It feels like my family hates me/I don't understand

[Julie Gross]

I’m sad because it feels like my family hates me they always talk about me behind my back and they aren’t very nice to me to my face. Like things they say and they don’t understand me and they judge me. I don’t know what I did or what I am doing to make this happen. But it’s hard for me because at times it feels like I go nonverbal and that’s why I don’t talk much. I thought they pick on me because I’m autistic and they don’t understand me. But I don’t know. I don’t understand them either.

Also my family acts like I will end up like my aunt. I don’t know what my life is going to be like in the future and they don’t do I don’t know what they say that. My grandmother said that I look like my aunt over and over and I don’t know why she keeps saying that it seems like there is something else going on that I am missing. She died alone by the way and I don’t know what that has to with me and why they say that I am like her but it made me sad and it made me feel like they are picking on me and I wish they left me alone about it because I heard what they say about me and I heard that from them on several occasions but I never I stood why and then when I visit my grandparents they said it to my face and my uncle said that it wasn’t very nice and it feels like my family is all against me on something that I don’t understand what it is and that’s why I don’t talk to them. But I was invited to visit my grandparents because they are getting older and maybe it’s my own insecurities too that I need to work on and I try to every day. I feel left out and I feel like I am not related to them so I don’t know why it bothers me to much. It just hurts that they are mean to me. I am feeling very confused also. I can’t make up my mind either.

I feel alone when I am with my family. I don’t like them for treating me the way they do. It feels like I am abused at times too. I feel abused because my mom yells at me and treats me differently then my sisters like she treats them better than me. Like whenever I talk they don’t seem interested in what I have to say. It feels like I don’t matter anymore and that’s fine with me. I don’t care. I feel like they bother me so much.

I feel like families suck. I am never mean but they accuse me of being mean and they blame me for things. I feel like I am the scapegoat at times too. I hate when I gave them the answer they still ask me and it feels like I am invisible.

I need a counselor to talk to for free but I don’t know where to find one. I need someone to help me with my autism and my family problems. Can anyone help me? Thanks. I don’t know who to talk to about this. I don’t have anybody to talk to.

 

[Autistamatic]

Julie - I don't think your family hate you, but maybe, like mine, they just don't know how to love you properly. I can't tell you how to fix it - I gave up on mine years ago. They never "got me" and tried to tell me how to lead my life until the end. I know that they loved me in their own way, even if they never loved me in a way that would have made me feel included.

 

[Pats]

I agree with Autistamatic, that your family probably doesn't hate you, but don't know how to love you. They don't seem to understand you, which is difficult for them to deal with. You said your aunt died alone and they may be afraid the same thing could happen with you. Your aunt may have been happy alone, as many of us are. Is looking like your aunt a bad thing? Your grandmother may see facial features that looked like hers as she was growing up or when she was your age.

Families can be the most difficult to deal with and the most difficult to understand. Partly because they seen you as you were growing up and that's how they will always see you - and visa versa. It's nearly impossible for family to learn who you have become as an adult because they can't see past. well. the past.

Families also tend to talk about each other behind their backs. You need to learn to not let it bother you. It took me a long time, but I finally accept that I probably get talked about and I don't care. Whatever my relationship is with each member of my family is whatever it is and it's not going to change - so if they feel the need to talk about it, I'm fine with it.

I hope you find someone to talk to. There are always crisis control numbers to call. I don't know if they can lead you to a free counselor. It also depends on where you live, I guess.

 

[RosaViolet]

Hi Julie. I am sorry I don't have specific experience to draw on with unsupportive families. I was diagnosed later in life, my family was always supportive of me.

I'll tell you a story. When I was about 12, I was in tears in front of my mother. I was asking her, mum, why is this happening to me? Why don't I have friends? Why nobody likes me? Why am I always bullied? She was silent and didn't give me any satisfactory answer. I was very disappointed and from this moment a little uneasy, it broken something in my relationship with my mother. In spite of the fact that I loved her and she loved me, I had no doubt that she loved me, she never criticised me for my failings and I knew she was on my side. We were a happy, secure family, but that moment when she didn't answer to my distress didn't fit.

