Marriage Problems

[Undiagnosed]

I think Soup has it there. your wife was married to you young and is now a little older and women change as the grow (as all people do) and a woman can begin to wonder about other experiences she has 'missed out on' in her life. It's not probably something particularly great about this guy now named vodoo man. It's more the timeing and the situation. If you think about it they might spend eight hours a day together with little choice but to get to know each other. (Add up how many dates it would take for two people to have spent that much time together.) He is single, your wife is atractive, flirtation, conversation, whatever sparkes an interest...boom, boom, boom... that's the way it happens. It's happened to me. I had a co worker that I worked side by side and spent eight hours a day with nothing to do other than to talk to him. He had a flirtacious/charming side and a woman especially like me and your wife, Aspie, who dos't talk to a lot of other people might tend to see something in someone new to talk to that everyone wouldnt. The guy might ask a seemingley simple question that sounds like small talk that ends up starting a personal conversation regarding her relationship. She dosn't talk to a lot of people so it is a nice change for her to have someone 'a friend' to talk to. Now he know whatever the imperfections are (becouse no relationship is perfect) and know his way in. That and have you ever heard of the 7 year itch... You have been married for 8, close enough. The 7 year itch isnt just a medophore. Things really do tend to happen/change in seven years cycles. People offen redecorate something in seven year cycles for example.

Are you much older than your wife? Not that that has anything to do with anything, Just wondering becouse your relationship sounds farmiliar to one I had.

As for your wife being selfish...sounds like she is in general a selfish type of personality. Sounds like regular everyday life is all about her and her needs and wants. So you are probably used to tending to her and her selfishness. so her selfishness now is just another example, yet it's getting a little harder to take in this situation. True?

 

[Freckles]

@ Soup, You certainly are a Guru. You're probably right when you say that this has more to do with her than it has to do with Voodoo Man. She is rather attractive and could do better than him if she wanted. Also, she does seem to be confused a lot and in distress, almost like she doesn't know what she is doing but can't stand that everyone is mad at her for doing it.

I don't like the hold my meddlesome mother-in-law has on our lives either, but as of yet my wife refuses to talk to me about "anything serious" or even go to talk with a professional. The only person she'll talk to about this is her mom and they have a love/hate relationship as it is.

As hard as it is to hear, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said she feels like she was married too young and that she missed out on "free wheeling craziness". But what can I do about that now?

@Flinty, Truth be told, I think she is bored "just being married". Honestly, she still seems to feel like there was nothing wrong with having a husband at home and a boyfriend at work.

I had to look up what Talwyn was. I don't know if he uses it, but my wife says he has prescriptions for 10+ medications.

@Undiagnosed, I am 3 years older than my wife. It makes sense that working with him 8 hours a day could spark a relationship, but she's going to encounter men throughout her life. I could easily see it being someone else if it wasn't Voodoo Man.

Yes, she has been selfish and you wouldn't believe it from all I've told you but her natural personality is very innocent and sweet. During the last couple months she's been an Ice Princess. I understand that now she is trying to avoid me so she doesn't have to deal with the situation, but lately her whole personality has changed. I've only thought of it recently, but I worry that she has a Nyquil addiction that could be causing her behavioral changes. She has been taking a full dose every night for the past six months and also she is just getting over the flu (I think she caught it from VoodooMan) and has also been taking DayQuil. She says she needs it to sleep and won't take anything else because she won't swallow pills.

I just Binged Nyquil Abuse and she hits on most of the symptoms.

The following are some of the key signs of Nyquil abuse that you should look out for when you suspect that someone is abusing this medicine:

1.Becoming irritable
2.Changes in behavior
3.Overlooking responsibilities
4.They hide the medicine in their rooms.
5.They buy Nyquil from members of their family or friends.
6.Performing poorly at work or school grades starting to deteriorate.
7.Someone visits a number of Nyquil points of sale to buy the medicine.
8.Unexplained change of routine including eating habits and sleeping hours.
9.Becoming withdrawn from people who were formerly close to them including family members and friends.

I'm going to try and talk with her tonight about getting off it. It won't be easy, I can't manage to keep her in the house, let alone talk about anything serious. Mother Nature will help a little with keeping her in; we're expecting a bad snow storm tonight. If she can't get off it cold turkey, maybe she'll agree to taking Melatonin instead. I hope this works, if all I have to do to get my Sweetheart back is to get her off of Nyquil I'll be a happy man.

 

[Ylva]

@ Ylva: I should've been clearer in what I meant there. I was not implying that Freckles was a boring person OR that her actions were in any way justifiable. She may be feeling less than secure & less attractive. Many people project this onto the partner & think, "He is bored with me. He is not as attracted to me as he used to be." Her judgement is clearly off kilter so I wouldn't put it past her to have projected her own doubts onto her husband. She also got into a serious relationship at a young age & may be pining for the adolescent free-wheeling craziness she thinks she may have missed out on. Hope this makes more sense.

