Love of my life has Autism

[Streetwise]

Thanks so much for helping me x

You caught me on a day when I had some energy happens once in a blue moon

 

[Wolfnox]

You caught me on a day when I had some energy happens once in a blue moon

You did well. A round of applause for you.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

The only advice I can give is: if he is ever able, wanting and willing to be with you in a long relationship then he has to be the one that initiates that, shows that, and proves worthy of that, when and if ever the time is right for him. Whatever is causing his mixed messages, and backing away, he likely will have to work those out on his own and sort his mind out, and to then prioritize that. Something is clearly holding him back, whether his worries, fears, his family, his condition(s) or something he sees on your end, any fear of commitment or taking on extra responsibility.

One thing you can consider doing is to tell him you will be there for him as a friend, but prefer more only when he can commit to such without coming and going out of your life, as that is not working so far. That’s what one would say if they were emotionally strong or not too emotionally connected to him. I get that love is blind sometime, and it can be hard letting go in those ways, but as you have a child too, you need to think of their long term health and happiness as well. Clearly a child needs stability and to feel continual love to grow and be happy, without feeling at any moment they could be rejected by another. A child will develop added problems, if a supposed loving caregiver is not able to put that love and prioritization and show stability towards that family.

I see time and time again on this forum the same situation. One that wants that person suspected with Autism, but who knows what they really have, or what else they have, and that other cannot commit, express or show that love or commitment in the ways that other needs or wants. In these cases, I keep seeing the same typical situation; I see the strong love and need from that neurotypical, but I see the one with condition saying directly or indirectly they cannot do what that person regularly needs. These neurotypicals say they do not want to change that other, but to understand. Well, let him do as he wants now then. Let him be himself. If he is ever ready able or ready for more, sooner or later, then determine then if you have moved on or not, and decide then if you want to pursue things further.

Also, take into consideration many neurotypical guys are uncomfortable about not being the initiators and from from feeling pursued, so how do you think one with a condition may feel not only feeling that pressure to return that same love, but feeling pressure also to be in a longer relationship where there will be added responsibilities and needs to be someone else and to conform to societal expectations. Now, add on to the fact you are unsure if he has other issues besides the Autism as well, and has obvious fears and problems from living with parents with their concerning issues, I can see why you are seeing a guy that seems confused and giving mixed signals.

Sorry if this is not the advice you want to hear, as I am usually more the patient and optimistic type. It’s just what I feel based on the information presented so far.

 

[Marianne 777]

The only advice I can give is: if he is ever able, wanting and willing to be with you in a long relationship then he has to be the one that initiates that, shows that, and proves worthy of that, when and if ever the time is right for him. Whatever is causing his mixed messages, and backing away, he likely will have to work those out on his own and sort his mind out, and to then prioritize that. Something is clearly holding him back, whether his worries, fears, his family, his condition(s) or something he sees on your end, any fear of commitment or taking on extra responsibility.

One thing you can consider doing is to tell him you will be there for him as a friend, but prefer more only when he can commit to such without coming and going out of your life, as that is not working so far. That’s what one would say if they were emotionally strong or not too emotionally connected to him. I get that love is blind sometime, and it can be hard letting go in those ways, but as you have a child too, you need to think of their long term health and happiness as well. Clearly a child needs stability and to feel continual love to grow and be happy, without feeling at any moment they could be rejected by another. A child will develop added problems, if a supposed loving caregiver is not able to put that love and prioritization and show stability towards that family.

I see time and time again on this forum the same situation. One that wants that person suspected with Autism, but who knows what they really have, or what else they have, and that other cannot commit, express or show that love or commitment in the ways that other needs or wants. In these cases, I keep seeing the same typical situation; I see the strong love and need from that neurotypical, but I see the one with condition saying directly or indirectly they cannot do what that person regularly needs. These neurotypicals say they do not want to change that other, but to understand. Well, let him do as he wants now then. Let him be himself. If he is ever ready able or ready for more, sooner or later, then determine then if you have moved on or not, and decide then if you want to pursue things further.

Also, take into consideration many neurotypical guys are uncomfortable about not being the initiators and from from feeling pursued, so how do you think one with a condition may feel not only feeling that pressure to return that same love, but feeling pressure also to be in a longer relationship where there will be added responsibilities and needs to be someone else and to conform to societal expectations. Now, add on to the fact you are unsure if he has other issues besides the Autism as well, and has obvious fears and problems from living with parents with their concerning issues, I can see why you are seeing a guy that seems confused and giving mixed signals.

Sorry if this is not the advice you want to hear, as I am usually more the patient and optimistic type. It’s just what I feel based on the information presented so far.

Your so right thank you xx

 

[Streetwise]

Your so right thank you xx

Consider this !if you agree with the member who is neuro typical !then maybe what you really want is a neuro typical man! with some !!!of the attributes of an autistic man , which is impossible ,Their neurology has an almost !!!completely controlling influence over their whole!!! life.

