Is there anyone that has aspergers & children and can help me please?

[Tom]

I'm Aspie but can't relate to your situation very much. The only thing that jumps out at me is your partner is toxic. I don't see that ever improving. I think trying to hang on to that is just going to hurt you more and more and for no reason.

 

[AO1501]

Thank you. That’s very helpful but the problem is I’m not allowed to talk. Like, ever, let alone important stuff. It just annoys them. Full stop. Regardless of the topic.

Except that they don't make the rules, they are children. That's just attitude, so you ignore it and keep going. You will break that barrier down, you just have to keep up the effort.

That isn't to trivialise how it feels to you, but you have no choice because you are the parent, so they don't dictate to you.

 

[Pats]

I am definitely re assessing my life and it is quite shocking to be honest. I have realised why Ive never stayed anywhere or in a job for more than 2 years really. Maybe I’ll try this, maybe I’ll do that, this will work, this will make me happy, over and over for 41 years. Clearly it never worked but I know now why. The only support I get is on here. My girls dad isn’t talking to me and I don’t know what I’ve done. He constantly undermines me with my girls. He has had to play the lead role for the last few years due to my depression and although I’m back now as a functioning mother, and given it my ALL for the last 18 months, it’s geting me nowhere. He’s blocking me and they’re happy to let him. I’m just an annoyance to them all. A perfect example of my daily conversations is this. This morning I said to
him, ‘would you like anything from the shop?’ He said ‘NO, and stop talking to me!’. Hmmm ok then. Gives you a rough idea and my girls aren’t much better. It’s a very hostile environment for me. I am the outsider. Of course I will keep trying, I love them but I need to catch a break. It’s so
Unhealthy and I want to be healthy, after 8 years of hell with my depression, I think I deserve it for once.

First - admittingly or not the girls will always love you and it'll help them as they grow up to see that you never gave up on them and was there for them. They are mimicking their dad because they can.

Now - Your husband is a jerk and you have GOT to get away from the situation. Away from him. Have you ever heard that girls tend to look for husband similar to their dads? I am not an advocate for divorce and I really do believe marriage is supposed to be til death do us part. But not when there is abuse involved - physical or emotional. Show your girls that you do not allow yourself to continue to take abuse.

I know for myself it's hard to stand up for yourself and your self image is so low you often feel you deserve that kind of treatment but no one deserves having to deal with not being allowed to talk. Find some thing you enjoy and do it. And at whatever speed you can do it, find your life away from your husband.
I've got another story to tell you, but it's about my parents, not me. My mom was probably on the spectrum but that was never considered - she's been gone almost 9 years and I never even considered any type of autism until a couple years ago. My mom dealt with depression and very low self esteem and suicidal thoughts constantly. My dad hated her and she stayed with him until he finally left her once all us kids were grown and out of the house. He was mean and hateful and I seen him try to drive her to suicide by convincing her that no one liked her, even her own parents. After that statement he watched her take a bunch of pills to kill herself and he left the house. See - his religious upbringing he believed his only way out was for her to die so he tried to drive her to that point. After he left the house she ended up calling 911 and was in the hospital for a while.

I was there visiting once from out of town and I walked into the house. My dad was sitting on his recliner and I asked, "Where's my mom?" In a real cocky tone he said she was in the bathroom, guess we need to send her off to a crazy home. I went into the bathroom where my mom had broken the mirror over the sink because she looked in it and seen horns coming out of her head. My dad had convinced her that she had a demon inside her and had said terrible things to her. I talked her down that night to my dad's disappointment and he had hardly anything to do with me after that.

My mom still stayed in that mess until he left, and although she never wanted him to leave her and always missed him, she actually became a much happier person in general. No more suicidal thoughts and no more severe depression once she got out of the depression of him leaving. It ended up me and my mom together because I ended up divorced too. (different reasons though. My first husband ran around from day one and after 5 years I had enough and left. Second, I found out later that he was a con artist and he was gay and I was his cover.) But it ended up me and my mom. We were kind of enemies during my kid's teen years, but once they grew up we became best friends again and I was taking care of her at home with hospice when she passed.

