Masking with my mother

[Perpetually_confused]

Just wanted to reach out to see if anyone has any similar experiences. I've never felt I could ever be truly myself with my mother. In fact she is the person I have to mask with the most. She has never accepted me for who I am and I had a lot of difficulty growing up feeling very unseen, depressed and isolated. I do think my undiagnosed autism & adhd had a big role to play in her rejection of me.

I've now accepted that she will never be the mother that I wanted and needed her to be but I would like to maintain some form of a relationship with her.
One thing I have always really struggled with my whole life is conversations with my mother and I wondered if anyone on here could relate. not sure if it's an audhd or autism experience but any feedback is appreciated.

I am very high masking and only realised my autism until recently ( I am a grown adult in my 40's). I find conversations with my mother to be the most difficult that I have with anyone. With most people I can generally force some chit chat, I don't enjoy it much and it usually drains me very quickly but I can do it however, I find with my mother it is impossible to have any sort of conversation with her, especially on the telephone. I literally become almost non-verbal with her. My brain just cannot engage, with the kind of things that she likes talking about which is mostly very surface level things like what she did yesterday and what she is going to do tomorrow. When she asks me what I've been up to my mind goes completely blank and I just say 'not much', even if I have been doing some things. I'm not sure if I have been so used to her dismissing me that I just think what is the point in telling her what I have been doing... often I cannot remember though, my mind goes completely blank, then she thinks I'm being rude and I don't care and this is pretty much been our relationship our entire life, she thinks I'm rude and I don't care, the fact that I can barely have a conversation with her does not help this matter.

I know now that I'm never going to get her approval but I just think it is interesting how my autistic brain just literally shuts down around my mother. Not sure if anyone else has this experience?

To qualify sometimes I wonder if my mother is also autistic which is why I struggle to talk to her because we don't like to talk about the same things. I do find though that I generally get on well with most other autistic people I meet, so much better than other neurotypicals. Or maybe she is just 100% neuotypical and that is why I cannot speak to her.

I would like to be able to unmask around her and I might try to but I'm almost certain it will not be welcomed as when I am myself around her she sees it as a form of rejection. I have not been able to tell her about my autism either as I am also certain it will be used against me. Basically she sees any demonstration of my authentic self as a threat and personal rejection.

I definitely believe my dad was neurodivergent and I am almost certain I got my traits from him. I unfortunately did not connect with him much either, we are quite a dysfunctional family with a lot of trauma.

I am well aware that this is a toxic relationship and I know it's never going to be fulfilling or nurturing like the way it's supposed to be with parents & children but I just would like for every conversation not to feel so painful & rejecting for us both but I'm not sure if there is any way around this...

Does anyone relate to this? Is this a common experience for people growing up with undiagnosed autism?

The other thing I wanted to mention is my sister who is definitely not autistic, talks to my mum every day on the phone and when I am with my mother I am so grateful she is there because she can do all the speaking. Maybe my mum is not autistic after all..
I would definitely not be able to speak to her on the phone every day or anyone for that matter.

 

[Kayla55]

Sometimes there's a nature movie on about pack survival, and whilst it appears social on outside, inner workings consist of fights over which wolf eats first, dominance and others being put in their place.
I simply do not like this scheme of things, prefer to be alone.
I suppose when talking to someone and they too busy talking about themselves or their day and you harping on about something that bothers you.

My mom had very different interests, we never really diagnosed her in those days as she was schizophrenic or later bi-polar, she seemed to artsy or creative to be on spectrum, may being better at masking than me.
I thought about making friends on the forum but keeping up social ends isnt out cup of tea, and autism can make us rigid, self obsessed and interested in only specific topics.
So whilst desiring company (or in my case not desiring that type of company) we as I was introduced to concept of definition of autism. We are social clutz.

 

[Marianna]

It's wild how certain people, especially family, can trigger that "shut down" feeling, even more so when you're masking. Honestly, it’s like a mental block, right? You can’t engage, and then you’re stuck in this loop of feeling like you’re being misunderstood, even if it’s just because your brains don’t sync.