Years later, weeks before her death she told me that she remembered this moment very well. She told me that she was silent because she was petrified and ashamed, she felt so inadequate, she felt she failed as the mother to protect me and make me happy, she didn't know how to help me, so she stood there frozen looking at my distress and felt guilt for this for the rest of her life... She didn't know about autism and wouldn't know what to do anyway. We managed to talk about this just a few last days of her life. Such a waste.

Talk to people who love you.

This being said, I have very little patience with extended family members on my husband side when they were not fully supportive of my autistic daughter. I sort of expect people to take side about autism, they are with me or ...not, and I cut communication with them. I don't take any ableism to my children from family members. I heard of many autistic people estranged from their unsupportive families. It is sad, but it seems it was the right decision for those people, best thing for them.

 

[Fino]

If you have health insurance, they typically have a number you call for "mental health services" that can refer you to nearby options.

 

[tducey]

Sorry to hear this. Again my family has been mostly supportive of me. I'm sure your family doesn't hate you. Maybe have a chat with them and explain your concerns to them.

 

[stewdog80]

Your parents love you. I am willing to bet anything that they love you more than life itself. They just don't understand autism. Neither do my parents. I didn't understand it myself until about a year ago, so I don't judge them too harshly. On the topic of family or people in general talking behind your back, that is just gonna happen.Get used to it. It is gonna sting, and, I would be lying if I said I don't feel emotional pain every day because of it. It doesn't make sense to an autie brain. There is no logic in slandering someone to get acceptance or praise from others. In the NT world, this happens all the time. It is like flicking on a light switch, second nature to them. I am starting to think the insults are meaningless anyway, even though they sound mean, it is almost like small talk. Almost like discussing the weather to an NT person. They don't actually mean any disrespect.

 

[John M]

It's not just families, NTs in general like to talk, especially about people they know. My perception is that this is used as a kind of social radar, 'Is my impression of this person the same as everyone's?' It can also be used as a way of reinforcing group identity, 'My impression of this person is the same as the groups so I'm safe.'

If it's specifically family doing the talking however then there are sometimes unspoken considerations, 'If this family member lives alone then they won't have any children which is bad for the family.' A family may also perceive a family member who is alone as vulnerable and be concerned for their welfare. Aspies are frequently seen as childlike which may amplify a families level of concern depending on the families tendencies.

 

[Mary Lyn]

No-one can say that Julie's family do not hate her - or are abusing her, when we do not know the situation. Whole families can be abusive and have personality disorders. Also if there is even one PD person they can conduct a smear campaign and turn the whole tribe against the target.

It sounds like you need to start making plans to become independent from them and that will no doubt take some time. I am not entirely sure but the womens refuge might take in someone who is in an abusive family situation - you will have to check. They will also be the means of finding counselling.

In the meantime, you can get help and support online from psychologists who give free advice to people who have been abused and write articles about parenting our inner child.

Having support here will count for a lot as many of us have been through it.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I'm making some guesses with incomplete information ... take it with a grain of salt.

It looks like your family doesn't understand how to connect with you and you don't understand how to connect with them. I went through this in my teen years and have had to work hard to try to establish family connections that work for both of us. NTs might be better at it, but its all trial and error. I recently took some serious missteps in some family relationships and now have to work a little harder to patch things up. It helps to know that no one is going to be perfect at relationships all the time.

From what you wrote, I don't know if your family is trying to connect with you or not. It could be that they lack the tools and understanding to try something different than the usual NT approach.

What I do know is that you can't change other people - you can only change yourself. You can try changing your reaction to their actions. If you like some activity or some particular interaction, tell them very directly that you like it, and perhaps ask to do it again. If you are confused by something, tell them directly. Where you can't negotiate all the subtle aspects of normal socializing, direct communication is going to be your best tool.

 

[John M]

I agree with chocoholic that independance may be the key. My personal experience is that until I get away from the situation and everyone else's emotions and expectations it's hard to know my own mind.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Too the OP sounds just like my family. The worst is when I need to talk to them about something serious or what is happening in my life they purposely change the subject or bring up an old grudge from years ago that is not even relevant to the conversation.

