Marriage Problems

[Freckles]

I was hoping that someone had some advice for me. My wife and I are both self-diagnosed Aspies. We've been married for 8 years and together for 14, since we were teenagers. We've been happy, for the most part, for all that time and have had many adventures and have a lot of great memories together.

We've lived all over the US and have had different jobs, sometimes working together, sometimes apart, sometimes we make friends and sometimes we don't. Through all that we've been through, we've always been each other's best friend and soulmate.

Sounds like a great situation, doesn't it? Well we started having problems a couple months ago and things are deteriorating fast. She was given a promotion at work that included a $2,000 salary bump and an assistant. She was put in charge of interviewing and picking this person from a few candidates. She had never done this sort of thing before and was nervous because she didn't like any of them, so she asked my advice and described them to me. Two were middle-aged woman (both of which she described as being rude to her and seemed to feel they were above being an assistant) and a 45 year old gay man that she said was obviously mentally unstable. I assumed she was exaggerating on the mentally unstable part (found out later she wasn't) and advised her to hire him. After all, she said he was very eager to get the job and I thought he would help unburden her work load.

About a month after she hired him, we all got together at a Christmas party for her work. I went out of my way to include him in conversations and make him feel comfortable when others tried to exclude him for his abnormal behavior (he has a way of making everyone around him uncomfortable.) My wife and I were invited out for drinks afterwards and her assistant kind of invited himself along. The other members of our group didn't want him there but still I stuck up for him. The couple we were with actually left the bar early because he made them uncomfortable, but I stayed until after midnight talking with him and my wife, even as they discussed work for hours, leaving me out of the conversation.

For a month after that, everything was cool. I took her out on dates and have been the hopeless romantic I've always been and she seemed as happy with me as can be. Then one day after dinner, she tells me that her assistant needs some help going through his dead mother's things. It turns out that his mom died twenty years ago, but his father's house is still filled with her things. Yes, he is 45 and still living with his father. Anyway, I offered to help with the heavy lifting, but my wife insisted it would be an emotional time and that I should stay at home. That Saturday, she left at 8am and told me she'd be back by 2pm. I was feeling a little jealous, not because I thought there was anything going on between them, but because the weekend is our time away from work that we spend together. I waited around for her to come back, but by 4pm I still hadn't heard from her. I had our only phone and assumed she would call me. By 6, my wife's mom called asking where she was because they were supposed to meet up for tea. I explained that she was helping her friend separate some stuff and that I'd let her know she called when I saw her. My wife came home, where I'd been waiting for her her for ten and a half hours now, and stopped by for a second to get her bank card because her assistant?s family was so grateful to have her help them that they wanted to all go out to a nice restaurant. I asked if I could come and was told that she thought it'd be awkward because I wasn't invited. Her mom called again about 8pm, worried that she hadn't heard from her all day and they were supposed to meet up. I had to explain to her that she went out for dinner with that friend's family. This seemed to make her mom upset, but I didn't really know what else to say. Her mom called again at 11pm very worried about her daughter. I was very worried too but didn't want to seem like the jealous husband, so I again stuck up for her and told her mom that she probably just got to talking and forgot about the time. Her mom said that she was getting worried about her driving because it was starting to snow. (also it's not like my wife at all to be doing something social let alone all day and night) I again promised I'd call when I heard from her.

At about midnight, I was startled by shouting outside my house. It was my wife in her car and her parents in the other, screaming at each other. I stood at the door and watched as we wife stomped towards me and my in-laws sped off. She shouted at me "You sent my parents after me? You treat me like a child." I insisted that I did know such thing. She stomped upstairs. I told her I was worried about her and asked why she didn't call to say she'd be late. She shouted that she's an adult and she can do whatever she wants.

She told me that her parents had tracked her friend down and were sitting outside his house when she and her assistant pulled into the driveway. Her mom started smacking the driver side window and screaming that her husband (me) didn't know where she was. Her parents threatened him to stay away from their daughter, (They're both a little crazy) and escorted her home to make sure she didn't go somewhere else. I swore to my wife and I swear to you reading this that I had no idea that my in-laws would make such a spectacle. My wife claims that after dinner they had to go to the local grocery store/pharmacy because her assistant ran out of hormone replacement drugs and needed to get some right away and that she would have called but he forgot his cellphone in the bed of his pick-up. Not only is this a ridicules story but an obvious lie. His phone wouldn't be in the bed of his truck (it was snowing and why would he toss it there) But also, we live in a small town and there is no pharmacy open past eight.

