Just fed up

[Robby]

It would just be nice for once if someone showed me an ounce of compassion instead of treating me like some robot I mean I may not express myself the best but I'm a human being and I have feelings just because I don't look like jo schmo next door I can't help that. People are so cold and uncaring.

 

[Warmheart]

Robby, you're right, it feels awful when therapists seem disinterested. To be fair, we can be tough nuts to crack. It apparently takes an autism specialist to connect best with us. We roll up like pangolins, fog-out in shutdowns, we clam up, we have a tough time trusting, our words barely hint at what we really are feeling/thinking, we get defensive, we drift off into our heads, hide in our shells, and we can't much help any of this!

A good ASD specialist goes in knowing that our defenses are there for survival. He or she will need to patiently gain trust, endure our cranky defensiveness, and meet us where we are. The ASD specialist will try to respectfully join us in our world. After making it past our dragons, he or she enters our world all alone, and without a map.

Please be patient with yourself as you begin with your specialist. We aren't accustomed to anyone paying attention to us when we roll up, fog out, drift off. We usually expect the therapist to give up. A good ASD specialist has plenty of techniques, kindness, and (Thank goodness!) courage.

 

[royinpink]

That's so complicated. I don't know. I just find it hard to trust anyone who is basically just a therapist to make a living it's not about me as an individual it's about them just making money right?

I don't think it is either of those extremes. They're not your friend, but they're not doing this job just for the money. There are many ways to make money, and therapy is probably not the first choice for someone whose primary concern is money. There are many ways in which they could still be a poor therapist, I just don't think greed is a fair assumption to make. It seems you have a very black and white view....that is probably an unhelpful observation for you right now. Maybe this will be more helpful. Some things you said reminded me of this explanation by Tony Attwood about various issues in conducting therapy with aspies:

ETA: I can't stress enough the importance of finding a specialist, as I mentioned in my previous comment. It's like trying to communicate in two different languages if you have ASD and your therapist isn't trained in it, and you have to translate for them. It is, understandably, very difficult to work through your own depression and anxiety when you have to explain all of your thoughts, habits, needs, and ways of speaking to the therapist. You want them to be able to 'just get' at least a little bit of it.

Before I had a specialist, I found the only thing that worked was us prepping for specific situations together, like particular conversation I was planning to have--something socially delicate and stressful. Anything larger scale was beyond what she could understand or what I could express. Now that I have a specialist, the trust issues are less of a problem. Ymmv.

The last therapist told me there is no such thing as aspergers anymore she said it's all considered autism now.

Yup, she is right. Now it's all autism spectrum disorder under the DSM-V. Some people seem to use 'autism' or 'classical autism' or 'low-functioning autism' to refer to one end of the spectrum and ASD/ASC or 'high-functioning autism' to refer to the other (despite the fact that HFA was something separate from AS under DSM-IV)

 

[Balkan1996]

I just like animals better than people they don't judge me or hurt my feelings or be backstabbing.

I agree, but could an animal really hurt you? Animals lack in intelligence, the smartest animal is as smart as a 7 year old kid. Animals give you unconditional love, but humans are a species to themselves.

I have a dog myself, he is my best friend and I know exactly what you mean. Still, this attitude isn't good for you. Really, there are nice and smart people in the world. Shutting yourself in your private world won't help you find them. I love being alone, but it always feels good to talk to someone every once in a while.
We live in this 'beauty' culture where everything revolves around physical. People like YOU don't agree with it and that's why they suffer. You just can't make anyone's criteria because you disagree with them. And that's a great thing, because people like you change the world. There's a lot more people like you out there, but you won't recognize them at first sight. They found their way to deal with other people.

EVERYONE on this forum have been hurt by other people. Some more, some less.
Your problems don't define you as person, but how you deal with them does. Giving up is always the easiest option.

 

[Juliet8080]

There is hope! My psychologist works independently and is specifically an autism expert. Her LIFE is autism (though she's not autistic herself). She is so helpful and really takes steps to helping me and really listens and is super enthusiastic. I see her once a week. Keep looking, especially for one who specializes in autism and is maybe your gender too. I wish you could see mine. Good luck!

 

[Warmheart]

Robby, I am just stopping by to see how you are feeling today. Annoying, aren't I? I am worried about you. I truly do care. Please be gentle with yourself as you find your specialist to soon help you. I am sending you good thoughts today.

