Issues with another student at college

[GypsyMoth]

I talked about it with my mentor. He said i was going to be placed in a diffirent group and they are going to talk with the student so he will leave me alone in general.

That was a good solution.

 

[Jordy]

Not backward- just practical. You'll find those AHs everywhere you go- or work for.

Sad but true. Another lesson about real life conditions in the so-called adult world.

That assholes exist in real life conditions and you need to deal with them is a given. Blaming their targets for "not integrating well into a group setting" is still backwards.

 

[Judge]

That assholes exist in real life conditions and you need to deal with them is a given. Blaming their targets for "not integrating well into a group setting" is still backwards.

Doesn't matter what you call it. It's not about blame, but objectively assessing people for whether or not they can work with others. Especially under adverse circumstances. In a class exercise it may seem harsh, but in the real world for some it may be "business as usual". Sad...but again true.

The point is that such conditions exist- particularly in a competitive workforce. Often involving conditions you may find that will be beyond your control. You don't have to like it, but it's to your benefit to know it exists so you'll be better prepared to deal with it if and when it happens.

Once you're beyond college, you may find interacting with others is very different- and often unforgiving in comparison.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

That assholes exist in real life conditions and you need to deal with them is a given. Blaming their targets for "not integrating well into a group setting" is still backwards.

Sadly that is what happens, not the blame part but the "This person doesnt integrate well" part.

Part of modern Human resources practices is to try keep AH at bay, but for some possitions they are almost granted.

And learning the tricks to deal with them is a must have to get a boss job in the future. So It may be worth to learn.

Like victims of abuse can ask help to police and also learn self defense. Its ok to ask for help and its also ok to learn how to deal with the problem by yourself (as much as you can).

 

[Owliet]

There is a person in one of the group projects i have to work that has been, lets call it toxic, to me. Should I personally confront this person or make a formal complaint about this person?

It’s difficult to give advice for this when a lot of the context is missing. However, ive worked in a few difficult groups during university and yeah....ridiculous and awkward, AND stressful and upsetting depending on the situation.

1) my first group I worked with, I am pretty sure that I was the problem because I didn’t communicate well with them and often preferred to listen, get my orders and do the work separately. However, after explaining this to them, they were actually quite understanding and the situation changed after that.we also passed with good grades.

2) my second group I worked with was much better but two people didn’t show up for the group work except on the last day, we ended up just emailing the professor to let him know for him to deal with it. The two people didn’t pass that project.

3) my final project was the most challenging. i was going through some difficult family stuff at the time and my partner didn’t do anything and would often ignore my messages or emails related to the project. it got to the point that I ended up having to email my professor to let him know what was happening, and whilst the solution was to have a meeting to talk about the possible solutions, it didn’t work and I still had to completely do the work myself. I just became Sick with flu during the week of the presentation and the partner had to present , which didn’t go well there because it was evident that they had done zero.

So, I get it. If it’s difficult to talk directly to your group member, create a paper trail of emails to your professor who has assigned this to you so they know what’s happening. I can’t promise anything will work out, and unfortunately you may have to chalk it up to a learning experience.

group work is always difficult.

 

[Owliet]

I talked about it with my mentor. He said i was going to be placed in a diffirent group and they are going to talk with the student so he will leave me alone in general.

And just saw you posted this whilst I had the window open whilst typing but had to step away to do something else that took some time. That’s good!

 

[Aspychata]

That assholes exist in real life conditions and you need to deal with them is a given. Blaming their targets for "not integrating well into a group setting" is still backwards.

The one thing is the minute you complain about this stuff, you are labeled troublemaker. So l have learned to pick my battles wisely.

 

[Hypnalis]

The one thing is the minute you complain about this stuff, you are labeled troublemaker. So l have learned to pick my battles wisely.

This is definitely a risk, but often it's a manageable risk. However it is necessary to learn some communication techniques.

OP's topic is resolved, so I'll use a slightly different example: the reason "No is a complete sentence" has become a popular saying.

Here's a fairly common sequence:
1. Person A: Please do X for me
2. Person B: I'm sorry: I have something else to do at the time
3. Person A (overstepping): What do you have to do? Can you reschedule it?
4. Person B (unwisely telling the whole truth): I plan to do Y. I suppose I could defer it
--Person A then starts a "DARVO-style" cycle, trying to "prove" that any civilized person would set aside their own objectives so help them with X.

The correct technique is never to provide information about your alternate activity, regardless of whether it's something vitally important, or just sitting at home watching cartoons with your cat. This is a situation where psycho-style "trickle-truth" works for the good guys

(2) should be something like "Sorry, that doesn't work for me". (Not even "I'm busy").
If pushed by A, B says it's personal or private or something similar that definitely closes out any pseudo-polite questioning like (3).
Now B has the "moral high ground" - i.e. if A continues, B has the right to criticize A. And they will have prepared a response: for example, just repeating "it's private" with a little more emphasis (private) has a good chance of shutting down anyone but an actual psycho.

You can also go with things like "No means no", or "No is a complete sentence", but those two are more likely to lead to an escalation.

 

[GypsyMoth]

This is definitely a risk, but often it's a manageable risk. However it is necessary to learn some communication techniques.

OP's topic is resolved, so I'll use a slightly different example: the reason "No is a complete sentence" has become a popular saying.

Here's a fairly common sequence:
1. Person A: Please do X for me
2. Person B: I'm sorry: I have something else to do at the time
3. Person A (overstepping): What do you have to do? Can you reschedule it?
4. Person B (unwisely telling the whole truth): I plan to do Y. I suppose I could defer it
--Person A then starts a "DARVO-style" cycle, trying to "prove" that any civilized person would set aside their own objectives so help them with X.

The correct technique is never to provide information about your alternate activity, regardless of whether it's something vitally important, or just sitting at home watching cartoons with your cat. This is a situation where psycho-style "trickle-truth" works for the good guys

(2) should be something like "Sorry, that doesn't work for me". (Not even "I'm busy").
If pushed by A, B says it's personal or private or something similar that definitely closes out any pseudo-polite questioning like (3).
Now B has the "moral high ground" - i.e. if A continues, B has the right to criticize A. And they will have prepared a response: for example, just repeating "it's private" with a little more emphasis (private) has a good chance of shutting down anyone but an actual psycho.

You can also go with things like "No means no", or "No is a complete sentence", but those two are more likely to lead to an escalation.

Agreed. Went through a season being person B. Much like you've proposed, my hubby--who has great communication skills--helped me put in a feedback loop at 2. Anytime person A gets to 3, I just repeat 2. The key is (depending on the aggressiveness of person A), it's got to both acknowledge the person's request and refuse the request:

"I understand what you're saying, my answer stands."

Of course, you can repeat the answer given in 2, but why? Keep it short & sweet or person A can still wind up at 5.

 

[The Lorax]

A toxic person is someone that has something wrong in their life. Usually having to do with bad upbringing. Real psychopaths make you feel loved as they manipulate and exploit you. A toxic person is more like a sociopath.

The way I interpret the two is that psychopathy is genetic and sociopathy is environmental. You can be both.

Maybe I am a but old school but on very rare occasions a toxic person just needs his ass beat to make them wake up. Think of it as a last resort like amputating your arm due to gangrene because nothing else has worked to treat the infection.

Not saying this is the case in this post.