Gotcha. Thanks for clarifying.

@Freckles: Active listening – the kind where you listen to a person and give them non-judgmental (key word) feedback on how you interpret their emotions – has helped me out of pointless fights before. Maybe you want to look into that?

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Gotcha. Thanks for clarifying.

@Freckles: Active listening – the kind where you listen to a person and give them non-judgmental (key word) feedback on how you interpret their emotions – has helped me out of pointless fights before. Maybe you want to look into that?

I wish you the best of luck.

Thats a good idea. One thing women love, crave , and can't resist is a man to listen to them. You know how men crave sex and they have 900 numbers for men to call for phone sex talk... they have 900 numbers with men to listen to women talk. Yea Really!! I heard an ad for it one day.

As for her 'itch' for some space and feedom, really nothing you can do but see how far she really needs to take it. Mabey she really is done and had enough 'experienceing' and it's just a matter of how to get back to normal. Somewhere along the way she's gonna have to give you some consideration about the issue. She can't just think it's ok to have a husband and a bf and not see what your problem is. I meen unless the two of you want to come to an 'arangement' or whatever, but I don't think that's what you want.

Anyway You sound like a great guy and husband. You know how to treat a lady and after this you know even more. You will be fine either way.

 

[Freckles]

I've tried everyone's advice and have run out of options. We've gone out to eat together a couple times since I've last updated you all. Things started off well but she keeps saying hurtful things to me, like her birthday is next week and I asked what she might like and she answered “for polygamy to be legal.” She also keeps singing the “Top of the World” song with the chorus “My girlfriend cheated on me, oh well, whatever, it doesn't matter.” I think she’s trying to be funny, but I don’t know how many more insults I can take. I want our marriage back to normal, but she just won’t let it be normal.

I asked her to try marriage counseling with me; she said she would and she also made me an appointment to see a therapist (because she said I looked sad). I went to see him on Thursday and was worried that I'd get nervous and not remember what I was going to say, so I printed out the play-by-play that I recounted for you all. He just kept saying "Oh Really" and "Mmm Hmm". And then when I finished telling him, he asked if I was planning on hurting myself. I said, "No, I just want my wife back." And he scooted me out the door and asked if I'd like to make another appointment. Isn't he supposed to give me some kind of advice or something?

After therapy, I let my wife read my posts here at aspiecentral. I was hoping it would help her see it from my side. The only part she disagreed with was that "Voodoo Man" didn't have a voodoo doll of me; he had a voodoo doll that held a resemblance to me. I'm amending it for the record.

My wife and I have our appointment to see him (the same therapist) the Thursday after that. She's agreed to finally reveal what she has to say to me then. She's says she's confused but won't tell me about what until then. I'm guessing that her big "secret" is that she has been dating and having sex with him. I actually told her that I'm willing to just say that **** happens and just move on with our lives, provided she agrees to be monogamous. She rolled her eyes when I said this and said that she'll talk about it at marriage counseling.

Meanwhile, I occasionally see her while going out to eat. The rest of the time, she leaves the house, saying she needs to go out and doesn't come home till the wee hours of the morning. Last night she came home at 1:30 am and said she was sorry she got home so late, but a cop pulled her over and kept her waiting while he ran her plates, but eventually let her go after she passed a breathalyzer test. I got in the car the next morning and my seat (passenger side) was moved way up. She was obviously out with someone. She takes the phone with her and I haven't been able to talk or see anyone except for the hour I spent with the therapist. I don't drive (she takes the car anyway) and I have no phone and so I've just been alone in this jail cell (my house) alone for weeks. I wait up until she gets back because I'm worried about her and can't sleep anyway. The only thing I have done is wander the streets of downtown for something to do.

I've made up my mind to call my parents (they live in another state), explain the situation, and ask if I can stay with them if things turn south. I installed Skype to try and call them but it goes straight to voicemail. Maybe it doesn't work because I'm calling a cell phone? The next thing I'll try is to buy a phone card and call from a pay phone.

From what my wife has said, her therapist (a different woman) and her psychic have both advised her to "see where her feelings take her". I think that this means that she'll date both of us and decide later which one she wants to be with. This can't be normal can it? Am I the one that is being unreasonable? Am I doing the right thing by talking to my parents about this?

Please tell me if I'm handling this wrong; other than the folks on this site, I have no one else to talk to.

 

[Ylva]

You should not be isolated like that. Get in touch with your parents if you feel you can trust them, and don't let your wife boss you around. She will get angry, most likely, but she got herself into this mess. I'm not giving marriage counseling – whichever way this goes, it will be painful and require a good deal of effort.

