Looking for insight

[puzzledbutlearning]

Oh, one last comment about that any attempt at trying to make you understand was even more offensive... You are trying to get her to understand with logic. Our brains don't process that way. We get over relationships by wallowing in it, obsessing, and talking about it to friends and family ad nauseum. The logical part comes later, after we've licked our wounds long enough. I know. I know. It sounds pathetic, but it's true.

You're so right about this. We're NTs. We feel emotions and then apply logic later to understand what has happened.

 

[sidd851]

I'm hoping for some insight from those who have been through this and those are AS themselves. I was dating a 31 year old guy for a year. He seemed wonderful. He was affectionate and polite. When we first met, he seemed very interested in me. He suggested we take a weekend away and we did. We had a great time. He asked me to meet his parents about a month into dating, and I did. They seemed lovely. A couple of months into the relationship, his grandmother passed away. Because we hadn't been seeing each other long, I expected that he would attend the funeral alone. Instead, it seemed to be a big deal to him that I attend as well. I went with him and met his extended family. He cried during the funeral. It was the first time I'd seen him express such emotion. He always seemed so even and generally happy. He thanked me for being there for him. I told him that I loved him. I told him I hoped it wouldn't be too much to hear and he said it wasn't and that it didn't freak him out at all. Fast forward to Christmas time and he invited me to spend it with his parents and family. I did. Things seemed fine. I should mention that he has a diagnosed autistic sister and a brother who his mother feels is high functioning but the on the spectrum. His sister experienced a meltdown due to the social stress and I excused myself to go up to my room because I felt it was best. I know I heard him crying downstairs (I can't tell you what was said because he's from another country and they don't speak English). He came up to get me and didn't seem to want to show signs that he had been crying. He just said he didn't know how to help her.

About 2 days after we returned from Christmas he texted me that we needed to talk. I felt in my gut something was wrong. He came over and proceeded to tell me that I needed to understand that he really, really liked me but that when we had discussed having him meet my family and the relationship moving forward over Christmas, it scared him and he didn't think he could go on with things. I started to cry. He started to cry. He said we would take about it more the next day. Something important to mention: He is 31 and I was his first and only girlfriend. I told him I thought he was scared due to inexperience and that most people have some doubts in relationships but you face them together and get stronger. The next day I went to see him and he said he thought I was right and it was just inexperience and doubts and instead he asked me to move in with him. He said "I want to see more of you." So we thought we patched things up. He said he talked to his best friend who reassured him it was normal to have doubts. He said, "I don't want you to think I will ever do that again because I won't. I think this has made us stronger." He even offered to apologize to my parents because I had called them very upset.

So we lived together for several months. He was waiting for news about whether he would get a better job offer or if we would have to move back to the country he is from (I'm not mentioning it to make sure this is a non-identifying post). We were in limbo waiting to hear but in the meantime, he helped me make plans for my business and even said that we might need to renew my visa in his country of origin (I was living abroad during this) because we might be living there. In short, we were planning a future together. I had a relationship with a man who was undiagnosed AS in the past and when he took a new job, he left me. It's just a personal trigger for me and I simply wanted to have a conversation about my anxiety about this topic. I started the discussion by saying I just wanted to express some anxiety i was having. Out of the blue he stared at me and proceeded to dump me. He said, "I Don't love you. I'm not in love with you." It was a gut punch. He had been so affectionate and had told me once that when he saw me so upset and crying the first time he thought about breaking up he thought it meant he knew he loved me. I was devastated and in shock. He went on to say that he didn't see us together in 2 years and was going home to visit his parents and "needed to talk to them." I should also mention that he does nothing without consulting with parents and his best friend. He's incredibly indecisive and seems to need others to instruct as to what to do with decisions like which jobs to take and where to live etc. I find that immature for a 31 year old male. Any time he gets off of work, he spends with his family or going on vacations with them. I thought they were just a close family but I'm starting to think this might have something to do with him being AS.

