Losing friends over time?

[DreamEagle]

Lately I've realized that the friends that I was once close with no longer seem to have an interest towards me. It can be depressing too because the people I was close with at one point of my life end up slowly fading me away, and I never intend to do or say anything to offend people. I haven't practiced disclosing my diagnosis of Autism to anyone before except for a very few people, and sometimes I feel the urge to disclose it to see if people would be more accepting and understanding towards me. Does anyone on the spectrum experience something similar? If so, how do you deal with it?

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

Since realising I have AS, I've told some friends that I've drifted away from and explained how it affects me. They have been very understanding and supportive. It has helped bring us closer together because they now understand my behaviour and they know they can call on me anytime for my help (if I can) and that they may have to ask me for my help because I won't always be able to guess. I don't think there is anything to lose by telling them. If I lose them altogether then they weren't true friends anyway.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I've been through that several times in my life. People and I get close and spend tons of time together for a little while, then drift away. I've stopped trying to make friends because of this. I think inability to maintain relationships is an Aspie thing.

 

[manca]

It seems that happens with every friend I have. It saddens me. I think it would be different if I had boyfriend/husband or children, you know my own persons, but now I just feel lonely most of the time.
I live with my parents, but it's not always easy to talk with them and definitely you can't talk about everything, you can't do things that you would with friends, etc.

I found out about me being an aspie just a week or so ago and I haven't really considered telling any of my old friends about it. I haven't talked with the last one in a year!

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

Now that I'm more aware of my tendency to drift away from friends and also more aware of how I can appear selfish to others, I'm making more of an effort to keep in touch. My friends are now on a checklist so that i don't lose track of time. There are some who work in the same place as me, just not in the same area. Meeting for coffee or lunch is a good way to keep in touch and because the time is restricted, it takes the pressure off me to keep conversation going. Most of my friends outside of work have dogs, so we get together for doggy play dates while the owners have a coffee or go for a walk. That is easy enough to do and quite enjoyable. I just don't make the effort to do it often enough. Facebook is also a useful way to keep in touch. If your friends post details about their lives on there then you have some ready made material for conversations.

 

[Neat Hedgehog]

I've kind of been aware of it since I was in my early teens. After my brother moved out, it was eight years before I spoke to him again, and then only because my mother was out there at his place. He thought I was angry at him because I never said anything to him.

I used to play WoW every day for several years until I started college. Had a whole group of people I would play with. One day I got really busy with school work and stuff and I didn't log in. A few months later I came back, said the usual "oh, sorry, time just got away from me," and then after that I just forgot to play anymore. I think it's been about four years since I played it, actually, and I have no idea what happened to those guys I hung out with for years.

Sometimes I forget to talk to my cousin for a couple months, but other people will usually bring him up and I'll have a reason to remember.

I only have one real friend that I think of as a friend anymore. Everyone else is just someone I knew, or know of. That is a distinction I wish more people would make. They ask me if I "know" someone, and if it's just a casual acquaintance I'll say something like "no, but I know of them / I'm aware they exist." I usually get some weird looks from people when I say that.

I'll probably only know him for another year or two, at the most, though. By then I probably won't talk to him much, if at all. I moved away, and it's virtually impossible for me to keep in touch with someone who isn't there in the immediate vicinity. I'd say I would like to try harder to keep knowing him, but it is already getting hard to carry on short conversations with him, and we used to talk all day. He still gets a hold of me now and then, because at least he knows that if he doesn't I will more than likely forget he is there.

On the other hand, I have noticed that I still talk to my father regularly since I bought my car ('84 Laser). He was a mechanic for 40 years, and I love to spend time tweaking / fixing it and taking it over to his place so we can work on it. It's not just that I only hang out with him so he can fix my car, I just don't like spending time with people with no common goal in mind. Does that make sense?

 

[lostinspace]

This is a problem I have had all my life. I will have a wonderful friendship with someone, everything with them is going just great (at least as far as I know), then they suddenly and unexpectedly want nothing more to do with me ever and they don't want to talk about it. I never understand why this happens or what I can do about it, and it happens all the time.

 

[SUM1]

Read my topic in this exact forum section. I've basically lost all of my friends (to sum it all up).