My dad is gone now, too and I may be the only one who knew how evil he really was because the rest of the world he was Mr Perfect - to all but his family.

 

[Tanyax]

Thank you for that. It amazes me how much time people take on here to talk to me. I have to say that my situation is highly unusual. During my 8 years of depression my partner and I broke up more times than you can imagine. All of my doing. I thought at the time that I was depressed because I was unhappy and imagined it was because of our relationship. We own a home together and because I can’t work I had to stay. I refused to sell our home and still do because we have a lovely house with a big garden and I want my girls to have that. So, after living together but separated for a few years, I met someone and he was ok with that and my girls were too. So I was relieved and grateful that it was working because they could have hated me. So a year last may he made me move out to live with my boyfriend which I didn’t want to do but did. I moved out on the proviso that I would have the girls half the time. That never happened. The only way I can see them is at our home so I spend more time there than at my boyfriends. My ex does either works 6 til 6 at day or night so when he’s on nights I stay. When he’s on earlys I stay. My boyfriend also stays when he’s not at work himself so In many ways I’m very lucky. My 10 year old loves him and it can be a very lovely thing. We turned into a family of 5. But ultimately, I feel grateful that my ex allows me to stay in ‘our’ house. And enables me to spend as much time my girls as I can. It’s weird, I know. It’s a mix and a mess of gratitude and people being allowed to treat me like a sub human. I guess I’ll just do anything to be with my girls and I’m grateful that he’ll allow that because he could’ve been worse. So, now all I do is try try and try and get treated like crap but have to be grateful for whatever scraps I get. I guess that’s it really. It is wierd so I don’t know what you’ll make of it but bottom line is, I need him. My girls adore him and won’t accept me without him and even though he clouds their judgement of me I don’t have a choice. And despite all of that, I really do love him. Not in the way I needed to when we were together but I love him. And when he lets me down it really hurts. He is my family. He is the only one that was there for me when my family weren’t. We always said we were a team and we only needed each other and I still feel that way. Plus he doesn’t have a family either really again partly by choice but I desperately want to continue to take care of him and I do all I can to try to do that.i make his packed lunches and cook for him etc. Caring things that sometimes get rejected and thrown back in my face but that’s who I am. I care and I can’t help it and I can’t stop. And I refuse to stop because I am a loving person and I won’t let the world change what is the absolute thing that defines me. That I love and that I care. Jeez, that was long... thanks for listening x

 

[Pats]

Thank you for that. It amazes me how much time people take on here to talk to me. I have to say that my situation is highly unusual. During my 8 years of depression my partner and I broke up more times than you can imagine. All of my doing. I thought at the time that I was depressed because I was unhappy and imagined it was because of our relationship. We own a home together and because I can’t work I had to stay. I refused to sell our home and still do because we have a lovely house with a big garden and I want my girls to have that. So, after living together but separated for a few years, I met someone and he was ok with that and my girls were too. So I was relieved and grateful that it was working because they could have hated me. So a year last may he made me move out to live with my boyfriend which I didn’t want to do but did. I moved out on the proviso that I would have the girls half the time. That never happened. The only way I can see them is at our home so I spend more time there than at my boyfriends. My ex does either works 6 til 6 at day or night so when he’s on nights I stay. When he’s on earlys I stay. My boyfriend also stays when he’s not at work himself so In many ways I’m very lucky. My 10 year old loves him and it can be a very lovely thing. We turned into a family of 5. But ultimately, I feel grateful that my ex allows me to stay in ‘our’ house. And enables me to spend as much time my girls as I can. It’s weird, I know. It’s a mix and a mess of gratitude and people being allowed to treat me like a sub human. I guess I’ll just do anything to be with my girls and I’m grateful that he’ll allow that because he could’ve been worse. So, now all I do is try try and try and get treated like crap but have to be grateful for whatever scraps I get. I guess that’s it really. It is wierd so I don’t know what you’ll make of it but bottom line is, I need him. My girls adore him and won’t accept me without him and even though he clouds their judgement of me I don’t have a choice. And despite all of that, I really do love him. Not in the way I needed to when we were together but I love him. And when he lets me down it really hurts. He is my family. He is the only one that was there for me when my family weren’t. We always said we were a team and we only needed each other and I still feel that way. Plus he doesn’t have a family either really again partly by choice but I desperately want to continue to take care of him and I do all I can to try to do that.i make his packed lunches and cook for him etc. Caring things that sometimes get rejected and thrown back in my face but that’s who I am. I care and I can’t help it and I can’t stop. And I refuse to stop because I am a loving person and I won’t let the world change what is the absolute thing that defines me. That I love and that I care. Jeez, that was long... thanks for listening x

