Masking/Passing as Neurotypical/NT

[Irakus34]

Trying to answer all your questions from my experience and point of view.

1, 2, 3:: our brains are wired different so our way to communicate and understand others' communication is completely different. That's why we feel tired and even overwhelmed, because our brain isn't designed for a NT communication, no matter how we practice and learn.

4) I guess it's harder because our definition of friendship is different or sometimes (and I'm talking about myself) I don't know when to consider someone a friend or just an acquaintance. And that can lead to misunderstandings, especially because some NTs are so serious about friendship (this is my experience, tho). This without adding the difficulties we have to start a chat, do casual conversation or getting out of our likes.

5) I don't really know this one. I just feel more relaxed and calm with myself. As if my brain searched for a balance between the world and myself.

6) This isn't just centered on autistic people. Everyone who are out of the conventional way of being is likely to be bullied as NTs can't tolerate and accept something out of their reach.

Hope this could help your questions.

 

[Au Naturel]

Masking: The art of being who we're not. So which better describes what it is like for an autistic person to perpetually mask their autistic traits and behaviors ?

1) The effort of an actor to deliver a performance without any serious consequences other than a disapproving audience ?
2) The effort of a spy to deceive whatever environment they are in to fulfill their mission and survive ?

When we don't fit in socially, we often pay for it in ways beyond reading about bad reviews from a drama critic.

Acting is a high pressure gig. There is tremendous competition in the field and only the top tiers pull down large paychecks. While a spy's physical survival depends on their performance, an actor's economic survival depends on their performance. A career hinges on being able to deliver consistently solid performances over time. Most do not get to make a living off nepotism or good looks.

if there are any autistic undercover spies, I am unaware of them. (Duh!) I am aware of quite a few autistic actors.

 

[Judge]

Acting is a high pressure gig. There is tremendous competition in the field and only the top tiers pull down large paychecks. While a spy's physical survival depends on their performance, an actor's economic survival depends on their performance. A career hinges on being able to deliver consistently solid performances over time. Most do not get to make a living off nepotism or good looks.

if there are any autistic undercover spies, I am unaware of them. (Duh!) I am aware of quite a few autistic actors.

Acting is still just a job. And like any other job, if you aren't any good at it, you simply move on to something you're better at.

Considerably lower stakes compared to anyone involved in espionage or undercover work. The sort of employment where if you screw up in any way, it can cost you everything. Unlike acting, such pursuits involve much more in terms of manipulating and/or compromising people. Skills well beyond memorizing a script and visually pretending to be someone they aren't. As in any number of occupations, I suspect there are autistic people to be found there as well, professionally speaking.

Of course one can only hope that in the course of masking autistic traits and behaviors, that they don't have to go to such an extent just to peacefully coexist with their fellow man. Yet I suspect most of us know the pain of failing to sufficiently relate to NTs in social interactions resulting in everything from ridicule to ostracization.

 

[Au Naturel]

Acting is still just a job. And like any other job, if you aren't any good at it, you simply move on to something you're better at.

Considerably lower stakes compared to anyone involved in espionage or undercover work. The sort of employment where if you screw up in any way, it can cost you everything. Unlike acting, such pursuits involve much more in terms of manipulating and/or compromising people. Skills well beyond memorizing a script and visually pretending to be someone they aren't. As in any number of occupations, I suspect there are autistic people to be found there as well, professionally speaking.

Of course one can only hope that in the course of masking autistic traits and behaviors, that they don't have to go to such an extent just to peacefully coexist with their fellow man. Yet I suspect most of us know the pain of failing to sufficiently relate to NTs in social interactions resulting in everything from ridicule to ostracization.

Masking is playing a role. It is pretending to be someone you aren't. Masking is very much like acting. Good acting isn't just delivering lines. It is convincing people you really could be what you want to be. That sounds like every job interview I ever had. Or lining up a date at a party.

Masking often fails because of the "Yes but..." statement. The word "but" negates the "yes." It makes it into "No. You're wrong." "Yes and..." includes you with whoever you are talking to. "Yes but..." excludes them and asserts your superiority. Another reason why masking often fails is the failure to nonverbally communicate - or at least to communicate a message that matches one's words.

Life is rarely about delivering lines. It is about improvisation. Study acting for even a little while and you learn it isn't "Yes but..." - which is often autistic people's default response - but rather "Yes and..." that carries the story along. Always build on what the other person says and does rather than trying to correct or redirect them. Otherwise, don't engage.

