It feels like my family hates me/I don't understand

[Fridgemagnetman]

It's a hard thing to understand from the inside.

Even harder from the outside.

It's understandable to want people to understand - but that can often be a trap.

In the wider world falling into that position can victimise yourself - as most people won't care.

Think of it as one step towards defining yourself without needing other people to understand.

Learning about your own boundaries and how to protect them may help.

Also, if you change the way you act in some circumstances you may change the outcome.

I keep notes in an app.

That way you build up an objective process you can refer back to, that takes you away from being lost in emotion - which can lead to repeating events again and again.

 

[shysnail]

It sounds like you're having a really tough time, and it's particularly rough since it sounds like you're stuck being around your family for the time being. Having a plan and making active steps to find your independence again (I know how hard this can be) will probably help you feel more in control.

In the meantime, what I got a lot of from your post is what I guess you could call "mind reading". You talk a lot about how you KNOW people feel a particular way towards you, like they hate you. Sometimes we assume we know how someone feels, but we could actually be way off. Often times, people's feelings are much more complicated than one single emotion. What I would say about this is try to extract what you are guessing people are feeling from the facts. In no way does it excuse them treating you badly, but try not to assume you know what they're thinking. It's easy to be way off and end up misinterpreting.

In terms of why they're acting badly towards you, I can only speculate from the outside, but as others have said, I think an autism diagnosis can scare family. They see it as a bad word and they don't want someone they care about to be autistic, and maybe some of the policing of your behaviour is that. They think by getting angry when you behave autistically, they're helping you seem normal and then perhaps have an easier time in life, passing as neurotypical.

Hoping things will get better for you soon!

 

[Peter Morrison]

I worry about your state of mind in this environment. You clearly see the abuse, but you seem to be accepting it. You need to defend yourself and you need to find your strength, otherwise this place will harm you in more ways than one. "caustic" and "toxic" are the two words that come to mind.

If your siblings are insulting you, toss a few well-chosen insults back at them. Don't be afraid of the "cheap shot". Insults are designed to be painful, and if the insult happens to be true, it stings.

Get out of the house when you can. Start taking scheduled walks or go for bike rides. The objective is to be away from them for a while to give you personal time without abuse. Exercise is good for the sake of exercise. It can clear your head.

If you are always preoccupied with negative thoughts, limit those thoughts to no more than 1 hour per day. It takes time to train yourself to limit time on a problem, but you can do it if you find an alternative topic to occupy your brain whenever you catch yourself going over a one hour limit on negativity. This means being aware of time devoted to negativity. Walk away from the negativity if it is being imposed on you. Don't let things reach the point of meltdown.

You can't stop people talking about you, so distance yourself from their opinions, especially if they are worthless comments.

Start organizing your days with productive activities; job hunting, self-care, peaceful hobby, and an escape plan. Time flies when you are busy, so keep yourself productively busy. That includes scheduled rest and relaxation. Keep your mind on positives.

It saddens me that in a household of family members, there is nobody who can emotionally support you. If support doesn't exist, don't wait for it to show up. Give your attention and energy to yourself. I've read a lot of posts here about dealing with messy family issues, and the approaches to survival have always involved disassociation from the negative and reinforcement of inner strength. The inner strength must be found and nurtured. We all have our inner strength, but it is useless to us if it is untapped. I think you need it now. Roll out a structure for a wellness campaign and don't let anyone deter you.

 

[Fino]

What was the relationship like as you moved to Denver? Was everything fine? Did they approve of you moving or having some problem with it?

It sounds like some resentment built up over those two years, if I'm reading this right. If they behaved significantly different upon your return, it seems to me that it's safe to assume that something hurt them.

And then all of their behavior is out of hurt.

Do you consider them to be good people? I find that there are people who are cruel because they are like that, and then there are people who are cruel when they're in pain and don't know how to properly handle that pain.

Do you believe they're behaving like this because they're genuinely bad people?

Or do you believe they're genuinely good people? In which case, the reason for their "hate" is important, I think.

Anyway, that's what I got from it. I don't recall seeing anything about being you diagnosed and them reacting to that diagnosis, as many are saying.

My family is quite similar. I hope things improve for you!

 

[Pats]

Sorry you had to move back in with them and I hope you can get into your own place soon.

There are a few things you need to take into consideration that might help you meanwhile.
Remember that we can very easily misinterpret things. What they do that leads you into a meltdown - they may have no idea how these things are actually affecting you. I don't know what type of things you are talking about - but take, for instance, they've got the tv volume up way too loud and refuse to turn it down. It's torture to you but because they don't experience it, they have no idea why you've just stomped into your room and slammed the door and just see it as you having a tantrum because you didn't get your way again. You know it's a meltdown, not a tantrum, but they don't understand it because they don't experience it. I would say, the key would be to communicate, but siblings tend to, well, just not care and not try to understand. But you might try to explain some of what you're experiencing during a time when things are good (if there are any good times or peaceful times).