Thanks for sharing all that. You give me more to consider than just hearing how bad he treats you and I hate the thought of anyone being treated with such disregard to feelings. My narcissist husband made me feel like nothing about me mattered to the point it didn't matter whether I even existed. But he did want taken care of so he didn't want me to leave but I did.

I do understand where you are coming from but I wish you would demand a little more than scraps. And I believe even more that you need to search for who you are and things of interest that will make you feel happy with you. The more you like yourself, the more you will realize that you deserve better than what you're getting.

I'm here if you need to unload and will not judge because we all do what we feel we need to do and doing the best we can.

 

[Tanyax]

I don’t think he’s a jerk. I think he acts like one especially at the minute. It bothers me that I might be wrong. I loved him for 18 years and I still do I couldn’t bear it if was wrong. I have put him through so much so I’d rather believe that I’ve pushed him into treating me badly. I just want it to stop that’s all. I cannot bear it when anyone says a bad word against him and yet he hurts me more than anyone. I guess I have a long way to go on this one. It’s not straight forward and it’s not going to be easy. I think that as long as my girls are happy and he plays a massive role in that then I just have to put up and shut up. Today though, I’ll admit that I wished that somehow he would disappear because the only time they want me and need me is when he’s off limits ie if they’ve fallen out. I guess I’m jealous. I want what he has. He’s a very lucky man

 

[Tanyax]

I do demand more than scraps. I just don’t get it. My girls don’t care and hate it when I talk full stop let alone try and build a better relationship with them. Anything emotional or meaningful. He will not help me in any way whatsoever to try to get them to change their behaviour. To be honest, they are awful. They are so badly behaved and aggressive toward each other and rude and plain out of order but he just ignores it or laughs. I’m not happy with the way they are being raised but I have no voice. And when I use it I annoy people and potentially asked to leave. It really is awful. But if you can read in between the lines you will see why. Its horrendous. I’m at the mercy of others and I’m not allowed to be a Mum and I can’t do anything about it. Dad is the only one who they listen to and care about and I don’t factor into it so that’s why I have to settle for scraps

 

[Pats]

I don't know the history of your relationship and I don't know the details over what you have shared so I definitely am in no position to give advice. Plus with my own past, I'm probably the last person who should be giving advice to anyone anyway. I do ask one thing of you. If it was not you, but one of your daughters in in this situation, how would you feel? I don't expect you to answer that, just at some point ask yourself that. I don't care what you've done in the past you deserve respect. Things happen and that's life. It's like you're being punished for something and you maybe feel like you merited it? You didn't. I think it's great that you have worked out arrangements as you have

 

[Pats]

The girls are hitting those horrifying teen years which are unpleasant, to say the least. They are at the point that parents know nothing and searching for their own ways. They still need guidance but refuse to accept it. Doesn't matter what you do they are going to do what they want and all you can do is hang on tight to sanity and pray to get through it alive.

 

[Tanyax]

Im intensely lost right now and the only thing that helps me is you guys. I love to hear your stories, your lives, your difficulties, your triumphs. Just anything that takes me away from what I’m having to deal with.