 

[royinpink]

Robby, I am just stopping by to see how you are feeling today. Annoying, aren't I? I am worried about you. I truly do care. Please be gentle with yourself as you find your specialist to soon help you. I am sending you good thoughts today.

Warmheart, you're great. I also wonder what's going on and stop by, but I'd never think to say anything! Silly me.

Keep hanging in there, Robby. This too shall pass.

 

[Robby]

Thanks for the comments. I'm trying to hold on best I can but's hard it's been a hard week. Going Monday to meet the therapist for diagnostic testing to see if I do have autism. Basically I'm pretty numb right now. I don't trust anyone & feel really disconnected. I don't feel like anyone hears or sees me. They just see outside & judge me. I don't do too well people, but yet I get really lonely. And I still have a lot of anger to people for being bullied in school because of my sexuality & dress. After I do the testing with this therapist I won't see her anymore because I just didn't click with her. I don't know if there's any therapist out there who can help.

I don't know where to go from here so I'm just going through the motions I don't see much hope for finding a job I actually like or where people won't constantly judge or backstab me and that goes for other gay and straight people both.

I just don't know how to get out of this maybe if I had some hope that things will get better but I don't have much of that, being independent, self sufficient, finding a job, those should be simple goals right? But they seem so impossible. I just don't know any more.

 

[Robby]

I just find it odd that none of my "friends" on facebook ever bother to ask me if I want to go out & do something or have a drink or something. I mean just that much compassion & one on one human companionship would be nice but I just don't get that. And I'm not going out by myself and stand there alone like a fool while noone talks to me like used to happen when I'd try to go out. I just feel really lonely and down & I feel invisible people talk a big game about caring but they don't just simple texts or calls would be nice but I get none. I'm just sick of things.

 

[Warmheart]

Thank you, Roy. I am always so happy to read you here.

Robby, I hear you. My hope is that your buddies ring you up for some together-time, to support you and help you feel included right now.

Monday is coming up soon, this is great that you'll get your assessment. This is a very positive first step to beginning to feel well. I will be keeping you in my good thoughts for your evaluation! It can only get better from here.

Please try not to worry too much about if you click with your therapist yet. Starting to see a therapist when in crisis, one has to battle one's own pain-colored perceptions of the therapist. We hurt so much, we feel our vulnerability, and we don't want to let someone near. This can make us view anyone coming close with distrust and aggression. This likely will pass. Please be patient with yourself and your therapist as you go through the process.

 

[Jaywalker]

I've been snowed in for the 4th day in a row nobody calls or texts to ask how I am or checks on me. I can't open my car because the doors are frozen and I'm running low on food. See this is why therapy is a waste. They talk a big game but they never call you to ask how you're doing or just a simple hello or hug when you see them.

I'm in no way trying to make light of your needs, but it sounds like you're expecting your therapist to be your friend. That isn't their job, and would violate important professional boundaries and ethics. (more detailed information)

Therapists should generally not hug their clients. Nor should a client expect a phone call from a therapist in the event of bad weather, except to cancel or reshedule an appointment.

Not saying "hello" seems a little extreme, though, unless it is outside the office, in which case the client should speak first and not expect more than a returned greeting. If they speak first, it could potentially reveal to a bystander that you are in therapy.

All that being said, not every therapist will be well suited to you. Not all people are compatible. When I worked as a tutor, I had some tutees seek me out specifically while others avoided me in favor of other tutors. My tutoring style worked well for some, but not as well for others. I can't imagine it would be any different with therapists.

Incidentally, we tutors were also ethically obligated to ignore our tutees when we encountered them away from the tutoring environment unless they greeted us first, for much the same reason therapists don't speak first outside their office.

It sounds to me like you could use a non-Internet based friend in whom you can confide. I realize how difficult it is for people on the spectrum to develop and nurture such friendships. Such a friendship can offer things that therapy cannot. Of course, therapy can offer things such a friendship cannot, so it shouldn't be an either or proposition.

 

[OliveOilMom]

First I want to say I'm sorry you have to go through this. It does suck.

Therapists aren't there to be your friend and care about you like a friend does. They never will, because there are boundries. They do care whether or not they help you get better. Going to a therapist who does that for a living usually means they have more education than someone who wants to listen to people and talk to them just to help them feel better. Crisis lines are full of people who volunteer to sit there and talk to people in crisis, but they don't really help you over the long term. Trained therapists are what you need for this kind of thing. While they shouldn't come across as fake, you can't expect them to treat you like a friend would. They control the conversation because there may be a point that they know is important and needs to be addressed. It may not be what you want to talk about at the time, but it might be what you need to talk about at the time.

