Lost in the ‘WE’ idea

[SimonSays]

It can be an intellectual/emotional morasse when the relationship is over to feel good enough to take up a solely internal chase for self-esteem.
For me it helps to do something else to augment the change or transformation I seek; a physical task or workout each day for at least a couple of hours.

Right.

First marriage ended, I had to figure out how I was going to live in my van now. Steep learning curve.
Second marriage ended, I went full-time into being the sole carer for my mum before she died of cancer. I'd never been able to get on with her. Challenging in so many ways!

Life made sure I definitely had something else to focus on!

I believe I've realised a lot more than I did after the first ended, but I suspect I may have thought something similar when I entered the second. There may not be a third. I'm certainly not feeling like there needs to be.

 

[watersprite]

I felt trepidatious about postiing what I did. Because of the intensity of what you write here and in other posts, full of truths that can’t be denied or re-routed to some other perspective.
Some experiences, especially losses that we have natural reactions to simply can’t be assuaged.
Through time passing, the pain diminishes a bit.
I said what I did because of thinking through my own past. It includes losing my partner in a plane crash and, years later, almost losing my teenage daughter in a truck/motorcycle crash. I helped get her back to health.
Those traumas & 3 relationships have broken me, & my parts are holding themselves together. I have no idea if the glue will continue holding. Therefore I had hoped what I found helped me a little might also help someone else.

 

[SimonSays]

I felt trepidatious about postiing what I did. Because of the intensity of what you write here and in other posts, full of truths that can’t be denied or re-routed to some other perspective.
Some experiences, especially losses that we have natural reactions to simply can’t be assuaged.
Through time passing, the pain diminishes a bit.
I said what I did because of thinking through my own past. It includes losing my partner in a plane crash and, years later, almost losing my teenage daughter in a truck/motorcycle crash. I helped get her back to health.
Those traumas & 3 relationships have broken me, & my parts are holding themselves together. I have no idea if the glue will continue holding.

I'm glad you said what you did. I recognise the depth of your feeling. Life has been such a powerful teacher.

Therefore I had hoped what I found helped me a little might also help someone else.

 

[jleeb05]

I can relate to this. This is partly why I think the stereotypical descriptions of Aspies don't always hold up. A lot of us feel deeply. The beginning of a relationship/romance/infatuation has often been intoxicating for me. At the same time, I feel that my mind is constantly scanning the person/relationship for flaws/disappointments/issues.

It does sound like part of the issue is your sense of self. Who are you outside of the relationship? It can be difficult for me to figure out my own needs and desire so I can easily get consumed by a relationship. I feel that I have different sides to me and I emphasize or de-emphasize them as necessary. However, the best relationships are ones in which we can be fully present.

I agree that self-esteem is likely playing a role as well. People often think that someone with low self-esteem will just settle for anyone. I'm sure that's true some of the time. However, for me, I feel my low self-esteem has made me picky. If relationships are about the merging of two people and you feel like you're nothing then it makes sense that you might be drawn to someone you see as perfect, or at least having the qualities you desire in yourself but perceive yourself as lacking. But no one's perfect and when you see the cracks in the facade, you become disillusioned.

I don't know if there are any easy solutions but I do think having a strong sense of who you are and what you want are important. Once you have that, you need to figure out what you value about the person/relationship besides the intoxicating emotions it produces in the beginning.

 

[SimonSays]

There is also the other side of the coin to consider.

Who the other person thinks they have fallen in love with.

I seem to generate an illusion. I appear as something that can't be sustained. I'm not trying to deceive anyone. Just be who I am and how I feel. I've had an unusual life and I want to share it. I find myself becoming connected quickly and sharing so much of myself. Like on some level they need to catch up fast. We talk for hours at a time. Nothing is hidden. We spend as much time together as possible.

This tends to hide my issues. How I am in the present, how anyone is, takes time to be seen. We learn about each other over time, but I definitely help her feel she knows me. Once those things have been said, once I've expressed myself and my feelings honestly, as best as I can, who I actually am in this moment is not exactly the idea they now have of me. I can't live up to him. The things I've experienced can almost seem unreal. And I don't always connect with that me either.

If I hide myself, my past, I feel I would be keeping something important back. I want to trust her completely and do, and she makes me feel she wants me to be open and honest with her, and I am, I want to, and I can because I've had a lot of time to get my head around those experiences. Written things about them.

My life is now so different to how his used to be. Not interesting. Nothing to see here. I feel small. Barely visible. Anonymous. The idea of 'WE' seems an alien concept now. I only talk to you guys, and when I first came here I shared a lot of my past experiences. Just like I do when forming a new relationship.

 

[watersprite]

This is so much like my experience of self and others. That tells me, or leads me to suspect, it must not be unique, that it is probably part of how certain kinds of people, such as me, ‘do’ relationships.
-
I am currently accepting and creatively building on this new stage of my life. Most important for me, is intentionally using my own measure of things, not my ex-partner’s, which was negative and had sort of infiltrated my brain to an extent.

 

[SimonSays]

I am currently accepting and creatively building on this new stage of my life. Most important for me, is intentionally using my own measure of things, not my ex-partner’s, which was negative and had sort of infiltrated my brain to an extent.

Yes. I understand. That influence, coming out of our having chosen to calibrate to someone other than ourselves, and in your case, and certainly in mine at times, a negative influence we now have to release. Creating different neural pathways from our own perspective. Releasing those old patterns which takes time.

This has to be a period of reflection. Of being alone. Coming back to the centre, after having drifted too far in another's direction.

 

[SimonSays]

I don't know if there are any easy solutions but I do think having a strong sense of who you are and what you want are important.

I have always struggled with the idea of what I want. It can seem clear one moment, then not something I can remain connected to the next. I can shift in what seems to matter, and especially who I see someone to be. Nothing is ever really certain, not for long anyway.

I would agree with what you say about needing a strong sense of myself, but with such an ephemeral approach, it's no wonder I don't have it.

When what was once felt to be certain, gets revealed to be just perspective. So that what was believed no longer can be, while in many ways makes sense, so that there is always room for more, doesn't allow a solid foundation to be created. I would need a solid foundation to build a house upon that I can really live in.