Sorry I didn't really answer the questions!
I think actually answering them will give a better perspective on what I was trying to say anyway.
1. Have you ever tried to mask your autism or pass as NT in public or in social situations?
Mask my autism? Yes. Pass as NT, specifically, with the intention of everyone always treating me as NT going forward and expecting me to do NT things? No. I always felt like that was probably unrealistic.
Like I wouldn't tell anyone I was autistic but I would never straight-up refer to myself as "NT" because that would be dishonest.
I still mask, as a defense mechanism, and I'm trying to be more aware of it and evaluate when it's needed and when it probably isn't.
2. Why did you try to pass as NT?
I masked my autism to survive, literally. I did not want to be dead or to keep experiencing the things that I was experiencing. I'm completely aware of the fact that if I wasn't autistic or if I was "normal" or "socially acceptable," these things would have never happened to me. Now I have to live with that
Another thing that isn't really discussed in the autistic community a lot is that people of my racial and cultural background don't really acknowledge or talk about autism openly, and when they do there is a lot of stigma. ESPECIALLY with females. So there is a lot of lack of representation, and lack of motivation for parents to seek a diagnosis for their children, and therefore talking about autism is kind of hard.
If I was never in foster care and wasn't around mostly white people and evaluated by white professionals, I probably would have never been diagnosed, or would have gotten diagnosed much later in life.
Autism is still really stigmatized in general, and more so in Black and Hispanic cultures, so it would appear that autism disproportionately affects white people, and white males specifically, which I actually don't think is true.
3. What was your experience like, and was it exhausting or tiring?
My experience was definitely exhausting. Doing anything for the sake of survival is exhausting. Having to suppress your entire personality is exhausting.