(Continued below)

 

[Freckles]

(Continued from above)

I never got cross with her, just explained that I was worried about not knowing where she was. None the less, after that she pretty much ignored me. For the next week, I tried my best to be there for her, asking if anything was wrong and trying to help her have a good time with me. At first, I figured that I was getting needy. NT couples probably go out separately and it's no big deal. I thought that because she was at work all day (with him), that maybe she needed some alone time, as Aspies often do. She's been distant towards me since then. I plan out dates, out to dinner, out to a movie, watching her favorite show (Game of Thrones), she doesn't want to do anything with me. She just stays in our bedroom and listens to music or will go to the gym with me but barely speaks to me. That week, her assistant invited her out to dinner with his family and she accepted and once again was out late into the night.

A few days later was Valentine's Day and even though she's treated me badly, I still wanted to repair our relationship, so I hand delivered a bouquet of roses to her work. (No easy feat because I don't drive) Her assistant seemed startled when I came in. The other women there were eweing and aweing at how romantic I was. It turned out that she got me a present too, tickets to see a play that I had been wanting to see. I got dressed up, thinking wow this is going to be where I turn things around. I know this is a family website so I'll try to keep things as PG as possible. By intermission, things were getting flirty. We walked around the outside of the theater and she said that the play was boring and that she'd love to get home and "be romantic". I kind of wanted to finish the play, but wanted to seem fun and spontaneous so I agreed. We were kissing as we got in the door and things were definitely getting passionate when all in the sudden she stopped and said she had to go to the bathroom. I didn't think anything of it. I waited for her in the bedroom, a half hour passed and I eventually asked if she was okay in there. She answers "yeah I?m fine, do you want to finish now?" We commenced, with her once again seeming disinterested, and then she got in the shower. I picked up the cell phone and discovered that the whole time I was waiting for her, she was texting her assistant. How crazy is that? It wasn't sexy talk; it was just an idea for a business they were talking about. I brought it to her attention and told her I was uncomfortable with her texting another man mid-coitus. She, once again, told me that she was an adult and would do what ever and talk to whoever she likes.

She went out to dinner with him and his family a week after that (yesterday). She dressed up to go out with make up and all and asked me how she looked before she left. I told her the truth, that I thought she might get kicked out of the restaurant for wearing it. Her skirt was so short that the bottom of her cheeks were actually visible. She once again gave me the classic "I'll do what I want" and left, this time till two in the morning. I was so worried about her. I told her to take the phone with her so I wouldn't have to deal with her mother if she should call. Not having the phone and being worried about her, I eventually (about 1 am) walked to a gas station payphone a couple blocks away and called. (Her cell phone was off)

She came in at 2, stinking of cigarettes (she doesn't smoke) and has an attitude while all the while I'd been very nice and level headed about the whole thing. I asked her where she was and she pushed passed me and said she needed to take her contacts out, leaving me standing there and at the point of tears at two am. I stood in front of the bathroom to force her to talk to me. She opened the door and said "do you want to watch me pee too?" Although she was very rude, I kept my composure and gave her some privacy. When asked again where she was all night, she told me that she had to be at work in six hours and that she couldn't talk now. I pushed the point and she eventually said that she's attracted to this man and has basically been dating him.

I still was very calm and explained that I wasn't okay with this and she said she'd talk to me about it later, that she had to talk to her therapist before having this conversation with me. And that's where I am now. Her therapy appointment is in a few hours and I think she is about to tell me that she 1) either doesn't want to be married to me anymore or 2) expects me to be okay with her dating another man. I'm not okay with either of these choices. I had no idea when I advised her to hire him that all of this would happen, but I suppose if she would fall for a 45 year old gay man (she's 27) then it was only a matter of time.

I treat her like gold. I do all the chores, we spend all our money on stuff for her, I'm fun and entertaining even when I don't feel like it, I take her on many romantic outings. I work hard to be the perfect husband; I have no idea what went wrong.

So all of you out there in Aspie Land, do you have any advice? Have I been too nice about it? Would she respond better if I shouted? I've considered going out with friends without her to make her jealous, but that just seems childish. I don't know what I'd do with out her; she's been my whole world for half my life. I don't even know where I would go or what I would do if she no longer wanted to be with me.

 

[imagesbyholly]

I have to make this short, but I may write more later. My husband and I have been together since 15, and have been married 9 and 1/2 years, so your story caught my eye . This may have something to do with a woman's need for girlfriends, despite a good marriage. Being an aspie, it may be easier for her to be friends with guys- at least that's how it is for me. So gay guy, a bit needy, could fill a girlfriend gap or even a mothering instinct to an extent. Hopefully I can catch up and write more after I read the rest of your story. But take heart- my husband and I have been through worse things than what this situations sounds like so far, but got through it, forgave, and came out stronger and more loving on the other side. And no, he was NOT a hopeless romantic! Points for you!

