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Long term clincal depression

Markness

Markness

Young God
V.I.P Member
I've suffered from clinical depression for 12 years now and I often wonder why I am even still alive. Ever since I turned 17, my life has been a prison sentence of sadness, anger, hopelessness, and helplessness.

I've had moments where I would be sad for a few days but I would always return to feeling ok after a while. Unfortunately, when I went through an unrequited love spell and felt like I would never have a girlfriend when I was 17, my mind stayed stuck in feeling lonely as well as hopeless. I didn't know I had Aspergers until a few months into the depression even though I was diagnosed as a child. I was told getting a job and going to college would help me feel better as well as help me find my niche but the opposite has been true for me. My job is stressful and thankless and college was so disappointing I dropped out of it.

I feel like depression has destroyed me and I am doomed to suffer until I finally exit.
 
I was diagnosed with depression at the same time as being diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I was later also diagnosed with another serious health issue, and for a while I was a total wreck. I was prescribed Xanax and antidepressants, and they helped me a lot. I took the Xanax for about 2 months and the antidepressants for just over a year. I wouldn't normally recommend taking such drugs, but they do help some people. I suggest talking to your doctor about it.
 
A decent trial of an antidepressant may be something to consider if you haven't done so already.
Also, blood work to rule out physical things that can mimic depression first.


True clinical depression is not something that can be gotten rid of by going to college or by getting employment. I am not surprised that those things did not work.
 
I have been told by therapists that I've been depressed my entire life, and have probably not known a time I wasn't at least a little depressed.

Well. That is DEPRESSING.

I have learned to take it a day at a time. Some days are better than others, and that's okay. Some days I want to drown myself, and that's okay, too... I don't have to act on it just because I feel a certain way. I have found an odd little way of being happy with my unhappiness. Cynical/nihilistic styled humor and outlook have helped a ton. Also, learning to appreciate those small moments when I am happy - like when I'm literally belly laughing - and even learning to understand that my darkness makes those moments all the more enjoyable and special. I wouldn't gain so much pleasure from them if I experienced that all the time!

I'm don't focus on trying to change myself as much anymore as much as I focus on learning to appreciate myself exactly the way I am, no matter how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. Therapists are probably never going to get that... it's their job to get you to change your neural networking... but when all else fails... it has worked for me just to be more mindful of my disposition and grateful for me being me.

9 to 5ers either bore me, stress me out, or both. I'm not sure I could ever manage to handle a B&M college, either. I may not ever have any semblance of a normal social life. I've accepted that. I mean, who is making these rules, anyway? Not anyone that matters enough to control me!

So I've created my little path to my version of happiness. I run my own business, I go to school online, and I pick and choose who I associate with and when I associate with them and how we associate. Instead of focusing on trying to be like everyone else, I've started focusing on trying to create a life that is stable and comfortable for me. Just me.

I hope maybe this sharing helps to inspire you in some unconventional way that leads you to a happier, more fulfilling path in your life. I am wishing you all the best!
 
Markness

My deepest sympathy to you for suffering this condition for so long. You deserve a medal for still being here.

The answer for most people is medication, but that often fails for a comlicated case, like where there are inborn faults of metabolism and an intergrated approach works best.

Here is one example: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/...ents-depression-md-s-tips-skipping-the-prozac

but there are many more sources of help and support. I have found that moving the body and a specific diet to enhance brain chemicals, the way to go for me. The gut is very much implicated in brain issues. Good luck.
 
You have my sympathy, it's not easy to live with a constant shadow over you... I was also diagnosed with clinical depression at 17 even though I had it for longer than that. I have dysthymia which is a persistent depressive disorder, I don't think it will ever go away. I've tried counselling and various medication, but those seem temporary fixes. Depression always comes back.

I'm not sure what to tell you, I can't give you hope that it will ever get better because I can't make that statement. I've long accepted that my mindset is set to melancholy and it can't change easily... but having said that, it doesn't mean it's all hopeless. It takes time and practice to see the little things in life that bring some light, even for a moment. Those little things make life worth living. While the big things, like education, employment - whatever it may be - are not what brings happiness, the small everyday glimmers of peace are in some ways, enough. The bird singing in the tree on a warm, breezy summer's day. The butterfly fluttering happily past you. The cat that mews as he greets you. Those sorts of things. I've learned to appreciate them to remember that I'm still here and I am able to see and experience them. For now, it's enough. Take it one day at a time.
 
Medication and therapy is generally the best place to start. It can work for a lot of people. Although I've yet to find any that didn't have worse side effects.

The only things that have really worked for me on a consistent basis are either being around certain people who share my personality (rare to find) as it brings out my energetic side OR certain music. I have playlists specifically for changing my mood depending on what frame of mind I need to be in. Really weird crap that I'd never listen to just for fun. But it does something to my brain that either resets it completely or distracts me enough that I can then get on with the day.
 
Maybe I'm just a silly optimist, but I believe that somewhere in this vast world there's a solution for everything, and I would never settle with a problem as unfixable.