He went home and apparently told them he didn't love me so of course they told him what he wanted to hear: END IT. His mother always says he bottles up his emotions and doesn't express them. She told him if he had such doubts he shouldn't have asked me to move in but he reasoned that "how would he have known about us if he hadn't had me move in." He was incredibly cold and callous. He said that he could see himself married even in a year but didn't love me so I assume he means to someone else. He said, "I had to work at this." He also asked me how I knew I loved him and said that I was a nice person and he was trying to rationalize why he didn't feel the way he should about me. It was odd and felt robotic. Love is an emotion and rationalizing it seemed odd to me.

He told me I had to leave the apartment and go back to live with my family. So in the span of 2 days I had to leave the country I was living in, leave my job etc. and return to the United States because he couldn't stand the sight of me suddenly.

The only contact he has initiated was sending me tracking numbers for my boxes and telling me he was sending me a piece of mail that had come to the apartment for me. Each message started with "HI" and "Hope you had a good flight." How oblivious can you be? You break someone's heart and then send messages with cordial greetings. It's bizarre.

In any case, I came home and had some time to think and realized that this is exactly what happened with my last AS boyfriend. Before anyone says anything, I am in therapy to figure out what attracted me to these guys in the first place so it doesn't happen again. But I am devastated. I'm convinced he's AS and given that his sister and brother are, I feel even more certain. I think his family thinks he's fine...just that "bottles up emotions." He was never emotional accept at his grandmother's funeral and when he talked about his sister. He denies lacking emotional depth but the cold way he discarded me speaks otherwise.

Can anyone shed any light on why these guys just suddenly disappear? The last one I dated freaked and dumped me several times when we were living together and he changed jobs and moved. And this time, we were very close to hearing if he would get an extension on his contract or if we would move to his home country. It's like when things are changing or getting more serious they run. I'm just lost...it happened so suddenly and everything had been fine up until then. We never fought. He just coldly informed me he didn't feel the way "he should" about me. I suspect that's because he can't feel the way he should in a relationship. I should have seen it as a red flag that he's 31 and never had a relationship before me. Apparently his grandmother was worried about why he couldn't meet a nice girl before she died and it was a huge deal with the family that he had a girlfriend. I got quite close to the family as well.

Can anyone help me understand what happens with AS guys? I'm at a total loss. I know I'll never hear from him again. I'll never hear an "I'm so sorry for what I did." And I have to live with that and it's tearing me up.

For as much as NT's tout their emotions, they never seem to reciprocate.
Or, at least, for long.
If someone doesn't see, acknowledge, or reciprocate your feelings, drop them, and move on.
In the words of my father, "Vote with your feet."

 

[WittyAspie]

Your whole post is you describing a string of red flags, wondering "what went wrong?!".

A weekend away? How long into it was this? Less than a month. Oh boy.
Meeting parents one month in? Oh geez.
Being dragged into a family and a funeral when you knew the dude for a few months?

I mean that 3rd one should have just been a giant siren going off. The "Psycho Yandere Clingy Guy" alarm. Instead you told him you loved him.
Oh and the constant crying. That's a red flag too. The family sounds like the Addams family. Except they cry and throw tantrums instead of torturing each other.

Then he broke up with you. Then he changed his mind. And you decided to move in together with him. In a different country.

The one big batshit crazy foreign family would have sent any normal person running for the hills. You decided it would be a good idea to move to a foreign country and live with him.

What the hell were you thinking?

Now this is what we call offensive. I was feeling kind of down when I read the original post, which probably colored how I reacted to it. Thank you for apologizing puzzledbutlearning. I truly hope you can find some answers here.

But this post, wow! "What the hell were you thinking?" is never the way to approach someone who is hurting and asking for help. Some families are close, especially those from family-centric societies.

AloneNotLonely, you seriously need to rethink how you talk about those on the spectrum. Aren't you on the spectrum yourself? Would you want someone disparaging your family because you were close-knit, deeply cared about each other, and happened to be on the autism spectrum?

You could very easily have been describing my family. At least two of my four living children are on the spectrum, as am I. Does that mean we are like the Addams family?

 

[sidd851]

You're so right about this. We're NTs. We feel emotions and then apply logic later to understand what has happened.

