Large age gap relationships

[Jonn]

I'm 33 and my husband is 61. Every sexuality must be approved of these days except relationships with an age gap this large. It seems people are still allowed to judge and stigmatise it.

While I don't get offended by people's opinions on this, I do feel it should be accepted just as much as gay couples are accepted. Why is it so bad for two consenting adults with a lot of years between them to date each other?
To add the stigma even further, I met him when I was 24, meaning he was 52.

There will always be judgmental ppl looking to pull others down.
Part of humanity's toxic psychology.
What cha gunna do?

 

[Jonn]

And most humans are dumber than a bag of rocks and obsessed with having an opinion on everything anyone else does, that's just the reality of it.

"True dat."

Most ppl react emotionally rather than rationally, embracing their more primitive "reptilian brain", according to studies/surveys.
I see it as "Social Status Jockying", virtue-signalling, and/or simple social brainwashing.
Perhaps ppl should focus more on improving themselves rather than pulling others down.

As Kamahl would say:
"Why are people so unkind?"

 

[Jonn]

 

[Twilight]

Claiming that people are unkind or evil just because they disagree with someone over a given topic seems a bit extreme to me. Some people are against large age gaps because they've experienced harm related to an unequal power dynamic in a relationship or even something like sexual grooming. Whatever the case may be, people are entitled to their viewpoint. It doesn't make them unkind, evil, or thinking with their reptilian brain. This topic is much more complex and nuanced than that.

 

[Twilight]

This is perhaps in part linked to the #MeToo movement, which placed increased attention on power dynamics in relationships. Some argue a significant age-gap, combined with the social and economic power that men wield in a male-dominated society, can leave young women in a vulnerable position. One study conducted shortly after #MeToo took hold shows that many outsiders believe that there’s an aspect of exploitation in age-gap relationships. Researchers found young people were particularly averse to relationships in which the male partner was older, and posited this was because they assumed that the relationship was exchange-based – for example, that people were exchanging sex for a certain lifestyle.

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220317-age-gaps-the-relationship-taboo-that-wont-die

 

[Twilight]

Obviously, your mileage may vary. Some couples have happy and successful relationships regardless of what some of the research seems to indicate. I'm just pointing to some reasons why people may have an averse reaction to such relationships. It's not as simple as what some may think.

Meanwhile, an Australian study from 2017Trusted Source found:

• Heterosexual couples with large age gaps had a faster decline in relationship satisfaction in their first 6 to 10 years of marriage than similarly aged couples.
• Couples with an age gap of 1 to 3 years (with the man older than the woman) were the most common and had the greatest levels of satisfaction.
• Relationship satisfaction decreased
  Relationship satisfaction decreased slightly for couples with age gaps of 4 to 6 years and continued to decrease for couples with an age gap of 7 or more years.

A Korean study from 2015Trusted Source found that age gaps in long-term relationships could impact each partner’s likelihood of experiencing depression. In particular, it found that same-aged couples had the lowest rates of depression, while couples with an age gap of 3 years or more had slightly higher rates.

In short, research seems to indicate that in many cultures, an age gap of 1 to 3 years is considered ideal — but some researchers suggest even a relationship with an age gap of less than 10 years will bring more satisfaction.

Still, numbers rarely tell the full story when it comes to love. It’s possible to be much older or younger than your partner and have exactly the right relationship for you.

Research from 2014
Research from 2014 connects marriages with larger age gaps with higher rates of divorce, although further research is necessary to confirm this link. But just because this link exists, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/age-difference-in-relationships#will-the-relationship-work

 

[Jonn]

Things I wish people would remember and respect when it comes to acceptance of others:

1. People need to mind their own business when it comes to others and stop volunteering their opinions. Some need a little reminder:

Agreed.
"Agree to respectfully disagree" is my philosophy.

My partner and I were brutally mocked because of our large age gap.
Having an opinion and humiliating ppl are two separate things.
I am sure everyone can see that.

 

[Jonn]

You're in your thirties, and he's in his sixties. I don't think there is a social stigma. I mean, people will tease.

Teasing and mocking are two separate things.

 

[Jonn]

But when people start calling it ''creepy'' and ''disgusting''

I have come across ppl like that.
I ignore them and question their maturity.

 

[Jonn]

Tolerance and respect: Not intentionally harming another person or another group whose beliefs are different than your own. That doesn't mean you have to be a proponent of said lifestyle; it means we should all "live and let live".

"Live and let live."
"Different strokes for different folks."

The problem seems to be that some ppl are so damaged by certain situations that they adopt a mindset of seeing the possible exploitative potential of what might be the motivation involved.

Yes, there are bad older ppl out there, but ignoring the fact that exploitation happens in similar age group couples highlights an inherent ageist bias.
Ageism is also bigotry.

 

[Misty Avich]

Ageism is also bigotry

Exactly. It should be. I get that some people may mistake a large age gap relationship to not be genuine but to go around calling them creepy or disgusting is bigotry, especially for the older person.
And to think that some people actually believe that age gaps as big as 6 years is creepy or disgusting, or thinking that a 25-year-old dating a 35-year-old is wrong.

My cousin's girlfriend is 22 and he's 29. I guess people online have bigoted views on that too. But my cousin is one of the most sweet and gentle guys you can meet and is not with her for exploitation. She met him when she was 19 and he was 26. But at 19 you are over the age of consent. They are a very decent and mature couple.

