Letting go

[sarepta]

I will try to keep this first one short.
When I first came to this forum I wrote about how I had met a wonderful woman this summer. How we developed a close relationship, but then she ended it quite abruptly because of her physical illness.
I didn't know how to deal with it, and I got a lot of different advice from people here. (Thank you!)
I chose to go for a friendly aproach. In the beginning I send her a couple of emails a week, just talking a bit about this and that and telling her I hoped she was well. After getting no responses to this I asked her if my emails bothered her, in which she replied with a "yes", so I apologized and stopped emailing her.
I still continued to like her facebook-posts, though. And the other day she restricted my access to her profile, which I took as a sign that she didn't appreciate the "likes" either.

So here I am, deciding it's probably time for me to move on. And it feels totally wrong. Reading a post from earlier today - How many heard "I'm done" from friends? -
I keep thinking I don't want to be one of those people who quit on another person because she is incapable of communicating with me at the moment.
At the same time I guess I probably have no choice. The situation makes me sad and I can't stop thinking about how she might see me as more of an intrusive stalker than a faithful friend.

So, well... I guess I'm just an NT asking for some support, really...

Edit: NT female, that is

 

[Isadoorian]

I'd say give her her space; perhaps she needs some time to herself to think about all this stuff as well and wishes to not be disturbed in any way

 

[Bolletje]

There’s a difference between being incapable of communicating and not wanting to communicate. To me, it sounds like the latter is the case for her. You’ve made it clear to her that you would rather keep in touch, she made it clear that she doesn’t, at least not now. Take a step back and move on. If she wants to reconnect, she’ll probably let you know.

 

[sarepta]

There’s a difference between being incapable of communicating and not wanting to communicate.

Not going to try to argue on that.
But, in general, how can an "outsider" know the difference? I read about people pushing others away, though they don't want to, and express sadness because people disappear from their lives.
Some also express anger because NT's, like me, can't deal with challenges that might appear when socializing/communicating with persons on the spectrum.

I guess I wanted to try to be an NT that could deal with it, but I obviously failed bigtime. Both in my interpretation of what was going on and my attempt to "deal with it".

(Wish I could express myself more clearly in english. If I come out as ignorant I really don't mean to)

 

[Judge]

Not going to try to argue on that.
But, in general, how can an "outsider" know the difference? I read about people pushing others away, though they don't want to, and express sadness because people disappear from their lives.

It's no consolation, however sometimes it can be incredibly difficult for some of us to even explain it to ourselves. Where we exist in a constant struggle of both craving and loathing the company of others.

You may have become involved in someone who cannot clearly discern one from the other. And it's even conceivable that they may never be able to do otherwise. Sad, but true.

For some of us, such a dynamic is very much part of our world, for better or for more often, worse. IMO it takes much sacrifice for most NTs to want to sustain a long and meaningful relationship with us.

 

[sarepta]

For some of us, such a dynamic is very much part of our world, for better or for more often, worse.

Yes, that is one of the many things I have learned after reading a lot of posts here and for me it's probably one of the things I find the most heartbreaking.

 

[Judge]

Yes, that is one of the many things I have learned after reading a lot of posts here and for me it's probably one of the things I find the most heartbreaking.

It's more or less cost me all of my relationships with NT females. Though at a time when I had no idea I was on the spectrum. Though quite honestly even with hindsight there's no guarantee that self-awareness in itself can prevent a relationship from terminating for such reasons.

So here I am...an old man and very much alone.

 

[oskar]

?

I never initiate conversation and rightfully so.

 

[Gritches]

I try not to comment on "relationship" threads because mine have all crashed and burned, but I am damn good at doing damage control.

This is the way I'd play it - the actual wording of the letter in bold italics with explanations in brackets[]:

I'd send her one last message. Even if it has to be through a mutual friend or something, get this one last message to her:

Hey, I think I've finally read the writing on the wall [she hasn't sent any sort of clear message about what it is she actually wants. This statement just says "alright, I get it" even if you don't actually "get it". Doesn't really matter]. Sorry if I was a bit dense [admitting wrongdoing on your part in the form of self-deprecation], I just thought it would be better to be supportive of you since you're not feeling well [it's true and it's an explanation of the behaviors she finds undesirable]. We shared some good times together, and I didn't want you to feel like I had abandoned you in your hour of need [and this sentence ties it all together. The summary of the subtext of this first paragraph is, "I didn't get it before, I get it now, I was wrong, but I was just trying to help and didn't want you to feel abanadoned].

But you've made it clear that you no longer wish to communicate [if you're horribly wrong about that, she'll correct you], which is your decision and yours alone to make [shows you respect the boundaries she's putting up]. I will respect your decision and your wishes, and you no longer have to worry about hearing from me [this is all about re-assurance. Women seem to feel straight-up threatened by a guy talking to them if they don't want to talk]. If you ever change your mind, I'm not hard to find, but you've moved on and now so will I [Bam! Nail in the coffin. It's over, chica, and by making the "so will I" part of the statement it's no longer that she left you, it's that you left each other.]

