Just fed up

[Robby]

So does therapy actually work for anyone? I have mild autism and am living at home, with no job and no prospects due to my total lack of coping skills for my triggers & my sensitivities and also my huge fear of being bullied in a workplace for being gay. Every therapist I see seems to just sit there and be really fake and pretend to care but never offer any actual tangible steps for me to help get my life on track? I don't even know where to start. I just want to not have anxiety or depression any more yet I'm scared to take the meds they prescribed me.

I had hopes for the new therapist I saw, but she sat there and acted weird during our meeting and kept smiling then frowning & it was obvious she didn't care less about me she was just doing a job. Maybe it's a curse or a blessing but I read people very well I think their facial expressions and pick up on the smallest things and I have yet to find a therapist I trust and feel comfortable with. And what good is it if you can't see them but once amonth? I need it like once a week I am in dire need of it.

And as I was leaving, two women in the office started looking at me and smiling and making comments about me it was obvious they were talking about me and making fun of me. I mean really?! This was a mental health office shouldn't people be a little more compassionate? I just am getting to where I dislike most all people.

Another therapist I saw recently was nice enough but then suddenly she said "ok, times up for our session" I mean geez I'm not feeling comfortable opening up to a stranger if they are going to act that way.

All I need is to figure out how to deal with my sensitivities and triggers and help finding a job I know I can succeed at and learn how to become somewhat self sufficient but nobody helps me or seems to care. Can anyone offer advice how you overcame the isolation and total fear of people and them being jerks?

 

[Grace13]

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...............

 

[Naturalist]

I felt this way for many years. In and out of therapists, none of whom seemed to "get" me (or even care). One exception was an older gentleman with a good sense of humor, but he was very reluctant to help me ease off meds, so I stopped going altogether when I moved away.

I do have a very good therapist now, who specializes in CBT. I drive an hour to another town every week for my appointments, and then an hour back, but it is a quiet drive and well worth it. My therapist is younger and his specialty is children, but he agreed to see me because he was curious to know more about adults with ASDs. I think this is partly why he is so good, because many of us don't always feel or act like adults even if we are. He also has a great sense of humor, and is a creative thinker. He uses a lot of very visual activities including art therapy, which is good for me because I love art. The counseling center is not a purpose-built office but a renovated Victorian house, decorated simply in neutral colors. It feels very comfortable and home-like.

I still don't like waiting in the parlor when there are other patients, but they mostly ignore everyone else. Some of them talk loudly though, which is annoying. But I have never noticed them talking about any of the other patients, or glaring at others. One thing I do remember with respect to other patients is that they wouldn't be there if they didn't have issues too, so they have no room to judge me.

I think the location--very liberal college town--helps. Most of the people working in the office have a very Zen outlook. A good counselor will provide a comfortable--not clinical--environment, with minimal distractions or sensory triggers. They will have a good sense of humor and will make notes, but they will also be willing and eager to try a new approach. They will also describe clearly what they would like to do with respect to activities and will ask if those activities are okay. You should never have to do or say anything in therapy without choosing to participate. They will also be responsive if you tell them you don't like something or don't want to address something immediately, and will kindly suggest an alternative.

It has been hard for me to find someone understanding, but well worth it. I also think that if you are burnt out from trying multiple practitioners, you should take a break from appointments and identify what you like and don't like in the ones you have seen so far. Then when you are feeling like it is time to try again, you can use the list to assess specialists you might want to make an appointment to see.

 

[Suzanne]

Hi Robby

I get you very much, ie about how you feel about therapists. I was assigned to this centre for people with mental problems and was treated horribly, because I dressed nicely and looked normal and plus, found it utterly depressing there. One therapist kept challanging me and saying how do I know that I suffer from anxiety etc and I felt so stupid that I got angry and said that wasn't she supposed to be helping rather than making out I was a fraud? Her reply was: well, to be blunt, you are very clean; don't smoke or take drugs etc, and so, I think you are wanting to feel mentally ill. I got up and walked out.

In the same centre, another woman therapist, would say: enter and I would walk in and she would sit there and stare at me. I felt so uncomfortable that I asked why was she staring and she then said: do you fancy me? I said that I do not need this kind of attitude and again, got up to go and she just said: it would be wise if you came back and sat down, but I just walked out.

Again, once again, the same place. I was told time is up and yet another person went over time!!!

I have had rotten experiences with therapist, but for one who was amazing! She even gave me her home phone number ( I never phoned it) and even if time was up, she allowed me to continue and would say: if there is no one else scheduled, then there is no reason for us to stop our session She taught me quite a few things. Sadly, though, I was doing something very wrong and was talking to her about it; she was helping me to figure out why I was doing the bad thing. I did not realise I was an aspie at the time, but typically, the need to tell the truth and so, when my hubby found out what I was doing, I go and tell him that my therapist knew and that was that; I had no choice but to stop seeing her, for my husband felt she was a traitor to him.

Eventually, I realised that therapy was not helping me and the only one to do that, was me and this has proved true.