 

[Jacks Brain]

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220317-age-gaps-the-relationship-taboo-that-wont-die

Do women really want a man at an equal or lesser level of power than themselves? I don't blame women for wanting the powerful man who can put her in a big house in a safe neighborhood, raise his kids without financial worries, lift her whole family out of poverty. IMO a young woman should look for a man who has made his way in the world, not a similarly aged boy who might make it one day. She should be having children when her reproductive system is most able.

 

[Jacks Brain]

But large age gap relationships haven't quite become protected yet, unlike everything else.

I believe large age gap relationships were accepted in the past, and are only becoming taboo as we "modernize." In the past the man had to provide for his family, the government wouldn't do it; and as I pointed out earlier, that's an older man. If there is no birth control and she is definitely having kids, is a woman going to choose the older man who's had stable income for a decade, or the boy with two cents in his pocket and a lot of big dreams? The craving for older, settled men seems logical enough to me.

 

[Twilight]

Do women really want a man at an equal or lesser level of power than themselves? I don't blame women for wanting the powerful man who can put her in a big house in a safe neighborhood, raise his kids without financial worries, lift her whole family out of poverty. IMO a young woman should look for a man who has made his way in the world, not a similarly aged boy who might make it one day. She should be having children when her reproductive system is most able.

I wouldn’t want to date someone who had more power than me.

Speaking personally, I would only date someone who was relatively close to me in age, perhaps within 7 or 8 years or so - plus or minus.

A difference of 1-3 years appears to be the most common based on data here:

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/age-difference-in-relationships#will-the-relationship-work

 

[Ella Spell]

I'd be concerned by a shift in the power dynamic if one person was consistently attracted to someone of a significantly higher or lower age. There's a lot of psychology involved in that, like looking for maternal / paternal replacement, looking for ego gratification, or even being codependent. I'd be concerned if one party was developmentally delayed, especially the younger party, or if the older party demonstrated any signs of abuse like alcoholism, substance abuse, emotional abuse, or financial dependence. That all runs a lot deeper than a person's age, but when combined with an age imbalance it does set off a few possible alarm bells.

I don't think it's a sign of bigotry to worry about the potential for these dynamics especially when statistics prove LAG relationships often suffer over time. I think it's ironic when people who demand that this should be acceptable also berate others with different opinions. That's like the pot calling the kettle black, imo.

That being said, I've always dated men who are somewhat older than I am. I've never been comfortable with my own age group even for platonic friends, male or female. My boyfriends have ranged from 7 to 14 years older, which I don't actually consider a LAG compared to what some others have.

 

[Ella Spell]

It was also odd to me that some people worry about a difference of opinion indicating evil or bigotry, but yet they judge other people's relationships. One example I can think of is that I was judged for having a sexual relationship with my boyfriend of four years. The content of my sex life was judged harshly by people who insist that no one else's relationship or sexuality should be judged. I'm wondering if it means those people who judged me and my partner are evil or bigoted, according to those videos? That's something I'll look into in keeping with the theme of this thread. If they aren't evil or bigoted perhaps it's a matter of immaturity on their part.

 

[All-Rounder]

There are people with a mental maturity of 12 dating people in their 60s though they have adult bodies, that's where it's not a good idea and illegal. you're dating your daughter and a child mind kinda thing.

I won't understand the fun in it, as an adult being around children is boring, and people say it would be so fun for kids to keep asking them questions. That's morbidly boring. I'd rather talk to an adult anyday. That's also one of the many reasons I'm not interested in having children, I'm not passionate about them.

 

[All-Rounder]

"I think this was an unfortunate comparison." - depends where you live. My country is really against lgbtq sometimes, while in the US it has become against the opposition. Extremist views are too popular with humans.

 

[All-Rounder]

Even when I expressed things in a general sense people still said it was a personal attack. My argument has always been that if it is a general statement then it's OK, but apparently that isn't so whenever I make a general statement.

I just can't see the double standards and I think that large age gap relationships deserve the same respect as LGBT. Some similar age gap relationships or LGBT can be creepy but if anyone was to say that, they would be shamed and hated, even worse if it was a general statement. But large age gap relationships haven't quite become protected yet, unlike everything else.

Yep, a classic case of people tooting their own horn only, disrespecting everyone else's.

 

[All-Rounder]

"We also don't choose whom we fall in love with. We can choose to stop the contact but feelings are feelings. "

This, which also answers:

Also this. Can't see why a lot of posters have misunderstood what I'm talking about. I was just saying that people in this day and age should be as accepting with large age gap relationship as we are with gay couples.

I have heard someone say that large age gap relationships are ''creepy'' and it was accepted. I don't tend to respect people based on written rules, I respect people from within. So even if I went on to a site where homophobia wasn't against their rules I would still respect gay couples. I hate homophobia.
I get everyone has opinions, but isn't it disrespectful to call large age gap relationships creepy? That's the stigma, and not all large age gap relationships are based on sexual exploitation. I don't choose to be attracted to older men, just like gay people don't choose to be attracted to people of the same gender.

I hope I have explained this clear enough.

Well more so the remark you don't choose who you are or who you like [lgbtq] if you're gay. But truth is you don't choose it whether or not you're gay.

That's why I didn't mention lgbtq because it's universal.