Loneliness & the need for friendship?

[Soup]

I figured it was time to try starting a thread.

Many members seem to be indicating that they want to be able to form friendship & feel a need for that sort of live person camaraderie but can't quite seem to make it work very well due to their Aspie tendencies (I'd argue that the problem is due to the grievous limitations NTs endure).

I'm waaay out there in the Aspie scale in this regard. I feel no desire or impetus to form face to face friendships whatsoever. I can't recall the last time I deliberately met up with another person for a purely social reason. I mean deliberately: not some family event I got badgered into attending or dragged off to. It's not that I'm afraid of people: I'm just indifferent to most of them. I don't seek out the companionship of kangaroos either but apparently that's fine. There are some people I really don't like at all but that's true for Aspies as well as NTs (& even dogs & cats).

As a kid, I made friends by aping friendly behaviours I'd observed other kids enacting. I kept up the dance into my teens but by my late teens, I was getting NT imitator's burn-out. Why was I subjecting myself to all that stress? I was doing what I'd always been taught (NT norms) I was supposed to do. I was supposed to want to hang out with other girls. I was supposed to giggle (felt like a moron learning how to do it! Took a lot of practise!). At WHAT, EXACTLY? I could think of dozens of more sensible & practical reactions...

AS you may have guessed, I love to write & to read what others have written. This may be interpreted as a form of friendship in Aspie Land. But, I never ever feel lonesome for human companionship at all. I've never 'missed' any human being in my life. In fact, I often don't recognize a person outside of their habitual context. I once didn't recognize my mother when she approached me in a public place. People tend to look alike to me & since they're always changing something about their looks, how can we reasonably be expected to recognize them? There are too many variables.

I am extremely bonded to the animals I've shared my life with over the years...I understand them & they seem to understand me.

Does anyone out there have any thoughts on friendship, bonding & loneliness? Thanks, guys.

 

[RubenX]

You mention something that surprised me a little about not recognizing people in public. That happens to me a lot. If I'm driving north and an friend/family is driving south, they will tell me later:

"Hey, didn't you noticed me on the Interstate last Saturday?"

On the roads, at the supermarket, walking around at the park... I never notice people. Some walk up to me and say "hey", but I never notice them first. More than that, I don't really care. I fake it: "Oh! What a nice surprise! So Happy to see you". But deep inside I just want the person to go away so I could keep about my business.

 

[Soup]

That's how I feel ReubenX. The same things happen to me all the time. I'll be somewhere trying to do what I came for & get the hell out & suddenly I'll hear, "HIIIiiiiiii!!!! O My GAWD: long time no seee!!!" & its some person I'd swear I'd never seen before in my life. Sometimes its some person who recognizes me from back in high school (are you kidding me?!?) They come running & give me a gross bear hug. I stand there wishing the floor would abruptly open up & swallow me whole :-0

One time, I was walking down a street around the block from my house & a car window rolled down. Some guy was hanging out of the car grinning like a pumpkin & waving frantically. I stood staring: I'd seen that face before...but where? It WAS MY SON!!! But he's changed his hairstyle & was in a friend of his' car. Very surreal.

 

[smith2267]

We're all introverted, Soup, but most of us not as much as you.
I would like a friend, maybe two, to go places with (for one thing it makes me look more normal to have a companion. For another, some things you just can't do alone).
I am in the same boat as you regarding faces. I have a horrible time recognizing people. One time I ran into my boss and didn't know who he was until later. I've gotten fairly good at faking my way through that sort of thing.

There is a huge hump to get over for me to make a friend... I have to somehow be around them long enough to feel at ease, and they have to tolerate my aspie habits. But once the friendship is formed, I can actually get a little clingy, and want too much of that persons time. It's always a woman, so maybe it's some half buried mating instinct.

 

[cheetoe80]

I have the same face problem and staring problems, and same huge hump to get over to actually make a friend. I think I would want a younger guy friend though so I could have a friend other than girls I want to date, and seem more normal, less needy, I don't know.

 

[total-recoil]

I've literally not been able to recognise people. No idea what it means. I may see a friend in the street but then panic and simply not know if i got it right. Or simply not know it's them. It happened with a good friend who spoke to me and I didn't know it was her so she drew close and said, "It's me!" Or I've spoken to someone thinking it was a friend but then it turns out it's not and I get strange look. Thus it seems as if part of my recognition comes from other factors such as clothes and association in familiar places. I can recognise differences in faces but I think not the same as others and at times I've been made to feel like a jerk.
As for friendship, yes I feel I need it. Especially from girls. Don't like it to go overboard but I think warmth is a good thing. I once bonded quite well with a Russian woman who took over the role of like being an aunt or something. She was kind of serious and wore glasses like a librarian but warmed to me a lot. She was always carrying a cat around with her and she'd ask me into the living room to watch Columbo with her on T.V. Then she'd make cakes and coffee and we'd chat a lot about politics.
No desire to become like a group person but still feel friendship is good so long as you choose the right friends.

