Manners CAN cost!

[Neonatal RRT]

So everyone knows who I am and my life just by looking at the way I walk? That sounds unsettling.

No. A more accurate statement might be that there are a few people out there who have learned to assess behavioral nuances and use it to their advantage.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I knew what you meant. It wasn't helpful though. I hate when people on autism sites start telling me that strangers can see I'm an idiot by the way I walk and all that.
So now I can easily be targeted by criminals too? That's not very reassuring.

No. There was never a suggestion, at all, that "strangers can see you are an idiot". Only you went there. But, yes, folks on the autism spectrum are often targeted. Start reading half these threads on the forums. Many people, including myself, have been treated poorly and taken advantage of by all sorts of people, including people we should be able to love and trust.

 

[Aspiecats]

I don't see a lot of civility or politeness. People do it when they think it's expedient (or necessary to preserve their reputation), but when they see a person who doesn't have social links for their rudeness to propagate, they decide they've found a convenient dead-end to dump their baggage, and that's you, loner.

Levitator, you are so right on, how people play up to those that have sway in their lives and the rest of the population is treated like dirt.

 

[Aspiecats]

lol. I hope I'm not rubbing off on you, because you sound like me now. I mean, I know my posture is poor. I have more important things to focus on than whether I'm impressing people with the extent of my full stature, and besides my upper back muscles are always sore. But, yeah, people can look at you and tell you're a slouchy "dufus", so you tend to be solitary, and that makes you vulnerable. I mean that only in the most commiserating way, though.

There are many perspectives to look at it from, and they're all pretty depressing. I will probably just accept that my "style" is ugly to most people, and instead look for similar people who either don't care, or don't see it that way. I think diversity is beautiful, and I try to expand my notion of it so that I can see more of it. I have a ton of allergies, my feet are flat, I have lousy muscle tone, my sinuses are always closed, so that makes me sound even more monotone and guttural, and it intensifies the impression I lack self-awareness. But you know what? I'm eventually going to boil it down to "I'm ugly to most people", and then stop worrying about it. It's their problem.

You have great eyebrows and nice hair. You aren't ugly to me. But, I understand where you are coming from. I feel ugly now, that I am old and grey. I am so non descript that I don't think anyone even notices my existence anymore.

 

[Levitat0r]

You have great eyebrows and nice hair. You aren't ugly to me. But, I understand where you are coming from. I feel ugly now, that I am old and grey. I am so non descript that I don't think anyone even notices my existence anymore.

Well, I could do with some manscaping, but it's not devastating my self-esteem, or anything. As I said, you can ignore the hate, but the deprivation it causes does not ignore you. It's not subjective, and it's nothing you can positive -Tony-Robbins-motivational-mental-magic your way out of.

 

[Southern_Gentleman]

OK, so these are just some thoughts bubbling up - let me know what you think.
Living in an NT world we are constantly trying to work out what is expected of us. We may do this by trying out actions/responses and see if we get approval for them. I know, in my own case, this led to a whole people-pleasing, seeking-external-validation emotional trap that has shaped my psyche. So I guess where I am going with this is that our efforts to “fit in” may condition many of us to feel hypersensitive about upsetting others. I see echoes of this in so many of the discussions here, but @Misty Avich has given a concrete example of this dynamic in action which helped to bring these ideas to the surface.

". . . constantly trying to work out what is expected of us." Very well said!!! I've found that as I get older my effort to work it out isn't as great as it was when I was younger. I suppose that's why I have a reputation as being salty and some younger folks look to me as some sort of sage. Still, to quote Ten Bears, "There's iron in your words."

 

[Levitat0r]

Well, I could do with some manscaping, but it's not devastating my self-esteem, or anything. As I said, you can ignore the hate, but the deprivation it causes does not ignore you. It's not subjective, and it's nothing you can positive -Tony-Robbins-motivational-mental-magic your way out of.

And, like I said, it's less about physical appearance, and it's more about the way that if people don't like the style they perceive, you're socially dead in the water. They think you're an object because they can't (they refuse?) to relate to you. I see all physical shapes and conditions of people live a social life. If people can't read your face, however, you may find yourself living under a bridge, and that's terrible.