When they say you don't eat. People that don't understand can have a really hard time with someone who doesn't or is not willing to try to eat like they do. Everyone wants control and that's sometimes a control thing. My parents used to get so mad at me because I was picky. They'd stop at this cafeteria (I hated it because it was mostly vegetables and stuff I didn't like)> They'd ask what I wanted and I would see cereal boxes in the back and would say Cheerios. They'd say anything but Cheerios. I'd say Rice Krispies and I'd get hit. I didn't understand it because I did not ask for Cheerios again, but eventually I learned that they wanted me to pick a vegetable or something that looked disgusting. It was a constant battle on both sides. At least, at home, my sister would sneak and eat my vegetables for me, but a few times I remember my dad forcing me to take a bite of whatever and I'd be gagging and being punished for gagging. They DON'T understand. And when they say you don't eat - they mean you don't eat how THEy want you to eat. I used to be told I was going to dry up and blow away - but I ate.

I guess I'm saying that it's going to be very difficult for them to understand - and what they can't understand they can not accept and it's going to be a constant push and shove. If they can't accept a aspie diagnosis, then just tell them - "Wow, you can really relate to some of these traits, such as the meltdowns over such and such, or the food textures, or the taking things literally, or feeling picked on, etc.) I hope for you the best.

 

[Michelle Espinosa]

Ok, I have something going on with me that I need major help with. I need to talk to someone about my family.

My mom, dad, and my two twin sisters are acting strange and also every time I am around them they seem mean to me and nice to my sisters. When I am not around they talk about me behind my back and now they judge how I talk like for example I say things backward, my words come out of order and they judge me for it. They take it out of context. Also, I feel they don't like me and it shows VERY clearly by their body language and it seems like they are giving me dirty looks or something and it feels like I get yelled at more often and I never have before and I don't know what is going on and I don't know why and I feel like they don't accept me either.

My family doesn't get that I am autistic. Another example of me talking out of order is me saying "Sit on my phone" and my uncle judged me right off and he judged me right away. I can't help it.

Now, most of my family think I don't eat and I don't know why they think this. I have a limited diet due to being allergic to dairy, gluten, and eggs and they don't get that. I have to tell them over and over. It is very frustrating. I didn't know why they didn't get it and how is it that hard to understand. Plus, I am also a picky eater too. They keep bothering me about eating a lot and it pissed me off because I told them the answer and they didn't get it. They just kept asking me. I eat but I can't eat around people. Plus if I don't eat with them they get upset and I hate them for it because it's so annoying. I am not there to please them.

I know they hate me because they treat me different than my sisters and It feels like they don't like me anymore. I never felt this way. I know I changed. But they need to get over it. My family doesn't respect my boundaries either. My issue is that too many people dislike me and I can't understand why. I get bullied a lot and people are mean to me and it's all very confusing. I get confused a lot and can't make up my mind and I don't understand what people are saying anymore. I don't know if I got stupid or my autism got worse.

My sisters push me into meltdowns. And they treat me like my mother and father do. Filled with hate. My mom pushed me into meltdowns too. I have to go to my room and hide from them a lot. I am afraid of them because they are showing their hate too much and maybe they did before and I never paid attention. I don't know it's all very confusing like I keep saying.

This all started when I lived in Denver in an apartment and never called them or talk to them. The only time I talked to them was via text or when they came and spoke to me. I did it for about two years. Then I had to move back in their place because I didn't have a job for a while and couldn't find one and they were helping me out with rent a little bit. It has been hard for me to get independent from them. They let me back in their house but they aren't nice and I want to move in with a friend but it is too hard to make friends at the same time. I had a job but it was hard to save up for a new place and I need too but I don't know how much longer I can stay at home or how much longer they will let me.

Things are getting scary for me and I don't know what to do. I needed the money for some many other things lately. I will try and look for resources and I want to find someone to talk to for free.

Lastly, feel like my family is judging me for what I have done and it makes me sad and uncomfortable plus I have been depressed lately. I have been angry and even filled with rage. I am a person who likes to rant so that's why I go on and on like this. Also, I talk to people who don't understand autism and it has been hard. I never had that before. Also, my mom expects me to be a person she wants and I don't know why. It makes me sad. She wants me to stop with my quirks and twitches and stims and I hate her for it because she doesn't understand. Also, she wants me to get married and I don't want to and I like being alone and I hate how my family bugs me about not being married.

I know I have been focusing on the negative but my family has done some great things too and they have helped me a lot and I do appreciate it but I can't get over the fact their dark side shows a lot more then it used to.

I tried to be specific. I don't know any other details to give you but I hope someone can help me with what I got. I am really afraid of my family. I cannot talk about how I feel with them. Last time I did they shut down and they took as me criticizing them when I wasn't. Well, that's what I felt.

People do a lot of complaining about me and I am confused by that too not just my family and I don't like people as much because I get negative experiences and not positive experiences from people.

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way with family.

I had similar experiences and eventually came to learn that I interpreted the annoyance of others as them literally not liking me or just being mean. It’s because I can’t discern intent. I can’t follow NTs emotionally and often feel hurt by them.

My mom used to do things that I was convinced was hatred or dislike and wouldn’t even try to learn about Aspergers so that she could avoid the aggravation. And lost friends because they pull away when they feel uncomfortable with me.

Is it possible to go to family therapy with someone who works with autistic patients? Maybe if a doctor or professional who is adept in explaining things to NTs talked to them or you all, you could get to the bottom of this hurtful and confusing dynamic...