Is it possible for an Aspie to attain the social skills of a NT?

[Grumpy Cat]

I think you're overrating NT friendships. The women I work with are NT's and go out on "girls night" all the time. However, I doubt they know that the other talks about the other when they aren't working. They're marriages are on the rocks because they're too busy going out and getting drunk with their "NT friends" when they should be at home. I'm able to converse with them well enough that they keep wanting me to go along. I just tell them I'm not interested in going out and doing those things - where's the benefit? Maybe if they became a little more Aspie their marriages would be great (cause they would be at home with their husband and kids where they should be) and they may develop some "real" friends (even if its just one or two) that are more meaningful and trusting. I have two "real" friends and the one I talk on the phone with can carry the conversation on her own while I mainly text the other. Works great! I just LOVE email and texting - super inventions. How I ever lived without texting I'll never know.

 

[Ereth]

Wow. Really old thread, but . . . I don't see how Aspie social skills are any different or any less "special" than neurotypical ones. It may seem like NTs live a charmed life, but they have just as many problems, social and all, as we do. I'm sure the popular girls I envied had issues I never even heard about (because I was obviously living my life and not theirs). And I think we all try to present our best to society even when things go wrong.

I survived high school and the beginning of college before I found out I was autistic. Trust me. We all have cack happening at one time or another.

 

[Vanilla]

I believe I've managed to do this, though it's not easy, and can take a lot of determination (as it can be pretty draining to keep it up).

I used to be really shy, and would never initiate conversation. I hated public speaking, and struggled at job interviews. Most of the time I was invisible. I got a bit sick of it though, as people didn't seem to respect me for being so quiet.

I fought back by learning to open up, and bite back. Ironically, all the bullying I had put up with all the years, finally made something inside me snap, and fuelled me with a fierce determination. It's made me stronger (though still a little burned out).

It was a huge advantage, as my sister is quite a big personality, and is a great conversationalist, and a major social butterfly, so simply observing her has offered me much references to work with. My mother's the same too.

Though I'm still a little introverted, I've noticed a change in how people now look at me, and respond to my words. I'm much more open and honest in sharing my ideas, and no longer struggle with daily anxieties. I receive much more respect, and I've not only learned to socialise in groups, but have occasionally taken on the role of a leader; something I never thought I could achieve previously.

There's still a lot of work to do, but I'm very happy with my results, I must say

 

[Easter]

Alcohol can make me a social butterfly... with very bad language and no balance. I used alcohol and drugs for years without realising why I needed to... but that was a long time ago now and it prevented me from addressing my problems. I expect at the time I felt more social than I seemed to others as I know now that I never have responded to social cues and norms... they make me very uncomfortable.
I think what is best to remember is that you do not need master social skills to be happy.. and that most of the best friends you can meet will be as anti-social as you and of course understand the reasons for it. Most big groups of people/friends are superficial anyways..

 

[grapesicles]

I think I've just got better at faking it when I need to!

Unless I'm genuinely loving the other person's company, I do get 'socially exhausted' in a lot of situations in which NTs would thrive. I always used to think I'd suddenly become able to socialise effortlessly like everyone else once I was older, but I seem to be going in the opposite direction. I really do like to spend time with certain friends and family members doing things we both like to do, but in situations such as going clubbing/drinking/etc like most students do, I just can't put up with it for long at all without feeling like I need to go relax by myself somewhere. I now choose to avoid particular social situations where I already know I'm going to have a terrible time

 

[AspieSam]

Yes they maybe able to pull it off or do it way better even. However, it's harder for them often. And more exhaustive, and always an act ( kinda to- if not defiantly) . I should know. There are exceptions based on who your comparing them too. However, yes, they cAN. However, it's not always impossible to detect who's trying to hard and who it comes natural too. ! Just an aspie/ disability advocates knowledge!

 

[paloftoon]

NTs in general can handle it better. The best way for us to survive is generally not to completely avoid socializing. At least if you're an adult, you can walk away from situations that start to get stressful more easily, or restrict yourself to small increments of time and then build upon that slowly depending on the group of people there and how well you know them. Baby steps!

I am reminded of a person in an aspie group who asked me to call him. I didn't know him at all. I think he liked how confident I appeared in my posts. He told me he could only talk with me for a minute. I responded and told him he should call me and that he should talk for more than a minute, and if he doesn't feel comfortable answering anything, he just needs to say that instead. So, we still have to keep in mind how other people might feel and take a risk now and then that people won't care enough about us, and how we deal with it. That's how you learn :/

 

[3000 Years of Summer]

I'd say it very much is if you really put your mind to it. Personally I find that alcohol helps me loosen up a little but aside from that I don't have to be full on intoxicated just to hold up a conversation. I'm naturally shy though (As are many NT's in all fairness so maybe it doesn't stand out just as much as I think it does).

 

[brother daniel]

I pray everyday for myself to find the world around me more accessible. My church is very accepting of my passions, and in return I give my passion away to the. Praise Christ!

 

[Crazi]

HELL YEAH! I actually used to be popular in school when I was younger. Mostly a lime light situation but still! I'd be happy to help people work on their social skills if I can!

