Is Life Really Supposed To Be This Lonely

[ezcare]

Yes, it is extremely difficult to do this as an Aspie. I was diagnosed late at the age of 46, with a long history of isolation and lack of follow-through of career choices.

Learning how to take care of our health and ourselves is key to making things easier and equipping ourselves with the tools we need to be strong and persevering.

Eventually, things do get better.

Change a few details and you could be describing my life as an Aspie. I especially identify with your Elementary School scenario except for the nose picking part. I guess I was steered away from that by my mother's arcane advice: "you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friend's nose."
I support you closing statement 100%. If we persist and believe in ourselves, we will prevail. It will all be OK in the end so if it is not OK, it cannot be the end.

 

[radiofixr]

I have been lonely most of my life unless someone wants or needs something the they all become your instant friend-it has gotten worse since my mother passed away almost 3 years ago. I can only hope it gets better but it does not look like it will.

 

[FreakyZettairyouiki]

Yes, I would love to be a friend to many if not all of the people here. Maybe to make up for my years of desolateness in the field of friendship. I feel the same, that I was literally created to be alone. I don't want AS to define me but at the same time, it's been used to define me my whole life and I just...I don't know what or who I am really.

 

[OkRad]

I am alone a lot. I have lost 100% of my friends since my accident, but I go to a brain injury support group. But last year I made the decision NEVER to let anyone in my life every again.

I am just too complicated now and it never ends well. I can't sustain a friendship and I cannot do relationships. I am afraid of people and want them near but not in my space. I don't want to hurt anyone or confuse anyone.

So I never ever talk in public. I have a book in my hand always to keep people away. I try to smile to be nice. I like people and care about them but cannot be part of their world.

It used to make me so sad but now I realize I will only hurt them by confusing them. I transferred gyms since I made friends there and had a terrible replapse into an almost psychotic state. They were alarmed and hurt and wondering WTF.

I was doing so well, and then poof. I would be afraid of peope like me so therefore I will not hurt them.

 

[Peatsmoke]

Why is making friends so damn hard?

I've wondered this myself many times. Is it because most people just want a partner, and once they've got that, they're not really bothered about getting to know anyone new? Or because they rely on family for most of their "friendships", even if, in many cases, those friendships are largely an illusion or make it difficult to ever truly develop as a person? Or is it just because of a total lack of curiosity - I've noticed that many people seem to have no interest in anything or anybody outside new - they don't seem to ever think "hmm, that/they sound interesting, I want to know more"...

 

[DylanTheAspie]

Dylan,
The transition from school friends to outside-of-school friends is probably the most difficult time you will face over your lifetime. It was for me. The reason, IMO, is because the 20-something age, even for NTs, is one of rousing action and high emotionalism. These symptoms of maturity come when our intellectual idealism meets the reality we are faced with: becoming independent, realizing our personal identity and taking responsibility for what we make of ourselves. It took me a good 20 yeas to get through this period of my life. But thanks to my Aspie persistence and dogged desire to find my place in the world, I was able to get through it without codependency or medication. I realize not every one of us has the ability to do this, but for those who can I strongly recommend it. Don't let a label define you. Labels are like weapons; they can be lethal in the wrong hands.

Thanks for this, you're definitely right. I label myself too much sometimes, and think I can't do something because I'm "X" or "Y", when in reality I can do it if I try hard enough.

 

[ezcare]

I have been lonely most of my life unless someone wants or needs something the they all become your instant friend-it has gotten worse since my mother passed away almost 3 years ago. I can only hope it gets better but it does not look like it will.

Just want to make an unsolicited observation: When you say, "I can only hope it gets better but it does not look like it will." you are setting yourself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes. You have every right to HOPE it gets better for you. But hoping only helps when you believe it is possible. And I know it is possible because I was where you are now for most of my childhood and early adult life. It takes some practice, but over time you will learn how to sort out "instant friends" from genuine ones. And I bet there are a lot of people on this Forum who can back me up on that. NTs have a natural ability to do this but we Aspies have to work at it. One test I have found useful is the "I am stuck on the road and need a lift...can you pick me up?" Instant friends will have an instant excuse for why they can't do so. Genuine friends will either be there themselves or find alternative ways for you to get home. Others may even judge you with harsh words like "why in the world did you go there?" Avoid these people like the plague. They lift themselves up by putting folks like us down.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

It depends. You may need to make some effort, but I know it's difficult, and even more so if you're socially awkward and make a lot of faux pax. It's also difficult if you have difficulty following a conversation, can't hear what's being said against a lot of background noise, or find yourself zoning out if there are several conversations going on at once; don't even get started on knowing where to start in a crowded room! Maybe a chat with your vicar or one of his representatives may be helpful, in that they may be able to give you some tips, or put you in touch with one or two people to get you started.

 

[fuðflogi]

Yea,lonely,but not always, I have my dog, my partner of 15 or 16 years, mostly it's ok but I think that media has a huge portion of the blame, the way friendships are portrayed. My biggest problem is that as I'm trying to become a better person I realize that feedback from others is absolutely essential to gauge how I come across to others, no feedback makes for a confused ,needy lopsided character. But then so often others won't say what they truly think.

 

[yotimbo]

Over the years I've learned to find this attitude helpful. Whether I "like" it or not, this is my natural way of dealing with people.