This is such an alien concept, to me.
Without logic, how does one know which emotion(s) one should feel?
It is this type of thinking (with emotions), that causes so many problems. So many infidelities.
1- enters relationship because of "emotion"
2-continues relationship with promise of exclusivity because "emotion"(even though KEEPING a promise is effected by using logic BEFORE emotion in the decisionmaking process)
3-later in relationship "feels" that seven and a half minutes in the coatroom with "Biff" takes precidence over promise because "emotion"
4-claims "I couldn't help it because "emotion""
5-asks "What's wrong with you? Why are you devastated and unwilling to trust me ever again, don't you feel any emotion?"
6-Wash, rinse, repeat.
It's this cycle that creates everlasting strife.
I don't know where to begin unpacking this much loonytunes, but, PLEASE tell me again that we're emotionally "distant".
Is it any wonder that we feel resentment, fear, distrust, and pain?
As near as I can tell, "emotion" is the golden ticket. Free reign to act as selfishly and illogically as is desired, regardless of previous commitments or future consequences.
Doesn't it get old, entrusting one's fate, over and over, to such a fickle, unreliable system of measurement; these "emotions" that blip, flip, slip in and out of existence and intensity?
Answer me this:
If, every morning, when beginning your commute to work, you went to your parking space only to find that your "vehicle" was never the same: one day a car; next day rollerskates, next a tractor, next a freight train, then a skateboard, a helicopter, a diving bell, a motorcycle... How would you keep the promise to be at work on time every time? To get to work by car takes 30 minutes. Rollerskates 4 1/2 hours, tractor 7 1/4 hours, etc....
How could you plan ANYTHING about your day with any type of regularity or certainty when you don't know whether it will take you 6 minutes or 9 hours to get to work? Whether you will be protected from the elements on the way? Whether you can bring your briefcase, or your lunch?
Whether you can even access the proper fuel to get there? Or are even qualified or able to pilot said day's mode of transport.
THIS is what it feels like, to an ND, to trust one's
wellbeing to a person ruled by emotion.

"Applying logic later to understand what "happened"?" No. No, no, no.
You mean:
"Applying logic later to understand
"WHAT I DID".",
How crazy is that?

 

[AloneNotLonely]

AloneNotLonely, you seriously need to rethink how you talk about those on the spectrum. Aren't you on the spectrum yourself? Would you want someone disparaging your family because you were close-knit, deeply cared about each other, and happened to be on the autism spectrum?

You could very easily have been describing my family. At least two of my four living children are on the spectrum, as am I. Does that mean we are like the Addams family?

My family disparages itself. If someone were to say they are weird, crazy or whatever I'd shrug and go "I don't know what they are to be honest, suggestions are always welcome". Unfortunately everyone seems to think they are cool.

I know nothing about your family and made no comment about them. You chose to make the connections you were offended by(Family with AS = Addams Family). For some reason, all comments I made about everything being completely messed up from the beginning are being interpreted as "It's all because of AS".

Well if you guys want to insist that the weird crap going on was all AS and that being unable to accept what went wrong is NT, then I'll just shut up for now and let you guys discuss it in peace.

 

[WereBear]

Th

Thank you. I'm struggling terribly. I am trying to figure out what attracted me to them and why so I can avoid it in the future. Thank you for your kindness.

Speaking as an ND, I found success in relationships by going against all my social programming (Deep South US) and became honest about my feelings and outspoken about what I wanted. I also moved from a “Guess Culture” where everything is hidden to an “Ask Culture” where these traits are positively regarded.

I would just suggest that you focus on what you liked about these relationships and try to go after more of that. If you are empathetic and understanding these men might have triggered your helpful side, and hey, maybe you were so helpful that they “got better” enough to move into entirely new zones... which then scared them.

If you don’t want to be the “girlfriend who taught me so much it frightened me” look for someone more adventurous, perhaps? Someone for whom the “helping” is more mutual?

Just guesses; but you aren’t necessarily doing anything wrong. Speaking for me, luring a romantic partner to a different country and then giving them two days to GET OUT — that’s just wrong, and you can actually consider yourself lucky it is over, no matter how many advantages he had in other areas.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

that seven and a half minutes in the coatroom with "Biff"

Shame.I always liked Biff.

"Applying logic later to understand what "happened"?" No. No, no, no.
You mean:
"Applying logic later to understand
"WHAT I DID".",
How crazy is that?