As for you being gay and fear of how you are treated. This world is very accepting of homosexuality and so, I cannot see that your sexual preference would be an issue and besides, there are a few male aspies on here, who are gay.

 

[Naturalist]

As for you being gay and fear of how you are treated. This world is very accepting of homosexuality and so, I cannot see that your sexual preference would be an issue and besides, there are a few male aspies on here, who are gay.

I think this very much depends upon place. The town where I live is ultra-conservative, and many of my gay friends who have been to counseling here have said that even their counselors took the view that they wouldn't be gay if they weren't mentally unstable. Which is very backward, I know, but the town was somewhat famous for eugenics not so long ago... Glad that much of the world is more enlightened!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

When I was young, I had a "therapist" for some anxiety issues and I too figured out they were only there for their job. Now that I think about it, it is their job and they really have too many patients to get involved "personally". Once I came to this conclusion, I knew not to expect too much and just use them for the medication that I needed and whatever advice they could give me. I was in nursing school at the time and had a nurse practitioner as my therapist so he was able to write my prescriptions and answer the nurse questions I had.

 

[Balkan1996]

Yep, 90% of people are immoral animals, I agree.
And yes, they enjoy laughing at other people.
Also, they love power.

But what about the other 10% ?
Just hope you meet someone out there and ignore the rest. There is no better way of coping with it. Try your best and either make a friendship or ignore the person.

This culture is made for stupid and selfish people, it's hard to be smart. Consider yourself enlightened.

Keep searching, be optimistic and then stay positive.

 

[Robby]

Well the town I'm in is fairly gay-friendly and the therapists are pretty young they're nice enough I guess but they just seem and come across really fake. I just dont feel like anyone gets me at all. And how can I get anything out of therapy if I can't see anyone but every few weeks? And why would those people in the office be making fun of me I mean really? How high school is that? I was checking out and they were standing back there and laughing at me. I don't feel I am accepted and when I go to a mental health clinic I expect to be treated with some respect. That really threw me for a loop. I really don't get it I dress nice, I try to act nice, but I still get trampled on and treated like crap.

 

[Robby]

I just like animals better than people they don't judge me or hurt my feelings or be backstabbing.

 

[Robby]

I'm starting to think therapy is ********. They're just there for a job they don't really care about helping people or helping someone who is autistic learn coping skills.

 

[Robby]

I've never in my life had a therapist treat me other than a clinical topic. I mean do they forget we're human beings? Call me crazy but the best therapy I've had is hanging out with animals at least I know they love me & aren't judging me or feeding me some ********. I'm not against therapy but I mean isn't it supposed to help someone? It's just the feeling like they're being cold and distant & not really interested in me. I mean they're nice enough I guess but it's just not enough. If I'm going to open up to a therapist I need to feel they hear me and really care. Maybe that won't happen but that's what I feel.

 

[Robby]

Maybe it's me being aspie, or maybe just me, but if I don't fully feel comfortable with someone especially a stranger, I can't trust them to open up to them. I just can't. Sometimes it just clicks with someone I can't explain it, but it just does. I had one therapist out of about 5 I have seen so far that I had that with. She was a lovely lady, Argentinian, sweet, listened, and just had this vibe about her that made me feel safe and not judged and like she cared about me as a person. Sadly she had to leave so I could no longer see her. The last girl I saw was nice enough I guess but she came off a little snooty she seemed like she was some sorority-type girl. It just didn't click. Guess I'll keep trying until I find someone I feel I can click with. Until then, therapy won't do me any good because it's just as much about the relationship to the person.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Therapists do not, generally, want to enable, excuse, and apply band-aids on someone in pain. They want to help them. If all they wanted to do was make money, they could be accountants. (Sadly, insurance companies often make them accountants, too.)

I've had good, bad, and mediocre therapists, and what it really came down to was my own willingness to listen to things I didn't always like and not assume it was a personal attack. Since I knew what I was in pain about, I knew what I wanted for an outcome, and I expected guidance on getting there.

The consistently best therapists were the ones who were willing to learn both about me and from me. The "click" never happened immediately and the trust didn't either. It took work on my part and patience on theirs.

Talk therapy is the relationship that works on relationships and on better self-knowledge. I didn't pay them to be my friends.

 

[Warmheart]

Robby, I am sorry for your suffering. I can relate to your pain, anxiety, depression. And, finding a new therapist is scary. Meds are, too!

I believe that your feelings are valid. I will say though, that when one is highly anxious and deeply distressed, one may be prone to interpreting people's behavior in a negative way. A therapist needs time... and we must give the time, some time.

Please be extra good to yourself right now. You are hurting. A specialist familiar with autism is optimal, if not imperative, if one seeks out a therapist. For a while, the therapist may seem <fill in negative descriptor here>, but in time, if she/he is a kind soul, you will feel it-- especially as you begin to do better and your perspective & perception improve. May brighter days be ahead for you!