This is so very new for me and whilst I feel the relief of a diagnosis finally at 41. I know what’s wrong with me! It’s liberating but now I have to find the best way to try and live with it and I really don’t know much about Aspergers or anyone who has it. It’s a whole new world and right now you guys are the only ones who can help me. In fact, you’re the only ones I want to talk to at all. I don’t care what say. I just need to hear you speak.

Please, if you have the time, tell me about your lives. I don’t know if this is normal but I desperately need to connect. I’ve finally found who I am and I’m trying to make sense of it. To you kind souls out there, please help me fill in the blanks.

I’m an absolute newby and a struggling one at that. Chronically depressed for 8 years. Finally on the mend then thrown this curve ball. I’m desperate for information, for words, for a connection and you people have been amazing. You’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know but I need to know more, learn more and talking to you. Each and every single one of you helps me so much. So I’m asking you to please keep trying.

Please keep talking and talking and talking and talking because it’s all that’s getting me through right now. Thank you all for the love you’ve shown me on this site. It is immense and I’m so very grateful xx

 

[Pats]

Im intensely lost right now and the only thing that helps me is you guys. I love to hear your stories, your lives, your difficulties, your triumphs. Just anything that takes me away from what I’m having to deal with.

This is so very new for me and whilst I feel the relief of a diagnosis finally at 41. I know what’s wrong with me! It’s liberating but now I have to find the best way to try and live with it and I really don’t know much about Aspergers or anyone who has it. It’s a whole new world and right now you guys are the only ones who can help me. In fact, you’re the only ones I want to talk to at all. I don’t care what say. I just need to hear you speak.

Please, if you have the time, tell me about your lives. I don’t know if this is normal but I desperately need to connect. I’ve finally found who I am and I’m trying to make sense of it. To you kind souls out there, please help me fill in the blanks.

I’m an absolute newby and a struggling one at that. Chronically depressed for 8 years. Finally on the mend then thrown this curve ball. I’m desperate for information, for words, for a connection and you people have been amazing. You’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know but I need to know more, learn more and talking to you. Each and every single one of you helps me so much. So I’m asking you to please keep trying.

Please keep talking and talking and talking and talking because it’s all that’s getting me through right now. Thank you all for the love you’ve shown me on this site. It is immense and I’m so very grateful xx

Hi Tanyax. Was glad to hear from you again, I was worried I may have ruffled you the wrong way.
Have you been reading the other posts on here just relating to aspergers/autism? So often I read them and think, Oh yeah, I can relate to that. And there are some really good traits fitting into this spectrum. Even what may appear to be a negative trait may be good because we often see things in a different way and can point things out to NT's that they would have never picked up on.
I had dinner with my son, daughter and their families and my ex and his boyfriend (yep you heard me right lol). We actually was put in the back room so it was fairly quiet until this bachelor party came in and then it just was so loud I wasn't able to focus on anything, hear anything but thundering voices. By the time we got out of there my face was burning up and I was feeling dizzy and lightheaded. Wasn't sure I was even going to make it home - 45 minute drive.
Anyhow - I'm sure I'm going to be home the next couple days doing not much of anything but resting. Unless my daughter goes into labor, in which case I'll be sitting at the hospital.

 

[Bella Pines]

First point. You can do it. You're self aware, articulate and analytical, you can do it. Hang in there.

So me, I'm 42, pure aspie/HFA, pretty much every symptom, some to the extreme.

My mother had schizophrenia and smoked her way through benefits. I mostly raised and fed myself before leaving home as soon as possible. I struggled through a degree, passing through resits and then held down jobs for 2 years on the nose before getting stressed and having meltdowns or depression. I have one ptsd friend who I met at aged 11 and am still friends with now, that pretty much meets my quota so I'm not planning on making any more.

Fast forward 20 years and I'm now married with 2 sons and have been in the same city job for over 10 years. I work 4 days a week and am training on the side to be an author/photographer among other things. I think I'm happy, though I've been told that I have the emotional range of a teaspoon so it's difficult to tell...

But the road from depression to a comfortable family life was bumpy to say the least. The key point is that it is possible.