Yep. Crazy.
Logic is usually applied later to
Obufscate
Justify

It's a way of creating an acceptable reality.
I've notice when someone has done something particularly bad -
It takes then a while to
Rationalise,
Find a reasonable justification for the action

This can also be done by finding
Support

Get a person to hear your justification.
Agree with it.

Then you can relax.
With agreement the new reality has been agreed upon.

That's what a lot of people do.

So left behind we may try and translate and talked about
What actually happened.

Unknown to us, a new reality has been created around the event
(Using traditional methods)

So any future response is based around that reality.

Hence - MADDENING MISUNDERSTANDINGS

 

[puzzledbutlearning]

Speaking as an ND, I found success in relationships by going against all my social programming (Deep South US) and became honest about my feelings and outspoken about what I wanted. I also moved from a “Guess Culture” where everything is hidden to an “Ask Culture” where these traits are positively regarded.

I would just suggest that you focus on what you liked about these relationships and try to go after more of that. If you are empathetic and understanding these men might have triggered your helpful side, and hey, maybe you were so helpful that they “got better” enough to move into entirely new zones... which then scared them.

If you don’t want to be the “girlfriend who taught me so much it frightened me” look for someone more adventurous, perhaps? Someone for whom the “helping” is more mutual?

Just guesses; but you aren’t necessarily doing anything wrong. Speaking for me, luring a romantic partner to a different country and then giving them two days to GET OUT — that’s just wrong, and you can actually consider yourself lucky it is over, no matter how many advantages he had in other areas.

I will definitely be looking for something more mutual in the future. Reciprocity is necessary for me. What he did was wrong. You're right about that. You have a point about these relationships triggering my helpful side. I was raised to put others before myself and I think that might have been appealing to these men.

 

[FlowerChild]

Th

Thank you. I'm struggling terribly. I am trying to figure out what attracted me to them and why so I can avoid it in the future. Thank you for your kindness.

I am in a VERY similar situation to you right now. I am going to PM you. If you'd like to chat, I'm happy to do so

 

[Tom]

Unless I missed something, it sounded like neither of these bfs you mention were diagnosed with ASD. Were either of them self diagnosed? Diagnosing developmental or mental disorders is not an easy thing, even for professionals, and currently it is prefered that a whole team of professionals do the analysis.

Without any solid basis trying to evaluate this as 'on the spectrum' behavior seems a premature exercise.

It could be entirely in the varied realm of neurotypical behavior, which is hardly always good, and nice or even 'normal'. The different culture of a foreign country might account for some differences.

 

[Jane Smith]

It sounds like to me these relationships are going way too fast. Since he was inexperienced, they're boundaries are pretty weak. So, things get serious way too fast, and he didn't know how to slow it down.

I would set up boundaries with yourself so that this sort of thing doesn't happen again. For example:

-Don't meet their parents until you've dated for 6 months to a year.
-Keep dating for the first month casual. That means no love get-aways
-Don't move in with someone until a year after you know them.
-Don't say "I love you" until you absolutely know that you both want to be a committed relationship.

You obviously can change these boundaries to what you see fit. However, boundaries like this would stop these patterns from happening. Talk with your therapist, and get their help as well!

Communication is key. If you feel like the relationship is going too fast, and that they're starting to freak out, ask. Ask them if they would like it to go slower.

It's pretty normal to date someone and not love them. However, your relationships go so fast they didn't have time to allow those feelings to grow. Yes, he may have initiated the speed, but, again, he is in experienced! He didn't know any better!

 

[Jersey]

It sounds like you moved too fast but it also sounds like who knows if he has autism? It really sounds like a dysfunctional family. Maybe his parent(s) are controlling, more stress from autism in siblings that they've made him feel like he HAD to take care of, you know, instead of his parents. Or maybe this is some other country family dynamic that I've never seen in US. Crying around a funeral? Normal, expected even, but don't make any major decisions right after a funeral when emotions/feelings are running high. Whatever it was I wouldn't dwell on this too much other than to say don't do all that so fast next time. I know I'm not the norm but I often talk to a guy for about a year before really having a date, I never introduce a guy to my parents (not since HS) until well, never, since I've never been engaged. In any case, thanks for your story, it helped me to understand dysfunction better anyway.