 

[Robby]

I hope I'll find a therapist who I feel actually cares about helping me and helping me discover and learn coping skills and how to find a job I can be good at and keep. I'm sorry but I just don't have much self confidence or know where to start. And so far all the therapists just seem to sit there and smile and nod. I don't feel anyone cares. I'm not expecting miracles but I mean it would be nice to meet with one of these so called mental health professionals who wouldn't sit there like a dumb bump on a log and actually teach me something.

 

[Tia Maria]

Robby, I have no idea if this would be helpful at all to you, but I have personally found comfort & solace when I was younger in reading different books. It helped me to understand myself & others better, & even to feel understood in a way ... knowing that there were others out there who felt as I did or experienced some of the same things. I too wanted practical guidance & answers, & reading also helped me with self exploration & finding some answers. As an Aspie you have some difficulties that I did not have to face, so please take this as it applies to you (or not).

Anyway, one of my favorite books was "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, MD. Maybe check it out & see what you think.

Also, as you've found, there is a wonderful community of people here on this site who truly care & are willing & able to share their perspectives & wise guidance.

PS - I am with you on the animals. I also love animals & find them to be an absolute joy.

 

[royinpink]

I hope I'll find a therapist who I feel actually cares about helping me and helping me discover and learn coping skills and how to find a job I can be good at and keep. I'm sorry but I just don't have much self confidence or know where to start. And so far all the therapists just seem to sit there and smile and nod. I don't feel anyone cares. I'm not expecting miracles but I mean it would be nice to meet with one of these so called mental health professionals who wouldn't sit there like a dumb bump on a log and actually teach me something.

From my experience, if you are seeing therapists who do not specialize in ASD or Asperger's, this will happen. The reason is that NTs automatically say a bunch of stuff about their feelings, even if they haven't opened up to a deep level of trust yet. People with ASD tend not to know what to say, not be as aware of their emotions, not be able to communicate their emotions clearly, and have trust issues. So that doesn't happen with us. It's not that they don't care. It's that they don't want to impose their ideas on the NT and just listen first.

Secondly, therapists CAN'T care too much. I think as people said above, you'll find the ones who care if you stick at it, but it's a different kind of care than it sounds like you may be searching for. They see tens or even hundreds of clients, and if they had a huge personal investment in the lives of each of them (who come to therapy because they are struggling or need a sounding board or coping skills or whatever--in short, no one is happy, and no one is holding back the negativity so as not to infect others), they would go bonkers. They have to protect themselves not only so that they don't become depressed but so that they can be the stable one who is there to help their patients.

I find that for me, as for you, this is difficult. I understand it, but I intuitively don't trust people who are not personally invested in me. It's hard. The most I can say is, find a therapist who understands high-functioning ASD. Discuss your fears with them so that they know where you are coming from and can clear things up--they aren't mind-readers, and it might be a total mystery to them why you don't open up. If they really are uncomfortable with gay people, find a new therapist. If not, stick with it and try.

If you're not sure where therapy is going, ask. A good therapist should be able to give you an outline, like "We're going to get to know each other first and build up our communication. I find this takes about 4-5 weeks with people with ASD. Then we're going to tackle the depression with CBT, which should take 9-12 weeks, then..." and if you don't like the outline, ask her/him to explain why it's in that order and whether it can be changed to focus on something else.

 

[Robby]

That's so complicated. I don't know. I just find it hard to trust anyone who is basically just a therapist to make a living it's not about me as an individual it's about them just making money right? I mean it's hard enough talking to strangers as it is. I hate to keep hopping therapists but I don't feel I should have to settle for someone I'm not totally comfortable with. I have trouble a lot with personal interactions or getting close to people I don't know..but I have some ideas to make therapy better at least for me.

STOP with the notes I HATE that when I'm talking to someone and they just sit there and fake smile and pretend to care when all they do is ask stupid stock questions and write stuff down like I'm some test subject. Treat me like another valid human being for starters.

Next don't patronize me. And stop constantly trying to dictate the conversation I should be the one who controls the pace of things. And then having animals or therapy animals in the office would really help, animals always make me feel better and more relaxed, if I had a furry friend to pet it would help me feel so much more relaxed.

I'm not officially diagnosed yet but when and if I am maybe I can find one who is a specialist in autism. The last therapist told me there is no such thing as aspergers anymore she said it's all considered autism now.

 

[Robby]

I've been snowed in for the 4th day in a row nobody calls or texts to ask how I am or checks on me. I can't open my car because the doors are frozen and I'm running low on food. See this is why therapy is a waste. They talk a big game but they never call you to ask how you're doing or just a simple hello or hug when you see them. That goes for most people too they're all talk. Nobody cares they say they do but their actions suggest otherwise. I'm feeling really alone again because of all this i have no job no prospects and no life and nobody cares about me. I'm gay but have no boyfriend because all the guys want some masculine butch guy and they wouldn't want me because I have no job and no life skills. I don't know how to get out of this but I am near a breaking point I have not much left.

 

[wyverary]

Robby, hun. I know what it's like to be snowed in...both figuratively AND literally. It messes with one's mind. I know that's not all that's going on with you... Just know you have people you can talk to here when you need to.

FWIW, I've never had a good therapist who took notes during a session.