Is it over completely?

[MedeaD]

Maybe you could your self get some counseling help on relations...and also understanding autism, and discuss what you learned with him after wards. I think your stepping on his OCD letter thing spooked him he may settle down some if he sees you are willing to work around that with him some. It may just take a little time for his feathers to settle...and nothing is really lost by trying, as you can also use that time to prepare to relocate and sort your life while waiting to see if things can be fixed. Even if you fix things it may be wise tho to keep a separate rainy day moving account, and have a backup plan waiting if things go bad....it is not good for the we are done bridge to have been crossed.

My ex-girlfriend did that we are done thing to me over some stupid family issues. I pleaded with her not to invoke that we are done thing, something breaks inside you once that is done. I said we can do whatever you like to try to sort family things, but once you say we are done it may not be fixable....it wasn't. She came slinking back around after fleeing her bad family almost 2 years later. But my broken heart rift was now the size of the Grandcanyon, broken trust and loyalty are not so easy to patch over....and some things should never be said unless you really mean them.

Anyways I wish you the best of luck MedeaD ,it doesn't hurt to go the extra mile, your heart will feel a little better if you know you did your best even if it doesn't work.

Hello again,
So I came up with an idea.
I have been reading many of the forums here, doing research, and thanks to some great advice from the few people (Including yourself that answered my post.) I think I might have found a way to reach him.
First a bit of background. He is a tech guy, who works with start up companies. In our past relationship he had created a world full of whimsical stories an OAL (official acronym list) and an entire drop box file with fun antidotes and things describing the wonders of our relationship. It was almost adolescent like in its creation, however it became a staple to the joys of our being together. All of these things had one thing in common. They were essentially without emotion, however they delivered an emotion that went far beyond what words could deliver. I myself being appreciative of this but being an NT did not fully understand this until recently.
I am now in the process of creating a "start up company" dedicated to the the preservation of this relationship. Devoid of any emotion, and combined with a business like plan along with technological breakthroughs (me coming to the reality of acceptance of his inability to understand NT emotion and also getting my own issues under control) That will hopefully create smiles and joy to my GR that he has never experienced before.
Not being a tech girl myself I am doing a lot of research in what a lot of these words mean, and how to apply them. I am also adding to the OAL. And example I have just created, FAMLI -- Fully Authorized Merger of Loving Integration is just an example.
Please wish me luck on this great endeavor to reboot the neurons of my GR (Genuine Russell) I know this might be a long shot, but he understands tech and by rebooting my way of thinking I just might be able to break through. And ike you said. It never hurts to try.

 

[Maelstrom]

Hello again,
So I came up with an idea.
I have been reading many of the forums here, doing research, and thanks to some great advice from the few people (Including yourself that answered my post.) I think I might have found a way to reach him.
First a bit of background. He is a tech guy, who works with start up companies. In our past relationship he had created a world full of whimsical stories an OAL (official acronym list) and an entire drop box file with fun antidotes and things describing the wonders of our relationship. It was almost adolescent like in its creation, however it became a staple to the joys of our being together. All of these things had one thing in common. They were essentially without emotion, however they delivered an emotion that went far beyond what words could deliver. I myself being appreciative of this but being an NT did not fully understand this until recently.
I am now in the process of creating a "start up company" dedicated to the the preservation of this relationship. Devoid of any emotion, and combined with a business like plan along with technological breakthroughs (me coming to the reality of acceptance of his inability to understand NT emotion and also getting my own issues under control) That will hopefully create smiles and joy to my GR that he has never experienced before.
Not being a tech girl myself I am doing a lot of research in what a lot of these words mean, and how to apply them. I am also adding to the OAL. And example I have just created, FAMLI -- Fully Authorized Merger of Loving Integration is just an example.
Please wish me luck on this great endeavor to reboot the neurons of my GR (Genuine Russell) I know this might be a long shot, but he understands tech and by rebooting my way of thinking I just might be able to break through. And ike you said. It never hurts to try.

