Au Naturel
Au Naturel
Deepl
Deeply thought out and detailed responses to everyone!Thank you for all your kind replies. Sorry it's taken me a few days to get back to you all. These last couple of days have been very painful but I feel I've grown an awful lot in that short time. I'm getting a better understanding of things. I'm still feeling very frightened but I'm certainly in a better positive facing position now than I was.
@Suzette
Thank you for sharing your experience. I get the impression that a lot of people feel a sense of relief which I think on some level I can understand. After all it is nice to have an explanation and I guess it's nice to know that you are not the only one who is this way. Perhaps my feeling of relief will come later.
I agree that meeting others probably would be helpful if and when I feel brave enough. I understand there is a building a couple of miles from where I live that has an autism meetup but I don't know much more about it. It's a community building and has a website but it doesn't say anything about it, however I have actually been there once before a few years ago and I saw the signs so I know it does happen there. I imagine its off at the moment though due to covid and I don't know if it will survive. I've heard of a lot of social meetup events being destroyed by the pandemic but perhaps something like this is quite a bit more hardy. Also maybe new stuff will come about after the pandemic! I have read a prediction that socialisation efforts are likely to explode in popularity once everything is fully back to normal. We shall have to wait and see.
Also thank you so much for recommending that youtube channel, it's safe to say that I would not have grown as much in these last 48 hours had I not seen it. I've binged quite a lot of it. He's helped me to realise that autism really is more than a list of diagnostic criteria in the DSM V and how if I don't change my attitude and remain miserable I could turn into an enemy. I still don't quite "get" it but I think I'm much closer today than I was when I first posted this, so thank you once again for the recommendation!
@Au Naturel
I agree that the service is kinda mediocre, but they gave me the bit of paper and I guess at the end of the day that is the most important part but yeah, I think I'm only really going to find help through other means.
To timetable or not to timetable is something that has been going through my head a lot. I mean on the one hand, there's so much going into this project and I am already 2 years in. It requires all forms of multimedia and I think there is value in being flexible enough to sit down and say I'm just going to do what I feel like. The trouble is I've found that the programming is the bit I'm most comfortable with so its the bit that invariably gets done. Maybe a timetable would be a justification to "force" myself into a multimedia role for a few hours...or it could make me sit there for a few hours feeling miserable and wanting to get back to the code. I don't know, I think I might have to try it and see if it works for me. Same with a diary.
I hope the diagnosis can point me in a better direction. My concern though is there is precious little that can be accessed at the moment. It's very hard to find things that are not aimed at children. Although there are plenty of books out there I suppose.
Also I watched that video on stoicism. It certainly looks very interesting and I can see how that might make someone feel a lot better. It sounds like it would take some training to get good at it though.
@Thinx
Breaking down tasks into smaller pieces is something I've been trying and it has been helping...sometimes. It doesn't always work and its not always easy to do but its probably something I could get better at over time.
I did see a youtube video of an autistic person who had about 5 diaries, each for a different aspect of their life so I do see how for some people it can be a powerful tool. I don't know if it will work for me yet but its probably worth a try although it might take a while for me to find a useful paradigm.
@Binary_Bark
Thanks for the book recommendation, I've made a note of it, honestly ANYTHING is probably better than the one I have...
Masking and acting are interesting concepts that I still haven't quite got my head around. I don't feel like I do do those things but its likely that I do. However if I have been doing those things then have I ever acted like myself? Am I acting like myself now? These are tough questions and I need to think on them more.
@Chris001
I suppose on some level I knew that I was autistic too, well actually I only knew I was different. It's very encouraging to hear how you don't see it as a deficiency as that is the narrative I was always fed and I need to unpick that.
@s3_gunzel
Thanks, I'll definitely give timetabling a try!
@Alexej
I hope it will make it easier to understand what I'm going through. It's probably going to take some time to get used to it but I have to remember above everything I'm still me.
And yes I've heard about Simon Barron Cohen, I don't think I like him very much. Especially his latest project.
@Suzzane
Yep, I always knew something was different and I wanted to know what it was so I could fix it you know? Turns out "fix" is the completely wrong way of looking at it though and I think that's what I'm taking so hard. When I suspected it during the long wait for a diagnosis I decided to look at services for adults and then was really disappointed to find that...well...there really isn't that much, it's all aimed at children. That feeling of going through half my life without knowing it's...sad really. Although I don't know what I would or could have done differently.
@watersprite
I think I am still mid the processing phase and its exhausting. It's taking its time but I think I'm starting to realise that were I neurotypical I wouldn't be the person I am. I mean I guess we will never know that for sure because we don't really know how much inherent programming a human has but it's a pointless thought experiment and I'm trying to break out of that thought cycle but it is hard.
I'm going to work on this self noting system, I have some ideas. I wrote a very basic text editor for android I could probably extend that.
@rach3rd
You're right, I'm not broken, even if I haven't quite shaken that feeling yet. I hope now that I know I am autistic I can grow as a person and get better by looking at things in a new way but I don't yet know how to do that which is frustrating.
I think adapting what works and discarding what doesn't is very wise and it will be the approach I'll take. I'll try and get on that soon but I think I still need some time to process.
@Martha Ferris
Thank you, I will try to focus more on my strengths than my weaknesses. After all I have to work with what I've got and all I really have is me. I am hoping that if I can master the "new" me I will be able to work a little bit faster and for longer. It's hard not to think how long and hard I'd be able to work if I had known all my life or if I wasn't autistic but I do acknowledge that its a pointless thought experiment and it's wasting time and energy to think like that.
I want to accept this diagnosis, its going to take me a long time but I think I'm more accepting now than I was when I wrote this topic.
@Ronald Zeeman
That's wonderful! I don't really know why I have such this burning desire to prove myself but maybe one day I'll reach your level of serenity, certainly seems like a worth goal!
@Ken
I think one of the main reasons I am unhappy is because I have known for a long long time that I am not achieving the goals I want to or being able to communicate as well as my peers. I've known for a long time that it is something to do with me and I had often fantasized about the day where I would just figure it out, get it sorted then become the model citizen who works hard and makes friend and all that other stuff you see in the movies. When I was diagnosed in my ignorance my first question was "what's the cure?". To be told there wasn't one and that this feeling of being inadequate I have was never going to go away was a very bitter pill to swallow especially because I'd been taught this false view of autism.
It did feel like a disease at first. The image in my head of autism was screaming children and suffering because that's the image that has always been pushed to me. I didn't see it as people first it really did look like a dreadful affliction because that's what the media wants people to think it is.
Trying to look back through my life and find positives is difficult but there are one or two. I didn't do well at school but I did do well at college and I have a BTEC so that's something I guess.
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