I'll let you guys know when I give up on something and that ideal comes crashing down like a walk-in sand castle! ;)
 
Unfortunately when it comes to a mental illness like depression there are no magical fixes. Being knowledgeable of your thinking patterns and triggers will help you know how it's keeping you stuck, as well as therapy and possibly medication. Keeping an eye on your diet and exercise can also help. You want to get to a point where the depression isn't controlling every second of your life.
 
china autie said:
A decent trial of an antidepressant may be something to consider if you haven't done so already.
Also, blood work to rule out physical things that can mimic depression first.


True clinical depression is not something that can be gotten rid of by going to college or by getting employment. I am not surprised that those things did not work.
Click to expand...

I'm wondering who would even suggest that those things could cure depression?
 
SunnyDay16 said:
I'm wondering who would even suggest that those things could cure depression?
Click to expand...

My parents and a good number of local people told me those things. They think if you aren't working yourself to death and taking it with a smile, you aren't truly living, especially if you are a male. Men are supposed to be soulless robots in this culture and it's no wonder why this area is a sick place.

To answer some questions I've been asked about whether I've had therapy or have taken medication, the answer to both is yes. I am currently seeing a therapist and I am taking medication as well. I've actually had therapy for as long as I've been depressed but certain things keep me stuck in a rut. I struggle to make friendships because my interests aren't very common, I don't drink or smoke like most people my age do, and I don't call myself a Christian which most people around me do even if they don't follow the tenants of Christianity perfectly; they'll live 'worldly' but as long as they repent they can keep repeating their transgressions or claim faith in Jesus is a free pass to do anything including being 'sinful'.

I also struggle with the things I wish I was talented at but I am still at an elementary level with them and it makes me feel like my brain can't make new neural pathways. I also keep seeing couples pass me by while I am single and I keep getting told I need to "work on myself" if I want a relationship but I can't shake the feelings of loneliness and the reminders of my singlehood still get to me. My family environment is also miserable.
 
Meds and therapy do not cure depression. It was not my intention to imply this.

I have major depression and have had to take an antidepressant for over 40 years, with occasional breaks in between. The guideline I learned is that if you have to go back on an antidepressant two or three times, it may then be considered a necessity for life. Beats feeling suicidal and crying 24/7 for me.

Talk therapy is a mixed bad. An an autistic, it doesn't help me much and groups were a disaster for me.

Bloodwork is frequently neglected before trying psych drugs and it really shouldn't be.

The only thing I found that helps a little bit is forcing myself to do some sort of regular exercise. Because of the exercise, I am able to maintain on a smaller dose of my antidepressant than otherwise.

Best wishes and u am sorry for any misunderstanding.
 
I have learned that I am a person that needs antidepressants. One little pill a day makes living worth while.
 
china autie said:
Meds and therapy do not cure depression. It was not my intention to imply this.

I have major depression and have had to take an antidepressant for over 40 years, with occasional breaks in between. The guideline I learned is that if you have to go back on an antidepressant two or three times, it may then be considered a necessity for life. Beats feeling suicidal and crying 24/7 for me.

Talk therapy is a mixed bad. An an autistic, it doesn't help me much and groups were a disaster for me.

Bloodwork is frequently neglected before trying psych drugs and it really shouldn't be.

The only thing I found that helps a little bit is forcing myself to do some sort of regular exercise. Because of the exercise, I am able to maintain on a smaller dose of my antidepressant than otherwise.

Best wishes and u am sorry for any misunderstanding.
Click to expand...

I think she was addressing how I was told getting a job and going to college would cure depression. If anything, I wish I was treated for depression instead of being subjected to a summer of job training and volunteering. My mother just wouldn't leave me alone.

I've had bloodwork for various things and unfortunately I also suffer from hyperlipidemia and I am pre-diabetic.
 
Markness said:
I think she was addressing how I was told getting a job and going to college would cure depression.
Click to expand...

Thank you for that @Markness much appreciated. I don't think adding the stressors of college and a job would help untreated depression either.

I am glad you had bloodwork though, even though you got some unwelcome news.
 
china autie said:
Thank you for that @Markness much appreciated. I don't think adding the stressors of college and a job would help untreated depression either.

I am glad you had bloodwork though, even though you got some unwelcome news.
Click to expand...

I was told by others college would have no cliques and people would be more open minded but my experiences there have been the opposite. I really hoped I would find a girlfriend when I went but most girls I encountered there already had a boyfriend or were married. I feel like I've fallen too far behind and that there are no single women left. :( I am 30 years old and I can't even get a standard coffee date.
 
I already feel like this year is going to be a repeat of last year. I suffer endlessly and there is no hope in sight no matter what I do. I don't know what to do with myself and trying to make a decision overwhelms me into analysis paralysis.
 
I am sorry you are going through this.

Sometimes I ignore the holidays because I don't want to go through the after holidays let down.

Maybe look for just the 1% or 1/2 of 1% improvement?

Maybe other people got better ideas but I do believe in you.
 
I hate that I want a girlfriend so much but I was born into a sick culture and Aspergers makes social interaction so difficult. :(
 
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