Meltdowns ?

[Aspie_With_Attitude]

I am glad that everyone on the spectrum agrees with me.

 

[Crystal Watson]

I know I mentioned this in my intro post earlier today, but I wanted other's input on this situation for future reference. Warning, this may turn into a long essay.

Last week I helped my closest friend with an emotionally-charged text conversation she was having with her girlfriend, and since she's more logic-leaning with me being the one more in-tune with emotions, especially of other people, I helped with what to say and if something was likely to be misinterpreted. It lasted most of the evening and night, but it was settled down smoothly.

The next morning, I didn't feel exactly... myself. I felt nothing, and occasionally I'd feel like I didn't know where I was or who I was. At the same time, feeling extremely apathetic of the world around me.

I call these moments "apathy episodes", which I can't tell if it'd be considered a shutdown or a meltdown. And like many others on the spectrum, once it happens, I can't exactly stop it. There have been a couple times where I pre-emptively sensed it arising and warned those I talk to regularly about it. They don't last more than a few hours at most. But nearly every time, I won't be aware of what's happening until after the episode passes and then I'd know soon after that I had an apathy episode.

I was talking to my closest friend online, who I didn't realize was trying to use comedy as a way to deal with the breakup that ended up rising from the previous night's situation. She started sending me pictures of a celebrity she's been crushing on and even planning out weddings and dates, and I do my best to keep myself sane and go along with it. I'm pretty adept with recognizing most forms of comedy, sarcasm I still have to get the hang of, but I knew enough that she wasn't going to marry the celebrity.

And then, it happened. I wasn't able to hold up the went to writing a single sentence that I don't want to dare repeat here... but it was basically calling my friend complete garbage for almost instantly replacing her girlfriend with a celebrity. It was bad.

That was last week from today.

Since then, I had two extremely close calls of the friendship being cut off, both being within 72 hours since the incident. Me, being in the full-on panic mode of losing yet another friend to an apathy episode, went on full-throttle research mode trying to find hard evidence that I couldn't control myself during the apathy episode and I never intended to be rude. She kept yelling back that I did do it on purpose and the classic "stop using your autism as an excuse". That I should be perfectly in control of my behavior and aware of what I'm saying, and saying "Sorry, I had a meltdown" is not an excuse for it. When really I was trying to explain it, although not that coherently since we were both emotionally unstable.

It was also around Thursday when it finally clicked in my head that she was going through grief, and me doing what I was doing only invalidated what she was going through. She's not a very emotionally-expressive person (but she is NT), but I noticed that in a couple of her messages, it did hint that she was coping with a lot of pain... which only dug my trench of guilt more.

---------------------------

The main point I'm asking here is: How do you rekindle a friendship after a bad meltdown/shutdown? I know it's different if it's in-person compared to online like my situation is, but still?

And how do you respond when someone says "stop using autism as an excuse for bad behavior" after a meltdown? Has this happened to anyone else?

I figured out that the difference between an excuse vs explanation is that an excuse is when you don't do anything to improve it. While an explanation is like when someone says they cannot see because they're blind, or cannot walk because their legs don't work correctly.

Anyway, enough about me - what are your thoughts?

 

[TheFreeCat]

This is a hard post.

I don't know. If I melt down with someone, I assume it's over. I can't explain it. Often I have been hit in meltdown and have never gotten a single apology for being struck in meltdown. Once I did get an true apology and I remember it.

I figure if I don't deserve an apology, why would I try to explain it?

Truly, I assume it's over.

I don't have many friends, so it does not apply in the same way.

I get upset enough when I cannot communicate to someone after being ABLE to communicate. To me, that ends it, too.

I confuse people and they confuse me.

 

[Gritches]

Usually I just let that bridge burn and move on.

The whole "you're using autism as an excuse" thing is not okay for someone to say to you. This is the kind of thing we need to fight against if we're going to get anywhere as a people.

 

[Graphin]

@Gritches Just as we expect NTs to get over occasional problems with us like for example in this post, I think it would be more than reasonable to at least try to educate them

 

[Gritches]

@Gritches Just as we expect NTs to get over occasional problems with us like for example in this post, I think it would be more than reasonable to at least try to educate them

And attempts to educate them are often met with "you're using autism as an excuse" or some variant, as this poster is dealing with. So, I don't think apologizing for ourselves and hoping it'll be accepted is going to work. I mean, I'm fully aware that's going to be the general plan going forward, I just wish it wasn't.