The worse thing that will happen is the critic gives a bad review and the audience boos. That is the acting equivalent of ridicule or ostracization. For most, acting isn't just a job like washing dishes or manning the counter of a 7-11. It is a calling. A definition of the self. Rejection of that self can be crushing.

Some actors can let rejection wash off their back and some actors will be destroyed by it. Though not a universal rule, NTs are more likely to do the former and NDs are more likely to feel the latter. Handling rejection is the toughest lesson most of us ever have to learn (in acting or autism) and many never do.

 

[SimonSays]

For me, masking was at its height when I worked in the motor trade. A salesman is an actor. He develops a certain script, the result of repetition, but he also improvises, because the situation can require flexibility. All is a kind of acting, and it created in me a false persona, where, if I was successful, I would believe the mask was real, especially when others reacted to my success in a positive way. This is what happened with me.

So if I'm successful, I'm appearing to be something I'm not. Being able to sound convincing, convinces me that I'm doing it right, and with enough experience, which involves overriding moral integrity sometimes, making the game played in a way that creates a feeling of community amongst the other salesman, even though at the end of the day they are all in it for themselves.

It is a very corrupting environment to work in, and I was susceptible to it, partly because fitting in involved including all aspects of what others did, making it seem okay to be this way in this environment, where it would not have been okay in most others.

 

[Alaric593]

I don't know that I could mask without a substance to do it for me.

Do people mask differently with different people? How do people keep the keep stories straight between people?

That seems like it would be more draining than it is just being who I am

 

[Aspychata]

For me, masking was at its height when I worked in the motor trade. A salesman is an actor. He develops a certain script, the result of repetition, but he also improvises, because the situation can require flexibility. All is a kind of acting, and it created in me a false persona, where, if I was successful, I would believe the mask was real, especially when others reacted to my success in a positive way. This is what happened with me.

So if I'm successful, I'm appearing to be something I'm not. Being able to sound convincing, convinces me that I'm doing it right, and with enough experience, which involves overriding moral integrity sometimes, making the game played in a way that creates a feeling of community amongst the other salesman, even though at the end of the day they are all in it for themselves.

It is a very corrupting environment to work in, and I was susceptible to it, partly because fitting in involved including all aspects of what others did, making it seem okay to be this way in this environment, where it would not have been okay in most others.

Yes. My boss told me l could sell ice to Eskimos. She was amazed. I also had people compliment me on my sales technique after they said yes to me. I think l learned to be genuine. If you say no, end of subject, l don't push. If they feel you aren't being manipulative and offering a choice they may consider, they will buy.

 

[Thinx]

Yes. My boss told me l could sell ice to Eskimos. She was amazed. I also had people compliment me on my sales technique after they said yes to me. I think l learned to be genuine. If you say no, end of subject, l don't push. If they feel you aren't being manipulative and offering a choice they may consider, they will buy.

It sounds like your sales technique was great.

However, your boss was a bit racist.
Did she mean Displaced Eskimos though? Eskimos in Florida might want a lot of ice, unless they came there to escape it perhaps. Then it would be a hard sell. Plus, I believe they prefer being called Inuit or Yupik, these are their ethnicities. Apparently Eskimo was a term used in a negative or derogatry way by non Inuit or Yupiks. However, probably your job did not in fact require you to sell to Inuit or Yupiks often. And to your boss this was a meaningful comparison, though shewas behind on diversity issues. Her bad.

 

[Aspychata]

It sounds like your sales technique was great.

However, your boss was a bit racist.
Did she mean Displaced Eskimos though? Eskimos in Florida might want a lot of ice, unless they came there to escape it perhaps. Then it would be a hard sell. Plus, I believe they prefer being called Inuit or Yupik, these are their ethnicities. Apparently Eskimo was a term used in a negative or derogatry way by non Inuit or Yupiks. However, probably your job did not in fact require you to sell to Inuit or Yupiks often. And to your boss this was a meaningful comparison, though shewas behind on diversity issues. Her bad.

This is the South. It was my first job by myself and l just was so happy to be complimented that l didn't think about it being politically incorrect. Jobs and those of us on the spectrum struggle to find a match.
Sorry to any people who felt offended here at this forum. I also thank you for pointing this out.

You always have a voice of reason

She was old school, and quite set in her ways, and we didn't have a similar mindset regarding many things. Perhaps she could have been a little more PC in her delivery.