It's official now

[Tempest]

Hi

It feels like it's been a long time since I posted my introduction! It took a long time but now I'm now officially diagnosed and...if I'm being honest I'm not okay...

It's been a real shock and it's been quite upsetting. I've always wanted to be someone, to build something and I still believe I can do that but I've always found it incredibly difficult. I've never been able to hold down a job for very long and I've always found it hard to maintain relationships. It's strange, I'm apparently fine when I'm with someone but what happens is I never really get the urge to initiate if that makes sense.

I always thought one day I would kinda grow out of this but now I know what it is it can feel like a bit of a dead end. I'm sure it isn't but I don't really know what to do. I'm frightened and frustrated and feel like I wish I could somehow get better but this attitude is not a positive way of looking at this and it's probably the thing that needs changing before anything else. It is making me lash out at people and that's really not good.

I received an email from the diagnosis team saying I should write a positivity diary, create a worry box and start timetabling my life. That sounds a little bit platitudy but I'm willing to try it out (but I am uncomfortable about joining a yoga class at the best of times, let alone during a freaking pandemic! Feeling a little boiler platey here). They also recommend a book called "getting to grips with aspergers syndrome" which has already accused me of having "extreme male brain"??? (And we wonder why less women get diagnosed) and basically said that people with aspergers come across as self centered unempathetic people who are wrong for believing in the social model of disability because they live in the real world?! So should I burn it first or just throw it in the bin

So yeah I don't really feel like I'm maybe getting 5 star quality help at the moment from the diagnosis.

Sigh...okay I do understand that goal setting and time tabling and journalism can legitimacy be really good for autistic people and indeed, I am currently quite engrossed in programming a game and time tabling would be incredibly helpful because if I sit down I'll just code and I need to do more than that, I have to do the art, make the sound effects, test, set up a website, bug test, unit test etc. but special interest just wants to code at least if I can summon the motivation (not easy). A time table could really help with this, setting aside some hours to study music theory and open GIMP would be fantastic.

Unfortunately it isn't like I haven't tried stuff like this several times before...

The issue comes when I miss a goal or a time table and it's always been the same. The whole system collapses. Ideally I would love to be able to dust myself off and try again tomorrow but that failure stings so much and creates a downward spiral. Is that an aspect of autism ? Obsession of meeting every last goal but creating anxiety and making me apathetic? What a catch 22! There must be some way of mediating that right?

Sorry if this comes over a little bit scatter brained I'm just really hurting at the moment.

I need a strategy and a next move. I think I need to:
Chase that appointment; it's probably a simple accident and not malicious.
Try and find out about any local groups; I think until I meet some autistic people it's going to be difficult to fully understand if that makes sense?
Journaling...I'm not really what a positivity diary or a worry box is but I think I have the gist of it...I'll try but it's going to be difficult to keep it up. I just don't have the self discipline .

Did anyone else find themselves upset after diagnosis? I can't be the only one. What helped you?

Thanks

Tempest x

 

[Suzette]

Hi Tempest,

I am 54 and newly self diagnosed. I probably won't persue an official diagnosis due to the expense. But for me, finally figuring out why I am as I am was a huge relief. The first time I made the connection I thought "Wow! I am normal!". For me, understanding this about myself has been enormously positive. Instead of thinking "I am such a freak" I can be more patient with myself.

I am telling you this in hopes that hearing a different perspective might allow you to find a new way of looking at your diagnosis.

Meeting others on the spectrum would be helpful I think. Remember, autisim is a spectrum. You will find we are representative of all kinds of attitudes, talents, likes and dislikes. We look a lot like everyone else. We are just people who connect differently to others and the world we are in.

One suggestion I can make is to change where you draw your end line for goals. Try to break up goals into smaller, more easily accomplished bites that, ultimately, lead to one bigger goal. Set your time lines based on these smaller goals.

 

[Au Naturel]

Hi

It feels like it's been a long time since I posted my introduction! It took a long time but now I'm now officially diagnosed and...if I'm being honest I'm not okay...

