is having difficulty starting conversations and keeping them alive part of A.S.?

[popculturegeeknerd06]

Hi everyone, i'm new to this site, forum, just barely registerted today, but anyway, is having a hard time starting a conversation and keeping one alive, well keeping it alive is harder for me than starting it, is that a normal trait, associated with Asperger Syndrome or anything on the Autistic Spectrum? Because I have Asperger Syndrome, thats what my Psychologist has diagnosed me with, but i'm not a 100 percent sure if that is what i really have or High-Functioning Autism, but it has always been frustrating for me and still is. Also too be honest, I tend to have an easier time starting conversations and keeping them alive when it depends on the subject of conversation, topic, like if it is about movies, sports, or pop-culture, geek, nerd franchises, which is why I love attending Conventions, and barely started attending them when i was 22, in the Summer of 2010. I'm 24 now, i don't have that many close friends either, like i never fitted in with the cool, popular people, i never fitted in with the party scene people, like i never got invited to parties consistently, eventhough i have been to parties before just never got invited to them enough like a lot of other people do. Is this part of A.S.? I often consider, think of Asperger Syndrome or any form of Autism as a Curse.

 

[King_Oni]

I'm having somewhat of the same "problem" as you, and my therapist told me it kinda is part of AS. To me it just is a problem cause in terms of employment and being a "part" of society while I don't really care for it and feel forced into a different "world" so to say.

One thing that does come with AS quite a lot is more specific, obsession-like interests (mind you, not everyone). So no wonder you can keep a convo going if you're talking about something you either know or care for more.

In a way I can see you might feel "isolated" for not mixing in with everyone and keeping any conversation going, I wondered it myself for a while, but then I realized "Do I really want to part-take in conversations I don't really care about, just for the sake of being social?"

It's a problem if you mark it a problem. Apparently you have a lot of subjects you care about, which kinda comes down to not meeting/finding the right people to indulge on it. I know that I'm likely to make more friends (or talk to people in general) if I'm places that equally minded people attend, be it specific sub-culture clubs, conventions, game-tournaments and the like.

So perhaps I'm advocating less social behaviour, but I'd say, stick with your interests, enjoy them, and see if you can meet people that share those interests.

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

true, but i hate being a loner, it sucks having little or no friends, also, the fact that i went to 3 different high schools impacted my social life a lot, and i have limited employment, job experience.

 

[Gomendosi]

I went to a succession of different schools as well and so never had any 'lifelong' pals, as for employment, this is not an age where they can just give you a go cause you seem keen, too much paperwork for a start. No, you may have to find that one thing that you excel at, the one thing you love most, and find a job in relation to that ; ]

I know that being a loner sucks, I find that a lot of the time I am like a scolded puppy when it comes to friendship, at first I?m okay but then I get more excitable the more time they spend with me and are really sad or depressed if they have to do something else. Almost like I feel they are turning off the friendship tap.

With regard to the idea of conversations, I had made a decision a few years ago and it sort of seems to be working despite that it is the worst decision ever. I just decided that being a hermit was doing me no good and resolved to talk to everyone on earth at least once, Ha-Ha. I will now talk to anyone who stands still long enough, at the caf? or supermarket checkout I try to initiate conversation with ?how?s your day been? or ?you probably can?t wait to get home huh?.
Really if you want to talk to anybody it is like a jigsaw puzzle, you say something ordinary that needs emotion to answer like ?how?s this rain/ sports teams chances?
They then answer with a little bit of information about themselves like? I hate the rain? or ?that isn?t my team, my team is awesome?.
Now they have said something that is more personal and you can say something to get them talking (everybody wants to talk about themselves I find)
?We need rain for the crops/ flowers though, why don?t you like it?? or ?yes it is a bit annoying especially if you walk to work (insert small laugh)?
?Oh they?re not your team, who do you follow/ barrack for then? or ?I don?t much go for that team either unless they?re losing (insert small laugh)?

It?s always good to be seen as the happy, fun person rather than the shy, awkward type; people always want to be around the happy, fun person.



Oh, and if you are wondering I am still single and yes I know a lot of people, but no I have no friends either so, maybe my advice doesn?t work for everyone? even me LOL

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

also, eventhough it's not like I don't have any friends at all, it's just that they are like me, we are not the popular, loud, outgoing type of people, people that are involved in the party scene, and to be honest, I feel like only 1 person calls or texts me, the other people, i'm not really sure if i should consider them true friends or not, because i always have to initiate every form of communication, talking with them, they never call or text me first, i always have to initiate, me personally, i'm not comfortable being the initiator, doing the calling, texting, eventhough it should be a 2-way street, i don't like doing it because i don't want to come across as needy, desperate, clingy.

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

it really makes me jealous of people who are outgoing, have the life of the party, have a lot of friends, have people calling them to make plans, and are available to hang out, do stuff, things. Thats what i love about Dogs, i love my Dog buster, what makes Dogs better friends than Human friends is that they are always available, they are never busy, they don't have a life, we humans are their lives and i love doing that.

 

[WildCat]

It's supposed to be part of the criteria, but then you get to meet the people here on the forum and suddenly you figure out it's all plain old B.S. As for me, indeed, I do have great difficulty keeping a convo alive lest it's directed towards an interest of mine. I mean, not that I approach random people with a verbose cannon and fire away (another stereotype or so I hear), but if I happen to come across someone engaging in a topic that suits my interest, then I'm tempted to butt in.

I'm not too enthusiastic about a social life - that's time that could be better spent on other things

 

[King_Oni]

I'm not too enthusiastic about a social life - that's time that could be better spent on other things

Word!

