Looking for answers

[Bella Pines]

He threatens to kill himself on a regular basis so unfortunately it's him who hasn't accepted how he is and not me.

Yes, this is a serious problem and depression and suicide is not something I could or would ever comment on and needs professional intervention. Which is chicken and egg for you, because if he doesn't see the need for professional intervention then he will not seek it. And even if the issue was forced, he would likely not listen. So yes I understand the predicament.

I am happy to hear anything but he isn't happy he's very unhappy. He has no friends and hasn't had for 10 years because of the way he is

Good on you. Being a mum is the single hardest thing in the world.

Now, his tendency to not listen may run in the family...

Having no friends is not a problem! None of us have friends! We are happier for it! Neurotypicals develop this bizarre dependency on social connections and "friends". HFA aspies don't need friends and often don't want friends. You may see being friendless as debilitating and depressing but I see it as a light relief.

Now if he has spent his entire life being told that 'popular is good', 'you need friends', but is unable to make and maintain friends (it's not how we work), then yes he will probably see this as a bad thing. But if he can accept that we connect with people for a specific reason and move on when necessary, then he will be more content and stop trying to perform near impossible feats like belonging to a herd, when his brain just isn't cut out for that. I am happier as a lone shepherd than a sheep.

He asks me why people don't like him and one of those reasons is his inability to accept other people's points of view and aggressive responses

It's shouldn't be about "people liking him". The core problem is that he simply hasn't found the right kind of people!

I get aggressive with neurotypical people too, mostly because they don't pick things up quickly and they don't notice the same things that I notice and they run of feelings instead of facts. But surrounded with people who talk and think like me is more refreshing and the need for aggression (or frustration) recedes. If he is angry with himself however... well there's no quick fix for that...

The other point is that you say you accept him, but yet still use words like "issues" and "combat his aspergers traits" and "problems". Not words like "talented", "gifted" and "unique".

He won't even consider looking for a career and I have told him there is no pressure but then he complains he has no future. It is him who won't accept who he is and not me.

So what has worked in the past? Has he ever woken up? Like as a child playing with a toy, or during a project at school?

There are many aspie traits and one of them is special interest in certain topics, to the point of obsession. This could manifest in collecting something, an interest in learning about something. That something could be useful or destructive. We can get fascinated equally by maths or psychopaths. Some of us also have a talent for pattern recognition.

Without that single minded determination, we do tend to get lost. If I have too many projects or no projects then I get very bored very quickly. If I am unable to completely dedicate every waking moment of my time to my chosen obsession then I get very frustrated.

So what has worked for him before? Has anything ever sparked his interest?

 

[Aspiemum]

Thanks again for the reply

He wouldn't listen I agree unless it's his own decision which I why I wouldn't and in fact couldn't make him. I have always accepted his decision not to seek help

I don't mind if he doesn't have friends but he does. You imply I'm forcing my NT views on him but it's simply not true. On the odd occasion he finds a friend and spends time with them he is almost euphoric and so therefore leads me to conclude he does indeed want friends.
In fact I have told him many times to stop trying to be popular and make friends with people in the fringe of popular. His response is " they're weird". I tell him he's weird in a good way but he still won't consider these relationships

He hasn't got particularl special interests I wish he had.
You see despite what you infer/ state I am happy for him to be different but HE isn't!
I think the answers lie within him which others have eloquently stated and so I will have to wait for him to become more self aware and make some decisions to improve his life. And yes I believe he has issues, we all have issues!

There lies one of the things for you to confirm for better or worse.

Whether he has any neurological ability at all to restrain himself from being condescending. For him to understand that this is not acceptable behavior in attempting to interact with others, where it can "get old" real fast with NTs and even other Aspies. And some people can't control it to the point where they can't even see when they're doing it. Or even that they'll be chastised over and over for it, and yet make the same social mistake all over again.

As Keigan suggested he might be able to consider things incrementally. To simply refrain from commenting altogether. It might be a foundation to build on which is easier perhaps than controlling what he says.

I cannot neurologically process sarcasm properly. When directed at myself, it's as if my brain locks up in a fog. Only to come out of it surmising that someone just insulted me. It's bizarre in that I can elaborate about it in such detail, yet be powerless to do anything about it.

How do I handle it? I try not to respond one way or another. Back to what Keigan said.

Your son may also have a sense of "getting even" at the Neurotypical world through predatory behavior. The thing is, there's no profit in that equation. It just makes life tougher. Tell him as such.

Yes, this is a serious problem and depression and suicide is not something I could or would ever comment on and needs professional intervention. Which is chicken and egg for you, because if he doesn't see the need for professional intervention then he will not seek it. And even if the issue was forced, he would likely not listen. So yes I understand the predicament.



Good on you. Being a mum is the single hardest thing in the world.

Now, his tendency to not listen may run in the family...

Having no friends is not a problem! None of us have friends! We are happier for it! Neurotypicals develop this bizarre dependency on social connections and "friends". HFA aspies don't need friends and often don't want friends. You may see being friendless as debilitating and depressing but I see it as a light relief.

Now if he has spent his entire life being told that 'popular is good', 'you need friends', but is unable to make and maintain friends (it's not how we work), then yes he will probably see this as a bad thing. But if he can accept that we connect with people for a specific reason and move on when necessary, then he will be more content and stop trying to perform near impossible feats like belonging to a herd, when his brain just isn't cut out for that. I am happier as a lone shepherd than a sheep.



It's shouldn't be about "people liking him". The core problem is that he simply hasn't found the right kind of people!

The other point is that you say you accept him, but yet still use words like "issues" and "combat his aspergers traits" and "problems". Not words like "talented", "gifted" and "unique".