 

[paloftoon]

I'm hoping for some insight from those who have been through this and those are AS themselves. I was dating a 31 year old guy for a year. He seemed wonderful. He was affectionate and polite. When we first met, he seemed very interested in me. He suggested we take a weekend away and we did. We had a great time. He asked me to meet his parents about a month into dating, and I did. They seemed lovely.

. . . Something important to mention: He is 31 and I was his first and only girlfriend. I told him I thought he was scared due to inexperience and that most people have some doubts in relationships but you face them together and get stronger. The next day I went to see him and he said he thought I was right and it was just inexperience and doubts and instead he asked me to move in with him. He said "I want to see more of you." So we thought we patched things up. He said he talked to his best friend who reassured him it was normal to have doubts. He said, "I don't want you to think I will ever do that again because I won't. I think this has made us stronger." He even offered to apologize to my parents because I had called them very upset.

It is normal for there to be ups and downs, but it is also normal for things to just suddenly dissipate too. So frustrating right? It's stressful, but you enjoy that you had the opportunity to have those experiences moreso in the long run as you get older.

So we lived together for several months. He was waiting for news about whether he would get a better job offer or if we would have to move back to the country he is from (I'm not mentioning it to make sure this is a non-identifying post). We were in limbo waiting to hear but in the meantime, he helped me make plans for my business and even said that we might need to renew my visa in his country of origin (I was living abroad during this) because we might be living there. In short, we were planning a future together. I had a relationship with a man who was undiagnosed AS in the past and when he took a new job, he left me. It's just a personal trigger for me and I simply wanted to have a conversation about my anxiety about this topic. I started the discussion by saying I just wanted to express some anxiety i was having. Out of the blue he stared at me and proceeded to dump me. He said, "I Don't love you. I'm not in love with you." It was a gut punch. He had been so affectionate and had told me once that when he saw me so upset and crying the first time he thought about breaking up he thought it meant he knew he loved me. I was devastated and in shock. He went on to say that he didn't see us together in 2 years and was going home to visit his parents and "needed to talk to them." I should also mention that he does nothing without consulting with parents and his best friend. He's incredibly indecisive and seems to need others to instruct as to what to do with decisions like which jobs to take and where to live etc. I find that immature for a 31 year old male. Any time he gets off of work, he spends with his family or going on vacations with them. I thought they were just a close family but I'm starting to think this might have something to do with him being AS.

I'm sorry to hear that his timing was awful. There really is no good time though. That directness is hard to take. At least better than divorce. Divorces are more costly, and you have to look at it that way. There are people without AS who do this with their families too. Part of it can be a lack of independence, possibly the family controlling or being protective or overprotective because a person with AS is more likely to have to deal with social issues compared to the average person. I can relate to your ex on this. Considering that you lived with him in a foreign country and were living with him, you should have become part of the equation of the trips they were taking. At least been invited and paid your own way depending on your relationship with your ex and his family for that. People attached to their family like this can be a good or bad thing. Some people don't want to deal with it and want someone more independent. It's not easy to know what you like to be around, but it's definitely something to think about. Also realize that nothing is ever set in stone per se, cause if you're attracted to a person by everything but one said thing, you might still decide that you could live with it enough to be a part of this person's life too.

He went home and apparently told them he didn't love me so of course they told him what he wanted to hear: END IT. His mother always says he bottles up his emotions and doesn't express them. She told him if he had such doubts he shouldn't have asked me to move in but he reasoned that "how would he have known about us if he hadn't had me move in." He was incredibly cold and callous. He said that he could see himself married even in a year but didn't love me so I assume he means to someone else. He said, "I had to work at this." He also asked me how I knew I loved him and said that I was a nice person and he was trying to rationalize why he didn't feel the way he should about me. It was odd and felt robotic. Love is an emotion and rationalizing it seemed odd to me.

It's human nature to try to rationalize. In some cases, you are trying to rationalize below too. There are no good answers. It's just a feeling. I know how you feel to a lesser extent. Except I was the one with AS and inexperienced, and my partner broke up with me. His question of how you knew you loved him and how he had to work at this show you his inexperience. What I also read is that he did not do any of this to you intentionally.