Years ago I read a popular self-help book about how to avoid depression, and the author was sure that any depressed person should "just go out there and BE with people," yadda yadda, and he or she wrote something to the effect of "almost all of us feel better when we're with others than when we're alone." I HAD to chuckle at that remark! Actually I wish I could remember what book/author it was, because the remark had such an unintended good effect.

Maybe this will work for someone here - I have a few friends (I hope?) from a certain weekly support group, I'm very faithful about attending, I do enjoy (pretty much) seeing them once a week, but I also enjoy going home to recover from all that sociability once a week. They are friends in the sense they'd visit me in the hospital (I'm pretty sure!) if I were run over or something like that, and I'd do likewise.

I'll tape your quote to my computer: "The only time I feel alone is when im with other people" - if any NT sees it they'll think it's a joke, but I know you're serious.

Thanks , thats nice that you know what i mean

 

[yotimbo]

Yes, I would love to be a friend to many if not all of the people here. Maybe to make up for my years of desolateness in the field of friendship. I feel the same, that I was literally created to be alone. I don't want AS to define me but at the same time, it's been used to define me my whole life and I just...I don't know what or who I am really.

You are a satellite wolf like all of us here , your years spent in the wilderness were a valuable learning curve which you will appreciate later on . We aren't like them we are different but we are ferociously independent in the end and have a raw intelligence that boggles their minds. I wouldn't try to connect with people if I were you , I used to try and its pointless. Embrace your gift my friend and google the term "satellite wolf" because we live and circle the perimeter of their insane society but nip in and out when they or we need help.

 

[ezcare]

I used to seek out friendships and after I had some friends I really just wanted to be left alone. Most of the time I prefer my own company to the company of others. Now I have a one or two close friends and one of them lives 2800 miles away which is perfect.

I have often thought that if I were on a deserted island I would do just fine.

In my younger days I wanted to be among the first to live in a colony on the moon. However, as time went by I began to realize that my attitude had more to do with me than with other people.

Because the term "Asperger's" was not exactly a household word until the 90's, I went through most of my adult life undiagnosed. Although there were many clues in my lifestyle and socialization difficulties, the lack of a WARNING label might have been a blessing for me. Without a label, I could evolve on my own terms--not on what NT experts prescribed. And failure was not an option since I had no safety net to catch me if I fell off the cliff.

I did fall many times and was very naive and as trusting as most Aspies tend to be. I am still not sure if it was my persistence or stalworth personality that won over the few very beneficial NTs I encountered along the way. They seemed to enter my life just when I was ready to go off the cliff and pull me back. They also helped me find my talents and skills.

So looking back has forced me to realize that the odds of encountering those people on the moon or an isolated island were near zero. As John Donne aptly proclaimed in "Devotions upon Emergent Occasions" (1624): "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main..." I would amend this to add "even an Aspie"

 

[the antique autistic]

I live in Colorado. Next month we are hopefully purchasing a fixer-upper in Beulah, which, we hope to be the first in our living autistic community. I am a board member of a group, AutHaven community, [if the name Authaven sounds familiar it is because we have held annual by and for Autistic retreats since 2013] At this point we do NOT have tax-exempt status, but we are under the umbrella of Rooster Ranch.

Probably the most common conversation at AutHaven retreat was about an in-real-life fairly rustic Autistic community. And, since most of us have very small incomes, a place where food and lodging would come to arround $400 a month per person. [plus time spent helping in the community]

We already have chickens for eggs, and have a deposit on 2 yet to be born, Nigerian Dwarf goats [for milk and cuteness]

We will be starting with one, well, shack. [which is actually my personal property, or will be, but will share]There is am area in the shack that will make a great sensory room. In the next year we hope, for Authaven to raise enough money to purchase the acreage next door, where we will be putting in gardens, activity centers, and fifth wheels and camper trailers [nice ones] for people to live in. There is additional land next to that which has a cabin on it, but at that point we will be beyond the 5 year plan.

 

[HughG]

I am alone a lot. I have lost 100% of my friends since my accident, but I go to a brain injury support group. But last year I made the decision NEVER to let anyone in my life every again.

I am just too complicated now and it never ends well. I can't sustain a friendship and I cannot do relationships. I am afraid of people and want them near but not in my space. I don't want to hurt anyone or confuse anyone.

So I never ever talk in public. I have a book in my hand always to keep people away. I try to smile to be nice. I like people and care about them but cannot be part of their world.

It used to make me so sad but now I realize I will only hurt them by confusing them. I transferred gyms since I made friends there and had a terrible replapse into an almost psychotic state. They were alarmed and hurt and wondering WTF.

I was doing so well, and then poof. I would be afraid of peope like me so therefore I will not hurt them.

 

[HughG]

Hey, I know you! Sup rad? You like strange words, right? How about "floccinaucinihilipilification". Ever hears of it???

 

[ezcare]

I've noticed that many people seem to have no interest in anything or anybody outside new - they don't seem to ever think "hmm, that/they sound interesting, I want to know more"...

What you have described here is one very dominate characteristic of Asperger's and of those who grew up in a dysfunctional family: the need to keep doing what seems to work and to avoid anything that might cause emotional pain.

 

[ezcare]

Hey, I know you! Sup rad? You like strange words, right? How about "floccinaucinihilipilification". Ever hears of it???

Thought you were making it up until I googled it and learned " it is the act or habit of describing or regarding something as unimportant, of having no value or being ..." Wonder how many NT bosses would describe an employee this way if they were unaware of that person's ASD?