Brief update:
I looked at a car last night - yep, I had to get me mum to drive me over there.
I knew the model, knew what to look for, liked the color, chatted to the bloke for a minute, went to get in to go for a test drive.. to be presented with a hand, palm out, for the keys - an intent mother climbing into the driving seat saying, "I know all about these cars, I'll soon tell you if it's any good or not".
Well thanks, mum, how
would I have coped
Excellent condition, reasonable price, I bought it.. actually I had to ask my mum for the money - in front of the bloke!
I'd have knocked £50 off as the headlights are plastic and have gone milky, but mum was enthusing about how lovely it is, so I figured I'd lost the buyers edge by that point.
At least she didn't say, "What's the magic word then?".. "fank oo mummy"
She
did try to change my nappy in the back seat before we left, though
Consciously maintaining an inner sense of calm and just going along with it is the only way I've ever found to cope here - the many and varied ways I've employed over the years to remind her that I'm a competent adult could have been equally well received by a rock, I feel!
First, BRAVO! Because not many can achieve what you achieved with the car!
Second: alas, I have to point to my husband in this instance, for he treats me like a child often. I hope that will chance soon enough, and it better change because really at 45, who likes being treated like a child and especially by one's own "romantic" partner?!!!!
Aw, shucks,
Suzanne, thanks, but
you could have done the same
From my own experience with a partner, I think it's very difficult to have a good, mature relationship if it's rocked by this dynamic.. I felt resentment at being made to feel inferior and that was difficult to let go of after several years of similar occurrences.
How does he deal with you pointing it out?
I think there's two ways to look at this sort of parental behavior. The first approach is to infer a desire for power and control. This is, admittedly, where my mind first goes whenever my mom does stuff like this. The second, though, is a little more optimistic. I'm not a parent, but I imagine that being a parent is an all-consuming job. For years, parents are dedicated almost entirely to their children, and I think many of them derive much of their self-worth and pride from their role as a parent, during those childhood years.* I imagine it's a strange and traumatizing experience when their children are suddenly independent and self-sufficient. I think my mom is actually at her happiest when she feels like she is doing something for me and my sister, when she feels like we need her. As annoying as it is, or as much as she might even tease us about how much she has done for us, I think doing for us really does make her feel good. Though it does suck that, in her attempts to feel needed again, she infantilizes us.
Both points agreed.
I think, though, that there's a crossover here - my mum can't let go of the parent to young child relationship, even though that was 40 years ago - she never got used to me being married or owning my own house, business..
life.
She still tries to make decisions for me, questions decisions I make - I washed the car today, after a 10 minute discussion over whether it needed it
There's an
automatic assumption of power and control and she is
still traumatised that her babies left home 30 years ago.
My boys are growing up - my oldest is a man, my youngest has his own mind.
I was there when they came into the world, I fathered and nurtured them as they grew and learned where and who they are.. now I'm their friend - I'm still their father, of course, but the
role is becoming unnecessary now as I find I'm learning from
them.
I don't try to hold on to it, or them - being a father doesn't define me, it's the role I fulfilled (with pleasure) when it was necessary.
Then you are blessed with caring and understanding people who have a sense of humor. I've not always been so lucky.
I'm blessed with the support of understanding friends here on AC,
On the Inside, yourself included.
Oh Spiller, my compassion for your misadventures! Yikes! I wish you a fabulous car
.. no, a
rocketship!
I can relate. My spectrum-y behavior sets me apart, and I am unable to drive. Also, I need some supports/services to function optimally. People sometimes treat me as if I were a child. Frustrating. I may opt to keep quiet if it's someone who is assisting me, is elderly, well-meaning, etc. However, I may choose to tell them that I am going to do things a different way. This will remind them that I am an adult, and intend to make my own choices.
It is hard to set healthy boundaries when the person breaking 'em basically just means well or if I need their help. I make the call for politely. obliquely asserting my adulthood on a case-by-case basis.
Thank you,
Warmheart, not misadventures, though - the dry-ice effect over the dash and ankle deep on the floor was amazing.. I've been speculating as to how I could set that up intentionally. I'd replace the overheat alarm with some appropriately themed music though; Vincent Price's voiceover from Michael Jackson's 'Thriller', or the theme from '2001 A Space Odyssey.. give it a rocketship-feel
I completely agree with politely and obliquely asserting yourself, though I do find that other, forceful personalities still attempt to overwhelm.. and I maintain that you haven't met my mum
My own incident: I told my mom on the phone yesterday that Harrison purchased something we're excited about; not something super-extravagant, but not something my mother understands. My sisters and I have all had a lot of financial ups and downs, so whenever we buy something "fun", take a vacation or anything whatsoever that isn't practical, she always has to give us a little sermon about Needs vs. Wants. Suffice it to say that Harrison, who is only four years younger than my mother, is now officially her son. Her immediate reaction was, "How much did that cost him? Aren't you guys supposedly to be saving for your move?" The usual sermon followed. She doesn't sound angry or anything -- just what I guess you would call "Mom Frustrated". I told him about it this morning and it made him smile.
I've had this
in spades all my life - I'm the best at saving money
ever!
I see this as a wartime mindset - the societal directive back then was 'Make do'. I think the mental/emotional scarring from that time has lingered on..
I actually realised recently that I never got into spending money on myself in all the years I've worked - with that realisation I've made a pact with myself that I'm going to enjoy some of my hard-earned, even when times are tight!
Needs vs Wants.. sometimes putting a smile on your face is a Need, I think.
All my lack-of-respect issues are squarely on age. I'm in my mid-20s, so I get baggage dumped on me from dolts my own age making bad decisions.
There is a mild parenting struggle over my kid, but I gained a lot of respect and freedom from most of my relatives when they deemed me a competent parent. It didn't take too many examples to win them over. One elderly couple will likely never be won over, but that's more due to the quality of their relationship than anything to do with me. They're used to relying on each other for everything, so even though I am standing RIGHT THERE while I let my kid play with them, they will ask each other to watch him when they have to go do something.
Oooo, 'Competent parent syndrome', yes indeedy!
When both my kids were babies I'd change all their nappies as their mother didn't like doing it, hug them if they fell and hurt themselves then clean up the wound - you know the sort of stuff.. it wasn't uncommon for another mother to move me out of the way and take over! With
my kids!
I expect being male had a lot to do with it - back then men didn't get involved with babies (bonding
that closely with my boys is, far and away, the best thing I've done in my life - for them and me) - but I
did have a battle to be thought of as a competent parent!
Good luck on taming mom,but keep in mind that mothers hold their children's hands for a little while and their hearts forever.
I would find her another task to perform on car buying day
It sounds to me like you were chasing your tail so to speak with your repairs,but sometimes the only way to know for sure is to get dirty first and you went about it properly. Well done big guy,you make me proud of you.
As a former automotive repair business owner/technician,I am going to have to say your car died it's horrible death from the first overheat when the heater core failed and you hot blocked it back home.I haven't found an engine yet that likes to be "heat treated" as we call it. You have described perfectly all the indicators of a blown cylinder head gasket that led to the demise of your engine.
Thanks,
Nitro, high praise indeed from the Master!
I'm gonna jack it up and see where the oil's coming from - maybe it's a silly little thing (said he hopefully), won't know till I look.. then I'll evaluate from there.
I made sure the temp. gauge didn't hit the stop all the way home and kept feeding it water, but I appreciate that uneven, excessive heating doesn't win awards for increasing engine performance by distorting the block
It's a VW diesel too and they're tough, so I'm still surprised it's been such a dog.. but hey-ho.
All parents are certainly different; this is just one possible way to frame certain parental behaviors.