It's been a real shock and it's been quite upsetting. I've always wanted to be someone, to build something and I still believe I can do that but I've always found it incredibly difficult. I've never been able to hold down a job for very long and I've always found it hard to maintain relationships. It's strange, I'm apparently fine when I'm with someone but what happens is I never really get the urge to initiate if that makes sense.

I always thought one day I would kinda grow out of this but now I know what it is it can feel like a bit of a dead end. I'm sure it isn't but I don't really know what to do. I'm frightened and frustrated and feel like I wish I could somehow get better but this attitude is not a positive way of looking at this and it's probably the thing that needs changing before anything else. It is making me lash out at people and that's really not good.

I received an email from the diagnosis team saying I should write a positivity diary, create a worry box and start timetabling my life. That sounds a little bit platitudy but I'm willing to try it out (but I am uncomfortable about joining a yoga class at the best of times, let alone during a freaking pandemic! Feeling a little boiler platey here). They also recommend a book called "getting to grips with aspergers syndrome" which has already accused me of having "extreme male brain"??? (And we wonder why less women get diagnosed) and basically said that people with aspergers come across as self centered unempathetic people who are wrong for believing in the social model of disability because they live in the real world?! So should I burn it first or just throw it in the bin

So yeah I don't really feel like I'm maybe getting 5 star quality help at the moment from the diagnosis.

Sigh...okay I do understand that goal setting and time tabling and journalism can legitimacy be really good for autistic people and indeed, I am currently quite engrossed in programming a game and time tabling would be incredibly helpful because if I sit down I'll just code and I need to do more than that, I have to do the art, make the sound effects, test, set up a website, bug test, unit test etc. but special interest just wants to code at least if I can summon the motivation (not easy). A time table could really help with this, setting aside some hours to study music theory and open GIMP would be fantastic.

Unfortunately it isn't like I haven't tried stuff like this several times before...

The issue comes when I miss a goal or a time table and it's always been the same. The whole system collapses. Ideally I would love to be able to dust myself off and try again tomorrow but that failure stings so much and creates a downward spiral. Is that an aspect of autism ? Obsession of meeting every last goal but creating anxiety and making me apathetic? What a catch 22! There must be some way of mediating that right?

Sorry if this comes over a little bit scatter brained I'm just really hurting at the moment.

I need a strategy and a next move. I think I need to:
Chase that appointment; it's probably a simple accident and not malicious.
Try and find out about any local groups; I think until I meet some autistic people it's going to be difficult to fully understand if that makes sense?
Journaling...I'm not really what a positivity diary or a worry box is but I think I have the gist of it...I'll try but it's going to be difficult to keep it up. I just don't have the self discipline .

Did anyone else find themselves upset after diagnosis? I can't be the only one. What helped you?

Thanks

Tempest x

You aren't getting good service. That's about 2 or 3 stars at best. You've been handed platitudes and stereotypes. Some mental health professionals don't even make passably good amateurs. They are using an algorithm they learned from textbooks from 20 years ago. Your description of them makes me think they got their training from a self-help guru.

If you can avoid it, do not chain yourself to a time table. I don't know what you're doing that needs a rigid timetable. I prefer to simply work on one project until it is done. Thru experience, I can offer a rough idea of when it will be completed Unless I allow for numerous mishaps and missteps along the way, I guarantee it will be late and over budget. I'm a slow and steady sort of guy.

Don't do a diary unless you want to be astonished how plebeian and boring life really is. It also turns into a mandatory task which soon takes all the joy out of it - if you ever enjoyed it to begin with. At least that is how every effort at a diary I ever tried ended up.

OTOH some people like keeping a diary as a way to organize their thoughts every day.

You are articulate enough that you could write an intermittant blog about topics of interest. I've been doing it since 2017. My topics range from nudism to anime to science. I write about Asperger's hiking, nature, autobiography and some slice of life. All stuff I enjoy and has meaning for me. I really am not interested in documenting the micro details of my life and I don't regret not having a diary of when I was alone, depressed and felt like an alien. The memories of that aren't going away.

What's depressing about a diagnosis? It is what it is, completely independent of what your diagnosis tells you. It clears up mysteries, offers explanations and points you in a more productive direction if you take ownership of it.

