Is it over completely?

[MedeaD]

Hello,

I have been dating a man who told me he had undiagnosed Aspergers for a little over 2.5 years.. He wanted me to move in soon after we started dating in 2013 but I waited so I could be sure. I stayed with him a lot. And I fell in love with him. I eventually moved in officially in Feb. 2014.
I didn't really know what it was so I read a lot on it. What I didn't read was about relationships with someone who had it.

There were some things i noticed right away. He never told me he loved me, nor did i ever see him tell his son. I saw it in his actions, and most of the time that was enough. But occasionally I would ask him if he did. He always said he didn't understand what it meant. I would just let it go.
He was always cuddling and we had a wonderful sex life that was amazing.

In 2014 I began to show signs of Menopause and was having some health issues. Things were still fine throughout that year, In 2015 things started to go wrong. My health took a serious nose dive.
By the middle of 2015 I was extremely insecure about being a burden. we got into an argument and I said some things that I should not have. He decided to bottle it in. And then any little thing we disagreed on he would keep in. He had never done this before. He had always wanted to talk everything out.
I was due to have surgery and he wanted to take care of me, So he just bottled everything up. we had a couple of small dissagreements while I was out on medical leave. Mostly because I was feeling insecure, and I was pushing him.

At the end of the year we got into a small disagreement again and he just ended it. He said he still wanted to take care of me like he always did but no longer saw me as his g/f. I was floored.

I love this man very much. He has a 10 year old son that I love dearly as well. He says it can't be fixed and that something just snapped.

I still live with him, but I am now in a different bedroom. I have started counseling for my insecurities to take care of myself.

He still wants to do things for me and I will find little things done for me all the time. I am so lost as to what he is thinking He keeps saying it is over yet he still wants to take care of me. I don't know if I should let him do things for me or stop him from doing them.

I guess what Im asking is for some advice on if there is a chance for us.
I love him so much and I think my actions might have destroyed us forever. My therapist says it is obvious that he loves me very much and that we love each other. But that we may have to go a different direction and I may need accept that it is over in a romantic way.

Since this happened I am so sad. When I see him I want to reach out to him but I do not. He keeps saying he does not see me as the g/f anymore. Yet he has stated that he is willing to cuddle in a platonic way.

Since the breakup just over a month ago, I have read every article I could find on relationships with someone who has Aspergers and haven't really gotten much insight.

I am hoping that I can find some advice here on if there is a chance for us.

M

 

[Judge]

I was due to have surgery and he wanted to take care of me, So he just bottled everything up. we had a couple of small disagreements while I was out on medical leave. Mostly because I was feeling insecure, and I was pushing him.

At the end of the year we got into a small disagreement again and he just ended it. He said he still wanted to take care of me like he always did but no longer saw me as his g/f. I was floored.

Welcome to AC.

Some questions. What were these "small disagreements" about? And how were you "pushing" him?

I can only surmise while they might have been "small" to you, that they weren't to him.

 

[watersprite]

Hi MedeaD

Welcome to AC despite your sadness and dilemma.

Agree with Judge, the issues must have been deep for him.

All I can say is go with the platonic cuddles, do not demand anything, and at the same time build yourself as you must.

 

[MedeaD]

Hi MedeaD

Welcome to AC despite your sadness and dilemma.

Agree with Judge, the issues must have been deep for him.

All I can say is go with the platonic cuddles, do not demand anything, and at the same time build yourself as you must.

Thank you. I appreciate the insight.

 

[MedeaD]

Welcome to AC.

Some questions. What were these "small disagreements" about? And how were you "pushing" him?

I can only surmise while they might have been "small" to you, that they weren't to him.

I had a lot of issues with my health. I was going through menopause and ended up getting a hysterectomy. I began going into fits of emotional irrationality. I would say and do things that I knew were wrong yet I couldn't control it. When I had realized what I did I would immediately apologize and I even talked to the Dr's about it. They tried different meds but nothing seemed to work Last June I don't even remember what the fight was about, but I said and did things I didn't even remember. I felt awful afterwards. When he told me I was so upset with myself.

Some time towards the end of the year he asked me to help him get his files in order. This included mail. He has a fear of opening mail. So I would open it and organize it for him to make things easier. I put his file cabinets in order so that it would be easy to start the new year.
The mail that I had opened and sorted was on the table for him to look over and had begun to pile up, and when I asked him if he would have it looked over by the end of the year he said no. I was less than understanding and got upset,. We were to go out to dinner and I ended up staying home.
Probably me feeling less than helpful and getting upset because I had done everything I could do to make it as easy for him as possible and I felt like I had failed.
That is when he ended it.
I have my own issues with feeling insecure, and in my feeling insecure I tend to push people away. Ive done it before.
I am now getting help for this.

