Just what do I really need to do in order to have a relationship?

[Suzette]

I know nothing about manga (except Sailor Moon). For years I missread Krav Maga as Krav Manga and I thought it was a chain of comic book stores.

 

[Misery]

The percentage of autistic man that manage to get married and have a stable job is not very high. Don't forget that it's a lifelong disability and not everyone can find a way to work around it.

Ah, but here's the thing: That's absolutely not the whole story. The category would need to be chopped up much further to get an actual accurate reading on that one.

Case in point: myself, actually. I'm on the spectrum. I also tend not to give a flying fart about relationships (and frankly find the idea rather repulsive). I know I'm far from the only one on the spectrum to think this way. However, this point is not brought up nearly as often for those that experience it due to, well, a lack of reason to do so. After all, those who simply have zero interest in it will typically not consider it a problem (provided they consider it whatsoever).

The spectrum is really, REALLY wide... which tends to mean that operating by stats and percentages based on it not only doesnt work, but outright makes no sense. After all, the way autism manifests for one person could be almost the opposite of how it works for someone else. It's one of the things that likely adds to the difficulty of diagnosing it in the first place. There are people on the spectrum that crave contact with others... but then there is the opposite, those who thrive on solitude. Yet they're in the same "category".

In other words, there's plenty of times where the concept of "working around it" literally doesnt factor in to this particular topic.

I'm not 100% sure I'm explaining this correctly but that's the best I can do.

 

[Misery]

You know there are a dozen forums or websites where you can find the same advice for lonely man that suck at that dating, i have never seen it work on anyone tho.

Forgot this bit, wanted to respond to it too.

One reason why it often doesnt work is because most of these sites arent REALLY created to help you find people, just like Facebook isnt REALLY about socializing.

The true purpose of many such "services" is, well, the same as the real point of Facebook: To funnel you towards revenue-generating ads. It's why it's so hard to find truly good services of any sort on the Net, because SO MANY of them are like this. After all, that type of approach for a company requires DRASTICALLY less effort, but for often high payout.

That's far from the only reason they dont work, of course, but it's a lesson to learn about the Net as a whole: much of it is very, very deceptive.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

The spectrum is really, REALLY wide

Exactly. A very wide spectrum. Despite myself, and sometimes because of my tendencies I managed to have a varied and mostly successful career and a loving marriage. It took a lot of work and a bit of luck, yet in January of my 28th year I had little hope of a long term relationship and was wondering about a more remunerative career that would make me more desirable. I could not have predicted that I would succeed in what I desired and I was tired of my loneliness at that point.

 

[Markness]

@Markness

"I asked her out for coffee but she turned me down."

Do you remember the conversation verbatim?

What did you say?
What did she say?

I remember bringing the then current volumes of Fire Force to the register and we made some small talk about Soul Eater (Atsushi Ohkubo is the author for both). This was the third time I’ve talked to her (This was also in 2017.) and I thought it would be a good time to attempt a date. I asked “Would you like to get coffee sometime?” and she looked neutral. She replied “I don’t really like coffee.” and the fact she didn’t say no made me feel encouraged. I then said “It doesn’t have to be coffee.”, hoping for a save. She then said “Oh, I am too busy.” which left no wonder for me. I then said “Well, maybe later?” and I think she just replied with “Well…” as I walked away.

 

[tree]

So you are talking about an event that took place four years ago?

You were hitting on a person at her work.
I can see how that would be off putting.

 

[Markness]

So you are talking about an event that took place four years ago?

It feels like it happened longer than that but yes, it did happen four years ago.

Another time, I hung out with another guy and a girl. She got drunk and was all over him but not me.

I also tried to reach out to someone on a Meet Up group who apparently liked me but she never responded. In fact, she disappeared without a trace.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I don't think there's a certain code or anything. I guess you just sort of groom yourself nicely, act polite, friendly, and confident- yet humble, and make friends with women. For the lucky ones, eventually a friendship becomes more.

 

[Aspychata]

Rejection. You have to get use to dealing with rejection. Some men ask a 1000 woman out because they know they had success if just one answers yes.

Perhaps l mentioned this before. Many woman are occupied paying rent, paying bills, raising a child by themselves with no time. Some woman chose not to date for whatever reason. We all have wants and desires. Just because my wants and desires don't line up with yours doesn't mean that you or l are any less of a great person. It just means we don't fit into each other's idea of we want.

So deal with rejection. Woman approach men also. And men do tell woman *no*. And yes, it can bother us. I have usually entered into situations not anticipating anything. Then it can just flow.

Sometimes l wish you could spend more time developing yourself and your passions in life. Playing guitar, writing, etc. The more you develop these passions, you have a better chance of creating interest and meeting friends. From friends, something may blossom more.

 

[Suzette]

. I have usually entered into situations not anticipating anything. Then it can just flow.

I think this is key. It is hard to be conifident if you are afraid of rejection, you most probably won't be yourself and will be masking in a big way.

Also, it can be hard to be realistic too. People often get caught up in the idea that their perfect mate fullfills a qualifications list. Stuff like
They look a certain way
They prefer a certain food
They come from a certain background
They like to do xyz

But those things are superficial

When you start looking at true character, what they value, and how they truly behave then you find you are attracted to the most suprising people.

I remember being attracted to a man with cerebral palsy that I used to work with. He was not handsome, his movements were very awkward and he used 2 canes to get around. But he was smart, funny and kind. I was married at the time so there was no possibility of more than friendship. But the experience opened my eyes to what is truly important. "Attractiveness" is more often than not a measure of your own bias rather than some elemental pull as most of us think it is.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

When you start looking at true character, what they value, and how they truly behave then you find you are attracted to the most suprising people.

SO TRUE!

 

[Pieceofmind]

In my experience as dumb as it seems as long as you're open to it, it's just luck that depends on many factors as well as if your male or female. Mine came to me when I was least expecting it not even chasing anyone (don't do this ever, let things be natural). It was probably a one in a million chance happening since my area is very boring and has very little variety of people. You see the same people everywhere in this little network of towns. That alone has a lot of pros an cons, mostly cons if you're much different than most people. Be open with people, keep in touch with those you vibe with the most and if it's meant to be it'll happen rather quickly. Modern dating culture further muddied by pop culture has really screwed up the way relationships naturally unfold. Painting it more like a disposable status symbol than a mutually beneficial life experience about unconditional love despite the ups and downs you have.