It is said that one time some students came to visit the French philosopher Voltaire. They were shown thru to where Voltaire was working in his garden. One of them asked him what he would want to do if he knew the world was ending tomorrow. He replied that he would like to work in his garden.

 

[Thinx]

I like to have a diary to help me organise myself, not for journaling. But I have kept them all since I first used diaries in the mid 90s, then it's quite interesting to check what I was up to 30 years ago sometimes. Think of it as a way to waste time in the future! Heh heh.

But actually it's the difficulties with Executive Functioning the diary is handy for, I find. I can organise tasks and see the time frame for goals that might otherwise creep up on me. I use the diary to break down tasks into bite sized goals, and often allocate estimated time needed for each task. Sometimes more realistically than others, but it's a learning curve...

It's worth remembering that your neurology hasn't changed through the diagnosis, you are who you always were, but you can get and develp strategies for the issues now you know what causes some of the challenges you have.

Everyone has challenges, it's not like there's a challenge-fee path available. I guess those diagnosers are just lobbing a few potentially helpful tools your way, in case anything strikes a chord or is useful. Sounds like you are already working on strategies, from what you say. And you have some talents and skills too, from what you say.

Having a diary, goal setting, breaking down tasks, time management, self care and therapy were all useful to me over the years to enjoy life and function less unevenly, and to keep in work. This is a good site to share your ideas and concerns on, too.

 

[Binary_Bark]

In my case it went the other way, got the diagnosis and started to understand my own brain a bit more, but the masking and acting continues.
Now the journaling does help, but you don't need to do it religiously, you do it when you feel like it.
One thing that is starting to help me is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy that my therapist is starting me on, maybe ask yours or read up on it for your self.

Edit:
Oh and book recommendation, would be to read:
Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's - John Elder Robison

 

[Chris001]

I'm recently "diagnosed", but I've known for years. It didn't change the way I view myself. I don't consider Autism a disorder. I consider us part of the human biological diversity where "normal" is just the center of the Bell Curve. My brain is not normal, but neither is my red hair. I thrive in some environments and have to be proactive and careful in others. A wide-brim hat and light long sleeve shirt serves me well in the summer. When not properly prepared to spend a day in the sun, I burn. I always have to monitor my skin and retreat to the shade before I burn so badly it takes days to recover. I don't thrive in crowded, noisy environments either. I prepare before going, self-monitor while I'm in it, and retreat before the sensory overload hits a level that it takes days to recover. To me it's the same thing. I love the way my brain works. I don't love the way I'm treated, but I wouldn't trade the way I think for anything.

Everyone has a different experience, and each of us views autism a little differently. However you view this and wherever you take it, you are still you. You are the same person you were before.

 

[Au Naturel]

Here's something I find extremely useful. I am a big fan of Stoicism. A lot of people think being stoic means being repressed and ignoring pain but it is nothing like that at all. It is about accepting and embracing what life throws at you. If Buddhism and Stoicism and Existentialism and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy all come to similar conclusions, their might be something to it. This is the best video about it I have seen.

 

[s3_gunzel]

It took a long time but now I'm now officially diagnosed and...if I'm being honest I'm not okay...

Can I be honest?

Thanks.

Nothing's changed. Just because you have a diagnosis now doesn't mean you've fundamentally changed, or that something inside of you has changed. You're still you. You're the same you that you were yesterday.

I received an email from the diagnosis team saying I should write a positivity diary, create a worry box and start timetabling my life.

I wouldn't disagree with timetabling your life. Structure is good. I, personally, wouldn't start a diary or worry box.

 

[Alexej]

HI @Tempest

Congratulations on the diagnosis, seriously - it is good to have that bit of knowledge with you on your journey. It makes it easier to understand what is going on as you try to work things out for yourself.

As tothe extreme male brain - that seems to have root back to Simon Barron Cohen and there are some questions is that idea is actually valid, so just let that one slide.

 

[Suzanne]

I felt pretty much the same as you, when I got my formal diagnosis a few year's ago. At first, I was astounded that, for the first time in my life, I had a confirmation of what I suspected and I was rather jubliant at the time, but then, a sort of panic set in and that sometimes still happens now.