He has said it is over and even told my therapist this.
It has been just over a month.
I love him and this is very difficult. I have had people tell me to give up on him, yet I cannot bring myself to. We know each other better than anyone has ever known us. He is 53 and I am 47 and we have experienced "Firsts" with each other that neither of us thought we could feel.
At this point I don't care about the mail. It can pile to the ceiling. I will leave it all alone.
I just want to be supportive and loving and kind to him and give him the kindness that I didn't have to give last year when I was out of my mind.
I will welcome any advice that anyone would care to share

 

[Maelstrom]

Hello,

I have been dating a man who told me he had undiagnosed Aspergers for a little over 2.5 years.. He wanted me to move in soon after we started dating in 2013 but I waited so I could be sure. I stayed with him a lot. And I fell in love with him. I eventually moved in officially in Feb. 2014.
I didn't really know what it was so I read a lot on it. What I didn't read was about relationships with someone who had it.

There were some things i noticed right away. He never told me he loved me, nor did i ever see him tell his son. I saw it in his actions, and most of the time that was enough. But occasionally I would ask him if he did. He always said he didn't understand what it meant. I would just let it go.
He was always cuddling and we had a wonderful sex life that was amazing.

In 2014 I began to show signs of Menopause and was having some health issues. Things were still fine throughout that year, In 2015 things started to go wrong. My health took a serious nose dive.
By the middle of 2015 I was extremely insecure about being a burden. we got into an argument and I said some things that I should not have. He decided to bottle it in. And then any little thing we disagreed on he would keep in. He had never done this before. He had always wanted to talk everything out.
I was due to have surgery and he wanted to take care of me, So he just bottled everything up. we had a couple of small dissagreements while I was out on medical leave. Mostly because I was feeling insecure, and I was pushing him.

At the end of the year we got into a small disagreement again and he just ended it. He said he still wanted to take care of me like he always did but no longer saw me as his g/f. I was floored.

I love this man very much. He has a 10 year old son that I love dearly as well. He says it can't be fixed and that something just snapped.

I still live with him, but I am now in a different bedroom. I have started counseling for my insecurities to take care of myself.

He still wants to do things for me and I will find little things done for me all the time. I am so lost as to what he is thinking He keeps saying it is over yet he still wants to take care of me. I don't know if I should let him do things for me or stop him from doing them.

I guess what Im asking is for some advice on if there is a chance for us.
I love him so much and I think my actions might have destroyed us forever. My therapist says it is obvious that he loves me very much and that we love each other. But that we may have to go a different direction and I may need accept that it is over in a romantic way.

Since this happened I am so sad. When I see him I want to reach out to him but I do not. He keeps saying he does not see me as the g/f anymore. Yet he has stated that he is willing to cuddle in a platonic way.

Since the breakup just over a month ago, I have read every article I could find on relationships with someone who has Aspergers and haven't really gotten much insight.

I am hoping that I can find some advice here on if there is a chance for us.

M

Us autistic types are not so fond of conflict....it causes shut down and overload.....not very pleasant things for us. I'm guessing that pretty much sums it up....sorry things are going poorly for you both that is too bad I hope you both work it out some how.

The mail thing could be a OCD, chalanging a OCD is very risky, I have a brother like that....going against a OCD thing is like cornering a wounded animal. I would recomend you offer to help do the mail for him if he doesn't like it, he will always need help with that.

 

[Tom]

Its hard when issues pile up and aren't resolved as they occur. The repetitive misunderstandings breed resentment. Really anyone NT or AS gets into problems over this. With AS it may be more problematic as conflicts can be very deeply disturbing. ASD folks often rely heavily upon logic to sort things out and need predictablity.

The only suggestion I have is as you studied ASD try and provide him full info on Menopause. ASD people usually understand behavioral issues in a general way, having them themselves.

It is important not to resort to confrontation or accusatory methods when dealing with issues anymore.

If the opportunity arrises to discuss how the negative behaviors developed on your part and what things are now in place to prevent reaccurring it may make him feel safer for the future.

At the same time, what has been done cannot be undone and there is nothing you can do about his feelings and heart. It would only make matters worse to try and push. All you can do is provide information and perhaps insight into what occurred and hope for the best but be resolved to accept it as romantically over.

 

[MedeaD]

Us autistic types are not so fond of conflict....it causes shut down and overload.....not very pleasant things for us. I'm guessing that pretty much sums it up....sorry! things are going poor for you both that is too bad I hope you both work it out some how.

Thank you. I hope so too.