No seriously... if I all of a sudden had a social life, I wouldn't know what to do with it. Conversly, if I'd be social from the start I wouldn't been thinking "if only I'd be more social".

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

yeah, c'mon, isn't it human instinct to want companionship from people other than your family, relatives? it kinda gets boring just only getting love and care from just your family, relatives only all the time.

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

and also, all of the people i was friends with in my entire life, it was like as if they were the ones that initiated, when i have initiated i have always gotten rejected

 

[Flinty]

yeah, c'mon, isn't it human instinct to want companionship from people other than your family, relatives? it kinda gets boring just only getting love and care from just your family, relatives only all the time.

It's instinct for most people. jonathan and I apparently share a different view, and it's fine by me.

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

yeah because i do not like being alone, i will admit that, i hate it, i hate one-sided conversations with a huge passion, in which i feel i'm asking most of the questions, doing most of the talking

 

[King_Oni]

In a way I don't feel "aspergers" and "human instinct" go together that well...

Sometimes I feel that I'm better and more interested in stuff than so called "Darwinian survival". Yes... I might not end up on top if it's survival of the fittest, but at least I have a lot of fun trying.

I think you're trying to hard to be like everyone else. Be "you".

Besides, you talk rejection... how can you be sure it's your fault? I mean, yes, you're bound to get rejected a lot (especially on the spectrum) but I can't really say there's no people that will put up with it, buuuuuuuuut... there's no place you can go so you're sure of meeting such people. And that might be the catch. In a way I might have been lucky, landed relationships in the past, and I met someone who is more than fine with me being me. But that involved a road where I didn't go outside for a few months (except for groceries) and just was on some forums. I rarely talked to anyone for about a year... but I was comfy with that.

So as a hook-up in your other topic, is there a scaling of severity in being on the spectrum... perhaps there is. It might be that people who long for contact with others and can't are more severe cases, while it could also be said that people who don't care for other people as a whole are severe cases... matter of perspective.

 

[Kelly]

I don't (or can't whichever) start conversations, I can't continue them either other then one word answers and saying the wrong thing etc. My dad (who I suspect also has Asperger's) is the same, he's like me in the sense that we both hide in the background in any kind of social situation but...the difference between me and my dad (at the moment) is he has had a lifelong obsession with computers, get him onto computers (or technology in general) and he will talk on and on and on. I used to be like that a few years ago when I was obsessed with fish, that obsession has passed and currently I don't have a major obsession(just lots of little ones that change every few weeks/months).

Just thought I'd add I only went to two schools in my entire life, my primary(elementary) and my secondary(high) school and I had 1 friend but I use that term loosely as we had nothing in common and I believe we only really hung out with each other because we had nobody else, she was also a bit of a bully and I admit I was scared of her and what she would do if I stopped hanging out with her. Other people started hanging out with us but she would bully them and eventually they would keep a bit of a distance but they also like me felt forced to hang out with her, I was so glad when she stopped going to school for the last few months I was there. Although the damage was done and I couldn't form friendships with any of the other people in our 'group' or even the other nerdy/weird type kids because she'd bullied all of them and they hated me too because of it.

Since I left school I've had 2 friends, one online friend (for 5 months) who turned on me once she got herself a new boyfriend (lots of verbal abuse, threats etc) and the second 'friend' I knew for 2 years, we were not close despite sending long emails every day and hanging out most weekends and again it was a case of hang out with me or nobody (they were new to the area and alternative in style), as soon as she moved back to her boyfriends hometown she stopped speaking to me.

I go through phases, some weeks I'm desperate for a friend(s) and will cry and wonder what is so rubbish about me that nobody wants to be my friend and then there are the times when I find communicating so tiresome and can barely muster the energy to respond to emails or post on forums. As such I go through bursts of posting lots on forums and then disappear for a while as it all gets too much, maybe that's why I'm destined to be a loner forever, I can't socialise as much as NT people without becoming exhausted and reclusive.

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

well i saw your profile, at least you have a boyfriend, since you are a girl it's easier for you because you do not have to initiate anything

 

[2010Dolby]

also, eventhough it's not like I don't have any friends at all, it's just that they are like me, we are not the popular, loud, outgoing type of people, people that are involved in the party scene, and to be honest, I feel like only 1 person calls or texts me, the other people, i'm not really sure if i should consider them true friends or not, because i always have to initiate every form of communication, talking with them, they never call or text me first, i always have to initiate, me personally, i'm not comfortable being the initiator, doing the calling, texting, eventhough it should be a 2-way street, i don't like doing it because i don't want to come across as needy, desperate, clingy.

You're looking at it the wrong way. Don't come across as needy, you let them know you're assertive. In a friendly way dont send a text saying "Do you want to hang out?" send one saying "Meet me at the party at 10:30". A different attitude towards engaging friends goes a long way.

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

easier said than done, how do you not come across as needy, desperate when you have no friends? or almost no friends? how do i change my attitude? and i never know of any parties in the first place

 

[2010Dolby]

I recently moved from my small hometown to a bigger city. I didnt know any one up here and was soooo bored. Back in my hometown I was partying and hanging out with high school friends most every night so it was a rough and depressing change. I figured a good way to meet some friends and girls up here was to do odd jobs for people. Im a carpenter, so I hung some flyers around town letting people know I can manufacture, restore, and repair things for a fee. I made some extra money and actually got to know a lot of people. You should try something like that.

 

[Kelly]

well i saw your profile, at least you have a boyfriend, since you are a girl it's easier for you because you do not have to initiate anything

I have to say I found this quite offensive, my gender has nothing to do with my social difficulties, I don't know how you came to the conclusion that I somehow have it easier just because I do not have something dangling between my legs.

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

well i never get invited to parties