When there was a suspicion, there is always a back door in the mind, where we can escape, if the reality is a tad too much to accept or frightening, but once there is an absolute, there is no turning back and that is scary! I cannot say: oh, I don't really have it; just touching some traits, because I was told that I am very much on the spectrum.

All I received was: I wish you all the best in a difficult world. No, other communication.

 

[watersprite]

Take it easy on wanting to pass judgement on how it feels to have the diagnosis.

After my diagnosis it was probably a month before my brain ran it through all the implications and past decisions which “would have been different if,” - lots of processing in other words.

Remove the word, diary from the concept of making notes to yourself about you. Keeping realistic records of what effect your actions & thoughts have on you can be enlightening.

Its information, over time, can help solve puzzles such as the one you mentioned:

The whole system collapses. Ideally I would love to be able to dust myself off and try again tomorrow but that failure stings so much and creates a downward spiral.

I also recommend reading into or listening to talks on stoicism. It gives a way of discernment and ability to focus on calm yet active choices.

 

[rach3rd]

@Tempest I totally understand. It’s ok to feel whatever you feel. Just know that you are unique, not broken. I just got diagnosed and was initially upset too. Autism just describes some traits you have, it does not predetermine your destiny. Plenty of autistic people are in long-term relationships with families and are happy.

As for journaling, I’m like you, I don’t have the discipline to do it every day so I don’t. I do it when something interesting happens to me and I decide to journal about it. As for that book you are reading…if it’s not helping don’t read it. I’m a big Bruce Lee fan and studied his martial art of Jeet Kune Do when I was younger. One of his more famous quotes is, “Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.” So when something is not working, I drop it. I don’t care if the advice comes from some famous person.

I’m a linux/programmer type as well with a passion for music too. I encourage you to use your music as an outlet for expressing your feelings. Playing the piano has been great therapy for me, and it’s free.

 

[Martha Ferris]

Accepting that I am on the spectrum changed my perspective 180 degrees. Positive-you now have a reason and the ability to understand why you are the way you are. What will this mean going forward?
Feelings just are, it is what you do about them that matters. My acceptence rocked my world. It took me some time to get used to the "new me" which wasn't really new, just a label was applied, but now I have calmed down and I am back on level ground and back to being my normal self. Nothing has changed except that there is a reason for the way I am and to me that is a relief. I am not just this weirded out person that I have spent my life being and trying to change or hide.
It sounds to me that you are not accepting the diagnosis because it means that you and your circumstances can't be changed. The fact is that you are on the spectrum and there is nothing you can do about how your brain is designed. You have been this way your whole life but now you can be proactive rather than reactive. How are you going to use your unique brain design to your benefit? Make a strengths and weakness list about yourself. Examine what you like to do. Build upon your stengths and minimize your weaknesses. Place yourself in a position where your strengths will be utilized even if that means changing jobs. This is the hand you have been dealt but you decide how you will use it to your advantage. Do what you need to do and work with your brain.
Serenity prayer: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Your attitude and perspectives can change when you accept and so can your future. You can choose to rely on and even enhance your strengths. That is what I suggest you do.

 

[Suzette]

One of the best autist on YouTube is Autistamatic. Please watch his videos for a perspective on autisim that will make you feel great about who you are.

Edit: I learned about Autistamatic right here at autisimforums from another member (whos name I do not recall). Giving credit where credit is due!

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Thats How I live my life, Happy with who I am, no thing to prove.

 

[Ken]

I have seen several people on this forum that are unhappy about their diagnosis. This always confuses me because I was elated with mine. I was so happy with the flood of answers revealing why my life has been so difficult. After seeing so many of the disappointed posts, I think I am beginning to understand the difference.

In my case, myself nor anyone in my family had a clue about autism. There was never any mention or thought of it. Everyone knew I was “weird” in a very annoying way and my school diagnosed me as retarded. I knew that social interaction induced extreme anxiety, but I did not know I was unique with that issue. My point is; no one in my life ever had any imagination about autism.

