Lurker's Intro :)

[Elemental]

Hi there & welcome to the site Hope you find it an interesting, useful & fun place to be

 

[Karin]

Welcome! From another mom who found her way here and on the spectrum through one of her children

I'm hospitalized at the children's psychiatric ward with my 11 yr old daughter, who turns out to be on the spectrum and should end up with a PDD-NOS diagnosis. Her brother and dad most likely are both aspies. I probably share my daughter's diagnosis. For practical reasons I will be looking to get a diagnosis myself but at first even the staff at the hospital was surprised I considered myself on the spectrum, though they had no trouble spotting the aspies just from description.

I have begun writting down my autistic traits and I'm past #55. There are A LOT. But in part I've learned to compensate for them and in part it's just a lot less visible because I don't have problems with social skills (other than in my head) and because I can read body language well.

Oh, and all four of us are highly intelligent with no apparent link to high intelligent in the grandparents. I do see autistic traits in them, though.

 

[AHugNKiss]

And Aspies are known for looking younger than their years.
But what exactly is the NT perception of what we are supposed to look like?

They are?! I am 42 at the end of the year and most people place me at late 20's-early 30's. When they hear I have a 20 year old daughter you have to scrape them off the floor! I always put it down to not smoking, barely ever touching alcohol, and... dumb luck. My husband would say I don't have any laughter lines because I don't laugh very much!

My looks have allowed me to be closer to people than I probably would have been, particularly as a teen. I think it's true, on a superficial level, that people are drawn to 'good' looking people. But my husband, not really understanding 'that' part of my nature, seems to think it's the reason I have NO friends (well, one old friend from school but we rarely see each other). He seems to think it's a form of jealousy 'You're lovely looking and so intelligent and funny - you're a threat' And that's as it may be... his being a NT perspective. But I see that I'm not interested in most of the things the 'average' woman is and, anyway, my capacity to socialise and put the 'effort' in that appears to be needed for a friendship is limited. Very limited, in fact. The advent of the internet and chat rooms were a revelation for me - that I can interact on my terms and particularly back 'in the day' not have how I look enter the consideration at all!


You're all so welcoming and warm; there's a real feeling of 'we have similar stories': maybe my lurking days here are over

 

[Karin]

Much sounds familiar I'm 52 and am usually judged to be at least 10 years younger. I have been looking younger than my actual age since my late 20'ies but it keeps getting better.

I actively decided not to have very many friends. Casual talk bore me. I need to be on one-on-one with people who don't mind my very far-out stories and feel comfortable in my company when I am being me. Most of my friends are on-line only. It fulfills my need for contact with other people, lets me hang out with the guys without potential complications, and gives me the freedom to come and go in a conversation as it suits me.

 

[camerartus]

Interesting. What are the NT perceptions of what an Autie/Aspie looks like?
We often hear 'But you look normal'.
And Aspies are known for looking younger than their years.
But what exactly is the NT perception of what we are supposed to look like?

It's not a question of what it's "supposed" to look like, but what people think it looks like. People often assume someone an image of one who wears loud clothes with awful colors, or something. Or, dresses like the character Pat from Saturday Night Live. Or, just a nerdy style. I once had a girlfriend that did that but, I would never assume most aspies do. but it's often a cultural expectation.
I think, Zurb, people are often lumping aspies with people on the other end of the autism spectrum.

 

[AHugNKiss]

The idea of seeking diagnosis is creeping into my thoughts. If I'm absolutely honest, I think my son's disgnosis has made it clear to me that I'm on there somewhere...and instead of feeling relief/identity, I've kinda shut down. I'm a pretty pessimistic person, anyway. So if I try and grasp at what it is I'm actually feeling (I've reacted physically - a couple of weeks after his diagnosis, my body kinda shut down and I couldn't even raise my head or arms... had to lay flat for a couple of days and then strength has slowly returned. Blood tests have thrown up nothing other than a folate deficiency (which I'm taking a supplement for, now) I *think* it's akin to a...dispair. That this is who I am, and there's no fixing it.

That looks ridiculous as I type it. I know that.