This is why I get out of the house and now attend a Church/groups there.

 

[Jojo_LB]

I’m sad because it feels like my family hates me they always talk about me behind my back and they aren’t very nice to me to my face. Like things they say and they don’t understand me and they judge me. I don’t know what I did or what I am doing to make this happen. But it’s hard for me because at times it feels like I go nonverbal and that’s why I don’t talk much. I thought they pick on me because I’m autistic and they don’t understand me. But I don’t know. I don’t understand them either.

Also my family acts like I will end up like my aunt. I don’t know what my life is going to be like in the future and they don’t do I don’t know what they say that. My grandmother said that I look like my aunt over and over and I don’t know why she keeps saying that it seems like there is something else going on that I am missing. She died alone by the way and I don’t know what that has to with me and why they say that I am like her but it made me sad and it made me feel like they are picking on me and I wish they left me alone about it because I heard what they say about me and I heard that from them on several occasions but I never I stood why and then when I visit my grandparents they said it to my face and my uncle said that it wasn’t very nice and it feels like my family is all against me on something that I don’t understand what it is and that’s why I don’t talk to them. But I was invited to visit my grandparents because they are getting older and maybe it’s my own insecurities too that I need to work on and I try to every day. I feel left out and I feel like I am not related to them so I don’t know why it bothers me to much. It just hurts that they are mean to me. I am feeling very confused also. I can’t make up my mind either.

I feel alone when I am with my family. I don’t like them for treating me the way they do. It feels like I am abused at times too. I feel abused because my mom yells at me and treats me differently then my sisters like she treats them better than me. Like whenever I talk they don’t seem interested in what I have to say. It feels like I don’t matter anymore and that’s fine with me. I don’t care. I feel like they bother me so much.

I feel like families suck. I am never mean but they accuse me of being mean and they blame me for things. I feel like I am the scapegoat at times too. I hate when I gave them the answer they still ask me and it feels like I am invisible.

I need a counselor to talk to for free but I don’t know where to find one. I need someone to help me with my autism and my family problems. Can anyone help me? Thanks. I don’t know who to talk to about this. I don’t have anybody to talk to.

Umm.... are you me, by the way??

It's so bizarre that everything you said here totally resonates with me.

I am the black sheep of my family. I have two sisters. I am the middle child. I always thought everyone didn't like me.

I felt like they always talked about me behind my back.

I recently wrote something in the Ranting Room section of the forum about how sucky my family is, especially my sisters, who made me feel like a villain. Along with my mother.

My mother is trying to make amends with me. I am trying because she is close to my daughter, and also I need some info from her about my childhood, which I'm gathering because I might go and get my official diagnosis soon.

Oh, and they also compare me to my aunt.

My father's sister. She is the one everyone "dislikes" or finds the most difficult.

They keep saying, "You're just like your aunt." *sigh*

I am not like her. She is abusive towards her children. I am not. But whatever.

Anyway, I have no real advice for you because I don't have any sort of relationship with my sisters. As I said, my mother is trying to make amends. My father and I are not close (he is undiagnosed with ADHD and he most likely is autistic too), but he didn't victimize me the way my mother and sisters did.

I just want to say I know just what you are going through. Take care of yourself. You are your priority.

If you feel you cannot handle being around them much, then try your best to put a barrier between you and them (physical and/or emotional).

When they were getting too much for me, I quickly excused myself. I shut myself away from them, put some headphones on, immersed myself in some calming activities.

I did what I could to not engage in arguments with them, but sometimes, they were in unrelenting attack mode which led to epic melt downs (screaming in their faces, slamming doors, hurling objects, overturning furniture) which is why it really important to try to get away from them if they keep making you feel bad. Temporary solutions - take a long walk in a quiet and nice part of your neighborhood maybe, when they are getting to you. If you have a creative outlet, that can help.

It is very hard to do this. But explore some options. If you always feel bad around them, then it's harmful for you to continue being in the same environment for very long.

And if you just need someone to talk to, feel free to message me anytime.