 

[MedeaD]

Its hard when issues pile up and aren't resolved as they occur. The repetitive misunderstandings breed resentment. Really anyone NT or AS gets into problems over this. With AS it may be more problematic as conflicts can be very deeply disturbing. ASD folks often rely heavily upon logic to sort things out and need predictablity.

The only suggestion I have is as you studied ASD try and provide him full info on Menopause. ASD people usually understand behavioral issues in a general way, having them themselves.

It is important not to resort to confrontation or accusatory methods when dealing with issues anymore.

If the opportunity arrises to discuss how the negative behaviors developed on your part and what things are now in place to prevent reaccurring it may make him feel safer for the future.

At the same time, what has been done cannot be undone and there is nothing you can do about his feelings and heart. It would only make matters worse to try and push. All you can do is provide information and perhaps insight into what occurred and hope for the best but be resolved to accept it as romantically over.

 

[MedeaD]

Thank you for responding.
We had always talked everything out prior to my needing to have surgery. He decided to bottle things up that were upsetting to him without my knowing because he wanted to best take care of me while I was going through the surgery. After that any little thing that went wrong he piled on top of it I had no idea because we seemed to be ok.

We both did research on the menapause all throughout the year so we knew what was happening. Now I am doing much better and also seeking therapy for my issues of insecurity.

From what I have read from all who have responded, it seems he has shut me out now because he does not wish to have any conflict. From what I have been told by his friends, and also by his 10 year old son, is that he seems to only keep a relationship for a couple of years before he gives up. Probably due to some sort of conflict issues.

I feel now that if I can learn as much as I can regarding this, get help for my own issues through therapy, that maybe I can understand this better and be here for him in a more positive way. He is more than worth the effort even if it takes a long time.

Thank You so much for your advice on maybe talking to him in a way about behavioral issues in a general way. Its hard when there is so much emotion wrapped up in everything to understand that he doesn't see things the same way.

I am hoping it is not romantically over. He has said he would cuddle platonically, and he still seems to want to do things for me. Perhaps that is all I can hope for at the moment.

I have an opportunity to move out of state with a job, however I do not wish to leave. Affordability here (California) is near impossible, and so if I have to leave, then I must leave the state. I hope it does not come to that.
I love him a great deal and his son as well.

 

[Judge]

Hard to say where such a predicament might lead you. However there's one thing to consider. That he never completely wrote you off. That may say a great deal about his feelings as well. With lots of patience, time and no further confrontations of the kind that drove him away might revive what you once had. But that may demand more sacrifice than you are willing or able to accomplish.

On the other hand if you have a real job opportunity, it sounds like something for you to weigh against the probability of that relationship being rekindled to what it once was. (I'm an expatriate from California as well. Left in 2008 and never looked back.)

 

[Maelstrom]

Thank you for responding.
We had always talked everything out prior to my needing to have surgery. He decided to bottle things up that were upsetting to him without my knowing because he wanted to best take care of me while I was going through the surgery. After that any little thing that went wrong he piled on top of it I had no idea because we seemed to be ok.

We both did research on the menapause all throughout the year so we knew what was happening. Now I am doing much better and also seeking therapy for my issues of insecurity.

From what I have read from all who have responded, it seems he has shut me out now because he does not wish to have any conflict. From what I have been told by his friends, and also by his 10 year old son, is that he seems to only keep a relationship for a couple of years before he gives up. Probably due to some sort of conflict issues.

I feel now that if I can learn as much as I can regarding this, get help for my own issues through therapy, that maybe I can understand this better and be here for him in a more positive way. He is more than worth the effort even if it takes a long time.

Thank You so much for your advice on maybe talking to him in a way about behavioral issues in a general way. Its hard when there is so much emotion wrapped up in everything to understand that he doesn't see things the same way.

I am hoping it is not romantically over. He has said he would cuddle platonically, and he still seems to want to do things for me. Perhaps that is all I can hope for at the moment.

I have an opportunity to move out of state with a job, however I do not wish to leave. Affordability here (California) is near impossible, and so if I have to leave, then I must leave the state. I hope it does not come to that.
I love him a great deal and his son as well.

You could offer to go to counseling with him and to try to work out some acceptable ways to fight fair for both of you and ways to discus things with less friction.
People don't always realize there are a number of different ways to fight, some less destructive than others. Same with discussing things, us autistics tend to be more long term thinkers not fond of sudden changes. My self I like to think things over for a day or two before I say yes or agree to make a change. I have noticed some NTs see this lack of instant agreement, as a form of (rejection), which it is (not). I do not care for the if he loves me he will say yes all the time (instantly) thing very much, it treads on my deep thinking style and makes me out as uncaring unfairly, when I really do try to be caring and thoughtful.