This guy could get to you through her. Say he asks her for money, and she gives your mutual savings to him. That is the sort of thing drug addicted social manipulators do. Be careful.

 

[Flinty]

Isn't he supposed to give me some kind of advice or something?

Possibly not on the first visit. He might also want to hear from your wife before giving his feedback.

I don't drive (she takes the car anyway) and I have no phone and so I've just been alone in this jail cell (my house) alone for weeks.

I've made up my mind to call my parents (they live in another state), explain the situation, and ask if I can stay with them if things turn south. I installed Skype to try and call them but it goes straight to voicemail. Maybe it doesn't work because I'm calling a cell phone? The next thing I'll try is to buy a phone card and call from a pay phone.

First, get out of the house and do something. Something non-destructive, that is.

I don't know if you gave yourself a paid Skype subscription - if you didn't, you can't call a cell phone. The phone card is probably a better idea provided you can find a pay phone in this day and age.

From what my wife has said, her therapist (a different woman) and her psychic have both advised her to "see where her feelings take her". I think that this means that she'll date both of us and decide later which one she wants to be with. This can't be normal can it? Am I the one that is being unreasonable? Am I doing the right thing by talking to my parents about this?

Please tell me if I'm handling this wrong; other than the folks on this site, I have no one else to talk to.

Well, first of all, she's seeing a psychic. Those are for entertainment purposes only (at least that's what the commercials disclaim around here).

To answer your three questions: No, not really. No, definitely not. Probably, but I don't know your parents to say for certain.

To me, the next thing you should be saying to your wife is that her stuff is on the lawn, but I'm mean like that.

Random question: does your wife have a job that is bound by an official code of ethics? Even if not, her behaviour is of the type that should lead to instant firing if it's ever revealed. (Just saying.)

What you're doing right and wrong depends on the perspective of the outsider. The likely truth is that there is a mixture of right and wrong in what you're doing, just like every human being in history.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Wow. I wouldn't know what to tell you right now. What's right and wrong? It's really all just a matter of opinion. One person would throw her stuff out on the lawn and another would go along as you have been doing. Even if a therapist dose give you some advice, dosn't meen it would be 'right', or ''wrong' either. They all come with their own personalities and referance points and opinions as well. In my opinion your wifes therapist's advice to 'see where her feeling lead' is really the only thing a therapist could say at that point, becouse that's what she's gonna do regardless. What else can a person do. What if a therapisty would say 'stop seeing this guy' the person who has those feelings isn't going to take that advice anyway. In my opinion the therapist is only saying what they know is going to happen anyway. It all comes down to what your heart is telling you to do. All you can do is foolow your instinct right now. Do u ming if I ask why u don't drive? And do u have a job? Being isolated makes this so much harder for you.

 

[Ylva]

All you can do is foolow your instinct right now.

This is a good point. If she can follow her feelings, so can you.

The single most valuable advice my mother ever gave me was: "trust your own judgment."

You are the one who knows what you need. What do YOU think you should do?

 

[RozJackal]

I'm sorry friend, but that's just awful for you. I respect the love you have for her but no. You should honestly get rid of the relationship.
If she was doing this, she clearly doesn't care about you the way you care about her. If you're athletic and good looking as you say and as affectionate, you shouldn't have much trouble finding another person.

The only thing you're good for to her is to make her food, that's about as far as I'm reading it.
You may not want to hear it, but look, that's just way too far.
It looks like she's still cheating on you after this, no woman of yours should be out past 11:00 at the very latest. Please, please end this relationship for yourself.
And take that damn cellphone away from her.
I honestly would recommend (if possible) for you to get a job and just end the relationship.

 

[Freckles]

I wanted to thank everyone who has taken the time to give me advice here at AC. Just to give everyone a quick update, I think the marriage has ended. She came home Saturday night at 2am and couldn't find me. I was in bed sleeping. When I didn't open the door for her, I think she thought I finally left her. She was running through the house yelling my name until I got out of bed and found her. I told her that this just wasn't going to last until our Thursday marriage counseling appointment. She agreed and said she'd tell me everything tomorrow, and I once again told her solemnly that this couldn't wait even one more day. She begged and said that she reveal everything ten hours from now and that she needed to sleep on it. She left for a hotel and I asked her to stay, telling her "If our fourteen year relationship is ending tonight, why don't we spend it in each other's arms." She said she couldn't and left.

She didn't come back ten hours from then as promised, but showed up at the house at 3 in the afternoon. She stalled once again and said she needed to eat first. I made her lunch and then she told me what happened. She said that for the past couple weeks when she was going out into the wee hours of the morning, she was with her assistant. (I pretty much figured this already.) She said they mostly just hang out at restaurants and at the book store reading poetry together. I asked her about sex and she replied that she wasn't comfortable talking to me about it.