I had nobody. Seriously. I still don't have anyone. I have this forum, and two other small support groups on FB that are very heavily moderated to be total safe spaces. I have a husband who is ND but not autistic, a daughter who might be autistic but not so sure, and three neurotypical friends. So no one in my life can understand what I am going through.

 

[Julie Gross]

Ok, I have something going on with me that I need major help with. I need to talk to someone about my family.

My mom, dad, and my two twin sisters are acting strange and also every time I am around them they seem mean to me and nice to my sisters. When I am not around they talk about me behind my back and now they judge how I talk like for example I say things backward, my words come out of order and they judge me for it. They take it out of context. Also, I feel they don't like me and it shows VERY clearly by their body language and it seems like they are giving me dirty looks or something and it feels like I get yelled at more often and I never have before and I don't know what is going on and I don't know why and I feel like they don't accept me either.

My family doesn't get that I am autistic. Another example of me talking out of order is me saying "Sit on my phone" and my uncle judged me right off and he judged me right away. I can't help it.

Now, most of my family think I don't eat and I don't know why they think this. I have a limited diet due to being allergic to dairy, gluten, and eggs and they don't get that. I have to tell them over and over. It is very frustrating. I didn't know why they didn't get it and how is it that hard to understand. Plus, I am also a picky eater too. They keep bothering me about eating a lot and it pissed me off because I told them the answer and they didn't get it. They just kept asking me. I eat but I can't eat around people. Plus if I don't eat with them they get upset and I hate them for it because it's so annoying. I am not there to please them.

I know they hate me because they treat me different than my sisters and It feels like they don't like me anymore. I never felt this way. I know I changed. But they need to get over it. My family doesn't respect my boundaries either. My issue is that too many people dislike me and I can't understand why. I get bullied a lot and people are mean to me and it's all very confusing. I get confused a lot and can't make up my mind and I don't understand what people are saying anymore. I don't know if I got stupid or my autism got worse.

My sisters push me into meltdowns. And they treat me like my mother and father do. Filled with hate. My mom pushed me into meltdowns too. I have to go to my room and hide from them a lot. I am afraid of them because they are showing their hate too much and maybe they did before and I never paid attention. I don't know it's all very confusing like I keep saying.

This all started when I lived in Denver in an apartment and never called them or talk to them. The only time I talked to them was via text or when they came and spoke to me. I did it for about two years. Then I had to move back in their place because I didn't have a job for a while and couldn't find one and they were helping me out with rent a little bit. It has been hard for me to get independent from them. They let me back in their house but they aren't nice and I want to move in with a friend but it is too hard to make friends at the same time. I had a job but it was hard to save up for a new place and I need too but I don't know how much longer I can stay at home or how much longer they will let me.

Things are getting scary for me and I don't know what to do. I needed the money for some many other things lately. I will try and look for resources and I want to find someone to talk to for free.

Lastly, feel like my family is judging me for what I have done and it makes me sad and uncomfortable plus I have been depressed lately. I have been angry and even filled with rage. I am a person who likes to rant so that's why I go on and on like this. Also, I talk to people who don't understand autism and it has been hard. I never had that before. Also, my mom expects me to be a person she wants and I don't know why. It makes me sad. She wants me to stop with my quirks and twitches and stims and I hate her for it because she doesn't understand. Also, she wants me to get married and I don't want to and I like being alone and I hate how my family bugs me about not being married.

I know I have been focusing on the negative but my family has done some great things too and they have helped me a lot and I do appreciate it but I can't get over the fact their dark side shows a lot more then it used to.

I tried to be specific. I don't know any other details to give you but I hope someone can help me with what I got. I am really afraid of my family. I cannot talk about how I feel with them. Last time I did they shut down and they took as me criticizing them when I wasn't. Well, that's what I felt.

People do a lot of complaining about me and I am confused by that too not just my family and I don't like people as much because I get negative experiences and not positive experiences from people.

 

[Fino]

It really hurts my head to look at! I'll definitely read it if you split it up into paragraphs. Are you able to read this??

Thank you!

 

[SusanLR]

I read it and it sounds like the typical human mentality towards those who are neurodiverse.
Maybe some of your traits have become more pronounced. I don't know.

