Is your relationship like a 'business' agreement....?

[spaceman]

It constantly varies. Lots of Contradiction when trying to u dressing stuff. That's why it's taken Me until this year to know what's up with me.

So I can't tell you an answer I'm sorry. But what I can say is. If my mother, gf, brother etc was moaning about the day they had, or an issue that came up, and it took them a while to get to the end, or their banging more info, more names.. and he said she said... my head will go into turmoil.

Where as if the Conversation was more like: ah what can I do to relax? Got any tips I'm stressed, tough day today.

I'd probably run her a bath, cook something she likes, be calm. And do it like a pro, and maybe if she can put it to me without any confusion, she could say she needs a 'listening' ear cause her mam don't listen. And then I'll do that like a pro. Good luck

 

[spaceman]

Typo ^ ( trying to explain stuff.) Not dressing.

 

[ladybug]

It constantly varies. Lots of Contradiction when trying to u dressing stuff. That's why it's taken Me until this year to know what's up with me.

So I can't tell you an answer I'm sorry. But what I can say is. If my mother, gf, brother etc was moaning about the day they had, or an issue that came up, and it took them a while to get to the end, or their banging more info, more names.. and he said she said... my head will go into turmoil.

Where as if the Conversation was more like: ah what can I do to relax? Got any tips I'm stressed, tough day today.

I'd probably run her a bath, cook something she likes, be calm. And do it like a pro, and maybe if she can put it to me without any confusion, she could say she needs a 'listening' ear cause her mam don't listen. And then I'll do that like a pro. Good luck

That's a very good approach....!! I like the phrase 'listening ear' says exactly what I need..... great tip!!!

 

[spaceman]

Any time thanks

 

[ladybug]

Speaking for my self- I have a problem solving brain and trained as a designer.

However it seems to work by constantly trying out every conceivable possibility. This takes an immense amount of processing power doing so.

When I have a heart to heart with the SO (Significant Other) It starts trying to work out all the possibilities of what is going on. So she tells me that her boss is be a Jack Ass. Brain kicks off trying to work out why the boss is being Jack Ass.

Meanwhile SO is moving on to feelings and fall out of bosses' Jack Ass-ery and pouring out what a terrible day it was. Brain is now multitasking all these other problems and possibilities. With an overload of information the brain starts to slow down and outward responses get shut down. So trying to process what maybe an emotional equivalent of an info-dump just gets too much. So more automatic scripts kick in (including the one that it is probably best to make affirmative sounds and not provide solutions at this point).

Some aspies are trained in social stories Social stories and comic strips - NAS and using things like emoticon charts so they can indicate emotional states. These are visual queues that can either give warning of an invisible inner emotional state or visually work through what is going on using stickmen cartoons- (sometimes they are done in reverse starting with I feeling very sad right now. I had a bad day. It started with my boss being a Jack Ass and that upset me). Sometimes it is easier to process these things visually rather than verbally/ through body language.

In my case there is inner feelings but it is hard to express sympathy in the right way or quickly enough to give suitable feed back to the SO.

Thanks for your thoughts.... I suppose I'm looking for him to be 'on my side'.... I don't always need him to provide a solution... sometimes I need that intuitive response- that he has my back.... no matter what....
But his thought process is VERY black and white..... logical..... and
Measured... I get that's not who he is .... but sometimes that's what I'd like to hear....

 

[The Midge]

That's very interesting... I've often had to remind my other that we are 'still' discussing the topic..... when he appears to have mentally wandered off.....
This leads to frustration and the thought that I'm not being listened to...
Tonight, himself has decided to go on a trip with his brother- to India - during my next court appointment.....!! Total oblivion....!!! It's hard not to feel a bit irrelevant....,

Just be aware that for an Autie this is a hardware issue. It can't be simply reprogrammed. Try a different way of communicating with him to get the message across/ heard.

 

[savi83]

I have been with my girlfriend now for nine years. I feel that the relationship has been progressing without me, we now own a house and she has been saying how nice it would be to get married when we've been together for ten. She has mentioned children and getting a dog.

Don't get me wrong I do care about her and I am happy, but I feel that I am coasting and that I haven't really been involved in the relationship getting this far.

 

[ladybug]

I have been with my girlfriend now for nine years. I feel that the relationship has been progressing without me, we now own a house and she has been saying how nice it would be to get married when we've been together for ten. She has mentioned children and getting a dog.

Don't get me wrong I do care about her and I am happy, but I feel that I am coasting and that I haven't really been involved in the relationship getting this far.

Do you feel that you've 'gone along' with the plans that your gf has made...?
Do you make plans for the two of you...?
Or is it her that sorts it... e.g. House/ possible marriage etc...?

 

[savi83]

Do you feel that you've 'gone along' with the plans that your gf has made...? YES
Do you make plans for the two of you...? YES, but tend to stick to smaller less complicated plans
Or is it her that sorts it... e.g. House/ possible marriage etc...? YES

I do feel that I have gone along with a lot of the plans that she has made with the house, holidays, etc. but they are also things that I could never see myself doing without her. I like the idea of owning a home and going on holiday, etc but they have far too many working parts that I would get overloaded.

My girlfriend manages all the bigger things and I tend to organise the smaller things such as the activities that we do together such as going out to the cinema, meals, etc.

 

[ladybug]

I do feel that I have gone along with a lot of the plans that she has made with the house, holidays, etc. but they are also things that I could never see myself doing without her. I like the idea of owning a home and going on holiday, etc but they have far too many working parts that I would get overloaded.

My girlfriend manages all the bigger things and I tend to organise the smaller things such as the activities that we do together such as going out to the cinema, meals, etc.

Ok I'm going to ask you a huge question... and please just say if it's too personal or too intrusive ....
Is it the fact that 'she' organises you (both), and you feel that you couldn't do these things without someone 'driving' your life
Or the fact that she's the 'one' that you want to be with and she just so happens to be the organiser for you both...?
And please don't feel you have to answe me if it's too rude a question.....

 

[savi83]

Ok I'm going to ask you a huge question... and please just say if it's too personal or too intrusive ....
Is it the fact that 'she' organises you (both), and you feel that you couldn't do these things without someone 'driving' your life
Or the fact that she's the 'one' that you want to be with and she just so happens to be the organiser for you both...?
And please don't feel you have to answe me if it's too rude a question.....

I do not believe in the idea of "the one"; that out of the billions of people on this planet that two are destined to be together forever.

However, we do care for and understand each other. Which is a surprise to me because after all these years there only seems to be a real small number of people that actually understands me (and isn't related to me).