 

[DreamEagle]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences on here. It appears that this issue is indeed that mostly occurs with us Aspies and it can be considered as a phenomenon. Losing friends out of nowhere can be a depressing thing, especially when we often aren't aware as to what causes us or other people to drift away. Even if I try to connect with some friends through social medias like Facebook, the friendship just seems to fade away and the friends that were once close to you no longer send you a message. These days, what I've been doing is trying out new things like cardio dancing (I've never had the courage to do that before!) at my local gym in a fitness room with other people and even though I hardly interact with my peers, its still fun to do the workouts and learn moves from watching other people. The only good thing is that I'm close with my family, and so that helps me deal with loneliness too. Eventually I'll want to seek new friends, and hopefully I can find some legit ones when that happens. Sometimes I wish there were an easier way to make Aspie friends in real life. It can be hard to find other people around my age that share the similar diagnosis where I live. That way it may be easier to relate and understand each other, which can lead to a stronger friendship compared to friendships with NT's.

 

[lostinspace]

This forum has been a tremendous help to me. I am glad to know that I am not the only one with this problem.

I made my first post on this thread after a severe meltdown I suffered when I ran into my ex girlfriend and she told me that she wanted no more contact from me ever even though it was less than a year ago that she was in love with me and wanted to marry me. I ran home and burst into tears and then started screaming "I HATE MY LIFE!! I HATE MY LIFE!!" over and over into my bed and I actually tore the corner of the mattress up. I had a very strong impulse to run in front of a truck or something, I just simply did not want to go on any more. It wasn't just her, it was all the people before her who did the exact same thing. Heck in 2009, the HOA of a place where I was living as a renter held a special meeting to decide what to do with me and decided to kick me out. (I later found out that the people behind to movement to get rid of me were some of my closest friends.) And they weren't the only ones, the same sort of thing happened with places I have lived in before. People don't like me. People don't want to be friends with me. I get this. I have had this pounded into me loud and clear. What I don't understand is why and what I can do about it.

 

[Minuet]

When we tell others about our diagnosis, it can usually help to make things clearer to them and encourage a more understanding attitude from our peers, employers, coworkers, etc. At least, that is what I've found.
There will always be people who are... not as understanding (I use that phrase as a euphemism for those who are huge jerks). Those aren't the type of people that deserve to be in our lives anyway... unfortunately, sometimes they are people that we want in our lives - for example, these friends that drift away, or ex-partners who don't want anything to do with us).

It is a hard thing to deal with, people falling out of our lives without a fight - just leaving after so long. I'm really sorry to hear that we have all experienced this loss. ):

 

[An~aspies~wife]

My husband has Apsergers (undiagnosed) and I have noticed that over the years he doesn't really have many people he calls friends. I try to help him with the initiating part of friendship sometimes, but it's hard. As he has told me, I talk with his friends more than he does. Anyway just thought I would put in my two cents. An~aspies~wife wanting to learn and understand more.

 

[Minuet]

That's nice that you are helping him out, if he is wanting but unable to initiate social interactions. Honestly sometimes we don't want more friends... I am completely happy with my three or four close friends, and I don't feel the need to have a large crowd of more superficial friendships. You know?

 

[Ste11aeres]

I used to think that this failure in friendships- I was having many what-seemed-to-be-the-beginning-of-a-friendship s which would then mysteriously die-i thought it was a characteristic of the area (a different state in the US) I had moved to. My thought was "People around here are like that. Seemingly friendly at first, but never letting you into their lives."
Since discovering my aspergers I have realized this repeated failure was not characteristic of the area- it was characteristic of me of us. After all, other people in this area have real friendships. For some reason, it was a relief to discover that. :sleep: this restful smiley represents the peace following this discovery.

 

[Minuet]

Yes. Again, it's tough when we meet someone we really like, but they end up either drifting out of our lives or remaining in the fringes because we can't seem to make an intimate connection with them. I often don't understand what I did wrong - if I even did anything at all - that may have caused them to decide against getting to know me better. But because of this, those friends who DO stick by us are extra special.

I do like to tell people that I am autistic when I am getting to know them, because it is such a big part of who I am. And without that information, they can't really understand me as a person. Does that make sense? It's almost like... once you insert the "autistic" piece of the puzzle, the rest of my personality makes more sense.

 

[lostinspace]

I do want to say that I have been feeling much better since joining the forum All of you have been a great support.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

People don't want to be friends with me. I get this. I have had this pounded into me loud and clear. What I don't understand is why and what I can do about it.

