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is having difficulty starting conversations and keeping them alive part of A.S.?

I've always struggled with these issues. If the conversation or topics don't interest me, I have no idea how to join in with everyone else. This can often get mistaken for rudeness. I also have huge trouble starting conversations with people. I just don't know how to. It's a huge deal. And both are definitely impacting on my life and the fact that I'm unemployed.
 
popculturegeeknerd06 said:
also, in the past i have accidentally annoyed, bothered someone, even when it was never my intention, gosh, Asperger's is a curse!
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That leaves me to wonder if those people aren't really uptight and get annoyed fast. Besides that... even if I bother people they can and will tell me politely and point it out... and that happened way before I had anything going out in regards to Asperger's. If people "hate" me for doing so, I think they're uptight and I can probably be better off without them.
 
I think over the years I have learned a lot scripts on how to start and keep conversations going while at work. However casually I am terrible at it and often am unable to start a conversation or keep it going. I try but usually unless I have watched the person with other people I don't even attempt. Its just too hard. Over the years I have come up with coping mechanisms but when I get flustered I freeze and keep repeating the same thing. My thoughts freeze (or maybe go into overdrive) I'm not sure and then I can't move forward without someone explaining to me why I was wrong. (hopefully I get someone who is willing to nicely explain):cute:
 
I have used the phone call trick myself, although I am a bit embarrassed to admit it. I also use scripts when I have to but mine are short and I soon run out of things to say. If I have the presence of mind to think of it, I will ask people questions about either themselves or their interests. Most people are eager to talk about themselves, men especially, I find. Every once in a while I run across someone who dislikes talking about themselves as much as I do, and then I'm stuck. "Well, nice talking with you" I say. I guess I figure it is the responsibility of others to keep the conversation going, and most people oblige, thank goodness.
 
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Bay said:
I have used the phone call trick myself, although I am a bit embarrassed to admit it. I also use scripts when I have to but mine are short and I soon run out of things to say. If I have the presence of mind to think of it, I will ask people questions about either themselves or their interests. Most people are eager to talk about themselves, men especially, I find. Every once in a while I run across someone who dislikes talking about themselves as much as I do, and then I'm stuck. "Well, nice talking with you" I say. I guess I figure it is the responsibility of others to keep the conversation going, and most people oblige, thank goodness.
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Reminds me of this;

 
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Sometimes, people tune me out whilst I ramble. Sometimes when I'm talking right to their face. So I just switch topics and start talking about the time I was airdropped into Iran to rescue the King Gorilla from the Evil Ice Queen of Mount Hahkmalla.
 
King_Oni said:
Reminds me of this;
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That Big Bang Theory scene is one of my favorites from the series. It reminds me so much of me.

I think difficulty sustaining conversations and developing friendships is one of the defining characteristics of AS. From what I have learned over the last few weeks since I started to suspect I was an Aspie--mostly from Wikipedia which is, of course, 100% trustworthy:skeptical:--an underlying theory about AS is that people on the spectrum have a delayed development in theory of mind. As I understand it, we aren't really aware that other people have thoughts that are different from our own. In fact, when I am talking to someone I usually have no idea at all of what they might be thinking aside from what they are saying. Of course, any idea I might have would be pure speculation, because I can't see what they are thinking.

But I think NTs, when they are conversing, are formulating hypotheses about what is important to the other person, what sorts of values might persuade or motivate the other person, and what shared interests they might have. They might not be able to observe directly what the other person is thinking, but they can say things to test their hypotheses and see how the other person reacts. Those of us on the spectrum have trouble with that--not just with formulating those hypotheses, but also with reading the other person's reactions to what we say. That is one of the primary reasons I have come to believe I am on the spectrum.

I am amazed when I watch other people talk to see how quickly they move past the small talk and start to find out things about each other that I never would have been able to draw out of another person. They make connections and keep the conversation going because they know how to say what the other person wants to hear.

This limitation makes conversation difficult for both Aspie males and females. While Aspie girls might not be expected to initiate the conversation, at least with the opposite sex, if anything they are expected to be better at showing an interest in the other person. If a girl can't make it appear that she finds the guy fascinating, he will conclude she is not interested, drop her, and move on to someone who does dote on him. (I'm a guy, by the way.)
 
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I am new to this site welcome, I hope we could be friends.

I am 37 and was assessed 2 years ago I was assessed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD-NOS) and Mild Intellectual Disability (MID). Throughout my life I've struggled making friend, and keep the conversation going. If it is a topic that is interesting (like writing, astrology, movies...etc) then I would know what to say. So your not alone, I hardly have friends, and never fitted in with the other kids when I was going to school, and even now. The lady who tested me said people with Austism Spectrum (autism, asperger, PDD) have difficulty with social skills like making friends and having a conversation. I too sometimes think this disorder is like a curse, because I get jealous how things are so easy for many people, while it is harder for me. My therapist told me I may have a disability, but I also have good qualities that others don't have like patients and imagination. I understand whatever you are going through, you are not alone. This is the best place to let your frustrations out, and people could give you advise.
 