It sounds very nice MedeaD ,there is no harm in trying if it works you will be happy, if not your grief will be a little lighter as you will know you did your best, and the person you loved ended it not you.
That is how I felt with my ex-girlfriend I almost married. I held on during the courtship for 6 brutal months, taking endless damage from her crazy selfish family while I tried to find a way to make things work. She chose not to work with me on ways to moderate the situation, and she chose to cut the thread of love, not me. Even tho the break up almost killed me, I still left knowing there was nothing left on my end for me to do that could have made it work.
I hope it works for you MedeaD , if not at least you wont feel bad for not trying, and you will have learned how to relate better, and maybe your next relationship will go better.

Writing may be a very good way for aspies to be romantic....in my opinion.

I can't help up on the computer stuff, that is one area I am not good in....there are lots of aspies here that are really, really, good at that stuff...ask around if you need help, maybe you will find one.

Best wishes Mael

 

[ancusmitis]

Welcome to the restaurant at the end of the internet

 

[MedeaD]

It sounds very nice MedeaD ,there is no harm in trying if it works you will be happy, if not your grief will be a little lighter as you will know you did your best, and the person you loved ended it not you.
That is how I felt with my ex-girlfriend I almost married. I held on during the courtship for 6 brutal months, taking endless damage from her crazy selfish family while I tried to find a way to make things work. She chose not to work with me on ways to moderate the situation, and she chose to cut the thread of love, not me. Even tho the break up almost killed me, I still left knowing there was nothing left on my end for me to do that could have made it work.
I hope it works for you MedeaD , if not at least you wont feel bad for not trying, and you will have learned how to relate better, and maybe your next relationship will go better.

Writing may be a very good way for aspies to be romantic....in my opinion.

I can't help up on the computer stuff, that is one area I am not good in....there are lots of aspies here that are really, really, good at that stuff...ask around if you need help, maybe you will find one.

Best wishes Mael

Thank you so much Mael,
Yesterday (Valentines day) I sent him an Introductory letter to the new RPP (Russell Protection Project) from the IAB and IAG (International Association of Boys and Girls) (Yes he created both those acronyms for our world) It was completely devoid of all emotion, and filled with all sorts of information regarding neurons and misfiring and posotronic meltdowns. It had a little history of previous projects (The TPP.. Tina Protection project) along with a lot of new acronyms with regard to my health and such and also included actual articles attached pertaining to the issues I was having last year.
It was cute and whimsical and although there was no emotion involved it showed that a lot of thought and love had been put into it. At the end all that was asked for was a little help and a donation of time and effort and a request for his consideration.
So far I have not heard back. I am hoping that he pondering this request, however I am sure that he at least cracked a smile while reading it.
He comes home this evening from a week long business trip. I have resolved not to mention any of these "business letters" out loud to him. I will talk to him on any other daily subject not bringing up anything having to do with the RPP yet keep the updates coming to him on a weekly basis unless he brings it up.
I will attempt to implement some of the "Latest technological breakthroughs" in small increments over time and hope that he will be receptive to them.
Thanks for letting me share this with you. I hope you aren't bored to death and it doesn't bother you. I don't feel I can share this "whimsical world" with anyone in my immediate circle as they would not understand what our relationship was about.
MedeaD

 

[Maelstrom]