But by fixing, I think I mean the way I am so rigid in my thinking (had a mini melt down earlier today because after lunch I still hadn't eaten anything at all, all day and I couldn't think of anything I would like to eat except for something we didn't have in. My husband suggested omelette. I didn't want it. But tried to persuade myself it would be fine - I *needed* to eat. He did the prep and I went into the kitchen to actually cook it and immediately feel panic that the cheese is cut up wrong (ridiculous), that he'd put baked beans in a mug to heat in the microwave instead of the pyrex jug I use (I had to move it somewhere I couldn't see it. Ridiculous), that he'd used the whisk to beat the eggs instead of a fork (for god's sake, I KNOW THIS SOUNDS STUPID) and was just... losing it. Started ranting to myself it was all wrong and I didn't want it. Cooked it, and left it there for him to eat and couldn't touch it.

He puts up with this kind of insane craziness from me all the time but today he lost his temper a bit and shouted at me that I was like a child.

I know that.

Knowing it doesn't help the rising panic and out-of-nowhere anger that just blows up. How is getting myself an 'official' label going to change this part of me? It won't will it?

 

[Datura]

That sounds like a rather severe eppisode. Has anything similar happened to you in the past?

The rigid thinking can be hard to work with. I've pretty much given up on yoga because my mom rearranged the furniature and I don't like the current layout. She came up with all kinds of alternative suggestions, like going to a studio, or modifying some of my exercises, but I am dead set on perorming yoga in my living room with the furniature arranged a certain way, so I haven't been doing it at all.

This same impulse makes it really hard to collaborate with people or deal with unexpected complications in a plan. It's like somebody placing a boulder in your path and deciding to dig a tunnel through it rather than simply walk around. Ridiculous. We would probably both be better off if we learned to "go with the flow" a bit more.

 

[Nisk]

How one gets autism is still much under debate and study. There are a lot of studies on that. But so far no 'smoking gun' per se, and instead a wide variety of factors are considered to be involved. The most evident factor that I am aware of is the hereditary link, but it isn't the only one and several others have been identified as increasing the chances of a child having autism. Some that come to mind are called environmental, such as the mother being in proximity to pesticides and heavy air pollution during the pregnancy. Others are difficulties at birth and advanced age of the father. All these factors, and others can weigh in and at some point you can say it reaches a tipping point and the autism results. It is likely very complicated. So far 100 different genetic areas are identified as participating in the determination. No one has all 100 of the areas configured to more likely produce autism. An autistic will have several of them but everyone has different ones basically. Some may not be directly autistim related, but instead be a variation that will support an autistic result.

It was until recently generally accepted the main factor was heredity. That is under re-evaluation as more evidence is surfacing on environmental factors.

Me personnally, I think the surge in autism is not just better reporting, but real. I think the prime cause of the surge is environmental, the by-product of exposure to pollutions and chemicals in the 20th century (and continuing today). I am not sure but think that an autism caused by say exposure to pesticides can then perpetuate itself in later generations hereditarily, which would increase the numbers by propagation.

Maybe environmental conditions triggering predisposed genetics. Kind of like how if your family has a history of cancer and you smoke there's a higher cancer risk?

 

[ancusmitis]

It is nice to meet you.

 

[Karin]

No, getting a diagnosis is not going to change who you are. It might be the way to understand yourself better, though. And even to get some training in handling some of your challenges.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

...after lunch I still hadn't eaten anything at all, all day and I couldn't think of anything I would like to eat except for something we didn't have in. My husband suggested omelette. I didn't want it. But tried to persuade myself it would be fine - I *needed* to eat. He did the prep and I went into the kitchen to actually cook it and immediately feel panic that the cheese is cut up wrong (ridiculous), that he'd put baked beans in a mug to heat in the microwave instead of the pyrex jug I use (I had to move it somewhere I couldn't see it. Ridiculous), that he'd used the whisk to beat the eggs instead of a fork (for god's sake, I KNOW THIS SOUNDS STUPID) and was just... losing it. Started ranting to myself it was all wrong and I didn't want it. Cooked it, and left it there for him to eat and couldn't touch it.

He puts up with this kind of insane craziness from me all the time but today he lost his temper a bit and shouted at me that I was like a child.

I know that.

Knowing it doesn't help the rising panic and out-of-nowhere anger that just blows up. How is getting myself an 'official' label going to change this part of me? It won't will it?

I've done things like this, with the food and then being "insanely picky." The deal is not that you, or I, acquire a label, but that with the label comes a set of renegotiable expectations. For instance, some things just "are"--they aren't problems to solve. That means they're not excuses, and acknowledging them means you can assert the right to be treated like an adult, not shouted at like a child, because there's reason and thought and reality behind the behavior. It's not random, and it's not coming from some kind of agenda. It just is.

