I've discussed here my religious torment in the past, and I recently had everything turned on its head when I realized that I did not believe in the personal, anthropomorphized deity of Christianity, Judaism, or any of the other faiths I had tried to live in the past.
Perhaps only someone who has had religious faith in the past can understand how deeply I feel this loss. But, simultaneously, I somehow realized that I had spent years knowing, on some deep and neglected level, that I did not actually believe it. How had I spent so many years wishing to believe something which I did not actually believe? I'm honestly gobsmacked at how cunningly I was able to lie to myself. I'm actually ashamed and disappointed in myself.
I thought that coming to peace with (what I have come to believe to be) the non-existence of the Biblical God would be the major hurdle, but I have since the loss of my faith been able to observe unfolding how many ancillary beliefs I had which were all enabled by the god-belief.
The universe seems immeasurable colder and lonelier than it was when I was able to deceive myself into believing in a personal deity. It seems inconceivably cruel for us tiny, weak humans to be shat out onto this hard, cold rock in space and left to fend for ourselves among our only barely civilized fellows. How cruel.
But I wish to pursue truth, as best as I can perceive it, not comforting stories.
Science, while being absolutely necessary to human well-being and progress, is also a poor substitute for the human stories we need to share in order to thrive and find meaning in our lives. I welcome and praise science and its contributions to our well-being, but it seems that many of the people I am encountering online seem to have taken to science as though it's something that I don't believe it to be. Another set of beliefs to which they cling and abuse others. Present company excluded, of course.
I think that one thing that messed me up, theologically, was my black-and-white thinking, my conceptual rigidity. Religion was either 100% literally true or it was useless drivel. In all things, I am trying to become more comfortable in "the messy middle," learning to be more at peace with ambiguity.
I have to believe that there is a way to hold on to some of the good stories, concepts, etc. which have been communicated to us via religion, but without the worst manifestations of literalist interpretations.
What do you think?
Perhaps only someone who has had religious faith in the past can understand how deeply I feel this loss. But, simultaneously, I somehow realized that I had spent years knowing, on some deep and neglected level, that I did not actually believe it. How had I spent so many years wishing to believe something which I did not actually believe? I'm honestly gobsmacked at how cunningly I was able to lie to myself. I'm actually ashamed and disappointed in myself.
I thought that coming to peace with (what I have come to believe to be) the non-existence of the Biblical God would be the major hurdle, but I have since the loss of my faith been able to observe unfolding how many ancillary beliefs I had which were all enabled by the god-belief.
The universe seems immeasurable colder and lonelier than it was when I was able to deceive myself into believing in a personal deity. It seems inconceivably cruel for us tiny, weak humans to be shat out onto this hard, cold rock in space and left to fend for ourselves among our only barely civilized fellows. How cruel.
But I wish to pursue truth, as best as I can perceive it, not comforting stories.
Science, while being absolutely necessary to human well-being and progress, is also a poor substitute for the human stories we need to share in order to thrive and find meaning in our lives. I welcome and praise science and its contributions to our well-being, but it seems that many of the people I am encountering online seem to have taken to science as though it's something that I don't believe it to be. Another set of beliefs to which they cling and abuse others. Present company excluded, of course.
I think that one thing that messed me up, theologically, was my black-and-white thinking, my conceptual rigidity. Religion was either 100% literally true or it was useless drivel. In all things, I am trying to become more comfortable in "the messy middle," learning to be more at peace with ambiguity.
I have to believe that there is a way to hold on to some of the good stories, concepts, etc. which have been communicated to us via religion, but without the worst manifestations of literalist interpretations.
What do you think?