For me, it’s tough too when the people I care about don’t get why I can’t just chat about whatever like everyone else. It’s draining, and trying to navigate that while still wanting a connection is tricky. It’s like the space between “being myself” and “being who they want me to be” is a black hole that I can never quite bridge.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My parents both passed away without knowing any of us are on the spectrum, All they knew is we all were bright
science nerds.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

It's wild how certain people, especially family, can trigger that "shut down" feeling, even more so when you're masking. Honestly, it’s like a mental block, right? You can’t engage, and then you’re stuck in this loop of feeling like you’re being misunderstood, even if it’s just because your brains don’t sync.

For me, it’s tough too when the people I care about don’t get why I can’t just chat about whatever like everyone else. It’s draining, and trying to navigate that while still wanting a connection is tricky. It’s like the space between “being myself” and “being who they want me to be” is a black hole that I can never quite bridge.

I'm just really learning about my autistic traits at the moment. I was diagnosed with adhd first so it's all a little new to me and I don't know enough about this 'shut down' you describe, I need to learn about it but yes maybe that is what is happening, does this happen to you a lot?

Yeah it's so sad and I guess why a lot of us suffer so much, feeling so misunderstood and basically who you are at the core, your authentic self is selfish and uncaring so you have to pretend and it's exhausting and also just really bad for you mentally. It just means you can never be yourself, even when you are just trying to relax with your family.

I think yeah, maybe with other people I can let it go more of them misunderstanding me but when it is with my own family it's really hard, them thinking I hate them when I'm just trying to be myself.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

Sometimes there's a nature movie on about pack survival, and whilst it appears social on outside, inner workings consist of fights over which wolf eats first, dominance and others being put in their place.
I simply do not like this scheme of things, prefer to be alone.
I suppose when talking to someone and they too busy talking about themselves or their day and you harping on about something that bothers you.

My mom had very different interests, we never really diagnosed her in those days as she was schizophrenic or later bi-polar, she seemed to artsy or creative to be on spectrum, may being better at masking than me.
I thought about making friends on the forum but keeping up social ends isnt out cup of tea, and autism can make us rigid, self obsessed and interested in only specific topics.
So whilst desiring company (or in my case not desiring that type of company) we as I was introduced to concept of definition of autism. We are social clutz.

I am very artsy and creative. One of my 'problems' is I'm actually quite outgoing and I like being around people but it's hard to find people that understand me. I like being on my own but not too much.

I'm inclined to believe that we are socially clutzy around neurotypicals but when I'm around other neurodivergent people I do not feel socially clutzy, it is very easy and I can just be myself.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

My parents both passed away without knowing any of us are on the spectrum, All they knew is we all were bright
science nerds.

My dad died without knowing any of this too. I often wonder how different things would have been if he had known about it. I believe we would have connected more. It's very sad.

 

[Kayla55]

Maybe ADHD is creative side, my mom's was always very impulsive.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

Maybe ADHD is creative side, my mom's was always very impulsive.

Yes could be, I think thats where my creativity comes from but my autism also allows me to delve deep into my creative interests so I think it comes from both.

This is why I instinctively knew before I even knew about my neurodivergence that I could just never be a parent, unless I had an incredible amount of support around me I don't know how I'd manage.

 

[Kayla55]

Yes could be, I think thats where my creativity comes from but my autism also allows me to delve deep into my creative interests so I think it comes from both.

This is why I instinctively knew before I even knew about my neurodivergence that I could just never be a parent, unless I had an incredible amount of support around me I don't know how I'd manage.

Other than creative ideas we have, life deals us set of cards that mild us. By intensity of certain emotions many of us make that the highest issue we fight for or against. So if you lost loved one, become doctor to save lives. If unhappy family life, Persue ways to change children's or human rights.
This is not what we choose, it just happens and affects us