 

[Marianne 777]

Consider this !if you agree with the member who is neuro typical !then maybe what you really want is a neuro typical man! with some !!!of the attributes of an autistic man , which is impossible ,Their neurology has an almost !!!completely controlling influence over their whole!!! life.

 

[Marianne 777]

I agree with his advice from my point of view how he’s trying to help me. He never did come back what hurts most is he seems to not care outwardly. Yet he’s drinking more and looking scruffy? Will he feel regret x

 

[Streetwise]

I agree with his advice from my point of view how he’s trying to help me. He never did come back what hurts most is he seems to not care outwardly. Yet he’s drinking more and looking scruffy? Will he feel regret x

periMenopausal at the moment quite anaemic

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Consider this !if you agree with the member who is neuro typical !then maybe what you really want is a neuro typical man! with some !!!of the attributes of an autistic man , which is impossible ,Their neurology has an almost !!!completely controlling influence over their whole!!! life.

Streetwise, yes, of course it’s totally impossible for a parent with 2 diagnosed Autistic children to have Autistic traits, if not be Autistic himself. They must be neurotypical I am being sarcastic of course.

Again, as I had told you a few years ago, nowhere ever did I state in this forum I was “definitely” either neurotypical or definitely Autistic, as one doctor said I had a mild version of it. But, as I was leaning against having Autism, as I did not have many of the common core symptoms, I could not rule it out as Autism is seen as mostly if not entirely genetic.

Such a diagnosis is not important for me, and whether I am neurotypical or Autistic should not be important for you, as I was trying to help with her relationship situation and gave reasonable advice to her, which both ASDers and Neurotypicals can do.

Marianne is free to consider all opinions from a variety of sources. Thanks!

 

[Streetwise]

I agree with his advice from my point of view how he’s trying to help me. He never did come back what hurts most is he seems to not care outwardly. Yet he’s drinking more and looking scruffy? Will he feel regret x

One thing you have to understand ,Not everybody that is autistic thinks the outward appearance is the most important .And it reminds me of how hurt I feel ,when people make a remark about my appearance, I would care more about my appearance if somebody said ,how are you ,rather than you look scruffy,even ,if you have never said that ,someone thinking it is extremely cruel and superficial ,this is why I don’t communicate with neurotypicals

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I agree with his advice from my point of view how he’s trying to help me. He never did come back what hurts most is he seems to not care outwardly. Yet he’s drinking more and looking scruffy? Will he feel regret x

Marianne, I am unsure if he is thinking much about your feelings. I just think if he was, he would have done or never done certain things, or he would have made better efforts to put you first, or came back to you, explained things more, or even apologized by now. Do at least something like that to show continued care. Yes, he may have difficulty doing such, but then if he cannot show you regret, or show other feelings, or show a desire now for you, or if he shows instability, what good is that to you?

Being shabby looking and drinking more could mean or more of many things: depression or extra stress or anxiety; not trying to please the others, putting himself first and feeling comfort by doing that, or be because maybe of being around any family person allowing that; trying to get others to notice the pain, or in the opposite case, wanting to with or without conscience drive them further away by doing such.

Regardless why he does or does not do those things, and those other things that show condition difficulties or disinterest, it sounds to me like he is acting less like a relationship material man, but more like someone who needs constant direction, assistance, or motivation to be his best. Or at least he needs to figure out who he is, wants to be, what his capabilities are, and what he needs and does not need in life, as if he does not, and does not have the ability to express or have self-love, he will have trouble in most all longer relationships.

It’s not that I think he does not or did not like you, and he probably desired your company, from what you said, and by the good things he did. I just do not think he is capable of showing commitment to you in the ways you perhaps desire or need. Perhaps he could be this way for all women he met, or may meet in the future, too, until some of those other things can happen for him, or until he gets emotionally stronger, or more relationship ready in ways.

To show temporary care and interest or love may bring hope or be a good start, but if you want a great relationship, you deserve to get back the same amount you give, if not by words, then at least by actions. I see neither the continual words or actions showing that desire or ability to express the love to you. In this regard,, I feel it’s like a fantasy relationship. Hoping that love can be shown, or with optimism that a relationship can occur, but often that hope may lead to nowhere, but more despair, if one of the two does not see much wrong in what they did, or cannot change those ways.

This may not be a reflection much on you, as often one cannot help it if they fell for someone. But, you can learn from the situation. There are those with condition and without who might not make ideal partners, or whereby the relationship would soon fizzle out because of extreme differences. In my case, my wife and I have been married just under fifteen years. We are both far from perfect, but we have compatible differences. What I can do, she cannot. And the few difficulties I have, either she wants to help with those, or I will try my best to do that myself, through self-help attempts, research, and using my self-motivation and desires to be my best there.

Try not to blame yourself, as you clearly have the best intentions and likely have much empathy and love to give from what I see. I just think you deserve a better fit for you. One that is able to express more to you, and that will want to continually want to see you and be with you. Of course you should do what you feel is right. The timing may or may not be right for you to move on, as even for relationship break-ups, or with signs of such, there is often a certain step grieving process. I am wishing that things will work out for you!