Because you do not meet their needs in a friendship.

For example, I am happy just to spend time with someone, with little conversation. Most of the time that will meet my needs for the friendship. But my friend may need a lot of conversation, or something else from the friendship that I am not giving to them. Since I am naturally self-focused, I am often unaware of what the other person needs. I now explain that to my friends so that they can understand me. They also know that not only can they ask me for my help at times, but often they will need to ask because I won't read any unspoken cues and I may not think to offer.

I'm really struggling with a friend at the moment. He is I suspect an undiagnosed Aspie. He hasn't made any attempt to find out more about it so that he can understand why he is the way he is, nor to understand me. He has depression and lately he is really dragging me down. Every time I see him lately I feel worse about myself afterwards. He criticises me for not talking to him much. But when I try to talk to him, he is either preoccupied with his phone because he is checking out Facebook, or he has the tv at a loud volume so I cannot even begin to think about conversation. He also doesn't talk much to me! There have been times when I have left what I am doing to spend time with him when he has invited me to do so. I may be really tired after a hard day at work so I leave early, and then he is critical of me leaving early. When I stay to avoid upsetting him for leaving early and then I fall asleep in front of the tv I get criticised for that too. He cannot understand what he does to regularly upset other people. I think I have some idea about that. Our friendship is supposedly important to him but he is doing a really good job at pushing me away. He isn't meeting my needs of our friendship and obviously I'm not meeting his either. I doubt I will persist for much longer, unless he has a change of attitude.

 

[asnlifecoach]

I have found that aspie's sometimes have a different perception of time. This means that they sometimes forget to keep in touch, and friends tend to drift towards those who are available and make an effort to be there on a more regular basis. The feeling of loneliness for an NT is very strong and needs to be quenched more often than an aspie's.

People love to talk about themselves. If an aspie is taking up most of the conversation talking about his/herself or a special interest and the friend doesn't feel that he/she has her time...they tend to drift away.

Showing an interest in what the other person has to say. If the NT friend doesn't feel like the other person is genuinely interested in what he/she is saying...they tend to drift away.

You can work on these things actively, or not. If you do you may see an increase in your friendships. Keep in mind though that people do come and go in our lives. It is normal, but remember that all relationships require work and maintenance. Cyanide explained good ways to remember to stay in touch. Sometimes that's all you need. Not every friendship needs to be much more complicated than that.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I have found that aspie's sometimes have a different perception of time. This means that they sometimes forget to keep in touch, and friends tend to drift towards those who are available and make an effort to be there on a more regular basis. The feeling of loneliness for an NT is very strong and needs to be quenched more often than an aspie's.

People love to talk about themselves. If an aspie is taking up most of the conversation talking about his/herself or a special interest and the friend doesn't feel that he/she has her time...they tend to drift away.

Showing an interest in what the other person has to say. If the NT friend doesn't feel like the other person is genuinely interested in what he/she is saying...they tend to drift away.

You can work on these things actively, or not. If you do you may see an increase in your friendships. Keep in mind though that people do come and go in our lives. It is normal, but remember that all relationships require work and maintenance. Cyanide explained good ways to remember to stay in touch. Sometimes that's all you need. Not every friendship needs to be much more complicated than that.

Let's remember none of us have met in person so we can't tell lostinspace the reasons friendships have been lost because we weren't there and don't know!

Although this is good advice about how to relate to people, and can sometimes apply to some of our situations, in my case, I am really good at listening to people. If I want to be friends I do initiate contact frequently. The pattern for me has been that I was the only one trying to keep in touch.

It doesn't explain the people who've hated me from my past jobs. The person who complained and complained about me to my past boss but didn't have any actual things to complain about other than just saying over and over again that she didn't trust me.

I think that sometimes, particularly for male aspies, people just dislike our facial expressions. Or lack of expression. Or something like that.
Everyone's story is different. There is no one-size-fits-all answer.
I think you're being sweet in assuming that people are like you and are accepting of us in all our quirks and weirdness.
:alien2:

 

[lostinspace]

Let's remember none of us have met in person so we can't tell lostinspace the reasons friendships have been lost because we weren't there and don't know!

True, but the more stories I read about other people's experiences, the better I can understand why things go wrong for me. I have found this to be very therapeutic.