 

[Dr. Calagari]

What would be the point/ I mean, you could pretend to socialize like an NT, but it would all be fake, in the words of just about every person who's ever lived ''be yourself''

 

[Judge]

What would be the point/ I mean, you could pretend to socialize like an NT, but it would all be fake, in the words of just about every person who's ever lived ''be yourself''

That's the sort of question that might reflect one's place on the spectrum of autism. For those of us with more mild forms, I can see how hard we might attempt to "blend in" to some degree. Not so much to "be" Neurotypical, but to simply escape the usual ridicule and rejection we so often encounter. Of course none of that changes the reality that in many cases, this process is mentally exhausting and cannot be kept up indefinitely.

Just a hunch, but I suspect that if I were further along the spectrum, I'd be much less inclined to consider emulating NT behavior only to be accepted on some nominal level. Is that better or worse? I haven't a clue...

 

[Ste11aeres]

What would be the point/ I mean, you could pretend to socialize like an NT, but it would all be fake, in the words of just about every person who's ever lived ''be yourself''

I think it might be necessary for work. And for most people work is necessary in order to gain money to pay rent and buy food. But in regards to ones personal life, I agree with you.

 

[Judge]

I think it might be necessary for work. And for most people work is necessary in order to gain money to pay rent and buy food. But in regards to ones personal life, I agree with you.

Point taken. I can't imagine trying to keep up a charade just to maintain any personal relationship with anyone.

 

[joshuaturbeville]

What I'm trying to ask is, have any of you gone from being the introverted, quiet person with no friends that us aspies tend to be, to a social butterfly who is extroverted and can make friends with ease? I'm curious to know if it's possible, because I've been trying to do it for quite some time now, and more or less I'm making progress. It seems almost impossible though, because NT people are all over the place.

i m really not sure how much is out there for adults... there is only one great book i hv read that has been of solid practical help to me, but it is actually aimed at the practising professionals e.g. psychologists rather than an aspie selfhelp book...

"Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome" by Valerie H. Gaus

i hv also found a lot of insights indirectly by reading about other adult aspie's experiences and thoughts... try googling the following for their books...

- temple grandin
- michael buckholtz
- john elder robison
- liane holloway

good luck!

 

[Max]

I have had people not realize I'm autistic despite knowing me for months, and express great surprise when I tell them, so I take this as a sign that I must be getting pretty close to NT skills.

 

[paloftoon]

One of the best ways to gain social skills is to think about yourself. Be confident about who you are, and open to new things you might not like to do or try, but also don't let people walk all over you either. This allows you to grow your own way, and this is what will truly make you attain social skills. I don't feel that social skills always necessarily means having a lot of friends either, but rather how to not let people walk all over you at least.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I think it is possible for an Aspie to fake it to a certain extent, but it takes a LOT of knowledge and discipline. It's not something you wake up and say you can do it. You have to know yourself and how you differ from "mainstream" NT society, which for me at least has been defined as white, straight, female, middle-class and definitely not handicapped or on the spectrum. There were no other options unless you wanted to be content living on the margins. And again, that was not presented as a desirable goal.

I am in a racial awareness group at my church and I never realized until now how much of my behavioral modification conditioning was based on the above factors. I don't know what happened to my classmates who were not able to fit in but I suspect that many of them either ended up institutionalized, living with their families, scrounging a living on minimum wage or sheltered workshops, in and out of homeless shelters, and just generally invisible. I don't know because I never kept touch with them. We were all taught basically to despise ourselves and each other and since the goal was to fit in, you did not associate with those who were not able to. I suspect that I am one of the rare "success" stories since I am living on my own and more or less functioning in NT society and it's been quite a while since my right to be in that society has been challenged as it was more frequently when I was younger.

People do not believe me when I tell them that what you see is a carefully crafted artificial persona, one who has learned to modify and adapt to whatever inputs I may be receiving at the moment. I CAN'T be 100% honest with people; I used to be so when I was younger and it caused no end of trouble. The downside of all this simulation is that I cannot be intimate (and I'm not talking sex) with others; they must always be kept at arms length because I know sooner or later I will end up being rejected and taking the blame for that rejection should I reveal a part of myself that is not acceptable.

This is not limited to autism; there are a number of "invisible" things that people feel that they must hide because they know if these things are revealed they will be exposed to negative consequences which can range from relatively benign slights to actual life-threatening situations. To be "invisibly" different and yet "succeed" in American society today is to walk a very careful tightrope.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

I think with time, i did not grow out of my symptoms, but i kind of grew IN to them. If that makes sense. Ive learned how to work my operating system to where it appears on the surface to be running relatively smoothly. This took like 20+ years of trial and error though, and im still not awesome at it.

I think though...if you can be self confident, and comfortable in your own skin , people dont really care if you are a little odd. I however am not always self confident and comfortable in my skin. I should take my own advice.

 

[Coco]

Last year, (a year ago today exactly), I was diagnosed aged 15 and my social life went completely dead. I kept having anxiety attacks and my group of friends who didn't include me in anything drifted from me. I was pretty much a complete shut-in for the entire summer holiday duration and even coming back in September, the same routine repeated itself.

But in September this year I'll be re-doing the year again and I have to say that I have completely changed. I have made so many new friends and re-kindled friendships with old ones, it's all thanks to my school and all the time they put into 'reforming' me.

I wouldn't go as far as saying that I'm a 'social butterfly' yet, and I definately don't think that my heart is ready for that kind of social life either, but I can answer your question like this; While it may not be possible to attain social skills of an NT, it is very possible to pick them up from others and 'act out' the social skills of an NT.