 

[Aspiecats]

Well, I could do with some manscaping, but it's not devastating my self-esteem, or anything. As I said, you can ignore the hate, but the deprivation it causes does not ignore you. It's not subjective, and it's nothing you can positive -Tony-Robbins-motivational-mental-magic your way out of.

I personally rely on eyebrows for facial expressions and gauging what "I think people are expressing" People without eyebrows are difficult to read in my humble opinion.

 

[Levitat0r]

I personally rely on eyebrows for facial expressions and gauging what "I think people are expressing" People without eyebrows are difficult to read in my humble opinion.

Like I said, I think I look fine. The problem is that people don't seem to understand or care about anything that I say, plus they are randomly nasty. I can tell you an anecdote from about ten minutes ago. I walk into a store, I buy a pack of Oreos and I eat it slowly while absentmindedly walking the aisles. "Sir, did you need anything else?" "[with mouth still full] Just snacks." "You mean like the one you just ate?" "[throws wrapper away]". It's like what? Why are you rushing me? That occasion is slightly ambiguous, but I remember another time I was thrown out of a gas station for standing off to the side and eating what I bought there.

 

[Aspiecats]

Like I said, I think I look fine. The problem is that people don't seem to understand or care about anything that I say, plus they are randomly nasty. I can tell you an anecdote from about ten minutes ago. I walk into a store, I buy a pack of Oreos and I eat it slowly while absentmindedly walking the aisles. "Sir, did you need anything else?" "[with mouth still full] Just snacks." "You mean like the one you just ate?" "[throws wrapper away]". It's like what? Why are you rushing me? That occasion is slightly ambiguous, but I remember another time I was thrown out of a gas station for standing off to the side and eating what I bought there.

People can be such asses. If you purchased the oreos what is the issue with you wandering around eating them? Was there a no food allowed sign?

 

[Levitat0r]

No, that's just how people are to me. They think that if you don't talk, walk, and move a certain way, you're suspicious or not human. I'm sick of it. Not of the individual people, but of the larger consequences which are to be exiled to the fringe of society.

 

[Nervous Rex]

@Misty Avich, yes manners are good and kindness is free and all that, but those pushy people are abusing the social contract. It is wrong to be pushy and aggressive and then get offended when someone is rude.

I am sometimes polite-but-firm and sometimes rude - depending on my own social energy at the moment.

The best way I have heard of to get rid of people like that is to tell them you already have whatever it is they're selling. "I just bought that earlier. It's at home / in my car / at my desk."

In some large stores and malls here (in the US), it's common for a company to set up a small kiosk or table to try to sell phone service, cable service, etc. to passersby. I just tell them, "Yes, I have Sprint / Comcast / AT&T / Charter / etc." .... and then keep walking.

Another way to avoid being interrupted is to look focused and preoccupied. It's easier to walk by and pretend you didn't notice them.

 

[Misty Avich]

Another way to avoid being interrupted is to look focused and preoccupied. It's easier to walk by and pretend you didn't notice them.

I do often do this but I still feel rude. I just wish they wouldn't make me feel bad.

 

[Misty Avich]

No. There was never a suggestion, at all, that "strangers can see you are an idiot". Only you went there. But, yes, folks on the autism spectrum are often targeted. Start reading half these threads on the forums. Many people, including myself, have been treated poorly and taken advantage of by all sorts of people, including people we should be able to love and trust.

This thread wasn't a "why do salespeople stop me but no others?" thread. I see these salespeople try to stop everyone who walks by, and most of the time I ignore them. But then I feel guilty, especially when people online tell me that I should be more charitable because they could be homeless and all that, or that I should at least be polite. So that jogged my guilty conscience and made me force myself to make eye contact and tell them "no thank you", which was what they wanted me (a random passerby, nothing to do with my huge neon sign saying "I AM GULLIBLE!" on my forehead that people on autism sites thinks everyone with autism has no matter what) to do.
Usually when they do target people due to signs of vulnerability, it's usually elderly people or people with visible disabilities like Downs Syndrome. But these salespeople in my city don't. They just target anyone who pays them any sort of attention, whether you're a largely built NT extrovert guy with tattoos and a cocky way of walking, or a weak little mouse like me.