I've been to many therapists in my time, and I had to go through several of them to find one that worked for me. I had severe panic disorder and agoraphobia and couldn't leave the house for a couple years there when my kids were little, and for about a year I couldn't even be alone without another adult because I'd have a disabling panic attack. I went through a lot of therapists looking for someone who would actually help and finally found one who did. Eventually she and I became friends away from therapy, and while that's not exactly ethical it didn't cause a problem because boundry issues weren't one of my problems. She was a lot like me because she used to have the same problems I did when her own kids were small. We got to be friends outside of therapy because I liked the way she came across during therapy, and she had already helped me with the anxiety and agoraphobia before we became friends.

As for the meds, I'd really suggest taking them. I had to have xanax for two years to get over the anxiety that I had and I couldn't recommend it higher to people. I took the smallest dose I could, but it controlled my anxiety. yes, I got physically dependent on it and had to wean off of it but I never abused it. I've also had severe clinical depression in the past and it took antidepressants to help me get over that. It took several weeks before they started working, but they did work.

What is it about the meds that's scaring you? I've done a lot of research on that type of med, so I'll be glad to tell you what I know about them.

It's important to find a therapist you are comfortable with though. With therapy, personality is important. You have to like their personality so you feel comfortable with them and trust them enough to talk to them. The note taking is very important because they need to be able to remember what you said. Some people record their sessions, others just take notes. They wouldn't have time to record sessions and then take notes from the recording later on. Most of them have patients all day long and then do their paperwork. If they took notes later, while listening to the recording they wouldn't have time for a life. They also have many patients and wouldn't be able to remember you from one session to the next. After going to the same one for a while, they do start to remember you and take less notes, but at first you should expect a lot of note taking.

Some therapists do believe in therapy animals, but many don't, and most don't have them in the office. You might be able to find someone if you call around, but I wouldn't think it would be that easy to find. Maybe you could make a short appointment to talk to the therapist in the office first before you decide to go into therapy. You could ask them for maybe 20 minutes of their time and do it like an interview. Give them a quick overview of your problems and then listen to them and ask them questions. If you don't feel comfortable, then don't make a therapy appointment. I know that I interviewed pediatricians and ob's and my midwife before I ever used any of them, so I'm sure somebody has asked to interview a therapist before they make an appointment.

You might want to mention to the therapist that you don't feel like they care or that they are coming across as fake. That could help them come across differently to you. Also, they aren't going to call and check on you unless you are in crisis or have a history of suicidal or unstable behavior or thoughts. Most therapists have many patients and if they were to emotionally invest in each one, could you imagine how much that would take out of them? Also, being emotionally involved will also ruin their objectivity. They may like you and think you are a nice person but they get emotionally involved in your life and treatment and still do the job right. My therapist and I got to be friends after my problem was treated and I was ok, I was just still seeing her in therapy as a place to vent and talk about some problems I was having, etc. She even said that we could never have been friends back when she was treating me for the agoraphobia and panic.

I do wish you luck. Please let me know what is bothering you about taking the meds, maybe I can ease your mind some. I've got a lot of experience with meds, and I'm paranoid whenever I take anything new.

 

[royinpink]

people talk a big game about caring but they don't just simple texts or calls would be nice but I get none. I'm just sick of things.

I can say that this probably isn't about you. Most people ask other people to go out when they want to go out, not when they think you do, and they expect you to do the same. They assume if you don't call/text, you are not interested.

The only person I can remember offhand just contacting me when they thought I would be down is a man more severely autistic (with disabling OCD) than I am--this when I lost my job, and it was obvious why I might be down. He was also very religious and I'm sure thought it was the Christian thing to do.

Even my best friends in the world assume that I am "just busy" or "don't want to talk" or am "doing well" if I don't contact them. I don't know why. They've both been depressed and I'm sure know what it's like...then again, they tend to be better at reaching out when they are in pain than I am. So, don't assume anything. They may be waiting for you to make the first move!