Caspar said:
Unfortunately, you have to do that sometimes when you're talking with introverts... Ironically, it may be easier for me to communicate with extroverts and introverts...
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most girls apparently expect the guy to keep the conversation alive, prevent it from getting boring, awkward, prevent awkward silences, pauses, etc.
 
I always feel an immense sense of relief when I either let a conversation drop or the other person is willing to perpetuate it. It's very stressful for me to have to keep thinking of things to say, whether they're heavy or inconsequential. People say that I'm not very fun to text with because I tend to let the conversation drop and never text back.
 
How are we to know when a conversation is officially over vs when we're supposed to keep it going? There ought to be some official way of ensuring that both parties agree that they're through blabbering. Typically, that means saying "BYE BYE" (au revoir, sayonara...or however it is said in your language) but that doesn't work with many people: they just keep on yakking: 'Just one more thing' or 'Oh...I almost forgot to say' & on it goes: even after you've said "Gotta go!" When we're texting, why is the onus on US to 'keep a conversation alive' once we've said what we have to say & we've read the other person's message? In my case, I'm an Aspie: NOT a dying conversation 911 EMS service.
 
Texting weirdly enough works well for me, as does Whatsapp (anyone unfamiliar with it; it's an app for chatting through your cell, though it goes over the internet, instead of through texting). I should add, that it does depend a bit on whom I'm texting with.

I text with 2 people; my girlfriend and a friend. With my girlfriend, she, just as well as me is fine with just dropping in every now and then sending a message. If we really need to talk something over; we'll use MSN or just meet up. But she doesn't get all jumpy and annoyed why I don't respond and neither do it. With my friend; we just text about meeting up, I never have conversations with him through my cell.

So if I'm looking at "how am I supposed to tell when a conversation is over"... I have pretty much no training with that, lol. Both people have similar ways of keeping to conversation with me. In a way it helps that they don't have that need as well... chances are either of us would get annoyed if the other kept rambling.

If I meet up with me friend; we sometimes stumble upon situations where we're walking back towards his place (or mine) and we usually part ways there (since he lives around the corner), but we often stick around at either ones door for another 30 minutes, since we misjudged time in a way. Either of us has stuff he wants to ramble about and we're actually about to go our own ways again... we either walk another block or just see where it goes from there.

With my girlfriend when she's over... well, I'm not sending her home nor telling her to shut up. Though similarly, she's fine with me going to attend some of my own interests if she's around while she does her own stuff. She's still around, but that doesn't mean we have to keep talking.

Here's an interesting thought; Telling someone "bye" as sort of an agreement that you're both parting ways, should be a mutual agreement. All to often, this is not the case, since either will want to talk some more. So there actually is no agreement and either one is just "walking out".

Maybe I'm a bit rational here, but quite often I'll clock my conversations in terms of "you have 5 minutes". And similarly, if my girlfriend comes over I'll tell her upfront what time I'm walking her to her train. It's a way to avoid dull moments, and an agreement of sorts when "our time is over". That worked pretty well so far. One time, someone stopped me in the streets, trying to sell me something and it went on something like this;

She: Can I ask you something?
Me: Well, you already did... but ok... you have 1 minute, starting now...
She: *rambling about a product* then, a small silent break
Me: You done? You still have 15 seconds
She: Oh no, there's more I should tell you
Me: Well, your minute is over, sorry they don't train you to market your product faster, bye!

And I'm gone.

And I can be like this a lot. Even with my parents; Can I ask you something? Yeah, sure... I'm leaving in a minute, hurry up. And I will walk out, I don't care. They have been told up front.
 
without reading what others have said, I think that AS can be a social problem too which obviously means that acting, being and behaving in social situations can be a problem, that includes how and what to say to others and such when in that kind of situation.

I find it hard talking to people I don't know and after a min or so, I feel really weird and tend to kind of run away now (after being told that I talk too much and I keep going when people are no longer interested, this was by my wife and best friend)
 
LikeyouToMe said:
without reading what others have said, I think that AS can be a social problem too which obviously means that acting, being and behaving in social situations can be a problem, that includes how and what to say to others and such when in that kind of situation.

I find it hard talking to people I don't know and after a min or so, I feel really weird and tend to kind of run away now (after being told that I talk too much and I keep going when people are no longer interested, this was by my wife and best friend)
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it is so damn frustrating!
 
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