I find that the anger doesn't actually come out of nowhere. It accumulates from all the margins, the little things that "shouldn't matter" but do, and the avoidance of massing anxiety. It is why so many of us do operate like bombs, from the point of view of people around us; which is not to say that it's true of you. I'd been likened to a volcano in my earlier years. I could never explain why I don't reliably know that I'm angry, or why I may also get furiously angry over something that won't seem so bad later.

We are, all of us, like children at times, aspies perhaps more often in some ways. It is not always bad to be child-like; it's useful to know when you just don't have the words, and it's not because you're wilfully withholding them.

cheers,
A4H

 

[Tom]

Knowing it doesn't help the rising panic and out-of-nowhere anger that just blows up. How is getting myself an 'official' label going to change this part of me? It won't will it?

Better self-understanding, self control (like seeing things coming and taking evasive action to prevent an escalation - there are other strategies) and possibly meds. If it is ASD one thing that helped me was figuring out in each situation if I or an ASD tendency was in control. Once you can distinguish between the two the ASD looses some of its potency. You know its over-reacting, etc. ASD doesn't have a med per se so you have to figure out with a doctor which co-morbid may be contributing.

 

[camerartus]

The idea of seeking diagnosis is creeping into my thoughts. If I'm absolutely honest, I think my son's disgnosis has made it clear to me that I'm on there somewhere...and instead of feeling relief/identity, I've kinda shut down. I'm a pretty pessimistic person, anyway. So if I try and grasp at what it is I'm actually feeling (I've reacted physically - a couple of weeks after his diagnosis, my body kinda shut down and I couldn't even raise my head or arms... had to lay flat for a couple of days and then strength has slowly returned. Blood tests have thrown up nothing other than a folate deficiency (which I'm taking a supplement for, now) I *think* it's akin to a...dispair. That this is who I am, and there's no fixing it.

That looks ridiculous as I type it. I know that.

But by fixing, I think I mean the way I am so rigid in my thinking (had a mini melt down earlier today because after lunch I still hadn't eaten anything at all, all day and I couldn't think of anything I would like to eat except for something we didn't have in. My husband suggested omelette. I didn't want it. But tried to persuade myself it would be fine - I *needed* to eat. He did the prep and I went into the kitchen to actually cook it and immediately feel panic that the cheese is cut up wrong (ridiculous), that he'd put baked beans in a mug to heat in the microwave instead of the pyrex jug I use (I had to move it somewhere I couldn't see it. Ridiculous), that he'd used the whisk to beat the eggs instead of a fork (for god's sake, I KNOW THIS SOUNDS STUPID) and was just... losing it. Started ranting to myself it was all wrong and I didn't want it. Cooked it, and left it there for him to eat and couldn't touch it.

He puts up with this kind of insane craziness from me all the time but today he lost his temper a bit and shouted at me that I was like a child.

I know that.

Knowing it doesn't help the rising panic and out-of-nowhere anger that just blows up. How is getting myself an 'official' label going to change this part of me? It won't will it?

You're kind of making me wonder of my mother is on the spectrum. The whole eating issue you're having sounds just like the thing that she is notorious for. [emoji6]

 

[tree]

AHugNKiss

 

[Warmheart]

Welcome to AC! It's okay to lurk and just read when you're feeling overwhelmed by life and shutdown. Lots of us do that, too. You are doing what you need to recharge. All your strengths and beautiful talents are still there, you're just giving your brain a break.

I'm optimistic for your son(s), and for you. Understanding of what his supports will be can in time become suggestions of which supports may also help you, as well.

Welcome here!

 

[Crossbreed]

If you are seeking out a diagnosis, and have a Mensa-level IQ, seek out someone versed in Twice Exceptional[ity?].* That combination of expertise is more rare, but giftedness can mask ASD symptoms for those who don't know the former. It is a very common source of misdiagnosis.

*Commonly abbreviated as 2E.

 

[Crossbreed]

Knowing it doesn't help the rising panic and out-of-nowhere anger that just blows up. How is getting myself an 'official' label going to change this part of me? It won't will it?

My "engineer" side is able to factor in these feelings and delay a response. I still feel them but know that if I bite my lip, that feeling passes in seconds without me adding insult to injury.

 

[malortie]

AHugNKiss

Welcome to the forums.

I, along with the others will be glad to help you if you have any question related to the spectrum.