Their behavior may be a mystery to us, but perhaps they simply think it is normal for people who want social contact to reach out. This reminds me of part of Tony Attwood's article, "The Discovery of Aspie Criteria," in which he says:

No fault or finger-pointing intended, typical people are socially arrogant. It seems to be their nature, something they really can’t help. Proof in point: typical people are fascinated by – and concerned about - anyone who isn’t totally thrilled or enamored by their invitations to converse or play. How could this be? Typical people regard themselves as golden social opportunities; of course anyone should be delighted to be their partner in interaction. That is, if they are "normal".
​

When I read this, I had to ask my NT--and introverted--boyfriend if it was true because it's so alien to my way of thinking. He confirmed that it was. It works in reverse too--they assume you are the same, and you will regard yourself as a 'golden social opportunity', and that you will restrict any behavior of yours that is not in accord with that, not seeing openness and honesty as virtues in this respect.

Come to think of it, I think this is a big reason I made the friends I did--they are more similar to me on this point. My best friend has struggled with social anxiety and depression. Two other friends are probably aspies. One is so completely extroverted he could probably talk to a wall, but has no boundaries and is very blunt.

So...I'm not trying to say people will be nice. People are incredibly insensitive and judgmental. It may take a lot of searching to find ones you 'click' with. But--when you're ready, and not being ready yet is perfectly fine--you do have to make the first steps of that search.

 

[JKG]

Hi Robby. I've had good and bad therapists, too. I have a great one right now whose husband is an Aspie, is very compassionate, and seems to be doing the job because she genuinely enjoys helping people. She's doing what she loves (exercising her gifts), and making a living at it, which is something we all want, I think. As others said above, therapists can't operate as friends. But they should definitely be able to help you learn the skill-set you're asking for. That request is absolutely reasonable. By the way, it makes all the difference in the world to have someone who understands aspergers/autism in a deep and experiential way.

Like you, I could use some actual in-person friends, and have been brainstorming where I might find some. I'll share some of my own ideas here, in case they are of some use to you as well. I've thought about volunteering at the humane society, where I'll find not only animals in need of care and affection but also other people who love animals like I do. Friendships can often form around common interests. And volunteering sometimes provides an opportunity to learn new skills without the pressure of being formally employed. I've also thought about finding a liberal (open-minded) spiritual or religious community; they are generally very accepting and friendly (and they might be less likely to judge people based upon superficial things). And clergy are often the type of people who will look in on people in need, and visit, and try to help integrate individuals into a broader group. They also have committees one can serve on--and through those sometimes friendships can form. There's a Presbyterian church in my neighborhood that includes many gay couples, and I know at least one guy there with aspergers who loves it. So I thought I'd try it out. Are there any such opportunities where you live? Are there some organizations that care for animals in distress nearby that could benefit from your deep connection with them? Sometimes places that simply board animals while their people are on vacation, appreciate having people come by to play with, walk, and pet them. We comfort them and they comfort us.

 

[Robby]

Thanks for the comments everyone I'm still here & doing ok. Managed to set up a few upcoming therapy sessions & got my testing rescheduled which was cancelled due to the horrible winter weather. So I'm hanging in there, thanks again for the comments. I'm going to keep my expectations for therapy modest & just take it as it comes.

 

[Warmheart]

Robby, you rock! Your strength and natural resilience is great to see. Super positive attitude! I'm cheering you on.

 

[TragicKingdom]

Hello Robby,

I will have to say, I can relate to what you are sharing here.

I have been seeing therapists off-and-on for the last 15 years. The majority were wastes of my time and did not help me at all in any way, but, there are good therapists (Though difficult to find).

Fortunately, I have a new therapist and he is very professional and well-intentioned. We have a relationship where when I speak, he listens, and when he talks, I listen. It so far is a give and take relationship and it is working well.

I understand what you speak of. Once I had a therapist (Who was actually a Psychiatrist) that jumped out of her chair, literally, and stood over me yelling and pointing her finger in my face! I shut down and thought to myself "WHAT!??". In retrospect I should have sued the facility and got her fired.

 

[Greg]

I find for me that therapy is very helpful. I take meds but I find that therapy actually works better than any med ever has worked. I go once a week to my therapist and it is working great.

 

[Robby]

I still think most therapists is nothing but pure crap. They are total strangers so for the most part your one of many others they see and can't take a real personal stake in helping you. I mean sure there are those who care but there's that professional distance they have to have which I understand..What gets me is the patronizing cold demeanor they have, I mean most of the time I just end up tuning them out because they are so boring. Maybe if there was one who understood autistic people better. I don't know..But most of the one's I've seen have been ZERO help to me. I don't expect them to be my friend, but it seems that they would or could show a bit more interest & compassion instead of treating sessions like some boring meeting. I'm not a fan of therapy at all it mostly seems like crap to me.