Thank you so much Mael,
Yesterday (Valentines day) I sent him an Introductory letter to the new RPP (Russell Protection Project) from the IAB and IAG (International Association of Boys and Girls) (Yes he created both those acronyms for our world) It was completely devoid of all emotion, and filled with all sorts of information regarding neurons and misfiring and posotronic meltdowns. It had a little history of previous projects (The TPP.. Tina Protection project) along with a lot of new acronyms with regard to my health and such and also included actual articles attached pertaining to the issues I was having last year.
It was cute and whimsical and although there was no emotion involved it showed that a lot of thought and love had been put into it. At the end all that was asked for was a little help and a donation of time and effort and a request for his consideration.
So far I have not heard back. I am hoping that he pondering this request, however I am sure that he at least cracked a smile while reading it.
He comes home this evening from a week long business trip. I have resolved not to mention any of these "business letters" out loud to him. I will talk to him on any other daily subject not bringing up anything having to do with the RPP yet keep the updates coming to him on a weekly basis unless he brings it up.
I will attempt to implement some of the "Latest technological breakthroughs" in small increments over time and hope that he will be receptive to them.
Thanks for letting me share this with you. I hope you aren't bored to death and it doesn't bother you. I don't feel I can share this "whimsical world" with anyone in my immediate circle as they would not understand what our relationship was about.
MedeaD

No trouble at all MedeaD ,we all know here how much a struggle the romance people relations thing can be, it is the one thing that grieves me most in life. I can see how much value true love has, but making it happen is so hard with all the troubles in life.
It sounds like a lovely letter I hope it works. Mael

 

[MedeaD]

No trouble at all MedeaD ,we all know here how much a struggle the romance people relations thing can be, it is the one thing that grieves me most in life. I can see how much value true love has, but making it happen is so hard with all the troubles in life.
It sounds like a lovely letter I hope it works. Mael

I can see how relationships would be hard for someone that doesn't understand the NT world or be able to experience verbal emotion. Even my Russell has no idea how to interoperate with the human race. He always says he understands computers better than people. I wish I had done research on this issue prior to the new year. Perhaps I would not have been so quick to get so angry. Although through no fault of my own the female hormones of menopause took over and turned me into a raving lunatic. I can't use that as an excuse for everything, however Im sure it played its part.
He is such a soft soul who when he cares, cares deeply. I know my feelings have always been there for him as well, its just on the surface i didn't always let them come through. Again a product of years of insecurity.
It does appear he has done this in the past with previous g/f's. Dated a few years then when conflict starts to arise it is just easier to run and move on to the next. But when will it end?
I do not know if the "switch" can be turned back on. It has never been done before and he has definantly attested to that. But then I wonder if any of his previous g/f ever took the time to understand his brain and how it functions or if they ever attempted a journey through a whimsical world that he created just for them.
Any advice you can spare would be most helpful. I really do want to understand how to communicate better with him. Even if all we can ever be is good friends. Its not what I want, but if it means losing him forever Ill take his friendship above anything less.
MedeaD

 

[Maelstrom]

Yes as a autistic person I do have to fight the urge to just walk away when things start going sideways because of overload shutdown etcetera...
It is possible you being upset was just to much for him...there are certain hormone treatments I think that can take the edge off that. Perhaps if you explained the problem is temporary and things will settle down it will help.
On romance you need to explain in detail step by step which actions or gifts make you happy....if he is like me and can't remember what day of the week it is...some sort of hint system will have to be worked out for things like Valentines day or Anniversaries.

And you could phrase your problems in a non accusitory fashion...instead of saying I wish you would...you could say such and would make me really happy...giving a actual action that he could do to please you.
One mistake the Ladies make is being too general....like saying be more romantic???? That means nothing to a guy, he doesn't know if you want flowers, poems, songs or what?

My ex-es parting shot was I wasn't aggressive enough.....to this day I have no idea what she meant...it could mean half a dozen things. And I told her when she asked to date me not to bother if she was still stuck on the bad boy thing.

I do think your idea of working through difficult issues by letter or note....as it stops emotional misscomunications and gives quiet time to process new information to him...which he will need.
The letter thing is likely your best option for working out issues with him.
He likely wants to know two things...one that relations will be calmer in the future and two you wont give too hard a time on things he has issues with...his not liking mail could be a problem tho.
The trick is finding a really soft way to approach him, the less distractions the better things will go.

I don't know if I'm helping much, maybe some of you nice aspie ladies have better advice?