Also, the 7-8 year time in a marriage is kind of weird. Ours was, and I've heard that it is common. Sort of a wave you have to ride to get to the good stuff. It does seem irresponsible of her, but nevertheless I would probably be very upset and irrational if my parents suddenly showed up practically accusing me of adultery, screaming and banging on my car window. She may need some time to relax before she can have a calm conversation about it and hear your side generously.

 

[Freckles]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, imagesbyholly.

I'm not sure if the whole thing started out as a friendship, but it has turned into somthing else entirely by now. I sincerely hope that our marriage can recover. I love her so much and would do anything to repair our relationship, short of being okay with her dating another man.

 

[Soup]

" Would she respond better if I shouted? I've considered going out with friends without her to make her jealous, but that just seems childish. I don't know what I'd do with out her; she's been my whole world for half my life. I don't even know where I would go or what I would do if she no longer wanted to be with me." -Freckles

First off, forget everything in this paragraph. Engaging in a bunch of manipulative head-games to play with raw emotions like jealousy & fear of abandonment will definitely lead to places you cannot predict or control & you don't want to go there.

I too am an Aspie married to an Aspie so your post caught my eye too. Seems like there are many things going on here. Although you were worried, getting her parents involved & turning it into a search party was absurd. I know you are married & you were worried (BUT jealous too) but this is not a 14 yr old girl & she is under no obligation to ensure that you know exactly where she is & what she is doing every waking hour of the day. Even if you were 'expecting' to hear from her or for her to be home at a given time, you need to take a deep breath & stop being paternalistic. You are her husband & she is an adult & if you treat her like a minor under your tutelage, everything you fear WILL happen.

The 2 of you seem to have become very serious very quickly & sometimes that works out just fine. Somcetimes, though, a person grows up & begins to feel like the other person has somehow 'robbed' them of their youth & freedom & they want to stretch their wings & live a little. I am NOT supporting or encouraging adultery in any form but I see where the partner can feel like a captive & want some freedom & space.

This is not the only time you have had trust issues with your wife. In the first post you mention her promotion & the selection of an assistant. When she came to YOU as her partner & sought your input, you didn't take her at her word, assumed she was 'exaggerating' about something very serious & you didn't take her at her word. Now that she hired this person who was known to be mentally unstable & you're experiencing problems because of it, you can see where distrust in a marriage can lead. Why had you assumed she was 'exaggerating'?

As to whether or not she's cheating, I really have no idea & would not accuse her based on such flimsy 'evidence'. You describe yourself as being very romantic. Is it possible that you may be monopolizing her life & smothering her a little? She may not need the level of romance or intimacy that you need & you may have to back off a little. This is NOT to say that you are doing something wrong, malicious or have bad intentions: it just may be too much for her in the stage of life she is now in.

Would she be willing to enter into marriage counseling with you? It seems like an objective 3rd party may be able to help you sort out & separate your issues & help each of you see the other person's perspective. The 3rd party may also be able to give you better communication & conflict tools so that when problems do inevitably arise (happens in every marriage now & then) you can fight fairly & constructively, find common ground & even prevent certain disagreements from spiraling out of control like this one has. No matter what you ultimately decide to do together, you cannot treat her like a recalcitrant teen who has broken her curfew.

 

[imagesbyholly]

That is such a bummer. I see I should have waited for part two. I'm sorry things are going so badly- that is a major betrayal. Since you still don't want to lose her, going to marriage counseling would probably be the best option if she is willing. She is being very childish, not following her gut the first time and deferring to you, and being irresponsible with the heart you gave her.

I would have been terrified too, and so would my husband, if the other coming home in the middle of the night. You are a family- yes you should be careful not to treat her like a child and if you have in the past, that was wrong. That can certainly make a woman want to rebel, but this is no late night party with girlfriends, it is betrayal.