So from reading your history, I think you might be having an identity problem. The reason I say that is that you are looking for something and not finding it. You want your family to treat you in a certain way, you want people to say certain things to you. But the answer you are looking for is not outside, it is inside.

You see, aspies tend to be apart from everyone else. We see things from the outside. We don't follow the crowd. This means that we don't assume the role that people expect us to play. The "caring friend", the "dedicated mum". Most neurotypicals look at what is expected from them and become that from birth. But aspies adapt. At our core, we are observers, thinkers, apart from the crowd. So during our lives we wear masks, we become different things according to what is necessary. We adapt, we mirror people, we force smiles and laughter where we think it is expected.

The problem that brings is that we can lose our sense of self. I'm so busy playing the executive, the artist, the face painter, the mother and so on, it's easy to forget the "real me". Some of us have been wearing masks for so long we forget what is behind them. So many aspies end up asking the question, is there a "real me" behind all the masks?

The answer is yes. At the core of it all is a logical person with choice. More choice than "normal" people have. We can choose to adapt, we can choose to be who we want to be. All choices are valid. If you choose to be the neurotic ex-wife, then that is what you will become and that is how people will treat you. If you choose to be apologetic and paint yourself as the aggressor then that is what you will become. If you choose to be the poor set upon autistic mum who can't work and is barely holding on, then that is how people will see you.

So rather than ask "who am I?". Ask yourself "who do I want to be?". Smart? Confident? Capable? What role model would you want your girls to have? What partner do you want to be? Once you have answered those questions, you can then set out on the long long path to assume these roles. Forget about your current mask, forget about how your family see you, focus entirely on who YOU want to become and work on it every day, for years if necessary.

 

[Tanyax]

Thank you Bella Pines. That was very true and very helpful. And no, I don’t want to be the poor set upon Mum anymore. And I know that I have to work very hard to achieve that. But as an absolute newby I have ended up having suffered some horrendous problems from literally not knowing for 41 years. I spent 2 years in bed with chronic depression so my girls had to see that and it’s not going to be easy to pick up where I left off. And I was a GREAT mum. I am coming out of my depression and am so grateful for that. My realisation of being an aspie rocked me but then set me free so now I need to deal with that and the many problems it left me with. I’m waiting right now for the doctors to call me so I can start to get the help I need for some of them. I’m anxious and just want to get the ball rolling for once in the right direction. Maybe then I can build on my confidence and they’ll pick up on it, but right now it’s one step at a time. That’s why you guys help me so much because you have knowledge and experience and are kind to me. I need more of that in my life right now and get better psychologically and mentally and also physically but I have hope now and a motivation to move forward in a positive way. Xx thank you

 

[Otis]

Yes don't let his attitude reflect how you feel about yourself! Sounds like he's got real issues of his own. Theirs nothing wrong with you either. I have only really started looking into it myself. I have just struggled along my whole life late diagnosed and yes I have a 4 year old. I am lucky my wife is very supporting in fact she suspected I was on the spec. Kids are always gunna push back. I only have a four old so can't really give to much on that. But i did see a youtube video on this aspergers scientist. Heres the link

. If it doesn't work her name is Michelle Vines. Its not relationship help but I found it to have great insight.She talks all about living with Aspergers. Has helped me alot Specially that i appear perfectly NT to people and thats sometimes why i think i struggle. Having aspergers has some massive positives memory which can be a curse also extreme focus, which in my life has enabled me to become very skilled in my passions. I know its not really on the money with your issues but understanding a bit more about yourself may help. The fact your crying out means you definitely want to be here and make sure you are! I'm sure your girls will want you too. A01501 I totally agree with.
I saw a pod cast recently with elon musk he's so obviously on the spectrum. Just an example of why society needs aspergers. In the vid Michelle talks a bout a fact based stat that in science and i think all progressional technologies medicine....Is owed to people on the spectrum. My point is and all i think I am addressing is feel good about being an aspie where some of the most amazing people.