Just realized my BF might be "on the spectrum"

[All-Rounder]

My boyfriend struggles with affection and doesn't talk about lovey things, except rarely.

At the same time it could be that these things about your bf are something else, like obsessive interests, just distance, etc. though he does strike me as more. You need to find a way to carefully talk to him about it and try to get a diagnosis if he honestly believes so too.

I understand your fear and the need to hide things from him, feelings, but this is not good for either of you. Like others have suggested, sooner or later, you have to talk about these things. Hopefully not too late.

 

[Catana]

"I myself became obsessed with figuring it out because I feel rejected----his solitary absorbing interests seem to be more important to him than love. Or is it just me? He has not had many lengthy relationships, by age 67, so maybe he's just shy and guarded. How can he not need me the way I need him?"

His actual diagnosis is comparatively irrelevant at this point, and no, aspies don't inevitably draw away eventually. But the above quote leads me to believe that your own position with regard to any relationship is unrealistic. You feel rejected, taking personally what are parts of his character. How will that work if you're actually living together? You think he should need you as much as you need him, but he obviously doesn't. You would be constantly blindsided and upset by the contradictions he poses, which are also part of his character. And I suspect that your belief that he must need you would lead to attempts to change him. You may both being living a fantasy about the other, and that's probably where you should keep it.

 

[sisselcakes]

Thank you for the responses. I love him very much but in my marriage I gave a lot and received less in return (my husband was a recovering alcoholic and we had some tough times) , and I don't feel I can survive getting my heart broken again. But my sweetie is the only man I want. He is beautiful. I hide my true emotions from him and never press him about anything and never ask for anything, but I always hoped for a future with him. Now I am seeing that that may not be possible, as he cannot abide change. (and maybe emotional closeness scares him? Maybe he has fears too?) I try to totally accept him the way he is and I try to pretend not to be needy. (which is a deception on my part) He is such a beautiful person and I want him in my life. But I have read that after the initial "honeymoon period", "Aspies" inevitably draw away. That's what scares me. In a way I was relieved to read that he "checks all the boxes" for high-functioning Aspergers, because that made me think, it's not that he doesn't love me, it's just that he is wired differently and does not express love (although he did when he was 18. After I broke his heart was when he turned to absorbing himself completely in various esoteric hobbies and pursuits) I am not asking him to change---- I just want to know, is this why he only wants to see me every 6 weeks? I felt it was because he didn't really love me. But does a person call someone every day for 2 years if they don't love you? Even my best friends don't call me every day!
I don't want him to get a formal diagnosis or do anything differently (except I wish he wanted to spend more time with me) I am just afraid this relationship will fade as the excitement of "new" sex (even though it's been great for 2 years) gradually dissipates. I need him, but I feel like he doesn't need me because he has his games, puzzles, songwriting, creative stuff, and enough friends where he is that he will never need me the way I need him.
Being with him has been pure pleasure (when we first reunited, we were both so euphoric--- having known each other since our teenage years it feels like home) but since the last visit (we did get into our groove after awhile but it wasn't as intense as it used to be) but I'm afraid it will go away. And the more I worry about it, the more likely that is what will happen.
Again, thank you for responses from folks who know so much more about this than I do. I do not want to lose him. He is unique and makes me laugh every day. But after a couple friends jokingly asked "is he on the spectrum" when I mentioned his peculiarities, it got me thinking. I was so hurt that he did not acknowledge the gift I sent. But maybe I sent it hoping to get a response, not just as a pure unselfish gesture. He has one surviving family member, his brother, whom he sees twice a year and does not tell him he loves him.
Thank you for any further insights you can offer. This possibility was a revelation to me and while it might be sort of a relief to know this is why he won't kiss me or say he loves me, I am scared the whole love affair will slowly fade away.

My bf whom I suspect is on the spectrum did not grow distant after a honeymoon stage but I think he stopped “acting”. When we first started dating he knew all the right things to say and do. Don’t think growing distant is a universal trait or tendency.

He may not have acknowledged the gift because he assumed you knew he liked it. My friend is married to someone with traits. She gets upset bécause he doesn’t say “I love you”. He responds “of course I love you. I’m married to you, aren’t I?” My bf rarely gives compliments so I felt he didn’t find me attractive. Once I asked him if I was pretty and he responded incredulously “You’re beautiful”! You should probably just ask him if he appreciated it.

 

[sisselcakes]

It was interesting to see the word "enemes". It helped me, to research and find out about that. This is new territory for me so I appreciate all the help (and tolerance for my previous ignorance.) I don't understand the reference to "a man who enjoys his crystal ball too much"?????
I have been working so hard to heal myself of the trauma caused by an emotionally abusive/recovering alcoholic husband who suffered so much, and I still can't get over watching him die of cancer ... so this is tough. Thanks for trying to help me clarify things in my mind and heart.

Considering you gave so much to your marriage, I think you should seriously consider that you will have to give a ton to this one too. Are you willing and/or ABLE to do that. Like you, I was easily hurt (overly sensitive) to my perception of my bf actions. It took a lot out of me

 

[magicpony1]

IDK, I think he is worth it, he is so special and we have so much fun. I think he just doesn't realize he is missing some of the stuff that a woman who'd been married 30 years is accustomed to, and is puzzled if it hurts me that he doesn't act completely consistently boyfriend-ish. Actions speak louder than words---at first he complimented me more, but he seemed to never question, ever, that this IS it and we were together and no need to question or reassure. One thing good about his tendency against change is that he calls every day without fail and will probably do so until we die! Well, I don't have much choice. I am hooked on him, he is adorable despite his hoarding quirks. I think he loves me even though he will not say the words. Maybe it's my path in life to evolve to not need that. I guess I'll find out. Meanwhile I try to enjoy the good parts and not stress about the parts that are missing, that I would expect in a "normal" relationship. Thank you.

 

[Wolfnox]

Good luck and raise a glass to better days together. Since o dont drink mine is water. But really GOOD WATER.

 

[sisselcakes]

IDK, I think he is worth it, he is so special and we have so much fun. I think he just doesn't realize he is missing some of the stuff that a woman who'd been married 30 years is accustomed to, and is puzzled if it hurts me that he doesn't act completely consistently boyfriend-ish. Actions speak louder than words---at first he complimented me more, but he seemed to never question, ever, that this IS it and we were together and no need to question or reassure. One thing good about his tendency against change is that he calls every day without fail and will probably do so until we die! Well, I don't have much choice. I am hooked on him, he is adorable despite his hoarding quirks. I think he loves me even though he will not say the words. Maybe it's my path in life to evolve to not need that. I guess I'll find out. Meanwhile I try to enjoy the good parts and not stress about the parts that are missing, that I would expect in a "normal" relationship. Thank you.

I found that my bf had a lot of trouble reassuring me when I was upset about something. Rather than listening and being supportive he would “dispute” what I said because it didn’t align with his perception of things.

I think it’s best to accept him how he is and to not have unrealistic expectations. I know it was hard for me to accept there were certain things my bf was never going to do, and not for a lack of caring.