I figured it was time to try starting a thread.

Many members seem to be indicating that they want to be able to form friendship & feel a need for that sort of live person camaraderie but can't quite seem to make it work very well due to their Aspie tendencies (I'd argue that the problem is due to the grievous limitations NTs endure).

I'm waaay out there in the Aspie scale in this regard. I feel no desire or impetus to form face to face friendships whatsoever. I can't recall the last time I deliberately met up with another person for a purely social reason. I mean deliberately: not some family event I got badgered into attending or dragged off to. It's not that I'm afraid of people: I'm just indifferent to most of them. I don't seek out the companionship of kangaroos either but apparently that's fine. There are some people I really don't like at all but that's true for Aspies as well as NTs (& even dogs & cats).

As a kid, I made friends by aping friendly behaviours I'd observed other kids enacting. I kept up the dance into my teens but by my late teens, I was getting NT imitator's burn-out. Why was I subjecting myself to all that stress? I was doing what I'd always been taught (NT norms) I was supposed to do. I was supposed to want to hang out with other girls. I was supposed to giggle (felt like a moron learning how to do it! Took a lot of practise!). At WHAT, EXACTLY? I could think of dozens of more sensible & practical reactions...

AS you may have guessed, I love to write & to read what others have written. This may be interpreted as a form of friendship in Aspie Land. But, I never ever feel lonesome for human companionship at all. I've never 'missed' any human being in my life. In fact, I often don't recognize a person outside of their habitual context. I once didn't recognize my mother when she approached me in a public place. People tend to look alike to me & since they're always changing something about their looks, how can we reasonably be expected to recognize them? There are too many variables.

I am extremely bonded to the animals I've shared my life with over the years...I understand them & they seem to understand me.

Does anyone out there have any thoughts on friendship, bonding & loneliness? Thanks, guys.

 

[total-recoil]

I'm absolutely stunned. I thought I was on my own with this facial recognition stuff. Thought I just wasn't at all normal in the past but had no idea what it was about. People would ask if such and such a person had gone into the building and the truth is I didn't have a clue as I didn't register people. Even suffered tellings-off on account of it but couldn't hardly say in my defence I can't register people.

We're all introverted, Soup, but most of us not as much as you.
I would like a friend, maybe two, to go places with (for one thing it makes me look more normal to have a companion. For another, some things you just can't do alone).
I am in the same boat as you regarding faces. I have a horrible time recognizing people. One time I ran into my boss and didn't know who he was until later. I've gotten fairly good at faking my way through that sort of thing.

There is a huge hump to get over for me to make a friend... I have to somehow be around them long enough to feel at ease, and they have to tolerate my aspie habits. But once the friendship is formed, I can actually get a little clingy, and want too much of that persons time. It's always a woman, so maybe it's some half buried mating instinct.

 

[Soup]

@TotalRecoil:

Same here! I never knew that this was something other people experienced on the scale I do. I wonder how this limited facial recognition software issue contributes to our tendency towards solitude?

Yes, some of us would like to be able to form a few friendships, but so far, no Aspie I've read about is a social butterfly. People bear so much resemblance to each other that it amazes me how some people can keep track of what so many different humans look like despite the way they change their look almost daily. The familiar person who was wearing jeans, a red top, long loose straight brown hair today might appear tomorrow wearing a flowery dress, blonde waves with bangs, a tan & green contact lenses the next day. Its like expecting people to recognize someone beneath a disguise!

 

[buckyboy14]

Wow, I'm the same way! So many times, I call a person by a different name because I think they're someone else, and I always end up extremely embarrassed.

 

[King_Oni]

I was getting NT imitator's burn-out

This... however taken a bit out of context is what I'm experiencing daily when I'm not "on my own". More and more I'm having trouble in acting "sensible" for others. I should also add that this came in effect a few years ago after keeping that up for roughly 18 months at a job... and even during the job I was seeing a therapist because I felt I was going crazy... I just couldn't put my finger on it. But the forced social interaction, the forced "must function"... that got to me. After that I felt that I couldn't even keep it up on a toned down scale around friends and relationships... I just feel I have to act out like the way I want to... and that can be in ways most people won't really appreciate... add in that I need my alone time just for the sake of pursuing interests and hobby's... and not even to mention the entire need to recharge my battery. For every minute of imitation I need about 50 to recover.