He told me I had to leave the apartment and go back to live with my family. So in the span of 2 days I had to leave the country I was living in, leave my job etc. and return to the United States because he couldn't stand the sight of me suddenly.

Emotions and people aren't supposed to make sense. I'm sorry you experienced this is such an extreme way. You moved to a different country where it was such that you were not able to be a permanent resident easily and just move to a different location.

The only contact he has initiated was sending me tracking numbers for my boxes and telling me he was sending me a piece of mail that had come to the apartment for me. Each message started with "HI" and "Hope you had a good flight." How oblivious can you be? You break someone's heart and then send messages with cordial greetings. It's bizarre.

Well there's no good answer here for him here. He was trying to be polite which I think is the most appropriate actually. He knows he was the cause for the breakup, so at least he was nice enough to make things for sending your stuff back smoother than if he was to say mean things to you or nothing at all. If he said things that made it sound like he loved you again, that would be weird.

In any case, I came home and had some time to think and realized that this is exactly what happened with my last AS boyfriend. Before anyone says anything, I am in therapy to figure out what attracted me to these guys in the first place so it doesn't happen again. But I am devastated. I'm convinced he's AS and given that his sister and brother are, I feel even more certain. I think his family thinks he's fine...just that "bottles up emotions." He was never emotional accept at his grandmother's funeral and when he talked about his sister. He denies lacking emotional depth but the cold way he discarded me speaks otherwise.

Like the others said, not everyone with AS is like this. There are NT people who can be like this too where they bottle up their emotions too much. I think many men tend to do this in general because it's a "manly" thing to do.

Can anyone shed any light on why these guys just suddenly disappear? The last one I dated freaked and dumped me several times when we were living together and he changed jobs and moved. And this time, we were very close to hearing if he would get an extension on his contract or if we would move to his home country. It's like when things are changing or getting more serious they run. I'm just lost...it happened so suddenly and everything had been fine up until then. We never fought. He just coldly informed me he didn't feel the way "he should" about me. I suspect that's because he can't feel the way he should in a relationship. I should have seen it as a red flag that he's 31 and never had a relationship before me. Apparently his grandmother was worried about why he couldn't meet a nice girl before she died and it was a huge deal with the family that he had a girlfriend. I got quite close to the family as well.

Even NT people might do this. There's no good way to do a breakup really. Sure, the AS can contribute to having a harder time adjusting to change. That's that person's problem and not yours.
It can be hard to be with someone inexperienced, but it doesn't mean you should discount them of course. Being inexperienced is not necessarily a red flag, but it could mean you should spend more time getting to know the person. Moving to another country is a lot too. Wow. I guess consider your options if things don't work out for you what could happen.

 

[Aeolienne]

-Don't meet their parents until you've dated for 6 months to a year.
-Keep dating for the first month casual. That means no love get-aways
-Don't move in with someone until a year after you know them.
-Don't say "I love you" until you absolutely know that you both want to be a committed relationship

Is it really so dodgy to meet your partner's parents before six months? What if they live in the same town as you?

 

[MrSpock]

I am trying to figure out what attracted me to them and why so I can avoid it in the future.

If you're trying to compete with AloneNotLonely for the most offensive post in this thread, you've found a winner here IMHO. I don't think that either of you are trying to be offensive. This is a topic that many (if not most) of us on this site struggle with, have had trauma with, but really want to learn about and change for ourselves. Just as with your history it's a heated topic, for us it's even more so since these issues will always stand in our way, we can't simply decide to avoid all people like you in the future. We have to learn to get along with you (neurotypicals, non-autistic people) or else be very lonely.

Our points of view are very different. It will not be easy for you to understand how we see this topic, we do not begin with common frames of reference. We're at a very slight advantage here, as we've spent our lives trying to communicate with you lot, whereas we are a minority of the people you've had to deal with in your life. We can make this advantage available to you, however you're going to have to put forth effort to wrap your head around it and attempt to see things from a wider perspective than you may be used to.

The occasional person may post something nonsensical here, I cannot guarantee that we'll all make sense all the time. However it may be useful for you to take a different approach when something doesn't seem to make sense at first glance.

