Is it normal to have no friends?

[Misty Avich]

I'm grateful that I have my family and partner but the reason I feel sad or ashamed that I don't have many non-family friends is because it proves that I can't make friends well even though it ain't hard, and I find dating incredibly easy, as in instinctive.

 

[undertheradar]

An interesting? Be how you feel friendships...

I found that for myself I looked at friendships as I work with this person and we talk sometimes... We are friends

We have a common interest and we talk... We are friends

We go to the same church and we talk We are friends

But do I know anything about them? Do I know things that they like, but I do not

When we no longer see her the same interest, would we still be friends?

I struggle with this... And so does my son

He basically thinks that anybody that will listen to him and she has a common interest as his friend... For instance everybody that he plays football with

 

[Judge]

I’ve always struggled to keep long term friendships. I hope I’m not the only one to experience this. I wanted to ask others to pitch in an share their experiences. Currently, I have no friends except my parents. I’ve always had a hard time making friends.

I think it's one of those "hallmarks" of autism for most of us. I was no exception.

Though as I've posted a number of times in the past, I truly believe that we have to take the times we live into proper perspective as well. That working adults live highly dynamic lives, and that social ties are often connected to the work we do.

And with work comes extreme migration, as jobs come and go for all sorts of reasons. My best opportunities to make friends (and two girlfriends) were usually at work. But they would come and go with job opportunities, and when they left the area they never tried to reconnect. Reminds me of one time many years later I happen to find one of their email addresses, and sent them a greeting.
I got an unexpectedly cold reception. It was clear a good friend at work for so many years had moved on.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that not everything points to us as autistic people in this regard. That we have become a very transitory society in general, conditioned to live lives that are not as social as we'd like. Apart from whatever our autistic traits and behaviors are or how they may inhibit socialization in general.

That's it's inherently more difficult for both NDs and NTs to make friends in this particular world.

 

[Gerontius]

Lol, I did know someone who talked about this stuff in the same way in real life, and that's an abusive ex-friend who I could write an extensive saga about in the form of a thread, but the details aren't that relevant to anything on here.
He was also one of those people who said things like "I'm your only real friend, your other friends don't like you, I'm the best you're ever going to do."

That guy sounds weird.

 

[DaisyRose]

I thought we were friends. I think your art is great. If you wish to pm me, go ahead. Don't be so down on yourself. Friends come, friends go. It does change, due to life changes. Don't beat yourself up. I just broke up with a long-term girlfriend who decided she had a right to judge how l live my life. I said goodbye. I have known her for five years. She has no right to judge how l live my life. I have never told her how to live her life. It was hard, but she didn't respect my boundaries.

We are friends! You and others are so nice to me when I make my posts and threads. I am appreciative of that because it makes me have a fun time interacting with others. I might not have friends irl, but I have made so many connections online in this forum.

I meant to say I don’t have any friends irl, but I didn’t consider online. It’s such a wonderful experience. It’s a long process that I’m still learning with how friends come and go. Some are not made to stay with you forever like you said. I always have this thing I say. If you don’t fit in, then make your own place when you fit in. Thank you for sharing your experience.

 

[Judge]

He was also one of those people who said things like "I'm your only real friend, your other friends don't like you, I'm the best you're ever going to do."

Sounds like a horribly manipulative person to say such a thing.

 

[DaisyRose]

Thank you to everyone who reacted and responded to my thread. It makes me feel better that I’m not the only person who experiences this. We are all together in this and we all can relate to one another. I love this forum so much because I can always come here and feel welcomed and supported. I will keep going in my life and learn from each lesson that is given to me. It always feels better or hear from others because it’s reassuring. Thank you again!

 

[Aspychata]

Also, have had people want to be friends, but they were only trying to manipulate me. So now, l am guarded with who irl l am friends with. You can be taken advantage of by those professing they want to be friends. Like that old song, smiling faces tell lies. That floating heart looks so 3D. Very nice.

 

[Judge]

Also, have had people want to be friends, but they were only trying to manipulate me.

Sadly I suspect this reflects yet another basic reason to limit telling anyone that you're on the spectrum of autism. That for some, it's simply too tempting to be predatory towards us with a false understanding that we won't realize it.

My own older NT brother still attempted to gaslight me over just about everything. Though we've ceased talking and may never will interact with one another again. Which may be for the best.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Losing friends to life as they pass away, original reason for joining this site.