 

[ksheehan88]

What you describe, ie the apathy, is how I shutdown. Meltdown is more physical ie scratching, hair pulling, screaming. Different kinds of overload I think.

 

[Decameron]

I would like to describe to you a situation which sometimes happens to me, in fact it happened to me just now. I hope you'll stick with me while I'm trying to explain

Sometimes a very peculiar situation and sensation occurs where something I'm trying to accomplish doesn't work or isn't coming together. Most of the time this has to do with fine motor skills and/or attention to detail.

I will give you an example of something that just happened to me. I'm trying to get into board games and have been playing a rather complicated game solo. To stay organized, because the game comes with scores of pieces, I bought an organizer kit for this specific game. This kit never worked. It didn't fit, wouldn't stay glued together and was just a piece of trash. Today for the last time I tried to fit it all together but only made more of a mess. At one point all the cards flew out of the box.

At such a point I get very angry and sometimes react by smashing whatever object I'm interacting with, in this case it was the game box and organizer kit. Now, what's curious is that I don't continue hitting and banging on these objects. Instead there is a very odd tingling sensation deep in my muscles that sets this off and needs to be released. It almost feels like a deep itch. Once I've let go one bang or smash the tingling/cramping sensation goes away. Enough so that I don't feel the urge to hit anything else. Although I'm still strongly aware of it for a while after.

Is this sensation familiar to anyone and if so, would this be considered a meltdown? I'm an Aspie but I've never thought about this as a symptom but it occurred to me this might be what others experience.

P.S. I've always been very confused that I get frustrated by organization tasks, isn't that what we're supposed to be good at?

 

[Pats]

I think we all experience unique personal melt downs. Mine is usually going into a freeze mode, while other's are more physical actions. And I know I'm not alone with the freezing - inability to move.
And everyone neuro-diverse has their own unique skills, Some are better at organizing and some not.

 

[Tom]

I think it is more like throwing a fit. Or in this case throwing a kit. Meltdowns are like the Witch in the Wizard of OZ.

 

[invisibility003]

Hello Decameron,

It does sound like a bit of a meltdown or outburst, to me, anyway. Personally, for me, when I feel strong emotions, eg. anger or stress, a lot of the time I don't know how to cope, so I have a total meltdown too whether its sensory related or just dealing with the certain emotion, and throw things as well (especially when I'm frustrated) and smash things. I don't know why, but I can relate to the urge or "itch" as you say, where I feel like I need to get physical and throw something, to make myself feel better. After I throw something, especially if it smashes, I instantly feel better too and throw one more object to calm myself down completely - I have no clue why it makes me feel better, but for me I think it is a sudden rush of energy, like an adrenaline rush, and I need to get physical and smash things to burn off that energy (I know I'm sounding quite violent, but this is when I totally lose it and am in full meltdown mode, I'm getting better at coping now, but I used to do this when I was really upset).

I haven't tried this yet myself, but maybe when you are on the verge of a meltdown, try going for a run to burn off that anger/stress/upsetness, whatever emotion you are feeling?? I haven't done this idea before, so don't know if it will work, but I've heard that exercise really is calming when you are angry or frustrated and is good to take a run or walk when you are stressed. Though, it will probably be hard to take a breather and stop getting physical and doing things you'd probably regret later, when you are in the middle of a full blown meltdown, so try to catch it early and use strategies (ugh, I used to hate the word "strategies" - I had depression and struggle with self harm when I was upset, so I have heard the phrase "try another strategy" way too often!!) sorry, I got a bit off topic there, and calm yourself down before it turns into a full blown meltdown throwing things stuff.

Easier said than done, I know, though. By the way, organisation skills is different for everyone on the spectrum. Some are terrible at organising things (I sure am, myself when it comes to making time to study and do homework at school!) and some are great, and some are just good sometimes and bad other times. We're all different, just like NTs and people not on the spectrum and thats all cool, so don't worry if you get frustrated at organisng things, everyone is unique at what they're good and bad at.

Sorry, this was a really long reply, I hope you don't mind!!

Jessie

 

[Cactus]

When I was young I found it necessary to throw things when I had a meltdown. I still have meltdowns, but I never throw, nor hit anything. I realized that acting out with violence can physically hurt others, breaking objects important to others can hurt them. Instead, I stand in place and yell.

 

[Ezra]

I'd call it a sudden outburst. I have those. They are different from meltdowns.