The pattern I think I’m seeing in those who are hurt - some even devastated by an autism diagnosis is that they and others in their life suspect they may be autistic – enough to seek a diagnosis. It also appears the thought of being diagnoses with autism is in the perspective of being diagnosed with some awful disease. Then the diagnosis; Ohhh no… Now it’s confirmed… I have that dreaded autism “disease”.

But in reality, this is a false perception. Autism is not a disease. It is not something you catch or something that happens to you, and it does not mean you are defective. In fact, that was my greatest relief. All my life, until my diagnosis, I have been convinced I was defective. So, it seems that how one perceives their diagnosis; whether it is a good thing or bad thing is dependent on the perception of what autism is by the person and others in their life.

I still sometimes suffer from that false perception. Feeling that I can never accomplish anything has been the story of my life. It is a constant feed for debilitating depression. I feel that my life has been a perceptual disappointing failure. I feel that I can never complete any project. Devastating disappointment over cherished projects that I fail to complete, missing deadlines. That view is when I’m looking at my life from an internal view. But then, when I look at my life from a purely historical view without the negative bias, things are very different. In that view I see that my dashed childhood dream of becoming an electronics design engineer because of my inability to understand simple algebra and my crushing learning disability in school, has, in reality come true. It is so easy to forget or overlook that in my life’s senior years that I did, reality, retire as a well-respected, sought after senior electronics design engineer at a well-respected design firm – the only engineer without a degree.

I hope that you can find solace in the fact that being autistic puts you in very good company. Autism is considered a “disorder”, but I think that is a very nebulous label. There is a long list of very successful autistic people:
Elon Musk, Nikola Tesla, Albert Einstein, even movie starts like Dan Aykroyd and Daryl Hannah. And this is a very short list. I am sure that each of these very successful people struggle with self-acceptance and recognition of their real accomplishments. I also believe that since autism is not a separate part of a person, like a disease, that it is an integral part of who the person is, these enormously successful people are so because of their autism – not in spite of it.

What I would like to point out is that all perceptions are dependent of the point or angle of view. In the end, I hope you can see past the negative, dreaded angle-of-view of the awful autism and can see that you are indeed a wonderful, successful person who is proud to be autistic.

 

[jleeb05]

I think it's normal to have a range of emotions. It reminds me of when I realized I was part of the LGBT community at age 12. I was excited because it explained why I felt so different and opened me up to a new community of people who felt the same way. At the same time, part of me mourned the heteronormative life I knew I'd never have and the difficulties I would almost certainly experience.

I was suspected or maybe even diagnosed with Aspergers as a child. But over time I kind of forgot about it and assumed that I wasn't on the spectrum. One of the main reasons I believed this was because I changed! I grew up, I learned, I got better. Of course, I still struggle with social interactions but as weird as it sounds, it was a revelation when I recently learned that autistic people can learn and grow. We're not doomed to be the weird, socially inept people that are always bumbling our way through life. Many of us are able to learn and function just as well as anybody else.

The funny thing is that a lot of my traits that might be related to autism are what I typically list as my greatest strengths. High levels of empathy, extreme focus, fixation on goals, being able to think outside of social constructs, stubbornness, and being strong-willed. Of course, those can all manifest negatively depending on the circumstances but perhaps you can use your autistic superpowers to your benefit.

This isn't to say that you might not always struggle and have difficulties related to your autism because you will. But it seems that those difficulties don't have to define you. One of the best things about being diagnosed, at least for me, is the clarity it brings. Before I thought I was just weird or even crazy. Now I understand how some of my difficulties might relate to social deficits and sensory issues. I believe that knowing the cause of some of my struggles means that I can start to mitigate them.

It sounds like the diagnosis team gave you some recommendations that don't work for you so think about what will work. As far as your perfectionism, at least as it relates to programming, it does sound like it might be related to autism. I recently read a quote (I can't remember where) that recently stuck with me. "Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly." It sounds counterintuitive but the person gave the example of brushing your teeth. I think we'd all agree that it's something worth doing. Brushing your teeth for only 30 seconds (instead of the recommended 2 minutes) is better than not brushing them at all.

Another helpful quote is "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of good." Don't let your perfection stop you from creating something worthwhile!

