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Is my situation novel?

Markness

Markness

Wondering Soul
V.I.P Member
I feel as if my situation in regards to not being able to establish a romantic relationship and make as well as keep maintained friendships regularly is novel. I don’t really see others around me struggling with the same issues because they tend to have places where they can go for support and find solutions that I just can’t get.
 
Your situation is not novel. I once thought I would be forever incomplete without a partner. But a true partnership requires two people who are already complete by themselves. Love thyself first. Then you will be ready to love another.
 
@Markness - if anybody tells you that you should not love yourself, forget that person. You deserve better than that. I really want to see you build yourself up and reach a spot where you have enough confidence to be a magnet for the right woman for you.

Frankly, I am giving you this advice because I need to hear it myself and in my search for the right guy. Your situation is not novel at all. If you succeed in building yourself up, you will help others out in the same boat.
 
Metalhead said:
Your situation is not novel. I once thought I would be forever incomplete without a partner. But a true partnership requires two people who are already complete by themselves. Love thyself first. Then you will be ready to love another.
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So very true. While I had desire for a partner, I was certainly not ready until I got my act together to live independently and was financially secure. That, along with interests and other successes made me feel good about myself and gave me the confidence to engage for connection. I felt that I could offer a woman concrete material benefits.

In the space of a year, I met my future spouse, moved to Chicago, began a career in pharma, married, and bought our first house.
 
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Your situation is far from novel. Finding a good connection with a woman that builds into a secure relationship is hard even for NTs. Divorce is proof of that. For us ND, social, psychological, and behavioral barriers, including those we erect ourself, are significant. @Metalhead has it right. You need to be complete unto yourself, enjoy who you are, and be able to demonstrate that you have something substantial to offer a prospective partner, starting with the ability to live independently.
 
But if I remember correctly, difficulty making and maintaining relationships is actually listed as a symptom in the DSM. I could be wrong.
 
Fino said:
But if I remember correctly, difficulty making and maintaining relationships is actually listed as a symptom in the DSM. I could be wrong.
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True, but it’s a minefield for every human. Nobody has this 100% down.
 
Markness said:
I feel as if my situation in regards to not being able to establish a romantic relationship and make as well as keep maintained friendships regularly is novel. I don’t really see others around me struggling with the same issues because they tend to have places where they can go for support and find solutions that I just can’t get.
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TBH I can't imagine a relationship with an NT woman working. Even if I was rich and had the best six-pack ever. The mentality is too different, life with me would be awful.
 
Markness said:
I feel as if my situation in regards to not being able to establish a romantic relationship and make as well as keep maintained friendships regularly is novel. I don’t really see others around me struggling with the same issues because they tend to have places where they can go for support and find solutions that I just can’t get.
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If you look around the currently active threads, there are a number here about the same problem. You are not novel. Additionally, you would not likely notice a guy who can't get a girlfriend. There's nothing flashy about it, and it isn't something guys tend to advertise.
 
Au Naturel said:
If you look around the currently active threads, there are a number here about the same problem. You are not novel. Additionally, you would not likely notice a guy who can't get a girlfriend. There's nothing flashy about it, and it isn't something guys tend to advertise.
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In my experience NTs find out about all that stuff real quick, and it's their favorite attack vector when a guy's not getting any.
 
Markness said:
I don’t really see others around me struggling
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Many people do not wear their struggles on their sleeve for everyone to see, though.

Don’t you see many many many people struggling with that here?

You are not alone in this. Does that make you feel better or worse?
 
Jacks Brain said:
In my experience NTs find out about all that stuff real quick, and it's their favorite attack vector when a guy's not getting any.
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Most certainly. I felt ashamed and damaged when guys I knew would share their sexual experiences with me. Firstly, what type of jerk would share their intimacies with women, some of whom I knew. I felt particularly defective and unworthy of love when no woman at the time showed the slightest interest in me, even as a friend. I nearly battered a guy who, after having sex with her, was mocking a girl's breasts.

Experiences like those taught me that I could only rely on myself, and while I could have used help, I never thought to ask for assistance. It was a number of years before I could open up to others.
 
Jacks Brain said:
In my experience NTs find out about all that stuff real quick, and it's their favorite attack vector when a guy's not getting any.
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How could an NT know that an ND is not sexually active unless the ND tells them so? Publicly discussing one's sex life is taboo for everyone, IMHO.
 
Markness said:
I feel as if my situation in regards to not being able to establish a romantic relationship and make as well as keep maintained friendships regularly is novel. I don’t really see others around me struggling with the same issues because they tend to have places where they can go for support and find solutions that I just can’t get.
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I understand it can make you feel like that.
I often get baffled by autistic people who manage to make friends with their NT peers, especially autistic teenagers. When I was a teenager I had literally zero friends for a time, while other awkward autistic-type who I know/knew of seemed to have at least ONE friend at high school. I even read somewhere that usually high-functioning autistic females who go to mainstream school do commonly find themselves a few girl friends who accept them, or at least a best friend. People didn't even want to waste their time exploiting me lol. To my female classmates I just didn't exist. Heartbreaking and I think even unusual for a non-obvious female spectrumer.
 
Mary Terry said:
How could an NT know that an ND is not sexually active unless the ND tells them so? Publicly discussing one's sex life is taboo for everyone, IMHO.
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Are you Amish, or something like that?

When I was working recently, I was asked frequently about my marital status. Do I have kids. How old was the oldest person I had sex with? NTs just ask, and then you're on the spot.

When I was a young man, it was brutal. If you're not known to be having sex with a woman, you must be gay. Guys don't give you respect, except maybe a few religious zealots, if you also subscribe to their religion. Most religious types are trying to get laid though. The pressure is high.
 
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