P.S. I've always been very confused that I get frustrated by organization tasks, isn't that what we're supposed to be good at?

Not if it's not going the way it's supposed to.

 

[Dillon]

I used to be in the position you were in when I was younger. I would get so frustrated when something didn’t work right the first or second time like a particular thing I would have to put together myself that I literally melted down throwing things across the room (nothing breakable). I grew out of it but I still get frustrated when I can’t figure something out.
Back in high school I had to teach myself chemistry since I had such a bad teacher who would not bother to teach us. No matter how many times I would go over the material I would get confused and upset with my self I kind of threw my textbook...I was at home when this happened. I learned throughout high school though that if something does not work the same way the second or third time just stop, walk away for a bit and think of a new approach or idea of how to solve the problem.
I’m at my third year of college now and coming up with new attempts with different ideas helps me from getting frustrated cause I knew something was not working the whole time and was not looking at the bigger picture.

So when you feel yourself about to breakdown from something like that just stop yourself for a moment and maybe think of another approach of how you can make your kit to work instead of putting it together the same way over and over again. In other words be creative in how it can best work for you.
I hope this helps.

 

[Theta.G]

Seems like a normal reaction to stress / frustration / anger

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

For me with objects that don't work, I end up hitting them. For loud noises, I either hit stuff, end up screaming and swatting at where the noise is coming from while grasping my ears (which causes me to hit and break the blinds on the window..), or if I'm stuck with a bunch of noises at once and can't escape, I end up screaming and crying.

 

[CassLovesBears]

What do meltdowns look like for you?
How often do you have them?
What triggers you most? Is it too many obnoxious sounds at once? Abrupt loud ones?

And lastly

With meltdowns do you feel as if you're a glass of water slowly being filled up with irritation until the water flows over?

 

[Mia]

Small volcanoes in my brain, that I don't even notice until something begins to warn me of them overflowing. Usually it's clumsiness, I drop things, run into things, and that seems to enable a chain reaction of events.

Much of it caused by loud sudden noises. Become jumpy and anxious and then shortly afterward, something like a meltdown occurs.

It could be a mix of occurrences, bright overhead lights, dull outside rain-like conditions, sometimes it's my two cats howling at dawn at one another on my bed and the running all over the place. This morning is was the sound of a rattletrap trailer that lost it's load of metal on the local road, and the screeching of metal against metal. Happens far too often.

 

[Highway Cowboy]

Had a day from Hell !!!!

Went shopping this afternoon to Morrisons Supermarket, did the shopping and walking back to the car through the car park, some daft old cow wasn't watching where she was driving and drove right into my girlfriend and knocked her over. It was a relatively low speed impact, maybe 3 or 4mph but non the less she was actually knocked off her feet by this car.

My girlfriend, although shocked, immediately got up on her feet and I was so shocked, upset and angry I went absolutely mad! Screaming and shouting at the woman driving. This was made worse when she refused to give her details so I immediately called the police and took photos of her car and the scene.

The manager from Morrisons came out to help and the inevitable crowd of nosey public gathered.

Having waited over half an hour for the police emergency response, and they never turned up despite the Driver committing the offence of leaving the scene of an accident without exchanging details. A telephone call later when we got home after being on hold 50 minutes, the police took details yet again and promised to act. I'm not holding my breath!

But I now feel really embarrassed as I had a full on meltdown in the supermarket car park, some would say very irrational given that there was no real injury, hospital not required etc. I just completely lost the plot. To be honest I feel that public situations are becoming more and more difficult for me to handle, I feel more and more frustrated and uncomfortable with people in general and my stress level goes through the roof at the slightest thing. So you can imagine how bad it was when some daft cow drove into my missus!

 

[SDRSpark]

Since I'm new to this whole world, I'm wondering if what I'm feeling are meltdowns.

I know in children it's a lot like temper tantrums and can be loud or just obviously a meltdown.

But can they be and contained? Like I feel like I'm melting down, but I'm still walking through the grocery store unable to really focus on what I'm doing, just trying to keep control of myself and not yell or cry.

When I search for information, all I find is about children.

Thanks in advance for any input.

For me it's like this (often, anyway). I feel like I'm melting down, but I somehow hold it together (barely) because of the need to not get arrested, lose my job, end up in the psych ward etc.

There are times when I can't hold it together, and wind up screaming/pulling my hair etc. That (thankfully) mostly happens when I'm alone.