at a time, they can probably get what they want from you.

BTW you got Cat Scratch Fever stuck in my head. Not a bad thing.
 
tlc said:
Yes I get this a lot. The thing is how do you know what details to ask for until after the fact? You've already told her and others that you need to know the whole story when it comes to things like this. I think many people do this on purpose, and I think it's rude. I think they do it because if they gave the whole story at first, you'd probably say no. But if they can string you along and ask for one more favor at a time, they can probably get what they want from you.

BTW you got Cat Scratch Fever stuck in my head. Not a bad thing.
Click to expand...
also wanted to mark funny because the cat scratch fever. lol
 
Maybe I'd actually react differently if it were someone I care for, depending on how much, but just from these facts, I feel like I would have gotten visibly annoyed, told them they had to tell me that in advance, and not done it.

SUDDEN CHANGE :eek:

NO. :mad:
 
@Pats , it sounds like your loved ones may be taking advantage of you. I am not suggesting they are bad, malicious people, but they know you are a good person who does a lot for her loved ones and so they feel comfortable doing this to you. But this isn't right. It's not fair. It's great that they trust you so much and rely on you, but they aren't considering your personal time and they're assuming that you'll be extremely flexible.

Please don't be afraid to set your boundaries more firmly. It is perfectly reasonable for you to say, "I recall that I told you that you need to tell me what time to be there/how long you want me to stay/etc beforehand so that I can plan accordingly. If I don't have this information beforehand, I may have to decline." If they are reasonable people, they will understand. And I would hope they'd even feel a little bit bad for taking advantage of you.
 
Irritation is a signal to yourself -

You can be responsible for asking for more details before saying yes.

And to use a 2 letter word more often..

Your willingness to help is obscuring the view.

Is part of it not wanting to seem to be bad?

All kinds of thoughts reinforce the habit of not saying no.

My rule no 1 is this :

Always pack my crochet.

I don't even crochet,not sure I've got the rule,to be fair.
I don't like change,do I'll keep it :)
 
I can do this often @Pats.

I’ve recently learned to ask,(grill/Spanish Inquisition/police interrogations)
for more details.

I now know the picture in my head (of what’s going on)
Will be quite different to that of someone else.

I also know some people don’t say what they mean or at least reveal the whole story so I try to anticipate,
- based on memories of their previous behaviour.

Say they’ll be ten minutes, don’t appear for one hour.

Throw regular, last minute curve balls,
Just like the crochet thing.

Saying “No” used to feel alien to me,
I found it easier to say with practice and preferable to the frustration I may have felt when surprised by changes in plans. (Not my plans)
 
Pats said:
@Aspychata and @Jojo_LB - Yes, it is the change in routine basically - I expected a couple hours and got all day. I wanted to help but I feel like when I end up getting irritated it undoes the good I wanted to do. And it is different people that do it to me and I don't understand why. I've had a sister in law that would ask me to pick her up and take her one place and it end up being a dozen different places, or ask me to babysit one night and it ends up being 3. If I knew up front that it was more I wouldn't have a problem with it because I would have planned for it to be such in my mind. But when it turns out to be more it just messes with my mind I guess. Maybe I had nothing planned, but TELL ME up front. I realize they don't understand my need to know exactly what I'm going to be doing. Oh, my daughter in law knows about the autism and I've explained that I don't get upset when asked to do something but I do when it's sprung on me. I used to have to run my grandsons places once in a while and, thought I'd still do it with a forced smile, I'd be furious inside when they'd come down and say will you take me such and such - gotta leave now when they knew the day before that they'd need me to take them. And I think, Aspychata, you're exactly right in need9ing to control parameters of change to keep our irritation level low. And thanks, Jojo - I was starting to wonder if I'm just assuming less than I should. I've even explained to my kids, though, that if I'm babysitting (as much as I enjoy having my grandkids) if they tell me they'll be here at 2 to pick them up - at 2, I'm mentally done and by 5, I'm pacing and stomach doing flip flops. But with my kids - I fixed it by they bring them to me and I take them home. That way I take them home when I'm done. :)
Click to expand...
Those situations you described sound to me like you are being taken advantage of. Someone else suggested boundaries and I agree. I have family with NPD narcissistic personality disorder , and my naievity attracts these as friends too. Not sure if you relate to that too...but I have come to the conclusion that "masking" for me, also included allowing narcissists to project a role onto me, to play out for them that best had their needs met. I'm still working through how to stop this...
 