 

[Swansong]

For the average person? a bit, albeit the rate of loneliness has been steadily growing all over the world as people become more culturally isolated.

For someone in this forum that presumably is somewhere in or adjacent to the spectrum? not at all.

 

[Judge]

Losing friends to life as they pass away, original reason for joining this site.

It is disturbing at this point of my life as well to see so many notable people passing, even if I never met them. Especially if and when they are younger than I am.

 

[Crossbreed]

Autism is an acquired taste (for most NTs).
Even two autistics need to learn to accommodate each other.
My wife has ADHD, so we are not too far apart on many things.

 

[Dagan]

I think it's kind of a perception thing. Like several of you have said, I also have a lot of acquaintances, even some rather well known people, but I don't dare call them friends, even if they do talk frequent, actually check in on me at times or just because whatever social media site labels them as "friends." No matter the amount of talking we may do, I never lose sight of the fact that they don't fully, truly know me through and through. I also met most of these people through projects done (work). I'm not masking in any conversations/messaging, mind you, but it's just not the same as really having a daily idea of who I am and how I function. True friends that I can hang out with or be in the same house if I had to for over 24 hours - it's probably only six people at best, really...but I still don't see these people as often as probably any other people get together. I see them for more working related reasons, honestly. Anyway, I could perceive to have many friends, if I wanted to, I guess, but I could also just accept reality and that I have very few. My perception overall is that I am just that much more of a self-sufficient person. I could probably win that reality show, "Alone" haha.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

It is disturbing at this point of my life as well to see so many notable people passing, even if I never met them. Especially if and when they are younger than I am.

Yes us baby boomers are going to die like flies in the next couple of years.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It's normal but it's not fun or great. It's quite lonely and depressing. I have friends now but when I did not have for decade's it was quite depressing. I use to get so depressed I even felt suicidal. Now I am fine.

Nice to see you making progress, Tony.

 

[MildredHubble]

I've basically had the same best friend since I was 8. We had very similar interests and ideas always just bounced off eachother. We are similar but we have quite a few differences too. He mentioned a couple of times in passing that he thinks he could be on the spectrum, at least he was saying how his child who is on the spectrum and he recognises the same traits in himself.

We've just always been friends, even if we don't see eachother often and we talk a lot through texts about our projects and interests.

We have some friends in common, but I rarely talk with them. People seem to know I'm not ghosting them. I just kinda go into my world and I see them every now and then and it's all good.

I don't really have much motivation to go out and "be social" I don't miss it. I have my dad and my girlfriend and my cat of course. That's enough for me lol! I don't enjoy noisy pubs and clubs, I used to try to endure those sorts of nights out, but I hate having to shout in each others ears to talk, the noise is usually too much unless it's music I like, and even then I'd prefer it to be a good 30 Decibels quieter lol!

What I don't like is when people decide for me that I mustn't be happy because I'm not desperate to go out and meet random people.

I didn't understand until recently that a lot of the reason why, was that I would be exhausted by masking. With my best friend and family, there's not really that much need to mask, so interactions are less exhausting.

I get really quite annoyed that some people think I'm saying I "hate people" or I "see everyone as intimidating" or that I'm "misanthropic", when I say I'm just not built to be social.

I've tried to explain it like this... "You like music right? So you have a music collection? Do you listen to your music one song at a time? Or all at once? Does listening to one song at a time mean you hate all the other songs you have?"

Still apparently people don't understand my analogy, or at least pretend they don't. I just wish some people would try to understand that being an introvert and preferring time on your own does not mean anything dark or sinister.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I visit my close friends may be every few months, not an issue they know me. Your music analogy is perfect, they get it I get it. it works. I guess when I do come over I am interesting, not mundane. After all I left the hospital after my stroke visited my buddy, he made offhand remark about correlation with covid and neanderthal genetics. turned into my covid thread. Now 28,000 views later. And he still jokes he was only joking.

 

[MildredHubble]

I visit my close friends may be every few months, not an issue they know me. Your music analogy is perfect, they get it I get it. it works. I guess when I do come over I am interesting, not mundane.

I'm glad you like my music analogy! I thought it made sense I'm glad you do too!

 

[Hypnalis]

I have a standard explanation, which I've also heard from other people: it might be common:
"Extroverts gain energy from being social; Introverts use energy socializing, and gain it back while alone".

It's a good enough explanation.

And it means you can leave early, explaining that you've used up all your "social energy". Even if you were actually just bored - nobody can tell the difference