Did they start acting this way after you were diagnosed?
If so, it could be their reaction to it. People have certain formed opinions and expectations from
someone on the spectrum. Certain conditions seem to draw empathy and the want to help,
others still have a stigma to them and people will put you down.

IF you sincerely feel afraid or threatened, find a social worker as a start and tell them how you feel.
They will help find you the help you need to be independent or if you need some personal help.
You just have to start looking for the organizations and health departments to meet your needs.

There are disabilities rights organizations, DCF, and local mental health associations. All there for free
help. Hope things fall into place for you and get better.

 

[All-Rounder]

It seems to me you have a lot of stress and fear and that gets in the way of you being able to communicate and re-insist on the fact that you are wired differently and you will never be able to be normal as they expect you to be. I think it might help you to keep repeating this every time you are criticized for not fulfilling expectations and being different and difficult to them. There's little way they will truly imagine or know what its like to be autistic and to be you but I hope they will just be more aware that youre functioning differently than they are.

My boyfriend is on the spectrum and him repeating that to me and calm repeated communication from him really helped me make it last in my mind and trust him, but also reading about it from good sources. The wrong type of information can do so much damage.

I believe having a family requires so much more work and energy, you have to probably talk to each person one on one to try to get them to understand where you are. To say you have Asperger’s may have no meaning to them if they don't understand what you as a person are like because on the spectrum there can be two people with total different traits that categorize them into the spectrum, as well as you are a different person with different needs and weaknesses.

Is it possible they want you to marry so that you will move out and be taken care of because they can't deal with you and they are growing old? I often hear of aspies having difficulty of living with anyone no matter how good they are at not standing in their way or causing discomfort, they are better off having their own personal space and meeting up with people afterwards.

That option is not possible for you right noe, probably currently you moved back out of necessity. So maybe you can avoid them more, go out on walks with food and water and stay a while, and when you cant then you maybe can try to reinforce the fact that you are wired differently but try not to use it as an excuse for what you can do and ask for accomodations [eg. to be alone when doing a task that they ask you to and stress how important it is for you, eg. because you have sensory issues or can't handle being talked to when you are working]. Some of these I have used with mother, and they helped make my living easier.

 

[H-Kath]

It might be a good idea to go ahead with the social worker. That's an awful position to be in. I don't know what resources are available in your area, but they may be able to direct you toward affordable housing and cash assistance for getting into the new place.

 

[Autistamatic]

Your story @Julie Gross sums up why the struggle to bring about acceptance of neurodiversity is SO important.

 

[Sarah S]

="Julie Gross, post: 615233, member: 20793"]Ok, I have something going on with me that I need major help with.

I need to talk to someone about my family and like my mom and dad and my sister and how they are acting strange and also every time I am around them they talk about me behind my back and my family now judges how I talk like I say things backward as it comes out of order and they judge me for it.

To me it sounds like they have chosen NOT to accept the fact that you have this diagnose

They take it out of context. Also, I feel they don't like me and it shows because it seems like they are giving me dirty looks or something and it feels like I get yelled at more often and I never have before and I don't know what is going on and I don't know why and I feel like they don't accept me either.

It could also be that due to said diagnose that you misinterprets things & OF COURSE it may also be as you say

Also, my family doesn't get that I am autistic.

" Thats pretty obvious yes as well as sad "

Like I said sit on my phone and my uncle judged me for my mistake right away and I can't help it and they think I don't eat and I don't know why they think this.

" Perhaps he was only frustrated and reacted out of this (phones (i presume smartphones arent cheep ). Again they may be actually worried as well as frustrated due to it and sadly respond this way "

I have a limited diet due to being allergic to dairy, gluten, and eggs and they don't get that and I didn't know why they didn't how is it that hard to understand.

" I presume you have a doctors signed note of this so have you tried to show them this ? "

Plus I am also a picky eater too.

" As am i actually ( more based on my own ever growing list of food and drink my digestive system cant handle tho (NO im not intolerant ) "

They keep bothering me about eating a lot and it pissed me off because I told them the answer and they didn't get it. They just kept asking me.

" Again i believe they are concerned "

I eat but I can't eat around people.

