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Just Got Here (On Many Levels)

Skittlebisquit said:
So what are you into? It sounds like life is pretty stressful for you now, do you have any interests or hobbies outside of work?
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Hi. I have classic issues drowning in my own little obsessions. I go through curricular phases (history->philosophy->science->math->...), but it’s generally reading. I do machine learning for work, which is a lot of programming and math, which I quite enjoy. Lately, I’ve been researching AI-based dialogue systems alongside theories of learning and behavior (behaviorism + ethology) because I suspect teaching an open-domain dialogue system could work with some preprogrammed linguistic and behavioral mechanisms - analogous to innate response mechanisms (IRMs) discussed in ethology and Chomsky’s “universal grammar” - and deep reinforcement learning (RL) used to condition verbal behavior in much the same way described by Skinner contra Chomsky.

I could go on about it all day, but there’s a brief look at what dominates my thinking right now. Almost everything else is an unwelcome distraction, including biological needs. I’ve always been this way, but now I can’t really control it.

Thanks for asking. This helps. Got any “hobbies” threatening to destroy your relationships and ability to function?
 
Actually, I can't even focus on my interests right now. Mostly I just do soothing puzzles and research differential diagnostics for autism in adults without learning disabilities. Am I really autistic? I can talk fine. I know my scripts. I can tell whether you're angry with me.

I have a generalist who says I'm schizoid with social anxiety and dissociative problems from childhood trauma, and I have a specialist in adult autism who says autism. Whom do I believe? Is there even a fact of the matter?

And these f*ing "strange stories" and eye/emotion tests for theory of mind. Do they really think I could make it to 35 and not learn how to tell the difference between angry and happy? Is it so hard to imagine an autistic adult understanding that making a patently false observation may be sarcasm? The problem is understanding why people feel, think and behave thus-and-so in real time, and knowing how to respond. So much of the established knowledge about this seems pretty absurd to me- I mean breathtakingly obtuse. If we're going to countenance the existence of intelligent adults with mild autism, why do we think they can't make relatively successful observations and conclusions about other people in that exhausting effort to perform in their world?

Rant over.
 
You just need to learn to hire help dude. Seriously, all the life support stuff. Like for instance you can drop off all the laundry somewhere and have it done for you. Pay someone to prepare decent food that's ez to prepare. Like basics. Simplify your life. That sounds pushy I guess, but it's what busy successful people do.

There is not anything wrong with what you are doing, in fact it sounds both cutting edge and lucrative, at least eventually. I dont really do much with technology. I always wanted to befriend some one with your skill set to help.me explain a life long project that currently resides in my kitchen and has spread to my desk. My tech knowledge base is so far out of date it's pathetic.

It's a joyous thing to have something to be passionate about, but if all the dishes have never been done all at once, at the same time as all the clothing is put away clean, at the same time that the domicile is clean enough to be safe, then that's a problem I have too.

Just a thought that maybe life support and adequate nutrition and exercise could help you to better cope. I identify as having anorexia, it's not about my thinking that I am fat or any of that, I just dont take time for nutrition, and that takes a toll. Poor diet and lack of exercise plus stress equals mental and emotional instability, which in me causes a spiral into darkness
 
Keep ranting it's ok. I know of what you speak. Schizoid issues and ASD can be co existant. There is alot of overlap in those which is why many autistic ppl are misdiagnosed as bipolar, borderline, schizoid, manic depressive and the like. It seems like the same issue can present itself in many ways at different times.
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Very intriguing, and thanks for sharing. All I can make out is a good bit of geometry and creativity. Happy to talk about programming if it's any use. Unfortunately, I only do statistical programming with R and Python. I know a fair bit about solutions architecture for data and machine learning, but I know relatively little about web dev or general software engineering.
 
At least here you can feel safe in expression and know that you are not alone
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Somehow the nodes in my modified sephiroth chart are supposed to represent values that change and affect eachother, but I can get close to it and sometimes even write it down but then I lose the thought which is like a movie in my head
 
The few people who have seen my models do not understand any of it. One person suggested that I put it all away so ppl did not think I was using witchcraft.

Unfortunately for me the social isolation is already a habit. The longer that goes on the more it seems self supporting
 
StreetMath said:
Recently diagnosed (age 35). Came out to parents for help with the formal diagnostic process. They suggested I find other people with this to get support. I'm independent and, until recently, I could behave myself incredibly well. Living situation changed. Burned out. Got diagnosed. It's a lot. That's about it.

Hi, by the way.
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Welcome aboard! I found this to be a good group, with members offering encouragement and moral support. Hoping you have a similar experience.
 
StreetMath said:
Actually, I can't even focus on my interests right now. Mostly I just do soothing puzzles and research differential diagnostics for autism in adults without learning disabilities. Am I really autistic? I can talk fine. I know my scripts. I can tell whether you're angry with me.

I have a generalist who says I'm schizoid with social anxiety and dissociative problems from childhood trauma, and I have a specialist in adult autism who says autism. Whom do I believe? Is there even a fact of the matter?

And these f*ing "strange stories" and eye/emotion tests for theory of mind. Do they really think I could make it to 35 and not learn how to tell the difference between angry and happy? Is it so hard to imagine an autistic adult understanding that making a patently false observation may be sarcasm? The problem is understanding why people feel, think and behave thus-and-so in real time, and knowing how to respond. So much of the established knowledge about this seems pretty absurd to me- I mean breathtakingly obtuse. If we're going to countenance the existence of intelligent adults with mild autism, why do we think they can't make relatively successful observations and conclusions about other people in that exhausting effort to perform in their world?

Rant over.
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You make some very good points here, I absolutely agree. I am self diagnosed after much research and having some relevant clinical experience working with people on the spectrum, plus a ton of relevant therapy training and lots of personal therapy prior to training, which ultimately put me in a good position to know what was changeable and what hasn't been changeable about my experience of the world and of interaction in it.

We use our knowledge and understanding as adults to make up for some of the deficits we experience, and to work out what's happening in the interactions we have. That can lead to fairly successful results. A bit like how some people with dyslexia, are able to ultimately achieve some excellent results in academic work, but will have spent double or treble the time on it.

It's tiring, and for us, unlike for those with dyslexia, leads to having a lifetime of undiagnosed efforts to cope, without some of the tools and support we need, (because if we do cope, many don't qualify for a diagnosis, apparently).
 
@Thinx The question then becomes How do we measure this extra effort?

I dunno, but it’s annoying that we’re the ones who have to worry about it. Psychology needs to raise its standards.

That aside, it sounds like you’ve had instructive experiences. Thank you for sharing. Whatever brought you here, I’m guessing it wasn’t easy.
 
Yes, as @Crossbreed said, you need an autism competent person to assess. That's unfortunately not always easy to get. And again, totally agree with you about game raising being needed. It's a big complex issue, where currently many think offering help is giving diagnosed children ABA. However useful this is to train the little ones into the ways of behaviour that work in schools, it's just literally that, at best.

We do need a better approach, and the best I see at present is the movement that promotes and advocates acceptance of neurodiversity so that it's understood better, not necessarily seen as a disorder, and helped with. Dyslexia testing, even ADHD testing, seem way more straightforward and also without involving denial that the person can have the issue whilst being a useful and able person with great potential.
 
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