I don't know if this applies to your situation MedeaD ,but maybe you can get some insight from looking at my autistic thinking patterns.

 

[MedeaD]

You could offer to go to counseling with him and to try to work out some acceptable ways to fight fair for both of you and ways to discus things with less friction.
People don't always realize there are a number of different ways to fight, some less destructive than others. Same with discussing things, us autistics tend to be more long term thinkers not fond of sudden changes. My self I like to think things over for a day or two before I say yes or agree to make a change. I have noticed some NTs see this lack of instant agreement, as a form of (rejection), which it is (not). I do not care for the if he loves me he will say yes all the time (instantly) thing very much, it treads on my deep thinking style and makes me out as uncaring unfairly, when I really do try to be caring and thoughtful.

I don't know if this applies to your situation MedeaD ,but maybe you can get some insight from looking at my autistic thinking patterns.

Unfortunately I don't think he would be willing to go to couples counseling any longer. According to him it is over. I have moved into another room. He is still willing to cuddle platonically and still wants to "take care" of me the best he can given the circumstances, however is unwilling to pursue anything romantically anymore at this point.

I am happy to talk with you and get some insight on how I can understand him better. Anything would be appreciated.

I would like to get back the good parts of our relationship that we had. I do not want to go back to the way things were because with my issues and this situation I think my need to understand and be more caring. I think I need to learn to be less emotional and more "matter of fact" when talking with him.

 

[MedeaD]

Hard to say where such a predicament might lead you. However there's one thing to consider. That he never completely wrote you off. That may say a great deal about his feelings as well. With lots of patience, time and no further confrontations of the kind that drove him away might revive what you once had. But that may demand more sacrifice than you are willing or able to accomplish.

On the other hand if you have a real job opportunity, it sounds like something for you to weigh against the probability of that relationship being rekindled to what it once was. (I'm an expatriate from California as well. Left in 2008 and never looked back.)

I am learning to have more patience, and I would give anything to get back the best parts of what we had, leaving the conflict behind. You are right, He has not written me off, and he still wants to take care of me in some capacity. It has been over a month now though, and I feel that he might be slipping away.
He is on a trip right now on business and I have asked that when he returns if we could start playing board games again. He has said sure. So hopefully spending time doing the things that we both like might bring some joy.
I have not had much of that lately, and I know it bothers him to see me so sad. He mostly just leaves when I am.

I'm so grateful that I posted here. Just in the last 24 hours I have received more insight than in any article I have read.
Thank you so much.

 

[Tom]

There are soft answers and hard ones, and his declaration it is over seems in the hard catagory. I think it best then to take it at face value when considering your other life opportunities. If you had to remain in the area a while anyway some wait-and-see wouldn't hurt, but with a job opportunity I think you should evaluate it as if it was trully over. This info of his having a pattern of changing relationships at somewhat regular intervals can mean many things, but does indicate at least he does leave people permanently.

 

[MedeaD]

There are soft answers and hard ones, and his declaration it is over seems in the hard catagory. I think it best then to take it at face value when considering your other life opportunities. If you had to remain in the area a while anyway some wait-and-see wouldn't hurt, but with a job opportunity I think you should evaluate it as if it was trully over. This info of his having a pattern of changing relationships at somewhat regular intervals can mean many things, but does indicate at least he does leave people permanently.

I am still living in the house just in a different room. The job is flexible so I can go anytime.
I think that he leaves relationships because conflict begins and gets progressively worse. and he already has enough of that in other parts of his life that he has no control over.
Our conflicts was never about he and I. It was about my insecurities that I have myself, and I am now getting help for that.
He knows I love him and his son although I'm not sure he understands it.
The hardest part about him ending the romantic relationship part, was that was the one part we never had a conflict on. It was wonderful.
I believe this man is totally worth the effort I will need to put into attempting a salvage. And if I have the time I can put into it for now, I will do whatever is necessary.

 

[Maelstrom]

I am still living in the house just in a different room. The job is flexible so I can go anytime.
I think that he leaves relationships because conflict begins and gets progressively worse. and he already has enough of that in other parts of his life that he has no control over.
Our conflicts was never about he and I. It was about my insecurities that I have myself, and I am now getting help for that.
He knows I love him and his son although I'm not sure he understands it.
The hardest part about him ending the romantic relationship part, was that was the one part we never had a conflict on. It was wonderful.
I believe this man is totally worth the effort I will need to put into attempting a salvage. And if I have the time I can put into it for now, I will do whatever is necessary.