 

[Undiagnosed]

If you can handle it I say set back , take a deep breath and see if it blows over. I don't think I could do that. My partner going out and not telling me where he is and then telling me he is attracted to the person he's been staying out with. No I wouldn't have the patience. But you sound to be more patient than I am. My niece was married to her husband and they have a little girl and she went threw a spell where she found a 'best friend' that she was spending all her time with. The girl was lezbian and looked and acted like a boy. My niece and her were obviousley attracted to one another. My neice was giddy like she was in 'puppy love' with the girl. Well it lasted a few months and thn blew over like 'puppy love' or a passing crush will. Her and her husband are still together and that's been a few years ago. Your wife hasn't know this guy long enouygh to know if she REALLY likes him. If he is mentally unstable and gay I would not expect it to last. I am not saying it is ok. I am jsut saying if the end result you want is to stay with your wife I don't see what else you can do. Counseling? No I don't think she's gonna be open to it right now. Mabey when or if this crush or whatever it is blows uver. The tighter you try to hold on the harder she will pull away. I sugest you find other things to do. Do you with friends not to retaliate but to have something else to spend your time and get your mind on.

And by the way I don't think you were ureasonable in what you described. Yes she is an adult but she is also your partner and you have a right to be conserned if she is going out and staying out late and dosn't want you to contact her and dosn't call you. That is just certosy and you know there is a problem and you are acting on that. I know I would have a problem if I had a husband and that happened. I'm not saying acuse someone but just saying your naturally going to be concerned and wonder what's up. And you didn't call her parents on her. You only told them she was out when they called to ask for her and sounds like they took it upon themselves to go out looking for her. If you had or did call them or start them looking for her that's different.

And one more thing. Don't sit around and blamb yourself, wondeirng what you did wrong. Might not be anything you did or didn't do. Might just be something she's going threw. I you two get threw this you can have a long talk about what if anything needs to change.

 

[Freckles]

imagesbyholly, Soup, and Undiagnosed thank you so very much for your advice. I don't feel that I can talk to anybody I know about the sittuation at this time and it is really nice to hear what others think about it.

Please understand that I had no idea that her parents would hunt them down; her mom called worried and I told her everything was fine and that she was just having dinner with a friend.

All three of you suggested marriage counceling if she would agree to it. I am more than willing and will bring it up to her when/if she comes home.

 

[Freckles]

UPDATE

She came home after speaking to her therepist, who advised her to "see where her feelings take her." My wife took this as telling her to leave to see if she still wanted to be with me. Whether this is what the therepist meant or not, I don't really know. I asked if we could talk about our relationship and the possibility of marriage counseling (as she promised we would after she talked with her therepist). With that, she said "Well we haven't had sex yet if that's what you were wondering; we just kissed a little."

I asked her how she would feel if I told her that I just kissed a woman a little. She replied, "I hardly think it's the same thing." She told me that she needed time away from me to think and asked if I was going to leave or was she going to leave. I asked where either of us would go and she said that she'd go to her parent's house, which is about ten minutes away. She packed up a bunch of clothes and things into the car and left.

I once again tried to get the cell phone, but she said she needed it to call her mom. She said she'd return it at 8 the next morning. I never went to sleep, just exersised and watched TV unitl 7, when I showered and got dressed up for her arrival. Although she was just stopping by to give me the phone, I wanted to look my best, hoping in vane to somehow impress her into wanting to love me again. I waited and waited but she didn't come back.

 

[Freckles]

She came home at noon, looking like she'd been through the ringer. She was shaking and her hair was everywhere. She sat on the couch and told me that she was now ready to talk. She told me that she never went to her parent's house and that she slept over his (her assistant's) house last night.

I told her I was going to leave, that it was finally enough and I had done everything I could to make it work. She asked if I was coming back and I told her no, I'd already made up my mind. I just couldn't live with it anymore. I'd been completely alone, no phone, no human contact from Monday morning through Friday afternoon. The only friends we have are mutual friends, so I didn't feel I could talk to them. I never told my family what was happening, knowing very well that once I told them, there was no going back to a happy marriage. The only contact with the outside world was on this website so I say once again imagesbyholly, Soup, Undiagnosed your advice means everything to me, thank you.

For whatever reason, this for a brief moment brought her back to reality. She asked "You're really not coming back?" I told her that I just couldn't do it anymore. She started crying, "But who would make my lunch?" Apparently, she hadn't eaten since I packed her lunch for her the day before. I make all her meals for her (as well as wash her clothes, dishes, and house) and she didn’t know what to do when I wasn’t with her to fix it.

She looked at me very sad and asked if we could finish this conversation in bed because she was so cold. (I don’t think she was really cold, just very upset about me leaving) I got in bed with her and she got under the comforter and into my arms and cried. She cried until she fell asleep and I just held her, believing that this was the last time I would ever hold my wife again.