I wish you a long, happy, healthy life, and I will always cherish the time we spent together [This is the final "goodbye" as you pull out of the driveway and start driving down the street towards your new life after love].

Love,

(You)

Just by declaring that you're "letting go", you put a lot of the power back into your hands. I just re-checked, and you never used the term "girlfriend" or anything like that, but that's the vibe I'm getting. You care for her deeply, and you're trying to salvage the relationship. Women seem to be more...decisive than men on when the relationship is over. Ooo, I get to quote Pagan Min: "women, they say they love you in the moment and really mean it, but men...no, men only love in hindsight, when too much time has passed." That's probably a paraphrasing but I'm hugging my I-Don't-Care-Bear right now so it's all good.

Also, I just read in one of your other posts that English is your second language. I tend to rely on metaphors and slang, so if you like what you're reading here feel free to ask for clarification. Or call me a jerk and probable sociopath. Either way.

 

[OkRad]

Whenever I dated NTs (which was not often because I have not dated a lot..), I always had to be "on" to communicate and see them. By "on" I mean acting as NT as I could, faking as much extroversion as possible, and bending myself into contortions.

If I had been sick, too, I am not sure I could have done it.

But when I am around Aspies, it's different. We get each other and we don't have to always be "on" to communicate. It could be that she is overwhelmed with being sick AND trying to be as NT as possible. She may fear you would not understand the level of introspection and feeling that she is experiencing and be able to connect on that level. She could explain it, but it's not your neurology.

That said, I know there are people here married to NTs so I cannot say what she thinks, other than that yes, I think she made it 100% clear and I am sorry she blocked you like that. You are clearly very caring about her so it's sad that you really like her and she is totally closing you out, but it would be best if you moved on. If the pressure is off, she may feel more open to be friends again.

 

[OkRad]

I try not to comment on "relationship" threads because mine have all crashed and burned, but I am damn good at doing damage control.

This is the way I'd play it - the actual wording of the letter in bold italics with explanations in brackets[]:

I'd send her one last message. Even if it has to be through a mutual friend or something, get this one last message to her:

Hey, I think I've finally read the writing on the wall [she hasn't sent any sort of clear message about what it is she actually wants. This statement just says "alright, I get it" even if you don't actually "get it". Doesn't really matter]. Sorry if I was a bit dense [admitting wrongdoing on your part in the form of self-deprecation], I just thought it would be better to be supportive of you since you're not feeling well [it's true and it's an explanation of the behaviors she finds undesirable]. We shared some good times together, and I didn't want you to feel like I had abandoned you in your hour of need [and this sentence ties it all together. The summary of the subtext of this first paragraph is, "I didn't get it before, I get it now, I was wrong, but I was just trying to help and didn't want you to feel abanadoned].

But you've made it clear that you no longer wish to communicate [if you're horribly wrong about that, she'll correct you], which is your decision and yours alone to make [shows you respect the boundaries she's putting up]. I will respect your decision and your wishes, and you no longer have to worry about hearing from me [this is all about re-assurance. Women seem to feel straight-up threatened by a guy talking to them if they don't want to talk]. If you ever change your mind, I'm not hard to find, but you've moved on and now so will I [Bam! Nail in the coffin. It's over, chica, and by making the "so will I" part of the statement it's no longer that she left you, it's that you left each other.]

I wish you a long, happy, healthy life, and I will always cherish the time we spent together [This is the final "goodbye" as you pull out of the driveway and start driving down the street towards your new life after love].

Love,

(You)

Just by declaring that you're "letting go", you put a lot of the power back into your hands. I just re-checked, and you never used the term "girlfriend" or anything like that, but that's the vibe I'm getting. You care for her deeply, and you're trying to salvage the relationship. Women seem to be more...decisive than men on when the relationship is over. Ooo, I get to quote Pagan Min: "women, they say they love you in the moment and really mean it, but men...no, men only love in hindsight, when too much time has passed." That's probably a paraphrasing but I'm hugging my I-Don't-Care-Bear right now so it's all good.

Also, I just read in one of your other posts that English is your second language. I tend to rely on metaphors and slang, so if you like what you're reading here feel free to ask for clarification. Or call me a jerk and probable sociopath. Either way.

Wow! This was very well written and clear.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

you need to leave this individual alone until she initiates contact with you.

the whole illness thing could have been the excuse she chose in order to distance herself from you. she clearly has no desire to be in contact with you and yes, it's time to move on.

 

[sarepta]

@Gritches Thank you for that long and thoughtful response. A lot of what you are suggesting I write to her I feel I already did when I apologized for emailing her in the first place. So I think I got the message through. And even though it sounds tempting to shift the feeling of power, regarding whos decision it was to end the relationship, I think I should just try to let it go without contacting her anymore.

Oh and metaphors and slang are all good! As is Far Cry

(Also I added to my initial post that I am a woman. I realize there's probably a lot of differences between men and women that i have never really given much thought and I forget to point out in my posts that I am female.)