With that... I also don't really care about "friendships and the need to be around others. I am aware that I'm not perfect and I might be a weird friend in that sense.. take it or leave it, not my loss. The only thing I have a problem with is that at some point I feel that I've been robbed of my time I spent there... it's not that my time is that scarce, but I can easily spend 24 hours a day without someone else around.. and as such I did for extended periods.

Heck, even if I look at my relationship... I sometimes don't see my girlfriend for 2 weeks, and I talk to her... sometimes through a text here and there or just by some comments on FB, nothing else... I don't care, and she knew what she was getting into. It's not that I don't care about her, but the entire social construct on a regular basis, requires too much of a commitment that I'm willing to give. Forums however work fine... post something and check sometime when someone is around... there's no obligation to stick around and stare at the screen. For what it's worth people on a forum might not even be real (but for the sake of the argument I'll keep with that behind every user there's a actual person). But I have no real "bond"... it's just like reading a book and having a handful of characters talking about subject X.

So I don't know... I don't really have a big thing for friendships or bonding... mind you I have some people in my social group, but I haven't talked to some of them for months... and it works well for both them and me.

As for loneliness... I rather spend my time and money on a hobby that doesn't rely on the dynamics of other peoples personal agendas.

 

[total-recoil]

The other day my friend's Boss who is Chinese came into the room said hello to me and then left to go back inside. I said to my friend:
"Who was that girl who popped in a couple of minutes ago?"
"That was Amy," she replied.
"Are you sure?", I said.
At this point a customer by my side turned round to look at me and her expression was one of intrigue.
"Yes!", my friend answered. "Amy just came in, said hello to to you and you never spoke back to her!"
"It was Amy???", I said. "Oh dear!"
5 minutes later back comes Amy again and this time I do recognise her as I take a careful look. However, by this time I think people were giving me even srtranger looks.
What happens? I think that possibly part of my brain is just switched off and another part highly active so people may not register. I don't think I'm face blind to the full extent but I am a little. I've bumped into people I know and just panicked as I wasn't sure it was really them.

Wow, I'm the same way! So many times, I call a person by a different name because I think they're someone else, and I always end up extremely embarrassed.

 

[total-recoil]

It depends. I've had very long periods where i was quite happy to be by myself but now I feel more that I need the same things as other people need. I mean, I've been taking care of my best friend a German Shepherd for 3 years now and I frequently hug him. Bear hugs to show I love him and he very often comes up wagging his tail for a cuddle. Well, I call that being a good dog handler and it works well. The dog is happy, settled, secure and far less aggressive.
Well, at the end of the day, I'm no different. When I lived in Spain, sometimes the women would hug me and I never minded. It transmits warmth. I remember once I was in a class and a girl sat down right next to me. I got up and sat on a chair further away. Then she got up, moved her chair forwards and sat next to me again. At that point I gave up and stayed where I was.
So, really I don't at all like being isolated or misunderstood. Definitely I appear uncaring and selfish or self absorbed but, in reality, that's not the actual case. All it is is my head being absorbed in my own world too much to notice what goes on around me.
Not that I like being smothered. Far from it. Just I don't want to live a cold, lonely life.
In fact, what really shook me up a few months ago was when a girl pulled up in her car, looked at me and asked if i was O.K. She knew I'd been given a rough time and seemed to genuinely care. Felt like a shoulder to cry on. However, sometimes nobody can reach me and I cut off but never cut the dog out. If I'm low he will always come up to me and lick my face.

This... however taken a bit out of context is what I'm experiencing daily when I'm not "on my own". More and more I'm having trouble in acting "sensible" for others. I should also add that this came in effect a few years ago after keeping that up for roughly 18 months at a job... and even during the job I was seeing a therapist because I felt I was going crazy... I just couldn't put my finger on it. But the forced social interaction, the forced "must function"... that got to me. After that I felt that I couldn't even keep it up on a toned down scale around friends and relationships... I just feel I have to act out like the way I want to... and that can be in ways most people won't really appreciate... add in that I need my alone time just for the sake of pursuing interests and hobby's... and not even to mention the entire need to recharge my battery. For every minute of imitation I need about 50 to recover.

With that... I also don't really care about "friendships and the need to be around others. I am aware that I'm not perfect and I might be a weird friend in that sense.. take it or leave it, not my loss. The only thing I have a problem with is that at some point I feel that I've been robbed of my time I spent there... it's not that my time is that scarce, but I can easily spend 24 hours a day without someone else around.. and as such I did for extended periods.