 

[MedeaD]

Yes as a autistic person I do have to fight the urge to just walk away when things start going sideways because of overload shutdown etcetera...
It is possible you being upset was just to much for him...there are certain hormone treatments I think that can take the edge off that. Perhaps if you explained the problem is temporary and things will settle down it will help.
On romance you need to explain in detail step by step which actions or gifts make you happy....if he is like me and can't remember what day of the week it is...some sort of hint system will have to be worked out for things like Valentines day or Anniversaries.

And you could phrase your problems in a non accusitory fashion...instead of saying I wish you would...you could say such and would make me really happy...giving a actual action that he could do to please you.
One mistake the Ladies make is being too general....like saying be more romantic???? That means nothing to a guy, he doesn't know if you want flowers, poems, songs or what?

My ex-es parting shot was I wasn't aggressive enough.....to this day I have no idea what she meant...it could mean half a dozen things. And I told her when she asked to date me not to bother if she was still stuck on the bad boy thing.

I do think your idea of working through difficult issues by letter or note....as it stops emotional misscomunications and gives quiet time to process new information to him...which he will need.
The letter thing is likely your best option for working out issues with him.
He likely wants to know two things...one that relations will be calmer in the future and two you wont give too hard a time on things he has issues with...his not liking mail could be a problem tho.
The trick is finding a really soft way to approach him, the less distractions the better things will go.

I don't know if I'm helping much, maybe some of you nice aspie ladies have better advice?

I think at this point he resolved that the romantic part of our relationship is over.
That was never a problem for us either. We always had a wonderful romantic relationship. He already knows all the small little things that make me happy as well, but will not do them in fear of leading me on. He does not want to promote any sort of thought that there could be anything between us in a couple like state. He still does things for me, and sometimes it confuses me. I think he may want more. Sometimes I wonder if he is conflicted in this area.
I am not an Aspie either. I have adolescent like tendencies due to the way I was raised and never really had a childhood. This is why we were so comparable together.
He does have problems with memory. He may remember what day it is, but he needs to write everything down on calendar, and make notes on his daily activities. He seems to only want to remember bad things that have happened.

The letter writing is more of trying to communicate with him while also bringing him back to the fun and whimsical world we once shared. It has also become good therapy for me. It helps me focus on not causing him any stress.
By giving him real information through these imaginary stories as well as a reason to smile, I am hoping that he sees a new and improved me rather than the old me that had been so stubborn before.

As for helping me. You are doing a fine job and it is much appreciated. I am learning about the Aspie brain and how it works and how better to understand it.
As a "Normal" person, it would be easy for me to just walk away from all of this and give up, however I see how wonderful this man is perhaps for the first time, and I want so much to be able to let him see that I am finally beginning to understand him.
TTYL, MedeaD

 

[Maelstrom]

I hope things improve for you....just remember softly softly keep it low stress it is hard for us to communicate if we are overloaded. And be patent it takes a little more time for us to process new requests as we like to roll a thing around in our brains and look at it from all angles before deciding anything.

Best wishes mael

 

[MedeaD]

I hope things improve for you....just remember softly softly keep it low stress it is hard for us to communicate if we are overloaded. And be patent it takes a little more time for us to process new requests as we like to roll a thing around in our brains and look at it from all angles before deciding anything.

Best wishes mael

It appears it is truly over. He is wanting to be friends but that is all. Originally he wanted to treat me like part of the family so I could be part of his sons life.
But the other day his mother decided to shun me. I invited her for lunch and she treated me horribly. I was concerned for her and she did nothing but say mean things to me. Then told him that she never wanted to see me or be around me again. Now he will have to endure her wrath until I am gone, which will be in a couple of months if I'm lucky.
I have had several panic attacks and this whole situation is heartbreaking for all concerned.
He is doing his best to take care of me for now, but I fear these next couple of months in dealing with his mother will only cause resentment.
California.. land of high rent and unaffordability does not permit me to just get up and leave.
Thanks for all your advice on everything. I appreciate it.