She awoke a couple hours later and I never let go of her. She once again said she was hungry, so I made her oatmeal. It seemed to calm her down and see decided to tell me what happened. After going to his house, they went out to “party”. He drove in his truck, where he snorted crushed up Ritalin on the dashboard (he has a prescription) to a bar where they drank wine, he went into the bathroom and bought a bag of weed from some guy for $10 and “sexual favors”, he challenged a man to a fight for hitting on my wife, the female bartender gave my wife her number because tomorrow was her birthday and she wanted to have some fun, he tried to drive home but couldn’t manage to get his key in the ignition, they got home in a taxi, and that’s where things really got out of hand.

While high on Ritalin, weed, and wine, he paced around his house all night screaming and telling her stories of his life which included incest with his brothers, makeout contests with his mother, and a bottle of urine which he saved from a “piss party” he attended in Washington DC. She also discovered that he practiced “dark magic” and even has a voodoo doll of me.

My wife says she was afraid for her life and just stayed on his living room sofa shaking. Him and his dad (who lives there) got into a shouting match sometime in the wee hours of the morning over his screaming and that they all needed to get to work in the morning, which I should say was impossible because my wife and the assistant lost his father’s truck earlier that evening.

They took a taxi back to where they were last night, found the truck half in a parking space half on a curb and they both went to work where my wife realized she had no one to make her breakfast and lunch.

 

[Undiagnosed]

So what now. sounds like you hve your wife back if you want her.

 

[Freckles]

imagesbyholly, I got your message. I appreciate your prayers; I've been praying a lot over this myself. The preparing food together was a great idea; any way to get a sence of normalcy would be great.

 

[Soup]

@ Freckles: I'm glad we were able to e of some assistance to you. This is a terribly difficult, complex & hurtful situation & I'd like to commend you for NOT reacting with a jealous rage, violence or using at an excuse for indulging in alcohol or drug abuse.

You guys knew going in that this guy was nuts,, though. You chose to distrust what your wife said & dismiss it as an exaggeration & now due to your wife's exceedingly poor judgement, your marital trust issues & this man's invasive insanity, you 2 risk losing everything you've built together as a couple. Is it really worth it? She now clearly sees that this crazed Casanova is NOT what she thought he was. She knows she's made some terrible mistakes. You definitely have been wronged. As for whether they 'only' kissed, screwed like jack-rabbits or watched re-runs of Maude makes little difference: the problems you face remain the same. This guy is dangerous & nuts.

Please don't toss your marriage out over this: marriages sometimes have to weather a big storm & letting pride, ego or even lofty so-called principles destroy it is a mistake. If you 2 go seek counseling together & work out your issues, you may be able to salvage your marriage, build trust & communication skills & eventually move forward from this. A period of separation for a short spell may be a good idea since emotions are raw & you're both angry, defensive, resentful & traumatized.

Please continue to come here for support & as always, we'll do our best to help. We mightn't say what you want to hear, but tickling someone's ears with empty platitudes does no good.

 

[Freckles]

After she told me all of this, she asked what she would need to do for me to stay. I told her that I love her and would be willing to go to marriage counseling or anything else to fix our relationship, but what I need from her is to stop dating him, seeing him, and to promise never to do this again.

She agreed and said she needed some time to fix all of the problems she'd caused. I was scared that once she left again, she'd never come back, but she assured me that she'd get out of work at 4:30, pick up her stuff at her assistant's house, talk to her family, and be back by 6. She went back to work, where she had to get to an afternoon meeting, where he (her assistant) would be waiting.

She still took the cell phone and the car with her and once again I was just waiting alone for her to come back. When she didn't come back by 6 I was convinced she was gone forever, and then at 7 I began packing my clothes to leave. She came back at 8, arguing with her mom over the phone. She hung up to talk to me and said that her assistant said he loved her and asked her to marry him. She said she wasn't sure if he was all there at the time, as there were lines of powdered ritalin on his dresser. We talked and agreed to take it one day at a time and try to erase all of the hurt this caused.

Her mom demanded to speak to me (over the phone) and was crying and asked why I didn't come to her with all of this. I told her I was embarrassed and besides I had no phone. She told me that I was a great part of the family and that I could always talk to her. When my wife told her mother everything that happened, she screamed at her and asked how she could do this to "Freckles" (not my real name). Her mom went on to say that I was the best husband she'd ever known and she was very disappointed in her daughter.

After that, I made her dinner, we cuddled up on the couch, watched some TV, and went to sleep. The next morning was Saturday (no work) and we made some very passionate love. We made breakfast together, made love again, and then went out to the plazas. We mostly walked around, drank coffee, and finally got her a proper meal. We made love a third time that day (I really missed her) and went to sleep.