Heck, even if I look at my relationship... I sometimes don't see my girlfriend for 2 weeks, and I talk to her... sometimes through a text here and there or just by some comments on FB, nothing else... I don't care, and she knew what she was getting into. It's not that I don't care about her, but the entire social construct on a regular basis, requires too much of a commitment that I'm willing to give. Forums however work fine... post something and check sometime when someone is around... there's no obligation to stick around and stare at the screen. For what it's worth people on a forum might not even be real (but for the sake of the argument I'll keep with that behind every user there's a actual person). But I have no real "bond"... it's just like reading a book and having a handful of characters talking about subject X.

So I don't know... I don't really have a big thing for friendships or bonding... mind you I have some people in my social group, but I haven't talked to some of them for months... and it works well for both them and me.

As for loneliness... I rather spend my time and money on a hobby that doesn't rely on the dynamics of other peoples personal agendas.

 

[kchapman1988]

whenever i manage to make a friend (as rare as that is ) i lose interest after a while, i don't see them for a while and just completely forget the things i'd learned about them (part of the reason my relationship(s) failed)

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

as far as the face recognition, i haven't had a problem with recognizing faces. i recognize faces, it's the names that i have a problem with. putting the name with the face that i know. usually after i have parted ways with the person is when the name finally comes to me but unless i see them on a regular basis i can't put the name to the face when i see them.

I do feel the need to have friends which i lack at this time so i am usually alone anyway. many times feeling sorry for myself and lost in my loneliness trying to find something to occupy my mind with to get it off of the thought of having no friends.

 

[Harpuia]

I had tried for about 12 years to socialize with groups and I had been able to get into groups, the problem was staying with them (or even a single friend) for any longer than several months or so without a serious crisis starting. The cycle seems bound to happen: The person likes me. We become friends. We talk about stuff. And then the crisis is either they start wanting something from me like money or time that I can't afford, or they pull the rug out from under me and tell me they want nothing to do with me for just about no reason. It makes no sense, and I'm done.

I've decided I'm going back to gaming. I realize now why I should've never tried to make friends in the first place, even if I am a slight extrovert. I do not party. I do not drink. I have terrible taste in music. My interests are too different to most people. There's four things right off the bat that make me undesirable to anyone in a friendship or relationship. And at times, trying only leads to, and I won't repeat what I said in another thread why, having a danger of losing your job. So yeah, gaming it is. At least when you play by the rules there, you succeed, unlike in the social world, when you play by the rules, you set yourself up for failure. Games are logical. People are not.

Now the only thing I wish is that it was a Saturday night and not a Sunday...

 

[Cerulean]

I've been thinking of going back to gaming too, for the same reasons. I miss having that computerized structure in my life.

 

[Harpuia]

For me, I just had to learn to know my place in society. My six-month pursuit (since I started seeing the psychologist) of making friends only led me to a road where I nearly lost my job. I can't risk what I have for the small chance that my social life will turn around. I know my place now in society, and I'm going to pretty much stay there. I have let someone who I thought was a friend take advantage of me for the last damn time.

I stopped saying hi to people. I stopped smiling. I'm trying to quit being empathetic. I stopped trying to go out to places just for the sake of going out. Yeah, I'm not totally happy about it, but I guess I'm "happy enough".

 

[Arashi222]

@Harpuia but you seem so unhappy about it. Why would you want to close yourself off from your feeling and being empathetic? Yes there is the chance in anything that you will get hurt. There is always that chance but you don't have to push so hard that you loose what little you have gained either. So you realize that the one person isn't a friend. Try again with someone else. I don't want you to die inside and that's the feeling I am getting from you that you don't even want to try anymore. You can be happy...it just may take longer than you thought it would.

I want to be friends with people. I've been burned so many times i probably can't count but every time I fail I get up dust my self off and try again. I get lonely yes, I get scared and anxious and wonder if I am really worth trying to make friends with people but then I realize that if I did that I would regret so much more in my life. I want companionship I just don't always know how to do that. My new friends have been teaching me a lot more about friendship than I have in many years and we still have our ups and downs.

 

[smith2267]

@harpuia (what is that from anyway) and arashi:

I have problems being too trusting also, I think it's an AS trait.
There's an old saying, you only need 6 friends to be your pall bearers. I'd go further than that and say all you need in life is one friend, if it's a good enough friend. So don't give up. But ask someone you trust to tell you if you are being taken advantage of.

 

[Soup]

I'm at the other end of the Aspie spectrum for that: I'm private, guarded & sometimes a little paranoid. I always am aware of people approaching, who is where in my environment & when someone is walking behind me- even at a distance.