We have different neurologies, you and I. You lot and us lot. When we interact there is our perspective, your perspective, and the big picture - the interaction as seen from outside either of our perspectives. To understand what's happening you need to see the big picture. It will not make sense from either of our narrow perspectives. So when something someone else says doesn't make sense to you, instead of dismissing it try to interpret the situation in a way that would make it make sense. Point out the particular parts that don't make sense to you and ask about them.

"2+2+2=8" "No it doesn't, you're nuts, end of conversation."

"2+2+2=8" "Hmm. I see six, not eight. Two plus two plus two looks like six to me. What could be happening here?" "Let's try this then, 2+2+2+2=16" "No, that looks like it should be eight now..." "Oh, I get it! You're seeing x where we see +, 2x2x2=8" "Yes, that's it!"

I appreciate the sentiment that brings you here (aside from you wanting to learn about us to avoid us), and want to encourage you to learn more. But if you're not willing to try to understand things from outside of your current perspective and put effort in as I've suggested above, I believe that you're wasting your time. You're not going to make sense out of us by forcing us into your perspective, to make us fit the world that you see you have to bend us out of shape, and you aren't going to understand how a car works by examining the cube that comes out of the end of a crusher in a junk yard.

You may be unaware of it, but we're already showing you much more patience and understanding than you're showing @AloneNotLonely . That's okay, you can expect that, but thought you should be aware of it. We're used to being misunderstood. We expect it. When you're dealing with us you should learn to expect it too, and to treat an apparent difference of opinion as a possible difference of perspective. If it is a difference of perspective and you fail to do this, you'll never learn the truth of the situation.

 

[sidd851]

If you're trying to compete with AloneNotLonely for the most offensive post in this thread, you've found a winner here IMHO. I don't think that either of you are trying to be offensive. This is a topic that many (if not most) of us on this site struggle with, have had trauma with, but really want to learn about and change for ourselves. Just as with your history it's a heated topic, for us it's even more so since these issues will always stand in our way, we can't simply decide to avoid all people like you in the future. We have to learn to get along with you (neurotypicals, non-autistic people) or else be very lonely.

Our points of view are very different. It will not be easy for you to understand how we see this topic, we do not begin with common frames of reference. We're at a very slight advantage here, as we've spent our lives trying to communicate with you lot, whereas we are a minority of the people you've had to deal with in your life. We can make this advantage available to you, however you're going to have to put forth effort to wrap your head around it and attempt to see things from a wider perspective than you may be used to.

The occasional person may post something nonsensical here, I cannot guarantee that we'll all make sense all the time. However it may be useful for you to take a different approach when something doesn't seem to make sense at first glance.

We have different neurologies, you and I. You lot and us lot. When we interact there is our perspective, your perspective, and the big picture - the interaction as seen from outside either of our perspectives. To understand what's happening you need to see the big picture. It will not make sense from either of our narrow perspectives. So when something someone else says doesn't make sense to you, instead of dismissing it try to interpret the situation in a way that would make it make sense. Point out the particular parts that don't make sense to you and ask about them.

"2+2+2=8" "No it doesn't, you're nuts, end of conversation."

"2+2+2=8" "Hmm. I see six, not eight. Two plus two plus two looks like six to me. What could be happening here?" "Let's try this then, 2+2+2+2=16" "No, that looks like it should be eight now..." "Oh, I get it! You're seeing x where we see +, 2x2x2=8" "Yes, that's it!"

I appreciate the sentiment that brings you here (aside from you wanting to learn about us to avoid us), and want to encourage you to learn more. But if you're not willing to try to understand things from outside of your current perspective and put effort in as I've suggested above, I believe that you're wasting your time. You're not going to make sense out of us by forcing us into your perspective, to make us fit the world that you see you have to bend us out of shape, and you aren't going to understand how a car works by examining the cube that comes out of the end of a crusher in a junk yard.

You may be unaware of it, but we're already showing you much more patience and understanding than you're showing @AloneNotLonely . That's okay, you can expect that, but thought you should be aware of it. We're used to being misunderstood. We expect it. When you're dealing with us you should learn to expect it too, and to treat an apparent difference of opinion as a possible difference of perspective. If it is a difference of perspective and you fail to do this, you'll never learn the truth of the situation.

TESTIFY!!!