Literalism and situational interpretation

[Suzette]

Since the idea of being on the spectrum is new to me, I have been looking at each situation differently than before, and I am making myself laugh because of how messed up my interpretation of certain situations has been.

Just now, for example, my husband walked into the yard where my mother and I were sitting. He was getting ready to do dome work on our car and was wearing old clothes that I have patched and mended many times. When he left the yard my mother commented that clothes of the type my husband was wearing were on sale and, since my husbands birthday is coming up now would be a good time for her to shop "with direction" from me.

This comment gave me big, red warning flashes...ut oh. My body was telling me it is a trap.

"Do you mean what size?" I asked her. But I find that cryptic statement "with direction" confusing. She mentioned clothes like he was wearing, so to me, you mean exactly that. Clothes that look like what he has on. What more could you need to know besides size?

My mother and I often have these interactions that rub us both the wrong way. For her I appear a bit hostile. For me, she appears vague and unclear.

In the past I would interpret this clash as a deliberate attempt in her part to maintain coercive control as I have to scramble to understand her.

But now that I am aware that my literal interpretation is perfectly normal from the spectrum perspective, I find it rather funny.

 

[Judge]

Frankly it's something that weirds me out. Mostly because I am anything but consistent about what I may or may not take literally. No apparent patterns to my own thought process! Similar somewhat to my inability to process sarcasm at times.

Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't.

 

[Varzar]

I find I still get into issues not so much with literalism, but with attempting to use emphasis in expressions.

For example:
Wife: Do you want Chinese food?
Me: If I was going to eat something, I'd rather it be pizza. (Pizza being a favourite food, Chinese being something I don't care for).

To me this statement is more about emphasizing that I REALLY don't want Chinese food. But it's my wife that often seems to take it literally, and will then ask where I want to get pizza. Which results in me feeling frustrated and saying something like, "I didn't say I wanted pizza.".

If I had instead said: I'd rather eat a million other things than eat Chinese!
Would she then assume I wanted to eat a million other things?

Perhaps my way of emphasizing isn't clear enough. Something I'm still struggling with.

 

[Tom]

It is I think very true that NTs have in a way a whole secret language we do not understand. It's not intentional. In consists of double meanings, shifting meanings by inflections, figures of speech, etc, that they learn thru social interaction over many years. Part is I think is because social interaction (and perhaps social standing/status) is such an important aspect of their lives.

 

[Tom]

P.S. I would have initailly wondered if your Mom meant there were pre-worn, patched and mended clothes available now at stores. (To an extent that has long been the case with jeans)

 

[Judge]

I find I still get into issues not so much with literalism, but with attempting to use emphasis in expressions.

For example:
Wife: Do you want Chinese food?
Me: If I was going to eat something, I'd rather it be pizza. (Pizza being a favourite food, Chinese being something I don't care for).

To me this statement is more about emphasizing that I REALLY don't want Chinese food. But it's my wife that often seems to take it literally, and will then ask where I want to get pizza. Which results in me feeling frustrated and saying something like, "I didn't say I wanted pizza.".

If I had instead said: I'd rather eat a million other things than eat Chinese!
Would she then assume I wanted to eat a million other things?

Perhaps my way of emphasizing isn't clear enough. Something I'm still struggling with.

Good point. For us, context can be crucial, even over a seemingly benign subject.

 

[Rasputin]

My biggest communication problem is that I suck at small talk. I might make an observation and comment on a problem relevant to the person I am talking to, and the other person becomes offended or hurt. I am famous for this, and for always being truthful.

I also take comments literally at times.

 

[Barymore]

Things that drive my wife mad:

She: the trash needs to be taken out.
Me: you're right. (Not taking the trash out)

She: I'm doing laundry, do you have anything white that needs washing?
Me: Yes. (Not fetching my whites)

She: I love you.
Me: Thanks.

etc. etc.

Sometimes I do wonder how she keeps her spirits up with me!

But we have both worked on our communication and she is much more literal now and I realise more often that there is a request / another layer to her statement.

But as a rule I do tend to straight up tell people that I take things very literally and to please be clear. Often I will repeat what I understood them to have said and say "so what you are saying is......" works well.

 

[Judge]

It does make me wish that more people understood just how "binary" we can be about most everything. That for many of us it's more often a default response. Meaning you want to be far more specific with an autistic person than to respond ambiguously to even the most benign of issues.

Yet in all fairness I should add that this can be our weakness at times, given how much in this world is anything but binary in nature.

 

[Suzette]

Thank you so much for these comments.
I watched a video this morning that addressed this very issue and, until then, I had no idea that I even took things literally. Now here you all are, demonstrating that very thing.
I am in awe? Relieved? Grateful? Maybe all of them.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I always tell my wife if there is multiple ways of doing something I will find another she never even thought of and that is usually how I would end up doing it.

 

[Aspychata]

My same issues with my mother, she always is talking alien english and l think what? What is she really saying?

I need to get to the sole purpose of the comment which then makes me come across as anal ocd crazy cat woman and then l think the village idiots will come after me with torches.