The following day (Sunday) (yesterday) didn't go so well. She wanted to go see her parents and thank them for all their help. We all talked (not about the infidelity, but just small talk) and my wife spent about an hour in their bathroom. Apparently, she'd been so distraught over the entire ordeal that she hasn't kept food down in a week or more. She's actually lost 19 pounds. I talked to her mom privately and thanked her for having my back.

When my wife came out of the bathroom, she got into her mother's bed and slept for the next three hours. Not only hadn't she been keeping food down, but because of this past week of partying, she hadn't slept either. I hung out at her parent's house while she slept but when we got home, she had discovered a text from her assistant, saying that he needed to talk to find some boundaries for their relationship. I told her no, I'm not dealing with this again. She yelled at me that she had to talk with him because she was worried that because he was so mad, that he would file a sexual harassment claim against her. I said "no way, if you must talk with him, do it Monday at work." She insisted that she didn't want it hanging over her head. I eventually agreed (I had no choice) and she promised it was the last time she'd leave me to meet him.

I advised her to meet at the mall (a public place) in case he flipped out or tried to hurt her. She texted him to meet her at the mall food court, but when he didn't text or call back, we were worried that he was going to show up at our house. This guy had a voodoo doll of me, who knows what he would do if he met up with me. While waiting to hear from him, my wife decided she needed a shower and that she'd take the phone with her in case he called. I again put my foot down and again she scoffed at it. She replied, "You're so jealous that you won't even let me take a shower alone?" Realize that through the past month she'd been sneaking away to the bathroom to secretly text him and also we thought he may come over to attack me and now she was leaving me alone to wait for him.

When he didn't text back, she got all dressed up and told me that she'd call him to meet at IHOP to talk things over. She told me, "I hurt a lot of people, including my assistant and I need to make things right." I hated the idea but was in no position to stop it. I told her not to follow him to a parking lot or to his house because he is dangerous.

She left at 8pm and came back at 12:30 am. She told me that she couldn't talk him into meeting her at IHOP so she went to his house. He once again asked her to marry him and she told him that they needed to keep their relationship professional. I hate the idea of her working beside him all day long, but the only other thing to do is quit her job. (I told her I wouldn't have a problem if she quit, she didn't like the idea.)

It is now Monday afternoon and she is at work with him. This morning, while she was getting dressed, she complained that none of her clothes were clean. They were laying all over the floor from when she brought them home from his house and now won't wear them because they smell like cigarette smoke. It is now up to me to spend the whole day doing load after load of laundry. While eating breakfast together, she told me that she just wants to go back to the way things were. Now, this is a very vague statement. I'm not sure if this means that she wants to go back to us being a happy couple again or if it means that she wants to continue being his "friend". I was treading very carefully at this point, knowing full well that if I said the wrong thing, my marriage would be over and the rest of my life would be very different. I asked her to clarify and she told me that she still wanted to be his friend and that things just got out of hand. I said in very clear terms that I was trying my best to heal the marriage but her going out with him, even just for coffee, was a dealbreaker for me. When she left for work, the issue was not resolved. While doing her laundry, I came across a pair of his underwear. Now what do I do?

I don't know what to do at this point. I'm very careful not to accuse or even lay any blame on her because it seems that any stray comment could end the marriage. I've been level headed and polite through all of this but she has been very selfish. She says things like "I can't handle everyone being mad at me." and "I can't stand to look at your sad eyes, I'm going in the other room." and "Are you just going to be mad at me for the rest of your life?" She was at his house as of yesterday! She's at work with him right now! Somehow, she doesn't know why I'm not over this yet.

Her mom is making her a doctor's appointment because her anxiety is making her vomit. I have been sympathetic but at no time during any of this have anyone asked how I felt, that is except you all here at aspiecentral.

 

[Soup]

@ freckles: What a freakin' mess she has made of things! Who IS this guy: Johnny Dep?!? I've never understood women who get fascinated with crazy guys under any circumstances especially when they have a partner at home. I think it is partly the lure of the forbidden, the mysterious 'bad boy' dark stranger thing & also the newness & adventure & riskiness of it. Some guys do this kind of thing too & begin seeing some derange drug-using pole dancer behind their wife's back. Also, too, husbands can become routine & boring, take the wife for granted so she no longer feels attractive or desirable so when some other guy begins showing them some attention & interest, it is easy for her to feel flattered & make a terrible judgement call.