Bottom line, I think it's perfectly reasonable to mourn the neurotypical life you may never lead but don't see this diagnosis as putting some sort of ceiling on what you can achieve in life. Knowing what you have and understanding how to work with it might give you the tools you need to achieve more than you would have thought possible prior to your diagnosis.

 

[Tempest]

Thank you for all your kind replies. Sorry it's taken me a few days to get back to you all. These last couple of days have been very painful but I feel I've grown an awful lot in that short time. I'm getting a better understanding of things. I'm still feeling very frightened but I'm certainly in a better positive facing position now than I was.

@Suzette

Thank you for sharing your experience. I get the impression that a lot of people feel a sense of relief which I think on some level I can understand. After all it is nice to have an explanation and I guess it's nice to know that you are not the only one who is this way. Perhaps my feeling of relief will come later.

I agree that meeting others probably would be helpful if and when I feel brave enough. I understand there is a building a couple of miles from where I live that has an autism meetup but I don't know much more about it. It's a community building and has a website but it doesn't say anything about it, however I have actually been there once before a few years ago and I saw the signs so I know it does happen there. I imagine its off at the moment though due to covid and I don't know if it will survive. I've heard of a lot of social meetup events being destroyed by the pandemic but perhaps something like this is quite a bit more hardy. Also maybe new stuff will come about after the pandemic! I have read a prediction that socialisation efforts are likely to explode in popularity once everything is fully back to normal. We shall have to wait and see.

Also thank you so much for recommending that youtube channel, it's safe to say that I would not have grown as much in these last 48 hours had I not seen it. I've binged quite a lot of it. He's helped me to realise that autism really is more than a list of diagnostic criteria in the DSM V and how if I don't change my attitude and remain miserable I could turn into an enemy. I still don't quite "get" it but I think I'm much closer today than I was when I first posted this, so thank you once again for the recommendation!

@Au Naturel

I agree that the service is kinda mediocre, but they gave me the bit of paper and I guess at the end of the day that is the most important part but yeah, I think I'm only really going to find help through other means.

To timetable or not to timetable is something that has been going through my head a lot. I mean on the one hand, there's so much going into this project and I am already 2 years in. It requires all forms of multimedia and I think there is value in being flexible enough to sit down and say I'm just going to do what I feel like. The trouble is I've found that the programming is the bit I'm most comfortable with so its the bit that invariably gets done. Maybe a timetable would be a justification to "force" myself into a multimedia role for a few hours...or it could make me sit there for a few hours feeling miserable and wanting to get back to the code. I don't know, I think I might have to try it and see if it works for me. Same with a diary.

I hope the diagnosis can point me in a better direction. My concern though is there is precious little that can be accessed at the moment. It's very hard to find things that are not aimed at children. Although there are plenty of books out there I suppose.

Also I watched that video on stoicism. It certainly looks very interesting and I can see how that might make someone feel a lot better. It sounds like it would take some training to get good at it though.

@Thinx

Breaking down tasks into smaller pieces is something I've been trying and it has been helping...sometimes. It doesn't always work and its not always easy to do but its probably something I could get better at over time.

I did see a youtube video of an autistic person who had about 5 diaries, each for a different aspect of their life so I do see how for some people it can be a powerful tool. I don't know if it will work for me yet but its probably worth a try although it might take a while for me to find a useful paradigm.

@Binary_Bark

Thanks for the book recommendation, I've made a note of it, honestly ANYTHING is probably better than the one I have...

Masking and acting are interesting concepts that I still haven't quite got my head around. I don't feel like I do do those things but its likely that I do. However if I have been doing those things then have I ever acted like myself? Am I acting like myself now? These are tough questions and I need to think on them more.

@Chris001

I suppose on some level I knew that I was autistic too, well actually I only knew I was different. It's very encouraging to hear how you don't see it as a deficiency as that is the narrative I was always fed and I need to unpick that.

@s3_gunzel

Thanks, I'll definitely give timetabling a try!

@Alexej

I hope it will make it easier to understand what I'm going through. It's probably going to take some time to get used to it but I have to remember above everything I'm still me.