So let's not talk please, how about sign language, my hands are now saying don't let the door hit your arse as you exit, and don't forget your torch.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

We have been married going on 41 years sometimes not sure how.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I relate so much to this thread

 

[Thinx]

Living with a partner has definitely made me more aware of my different take on language in interactions. But I am also quite good at understanding what people really mean, or at least that they mean something other than the literal message, I guess after years of relevant trainings and assuming subtext/agendas.

 

[DK’s_Ghost]

Since I studied English at uni, I’m often pretty good at hearing double entendres and underlying themes. The thing it didn’t teach me was how to know when people are literally saying the opposite of what they mean.

Mostly this is a problem at work. I remember getting into trouble at work for doing things slowly when someone said ‘quick as you like’ - and I really wanted to do the thing in a relaxed way. Apparently, that’s not what that means.

Another one was getting into trouble at another job because a manager asked if I wanted her to do a task that I didn’t have time for. I said ‘yes, thank you! That would be wonderful’. Apparently she wasn’t really offering.

I think these things went wrong because there was a social context that other people were using alongside what they actually said. Apparently, my manager was too senior to really be offering to help me by doing a task. I should have assumed she wasn’t really offering, even though her manner was in no way obviously sarcastic when she said it.

Thing is - seniority is irrelevant to me. It doesn’t make any sense for people to interact and add a whole load of nonsense authority and subordination to a situation. I think this is another thing that makes me different from NT’s. I have absolutely no desire to control other people, or have power over them. So authority structures are completely pointless to me.

Responsibility, however… now that’s useful. To have someone assigned to make decisions about X while someone else is assigned to make decisions about Y, according to their skills, is just good delegation. It’s practical. That part makes sense.

 

[DK’s_Ghost]

Actually, thinking about this, I realised where my biggest problem is when it comes to literalism and interpretation.

My biggest problems are caused by people interpreting my words as having hidden meaning. I’m very literal and precise in my speech and it’s quite regularly that I’ll say something and not realise that it has an alternative meaning that is potentially hostile or dismissive. This is especially true if I’m talking about a special interest or similar, because I get lost in my own context and forget I’m talking to another person who may have their own interpretation.

In general, I don’t have a lot of feelings. This is probably partly alexithymia and partly that I genuinely don’t have quite the emotional undercurrent that a lot of people have. People assume all kinds of odd things about my feelings and intentions from what I say - and the assumptions seem, at best, barely related to the situation. It’s very odd, and causes a lot of trouble.

 

[Progster]

My greatest difficulty is when I ask a direct question designed to elicit a specific yes or no, or factual response, and then get an indirect reply. This leaves me none the wiser and I have to ask my question again.

Also have difficulties with tone of voice. I ask a lot of questions to understand things better, and I've recently been told that I come across as aggressive when I don't mean to be. I have no idea of how I sound to others, whether I come across as aggressive or not.

Wife: Do you want Chinese food?
Me: If I was going to eat something, I'd rather it be pizza. (Pizza being a favourite food, Chinese being something I don't care for).

My interpretation of this would be that you didn't want to eat anything at all, because of the 'if' conditional clause, which introduces a hypothetical situation and not a real one.

 

[Barymore]

@Progster - I get that "tone" thing so often....... either I come across as arrogant or aggressive. Then no one replies at all to what I feel I actually said and I'm like "what just happened?" so often I am left wondering why other people dont just focus more on the content, THE CONTENT people!

And yes, the asking questions itself can seem aggressive to some to (I still only get that in an abstract way.....) I think it has to do with them feeling they are being doubted in some way. I'm just interested. I like dissecting things metaphorically to understand the mechanics of them. Statement like "I paint" are totally unsatisfactory... I'm then like: what things do you paint? what medium do you use? why do you like painting? etc etc.
too much for many people, I guess.

I feel you!

 

[Suzette]

I just remembered an incident that happened a long time ago that made me feel like I was in kindergarten.

I was applying to a beauty school and had to complete an in person interview. During the interview the administrator had me cut out the outline of a hand from paper. The intention, I now knoe, was to anylize my dexterity. But at the time I was hyper focused on following instructions. The outline had a dot at the start of the wrist, about 1/3 of the way up the paper and the words "start here". I was perplexed by this as I really didn't know what they wanted me to do. So I stared at this dot for a full minute.

The easiest thing to do was to cut into the paper at the edge, but if I did that I would not be starting on the dot as instructed. So I decided they wanted to check my problem solving skills. I then had a choice. I could fold the paper at the dot and make a little nick to insert the scissors, but the nick would not be on the dot precisely. In the end I stabbed into the paper eith the scisdors through the middle of the dot to begin my outline cut.

I completed cutting out the hand outine but as I got to the wrist area again, the outline ended and did not vivisect the wrist from the rest of the paper to complete the hand cutout. So I just left the hand cutout attached to the paper at the wrist.

Perhaps literalism is my super power? Ha ha!