I told her that I'd been cleaning up her messes for half her life and I would do it now and let things go back to normal. She again declined, basically choosing him over me. I think that's what hurts the most; I've loved her, taken care of her, and been a great boyfriend/husband for 14 years and after all that, she chose a crush over me. She asked if I was leaving and I told her I was. She cried and told me to take anything I wanted and we agreed to never speak to each other again. It is just too painful and I didn't want to play any more of her games.

I called my parents and told them what has happened and they drove all night from another state, picked me up, and filled two car loads worth of my stuff. We finally left my house at about 1am Sunday night and drove straight back. While I was packing and waiting for them, my wife's boyfriend (assistant) called the cell phone but I just let it ring.

The next afternoon, my wife's mom called my mom, crying that she didn't know where I was. Her story was that she and my father-in-law came by to check on me at 2am. (This doesn't seem right. They've never come to check on me before.) When they couldn't reach me by knocking or by phone, (I left the phone there because it was in my wife's name.), they called the police to insist that they break the door down. The cops told her that I would have to be missing for a certain amount of time before they did that. She claims that she drove around until 4am looking for me. This also sounds like a lie, unless my wife called and told them I was leaving, why would they even come by to look for me? My mom told my mother-in-law that I was devastated and couldn't talk right now.

My wife called at 2am that night, waking up my parents, and again my mom told her that I wasn't available right now. My wife left her the message "Tell him he's my whole world and I can't live without him."

My wife texted my dad a photo for me, which didn't download right, and I never saw it. She texted that she was on her way to get me back when my mom told her not to come. Whether this is accurate or not, I don't know.

It is now Thursday and I have been living at my parent's house for 4 days. Most of my family lives in the area and I have had a good deal of support and we are in the process of getting me a job. I also ordered my birth certificate so I can get my driver's license. If either my wife or my in-laws call again, I've made up my mind to answer it.

Once again, thanks to everyone for the kind advice and words of encouragement.

 

[Ylva]

My condolences on your marriage.

Congratulations on solving your problems and on your new-found freedom.

 

[Undiagnosed]

It's hard right now but you have a bright future ahead of you.

 

[Soup]

" From what my wife has said, her therapist (a different woman) and her psychic have both advised her to "see where her feelings take her". I think that this means that she'll date both of us and decide later which one she wants to be with. This can't be normal can it? Am I the one that is being unreasonable? Am I doing the right thing by talking to my parents about this?

Please tell me if I'm handling this wrong; other than the folks on this site, I have no one else to talk to." - Freckles

A flippin' dime store tea-leaves reading con artist PSYCHIC?!? You've got to be $#!TT!N' me. Something isn't right with this woman: first there's the woo-woo voodoo man & now a so-called psychic?!? Your therapist has his or her work cut out.

And, no; you are not being unreasonable. BUT, bringing your parents now into your domestic mess is a big mistake. If you 2 decide to try to patch this up, your parents will never see her in the same light. You'll be trying to forgive and forget but all they will be thinking of is all the tawdry & crazy sounding stories you 'shared' (tattled, really...) to them. I know you feel the need to talk to someone BUT telling your mommy & daddy on your wife is a BAD idea. Look at the trouble her interfering mother has caused. Do you really need more completely biased people (non-professionals) who have a personal stake in your life involving themselves?

This is a tangled mess from the beginning. In order to follow this, I have to reread every time I come here. Before trying to make predictions & take action of any kind, WAIT until therapy & she drops whatever bomb she's been keeping from you onto your head. Since it is pretty much clear that she's been cheating with a wing-nut & that someone was in the car with her late on the night above (probably NOT the AVON lady...). I can't imagine what else she could have going on...with 24 hours in a day, some spent eating, sleeping & grooming & getting from place to place...there really isn't much time in there for more shenanigans.

Please feel free & welcome to talk to us whenever you feel like it. We are all real people & we are sincere & we'll give it our best efforts.

 

[RozJackal]

My friend, for your sake I'm glad it's over. You're a hell of a guy from what I can read, if you are actually as kind and caring and loving as you make yourself out to be, I sincerely wish you luck out there in the single world. You'll make a woman that loves you the way you deserve to be loved the happiest woman in the world.
Please my friend, know that there's life beyond this childish woman. My only question to you is what do you owe her? You've given her so much, why in the name of god do you think she deserves the benefit of your attention?

With family comes friends, with friends comes social interactions, with social interactions you'll benefit so much. I may sound harsh for saying this, but do not give that woman the time of day.

Stay safe, friend. You've got a lot of us here at AC.

 

[gregmcph]

Ah.
I just read through that whole thing in one go. That hurts.
All the while I was thinking, at the core, does she love you? Does she have your best interests at heart?
By the end of the posts, I came to the conclusion that no. I don't think she does.
She is looking out for herself, but your happiness is not important.

At that point, I think I walk away.