And yes I've heard about Simon Barron Cohen, I don't think I like him very much. Especially his latest project.

@Suzzane

Yep, I always knew something was different and I wanted to know what it was so I could fix it you know? Turns out "fix" is the completely wrong way of looking at it though and I think that's what I'm taking so hard. When I suspected it during the long wait for a diagnosis I decided to look at services for adults and then was really disappointed to find that...well...there really isn't that much, it's all aimed at children. That feeling of going through half my life without knowing it's...sad really. Although I don't know what I would or could have done differently.

@watersprite

I think I am still mid the processing phase and its exhausting. It's taking its time but I think I'm starting to realise that were I neurotypical I wouldn't be the person I am. I mean I guess we will never know that for sure because we don't really know how much inherent programming a human has but it's a pointless thought experiment and I'm trying to break out of that thought cycle but it is hard.

I'm going to work on this self noting system, I have some ideas. I wrote a very basic text editor for android I could probably extend that.

@rach3rd

You're right, I'm not broken, even if I haven't quite shaken that feeling yet. I hope now that I know I am autistic I can grow as a person and get better by looking at things in a new way but I don't yet know how to do that which is frustrating.

I think adapting what works and discarding what doesn't is very wise and it will be the approach I'll take. I'll try and get on that soon but I think I still need some time to process.

@Martha Ferris

Thank you, I will try to focus more on my strengths than my weaknesses. After all I have to work with what I've got and all I really have is me. I am hoping that if I can master the "new" me I will be able to work a little bit faster and for longer. It's hard not to think how long and hard I'd be able to work if I had known all my life or if I wasn't autistic but I do acknowledge that its a pointless thought experiment and it's wasting time and energy to think like that.

I want to accept this diagnosis, its going to take me a long time but I think I'm more accepting now than I was when I wrote this topic.

@Ronald Zeeman

That's wonderful! I don't really know why I have such this burning desire to prove myself but maybe one day I'll reach your level of serenity, certainly seems like a worth goal!

@Ken

I think one of the main reasons I am unhappy is because I have known for a long long time that I am not achieving the goals I want to or being able to communicate as well as my peers. I've known for a long time that it is something to do with me and I had often fantasized about the day where I would just figure it out, get it sorted then become the model citizen who works hard and makes friend and all that other stuff you see in the movies. When I was diagnosed in my ignorance my first question was "what's the cure?". To be told there wasn't one and that this feeling of being inadequate I have was never going to go away was a very bitter pill to swallow especially because I'd been taught this false view of autism.

It did feel like a disease at first. The image in my head of autism was screaming children and suffering because that's the image that has always been pushed to me. I didn't see it as people first it really did look like a dreadful affliction because that's what the media wants people to think it is.

Trying to look back through my life and find positives is difficult but there are one or two. I didn't do well at school but I did do well at college and I have a BTEC so that's something I guess.

.....

 

[Tempest]

.....

@jleeb05

I do hope I can grow and learn. I mentioned to the nurse after my diagnosis that a huge frustration of mine was the work cycle I employ can often be an intense period for like a week or two then something changes and I spend a lot of time doing nothing, sometimes months. She said that might just be how I work and I need this time on time off cycle. To me that is horrifying! I spend far longer not working on a project than I do working on it and at this rate nothing will ever get done. I haven't sat down to code all week which has been frustrating although I do understand why because processing this diagnosis is going to take up all of my brain but its endemic of how things seem to always go and it sucks.

If its possible to break out of that then I need to find out how and employ it. If I do get a job in the games industry outside of the indie sphere (something that will probably only happen after I release a commercial product) then I need to be able to work hours longer than full time because that's kind of how they operate and not reaching a consistent work flow makes that dream feel very unrealistic.



Well I still have a lot to think about and a lot to process. I really am quite keen on finding what tools I can employ to be a better person though. I need to keep searching and trying to find out. There's stuff I want to do, and I want to get going on it as soon as possible. Tomorrow is always another day.

 

[watersprite]

Reading such thoughtful words about another’s experiences and reactions helps me to see my own struggles and sadnesses in a different, a more detached way. Thanks for the update. Hope things are well & that you’ll stick around.