Maybe you could your self get some counseling help on relations...and also understanding autism, and discuss what you learned with him after wards. I think your stepping on his OCD letter thing spooked him he may settle down some if he sees you are willing to work around that with him some. It may just take a little time for his feathers to settle...and nothing is really lost by trying, as you can also use that time to prepare to relocate and sort your life while waiting to see if things can be fixed. Even if you fix things it may be wise tho to keep a separate rainy day moving account, and have a backup plan waiting if things go bad....it is not good for the we are done bridge to have been crossed.

My ex-girlfriend did that we are done thing to me over some stupid family issues. I pleaded with her not to invoke that we are done thing, something breaks inside you once that is done. I said we can do whatever you like to try to sort family things, but once you say we are done it may not be fixable....it wasn't. She came slinking back around after fleeing her bad family almost 2 years later. But my broken heart rift was now the size of the Grandcanyon, broken trust and loyalty are not so easy to patch over....and some things should never be said unless you really mean them.

Anyways I wish you the best of luck MedeaD ,it doesn't hurt to go the extra mile, your heart will feel a little better if you know you did your best even if it doesn't work.

 

[MedeaD]

Maybe you could your self get some counseling help on relations...and also understanding autism, and discuss what you learned with him after wards. I think your stepping on his OCD letter thing spooked him he may settle down some if he sees you are willing to work around that with him some. It may just take a little time for his feathers to settle...and nothing is really lost by trying, as you can also use that time to prepare to relocate and sort your life while waiting to see if things can be fixed. Even if you fix things it may be wise tho to keep a separate rainy day moving account, and have a backup plan waiting if things go bad....it is not good for the we are done bridge to have been crossed.

My ex-girlfriend did that we are done thing to me over some stupid family issues. I pleaded with her not to invoke that we are done thing, something breaks inside you once that is done. I said we can do whatever you like to try to sort family things, but once you say we are done it may not be fixable....it wasn't. She came slinking back around after fleeing her bad family almost 2 years later. But my broken heart rift was now the size of the Grandcanyon, broken trust and loyalty are not so easy to patch over....and some things should never be said unless you really mean them.

Anyways I wish you the best of luck MedeaD ,it doesn't hurt to go the extra mile, your heart will feel a little better if you know you did your best even if it doesn't work.

I appreciate your advice. I too did the "we are done" last summer when I was going through my hormonal rages. Last year and going through the menopause thing and surgery was very difficult on both of us. I didn't even remember doing it. I know it hurt him, because he held everything in and then let all the little things pile on top of it and then the end of the year hit I know that was the catalyst for this.

I have started therapy to deal with my insecurities and also my relationships with people in general. I will ask my therapist also about understanding autism as she is also a specialist in that category and has a class for autistic children. SHe met him and could tell that he has deep feelings for me. Even if he doesn't understand it himself.

He and I do have a lot in common. He likes odd board games and card games as do I and he has a 10 year old son that I am very fond of as well and have helped raise these last few years. He hasn't stopped doing things for me as of yet, and I do little things for him as well. I do need help with being less emotional.
Hopefully with a lot of patience maybe I can find a way to break through.
Thank you so much for your kindness in sharing your experiences.
MedeaD

 

[Maelstrom]

I appreciate your advice. I too did the "we are done" last summer when I was going through my hormonal rages. Last year and going through the menopause thing and surgery was very difficult on both of us. I didn't even remember doing it. I know it hurt him, because he held everything in and then let all the little things pile on top of it and then the end of the year hit I know that was the catalyst for this.

I have started therapy to deal with my insecurities and also my relationships with people in general. I will ask my therapist also about understanding autism as she is also a specialist in that category and has a class for autistic children. SHe met him and could tell that he has deep feelings for me. Even if he doesn't understand it himself.

He and I do have a lot in common. He likes odd board games and card games as do I and he has a 10 year old son that I am very fond of as well and have helped raise these last few years. He hasn't stopped doing things for me as of yet, and I do little things for him as well. I do need help with being less emotional.
Hopefully with a lot of patience maybe I can find a way to break through.
Thank you so much for your kindness in sharing your experiences.
MedeaD

You are welcome MedeaD ,I wish you the best of luck....I know how it feels to lose some you love.

 

[MedeaD]

Welcome to AC.

Some questions. What were these "small disagreements" about? And how were you "pushing" him?

I can only surmise while they might have been "small" to you, that they weren't to him.

You are right. He took all of the small things and bottled them up on top of the big thing, and then ended it.
My heart is broken. And I know I hurt him.
I still live there but we are separated and in different rooms.
I am hoping with a lot of patience, a lot of understanding, and a lot of work on my part with therapy, I can turn this around.
He is truly the best person I have ever met.