Pats said:
@Aspychata and @Jojo_LB - Yes, it is the change in routine basically - I expected a couple hours and got all day. I wanted to help but I feel like when I end up getting irritated it undoes the good I wanted to do. And it is different people that do it to me and I don't understand why. I've had a sister in law that would ask me to pick her up and take her one place and it end up being a dozen different places, or ask me to babysit one night and it ends up being 3. If I knew up front that it was more I wouldn't have a problem with it because I would have planned for it to be such in my mind. But when it turns out to be more it just messes with my mind I guess. Maybe I had nothing planned, but TELL ME up front. I realize they don't understand my need to know exactly what I'm going to be doing. Oh, my daughter in law knows about the autism and I've explained that I don't get upset when asked to do something but I do when it's sprung on me. I used to have to run my grandsons places once in a while and, thought I'd still do it with a forced smile, I'd be furious inside when they'd come down and say will you take me such and such - gotta leave now when they knew the day before that they'd need me to take them. And I think, Aspychata, you're exactly right in need9ing to control parameters of change to keep our irritation level low. And thanks, Jojo - I was starting to wonder if I'm just assuming less than I should. I've even explained to my kids, though, that if I'm babysitting (as much as I enjoy having my grandkids) if they tell me they'll be here at 2 to pick them up - at 2, I'm mentally done and by 5, I'm pacing and stomach doing flip flops. But with my kids - I fixed it by they bring them to me and I take them home. That way I take them home when I'm done. :)
Click to expand...
Those situations you described sound to me like you are being taken advantage of. Someone else suggested boundaries and I agree. I have family with NPD narcissistic personality disorder , and my naievity attracts these as friends too. Not sure if you relate to that too...but I have come to the conclusion that "masking" for me, also included allowing narcissists to project a role onto me, to play out for them that best had their needs met. I'm still working through how to stop this...
 
Thanks everyone for the responses. I'm not feeling taken advantage of most of these incidences, I really don't. I've got to where I can recognize that. My kids and my daughter in law always give me an easy out if I want it and make sure I know it's okay and they understand if I say no. I know that, like @Gracey said - I'll have a picture in my head that is often different than the picture in the other person's head and I need to learn to make sure we're both seeing the same picture. As @Fino said - it's the sudden change and @Jojo_LB the flexibility thing. And I know this is an autism thing that it's hard to get others to understand the importance. Change = that inner meltdown.
And maybe it would be a good idea if I kept a crochet project in my car at all times (just in case).
 
Communication is not easy. Hell, even most NT's don't know how to communicate well, so it's understandable that we have an especially hard time with it.

I really hate sudden changes too, so I definitely feel you on that. Who among us does not? My husband used to be really confused when I started to get very anxious and fretted about stuff when there were changes in plans. His mind, which is not fully NT but moreso than mine, needs some extra time to adjust, but does so without getting overly anxious. He manages to adjust while staying relatively calm about them. I, on the other hand, am like, "Oh this is such an inconvenience. Great. What do we about this now? 'Cause see now I have to do this first, but that also depends on this, so now I have to find out if this will work out with that person and then I have to also call that other person..." and I can fret about it for a while. My husband is like, "Jo, we will handle it. Things will fall into place when they should. They always do. You'll see." And I'm like, "No I don't ever see! What do you even mean?" lol

Well, I'm glad that your family understands and they readily accept your "no" when you give it.

I think Fridgemagnetman's suggestion to always bring the things you need for crocheting is a good one. That way you will be prepared next time for something unexpected like this. I imagine it must be quite a nice stress-relieving activity for you. :)
 
Well, since I didn't have anything to do, while my friend took a nap all there was to do was watch tv which is high on the wall so those few hours of looking up at the tv was horrible for my neck. And I never just sit and watch tv without doing something else. And the tv shows that were on was these court tv shows that I hate, that also tends to give me meltdowns inside.
 
I'm not saying that they were exploiting you directly, but they certainly were finding the fact that you were there and willing to go and stay longer very convenient, when actually it's their turn. I remember my dad telling me that in situations like this, I should say 'no, it's not possible'. You could also say that you are busy and can stay the morning but must leave by afternoon. That needn't be a lie, because you probably do have things that you want or should do - I always have (though whether I do them or not is a differnet matter). Saying 'no' isn't easy, but sometimes it's necessary or people will take you for granted and/or use you.
 
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