Please stop airing your linens with her mother. This problem is between the 2 of you. When you didn't know where she was, you told the mother & out went a search party. Although you said you didn't intend for this to happen or ask the woman to go out looking, what the heck did you expect to happen? This is a marital issue between an adult married couple. As sympathetic to your plight as your MIL is, you are helping drive a wedge of hostility between your wife & her mother. She is NOT someone to turn to when you have marital problems & share private business. She seems like a nice enough woman BUT also an overly invested busy-body. In short: if you continue placing her in the middle, your marriage will sink like the Titanic. You need to solve this as a couple & also work with a marriage counselor. Also, individual therapy is necessary for your wife. Could be a midlife crisis she's having, could be depression, wacky hormones & a host of other problems she cannot express to you & she mightn't even be aware of herself. YOU also need individual therapy to deal with your control issues & trust issues.

Since you now know for certain that your wife was cheating, it is reasonable for you to have trust issues BUT you also had them prior to knowing she'd cheated. In order to ensure that you don't turn into one of those CIA spy-type husbands who follow their wives around, keep tabs on them at all times, rummage through her personal stuff, stalk her emails & haunt her phone records, airing your feelings to a therapist only you go to will give you the tools to avoid becoming a lunatic stalker.

As for voodoo man, understand that his stupid doll is a whole lot of nothing & serves as a symptom of a delusional mind & not access to magical powers. Think about it: how fast could he make a 'doll' or model of the lottery headquarters, stick it with a few magic pins & VOILA!!! Instant millionaire...or make one of a stunning supermodel, do some woo-woo BS & ZAP! She falls madly in love with him. The worrisome thing about hocus-pocus man is that he's Bat-$#!T crazy & you are right to be concerned about what he might do. If you hear of or receive any direct or indirect threats, document them all & contact law enforcement. Do not think you can 'manage', reason with or frighten away a determined obsessed nut.

 

[Undiagnosed]

No one has asked how you felt , but it dose sound like her Mom is concerned about you. And as for her mom asking why you didn't go to her with this... well that's not a good idea anyway. It's not your place to talk to her mom about this. That will just cause trouble. You need to have your own people to talk to, if not in your in person contacts then us here. She dosn't need to feel that her parents and you are gainging up on her. As for how you feel, I can imagion how you feel. I have been in similar situations. You handle it better than I did.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all for you to ask that she dosn't continue to be friends with this guy. I really don't see how she can sexpect that to even be an option. I would be wanting to find a way to get him out of the job position he's in myself. That's not being jelous in my opinion, it's being reasonablble. He's crazy, unstable, and mabey dangerous , sounds like he should be as far from your lives as possable.

I do agree with Soup that this isn't worth throwing away your marrage over.


ANd as for his underwear. Well you can throw them away and don't say anything, or you can ask her about it. She can tell you they had sex or give you another explination. Either way? If they did have sex do u want to know? And if she tells you they didn't in spite of his underwear being in her stuff do u beleive her explination? And if she tells youu they did have sex dose that change everything for you? ... Just some questions to ask yourself before you decide weather to bring up the issue or not.

 

[Ylva]

Also, too, husbands can become routine & boring, take the wife for granted so she no longer feels attractive or desirable so when some other guy begins showing them some attention & interest, it is easy for her to feel flattered & make a terrible judgement call.

I'm sorry, husbands? This woman sounds like a teenager. She can't even make her own lunch, from the sound of it. She is the one taking her husband for granted. She needs to grow up.

However, I somehow doubt the abusive relationship she'll get out of that drug addict is the answer. Small wonder her mother is worried about her. Even so, the mother needs to stop infantilizing her daughter. Her meddling seems to just make your wife feel more rebellious, based on your story, Freckles.

PS. The underwear is pretty much a dead giveaway.

 

[Freckles]

SOUP, The strange thing is he is no Johnny Dep. He is short, skinny, and is 45 but dresses like a twenty year old hipster. Not to toot my own horn, but both my wife and I are very good looking athletic people. I in no way take her for granted. Before she started going out on her own a month ago, we were inseparable, went on dates a few times a week, cuddled in front of the TV every night.

As for her mother and I, we don't usually see eye to eye, mostly because I can't stand how controlling she is. It just so happens that this time it worked in my favor. As for her assistant "voodoo man", (I like the name) I'm not afraid of the doll, I'm afraid that somebody crazy enough to have voodoo dolls may attack one of us.

And there is no need to tickle my ears with empty platitudes, your advice is greatly appreciated and more than enough.