So what has worked in the past? Has he ever woken up? Like as a child playing with a toy, or during a project at school?

There are many aspie traits and one of them is special interest in certain topics, to the point of obsession. This could manifest in collecting something, an interest in learning about something. That something could be useful or destructive. We can get fascinated equally by maths or psychopaths. Some of us also have a talent for pattern recognition.

Without that single minded determination, we do tend to get lost. If I have too many projects or no projects then I get very bored very quickly. If I am unable to completely dedicate every waking moment of my time to my chosen obsession then I get very frustrated.

So what has worked for him before? Has anything ever sparked his interest?

I am happy to hear anything but he isn't happy he's very unhappy. He has no friends and hasn't had for 10 years because of the way he is

He can barely hold down s job as he perceives he is always badly treated. He threatens to kill himself on a regular basis so unfortunately it's him who hasn't accepted how he is and not me.
If he was happy and could function on a daily basis I would be happy for him.
He asks me why people do t like him and one of those reasons is his inability to accept other people's points of view and aggressive responses
He won't even consider looking for a career and I have told him there is no pressure but then he complains he has no future. It is him who won't accept who he is and not me.
I just want him to be happy and will do anything to achieve that but he is highly resistant to change despite how unhappy he is

He has tried antidepressants but don't feel they helped and point blank refuses to seek help
Maybe he needs more time to mature and accept himself but in the meantime his behaviour is destructive and extremely hard to live with. I often worry I will get home and find him dead so I disagree that it's not a family issue.
Thank you again for your comments

I am happy to hear anything but he isn't happy he's very unhappy. He has no friends and hasn't had for 10 years because of the way he is

He can barely hold down s job as he perceives he is always badly treated. He threatens to kill himself on a regular basis so unfortunately it's him who hasn't accepted how he is and not me.
If he was happy and could function on a daily basis I would be happy for him.
He asks me why people do t like him and one of those reasons is his inability to accept other people's points of view and aggressive responses
He won't even consider looking for a career and I have told him there is no pressure but then he complains he has no future. It is him who won't accept who he is and not me.
I just want him to be happy and will do anything to achieve that but he is highly resistant to change despite how unhappy he is

He has tried antidepressants but don't feel they helped and point blank refuses to seek help
Maybe he needs more time to mature and accept himself but in the meantime his behaviour is destructive and extremely hard to live with. I often worry I will get home and find him dead so I disagree that it's not a family issue.
Thank you again for your comments

 

[Bender5]

Hi,
I lived a crazy life until at 62 I was diagnosed. I knew I was different but most often I felt that I was the only sane person I knew. I was,and am still opinionated mostly because my opinions are arrived at by much research, thought rumination. I bounced from special interest to special interest like a pin ball. Since I have been informed that I do have a special gift that is fairly well understood, I have a new Special Interest: Researching all things Aspie has become my focus. It is very painful reliving so many years of my life and discovering what / why things happened. Your son is young I would suggest that he grasped his being diferent as a great blessing that once understood he could harness the positive aspects of his gift. Over the years I wasted so many opportunities took so many crazy risks, that had I understood what was driving me would have turned out differently.

I agree with: Judge, Self Awareness is the Cornerstone. You cant build much without the foundation of understanding.

Welcome to AC!

 

[Judge]

Thanks again for the reply

He wouldn't listen I agree unless it's his own decision which I why I wouldn't and in fact couldn't make him. I have always accepted his decision not to seek help

Unfortunately this scenario does sometimes play out here with NTs looking for answers regarding people they suspect might be on the spectrum. Ultimately they have to take the first step or there's little you can accomplish under the circumstances. There's no trickery or miraculous solution. It's likely no different than some addiction issues. A person must first be willing to help themselves first and foremost.

And I have to tell you an ugly truth, at least in my own case. Had someone prematurely intervened and told me they thought I was on the spectrum, I would have either laughed or gotten quite hostile. I found out quite by accident in my own case. And it was my curiosity that kept me to pursue it, despite the lingering doubt I had.

Though you might ask him one simple, but profound question for most folks. To ask him if he ever really wanted to determine who and what he is? That was the "quest" I was on even before I turned to the subject of ASD.

 

[Aspiemum]

Thanks again and I will ask him the question to see if it provokes his interest.
I have gently over the last 6 or more years suggested he privately researched Aspergers to see if it answered any questions for him. However he is clearly still not ready to accept so only time will tell.

Unfortunately this scenario does sometimes play out here with NTs looking for answers regarding people they suspect might be on the spectrum. Ultimately they have to take the first step or there's little you can accomplish under the circumstances. There's no trickery or miraculous solution. It's likely no different than some addiction issues. A person must first be willing to help themselves first and foremost.

And I have to tell you an ugly truth, at least in my own case. Had someone prematurely intervened and told me they thought I was on the spectrum, I would have either laughed or gotten quite hostile. I found out quite by accident in my own case. And it was my curiosity that kept me to pursue it, despite the lingering doubt I had.

Though you might ask him one simple, but profound question for most folks. To ask him if he ever really wanted to determine who and what he is? That was the "quest" I was on even before I turned to the subject of ASD.

 

[Streetwise]

Hi all, I'm new to this site and have been looking for someone or something to help me help my 20 year old son.
I have read many of your posts and found them very enlightening and they have helped me understand my son.

However, I haven't been able to locate any threads regarding strategies to help my undiagnosed Aspie son. He is high functioning and can look at people in the eye, hug etc but is so highly opinionated that he alienates all his friends and some family.
He does work part time but finds this very challenging and threatens to leave on a weekly basis as he perceives he is treated badly.
I have tried books but been unable to find anything that will actually help him recognise this trait and combat it.
Any help is appreciated

are you any further on