" Fare enough have you tried to explain this to them ? "

Plus if I don't eat with them they get upset and I hate them for it because it's annoying.

" Again clacick case of MISCOMMUNICATION "

I am not there to please them.

"I agree "

They hate me because they treat me different than my sisters and It feels like they don't like me anymore.

" I HIGHLY dought they hate you its more that they cant understand you i would say does the miscommunication and misunderstanding "

I never felt this way. I know I changed. But they need to get over it.

" What you have to try to understand that they might also need some help to understand you and how you changed "

My family doesn't respect my boundaries either.

" again what i believe and how it looks to me is that they are as lost as you are in all this "

My issue is that too many people dislike me and I can't understand why and I get confused a lot and can't make up my mind and I don't understand what people are saying anymore.

" Are you that shore they actually hate you ? Or do you think that as i said before they dont understand you ? I can understand youre frustration but sadly its part of this diagnosis and yes in some cases things get worse when older (same in my case ) "

I don't know if I got stupid or my autism got worse.

" NO you havent gotten stupider , BUT as i said to some of us it gets worse as we age sadly "

My sisters push me into meltdowns. And they treat me like my mother and father do. Filled with hate.

" Siblings can be really tough against eatchoder sadly. "

My mom pushed me into meltdowns too. I have to go to my room and hide from them a lot.

" Thats NOT a durable situation"

I am afraid of them because they are showing their hate to much and maybe they did before and I never paid attention.

" Thats even worse "

I don't know it's all very confusing.

" I can defenetly understand "

It started when I lived in Denver in an apartment and never called them or talk to them.

" Okey "

The only time I talked to them was via text or when they came and spoke to me.

I did it for about two years. Then I had to move back in their place because I didn't have a job for a while and couldn't find one and they were helping me out with rent a little bit.

I believe again they have misinterpret youre actions and does misunderstood it as you dont care about them and only use them when needed "

It has been hard for me to get independent from them.

" I understand "

They let me back in their house but they aren't nice and I want to move in with a friend but it is too hard to make friends at the same time.

thats defenetly a dilemma

I had a job but it was hard to save up for a new place and I need too but I don't know how much longer I can stay at home or how much longer they will let me.

Things are getting scary for me and I don't know what to do.

To me it it sounds you should try to as H Kath suggest there has to be some cind of help you can get with all this

I needed the money for some many other things lately.

Sadly sometimes we are forced to prioritize (i have to to this ALL the time )

I will try and look for resources and I want to find someone to talk to for free.

I think this would be the best solution

Lastly, feel like my family is judging me for what I have done and it makes me sad and uncomfortable plus I am depressed lately.

I can understand this BUT what you have to try to do is to ACCEPT youre diagnose and NOT blaming youre self (non of us have chosen to be born with this diagnosis BUT neither should anyone of us have to feel ashamed of them)

I have been angry and even filled with rage.

Compleatly understandable

I am a person who likes to rant so that's why I go on and on like this.

Rant away thats why were here to listen (read ) & help & support

Also, I talk to people who don't understand autism and it has been hard.

Sadly this is the fait of so many of us im afraid

I never had that before.

Also, my mom expects me to be a person she wants and I don't know why.

It makes me sad. She wants me to stop with my quirks and twitches and stims and I hate her for it because she doesn't understand.

Somehow its obvious that she have chosen NOT to acept youre diagnose & does cant or dont want to understand you

Also, she wants me to get married and I don't want to and I like being alone and I hate how my family bugs me about not being married.

Thats COMPLEATLY up to you and i wouldn't let her nagging bother you

I know I have been focusing on the negative but my family has done some great things too and they have helped me a lot and I do appreciate it but I can't get over the fact their dark side shows a lot more then it used to.

Its probely NOT that they hate you but more that they cant fore the life of them understand you and youre diagnose & does this miscommunications occur

I tried to be specific. I don't know any other details to give you but I hope someone can help me with what I got. I am really afraid of my family. I cannot talk about how I feel with them.

Last time I did they shut down and they took as me criticizing them when I wasn't.

Its obvious that they dont wont or are able to acept the fact of youre diagnose so the best thing for you would be to get help to get youre own place