Undiagnosed, Her mom and I almost never talk and if we do, it is through my wife. I like that you guys are my people now. You're actually the only ones I've managed to talk to about this.

I'm glad I read your post before she got home. I was actually planning to bring up the underwear, but you're right it would only cause a needless fight and that's not what we need right now. I picked it up (with a pencil) and threw it in the trash, never mentioning it to my wife.

Ylva, Yes I do feel like I'm dealing with a teenager. All she talks about is how this affects her. The scary thing is, she actually didn't take my feelings into account until she realized that there was nobody to make her lunch for her. I feel like I'm the only one fighting for our marriage, she's on board as long as it doesn't inconvenience her.

Just to keep you all updated, I took imagesbyholly's advice and greeted her happily when she came home and asked her if she'd like to make tacos with me for dinner. She greeted me with "Just so you know, I won't talk about anything serious this week." I told her it was fine and that I just wanted to have a good time with her. (Really I wanted to ask about marriage counseling, but now couldn't bring it up.) She also said that she needs some time away from the situation and was going to her parent's house after dinner. (As of yet, she has not shown any remorse, just mad that it affected her life.) The tacos were good, but she gave up after two, saying that she was going to be sick. She still hasn't kept any food down. Her mom called while I was still eating and got into a shouting match with my wife. I could only hear what my wife was shouting, but apparently my mother-in-law told her she couldn't deal with her drama tonight.

My wife went on to yell at me at how this whole thing never ends and that she needed to get out by herself for a while. She took the credit card and said she was buying herself a dress, she deserved it.

She said she'll be back in a few hours (by 8:30) when she'll have gotten her head on straight. I buy her everything she wants. We've spent about $200 just this weekend going on dates and buying her stuff. We don't have a lot of money, but she always has everything she needs and more. I don't understand what she would see in "Voodoo Man".

Every time I see her lately, she seems like she is at her breaking point. There is no way that I could talk to her about what happened, marriage counseling, or anything else stressful. Thank God I didn't bring up the underwear. Good call Undiagnosed.

 

[Soup]

Well, you certainly did try very hard to manage this dicey situation. The more you describe your wife's conduct, the more mystifying it seems. I'm baffled as to what lure she sees in Voodoo man but I suspect this fiasco has more to do with what is going on with HER rather than anything about him. She seems to be in some sort of a crisis/break-down state. Sounds like you 2 had a good thing going on & she screwed it up for no sensible reason.

You guys do need to turn to each other as a couple & not to outside influences like your meddlesome MIL. That is her mother & she can just as easily turn against you in a heart-beat if it suits her agenda. Also, I wonder what the heck voodoo man has put into her head. Has he convinced her that he has certain 'powers' or can 'see the future' or whatever? Your wife seems highly suggestible right now & she's obviously very confused & in distress. You guys really will need an objective professional 3rd party to help you wade through this. I don't mean a clergyman, but someone who is a trained clinical practitioner with either a PhD in psych specializing in marital counseling who can spot whether or not your wife may need a psychiatrist.

@ Ylva: I should've been clearer in what I meant there. I was not implying that Freckles was a boring person OR that her actions were in any way justifiable. She may be feeling less than secure & less attractive. Many people project this onto the partner & think, "He is bored with me. He is not as attracted to me as he used to be." Her judgement is clearly off kilter so I wouldn't put it past her to have projected her own doubts onto her husband. She also got into a serious relationship at a young age & may be pining for the adolescent free-wheeling craziness she thinks she may have missed out on. Hope this makes more sense.

 

[Flinty]

SOUP, The strange thing is he is no Johnny Dep. He is short, skinny, and is 45 but dresses like a twenty year old hipster. Not to toot my own horn, but both my wife and I are very good looking athletic people. I in no way take her for granted. Before she started going out on her own a month ago, we were inseparable, went on dates a few times a week, cuddled in front of the TV every night.
(...)
My wife went on to yell at me at how this whole thing never ends and that she needed to get out by herself for a while. She took the credit card and said she was buying herself a dress, she deserved it.
(...)
She said she'll be back in a few hours (by 8:30) when she'll have gotten her head on straight. I buy her everything she wants. We've spent about $200 just this weekend going on dates and buying her stuff. We don't have a lot of money, but she always has everything she needs and more. I don't understand what she would see in "Voodoo Man".

People say they want stuff, but they really want experiences. In this case, your wife appears to want either the experience of a bad boy, or the experience of being fought over. It's quite possible that she's bored "just" being married.

Aside: do you know if Voodoo Guy has access to Talwyn in addition to the Ritalin?