Men & Women Please Answer...

[Undiagnosed]

The longer I am on this forum and read threads and posts I am starting to get an idea about Aspie's and relationships (I am talking about male/ female couple relationships). The drift I am getting is that Aspie men are not easy to accept for women in a relationship but aspie women don't have the same trouble from the man in a relationship....Is this right??

Please answer .....
1. are you Male or Female? and
2. Do yu or have you hade trouble keeping a relationship with the oposite sex? i.e. has the other person leaft or been unhappy /unsatisfied with you in the relationship or relationships? or vise versa?

I am starting to form a theory that Men in relationships (probably both neurtypical and aspie) don't seek, need, or crave the level of emotional attachment and conversation that women do. Women in general already have this problem with men in general. So I am thinking aspie men are even further off in this issue (than newuotypical men) and that's why women in general have a hard time haveing or staying in a relationship with them. And that women who are aspie don't have the same problem becouse their lower level of emotional need, connection, or conversation would actually close the natural male female gap.???
I don't know this is just something I am wondering about and hope some people will answer to see if this is true than women seem to leave or be unsatisfied with aspie men yet men seem to be ok with aspie women??

 

[Undiagnosed]

I will answer this first...
I am female and my theory holds true for me that men have not leaft me in relationships.

 

[smith2267]

I am male AS and I think you're right...I've never even been able to start a relationship except one. I either don't get a first date, or nothing more than a first. If we are in a common social group, they perceive that I am at the bottom of the social hierarchy and would thus be a liability to date. If we are not in a common social group, something still turns them off--maybe it's my lack of expression, I don't know for sure.
Long story short, I can never even start a relationship, so I don't know what would go wrong later.

 

[King_Oni]

I'm Aspie male... but actually I don't know if I can chip in a lot, since I've dated (presumably) aspie women before.

Out of 3 relationships that were worthwhile and that ended, they all ended for practical reasons to some extent.

One (who was NT, quite sure of that) moved across the country for a new course (and when you're 18, that seems like a sensible thing to do). She liked to party more and thus she probably had more fun there. I couldn't afford to travel there all the time. It was in times when people still had dial-up (about 1999 or so). Take in that I've spent days there... like 6 days a week or so at some points. We were kinda attached to each other in that sense. That didn't work out when she moved. As such we both moved on. Surely wasn't an emotional thing why we broke up.

Then, there was one, with whom I was together for 8+ years. She probably was an aspie. If anything I think she didn't contribute as much to the relationship as me. She was all about career at some point.She had limited time and wanted to the time she had to be distributed equally to her dad, her mom, her brother and me. This came down to me feeling left out a lot, especially since I always felt that the one person that has priority actually is the one you choose, not the ones you get "for free". I've had numerous talks with her about that, all to no avail.

And the third, presumably NT... it surely wasn't that we weren't involved with each other in a good way. If anything, I got slightly irate that she as a person wasn't challenging enough anymore. And honest as I am, I will tell someone this. Then come excuses like "but I have a job to do, that tires me" . The relationship watered down, up to the point where I got a single text in 2 weeks that didn't say anything worthwhile or interesting.

Maybe in all 3 it was me that wanted more time (and maybe affection). I don't feel you can run a decent relationship by talking to each other once a week for weeks, months or years. People will want some kind of involvement. Be it physical and/or emotional. And maybe, because I had a limited group of friends, I rely on relationships more (truth be told, I don't even want to keep up with multiple relationships, be it friendships or romantic, I don't want all of those to be halfway) and as such demand a certain investment in time. I think all of them knew I wanted that and they'd rather just stick to their jobs/careers. It just irked me they weren't honest about that from the start and it seems that their career was a lousy excuse.

 

[gailt915]

I'm an aspie female.
Never had a good relationship with any one I have ever been with (men). 80% of the time, I was the one who left. But I left because it was made very clear that I was no longer wanted in their lives. In an "empty" relationship now, but too poor to get out. Time after time, I just seem to hook up with the wrong person, for me, for him. I guess I'm just really bad at maintaining a good relationship, maybe I just don't know what one is........

 

[Undiagnosed]

I'm an aspie female.
Never had a good relationship with any one I have ever been with (men). 80% of the time, I was the one who left. But I left because it was made very clear that I was no longer wanted in their lives. In an "empty" relationship now, but too poor to get out. Time after time, I just seem to hook up with the wrong person, for me, for him. I guess I'm just really bad at maintaining a good relationship, maybe I just don't know what one is........

I don't think I realy know what a good relationship is either. I''v tried to many times and almost given up. Or mabey compleatley given up. I can't decide which for sure.

 

[imagesbyholly]

I am a female with strongly suspected aspergers, though undiagnosed, depression, and OCD. For me, my major relationship problem is that I dissociate. However, I ended up with a guy who wanted to be loved and get married, and was willing so stick through the hard stuff like I was. We've had our problems, like anyone. For my part, since I am introspective and have difficult mental and physical problems, I can be too serious and morose. I have had to learn to laugh more, use more encouraging and uplifting words, and not take things so seriously. For his part, he has had to learn to take me seriously and not shut off when I get emotional or...weird. That can be hard when you are OCD and obsessive negative thoughts are one of your major problems, but I reccomend reading Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (over and over) and Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage by Mark Gungor (website) even if you aren't married.

I think part of the problem for females is that we are floating around wanting Mr. Right so much that we get infatuated with anyone mildly attractive and interesting even if they lack the maturity and generosity it takes to build a strong, loving relationship. Instead of men who are also looking for a woman they can commit themselves to and marry, choosing to love even when it's hard. Of course, we have to be willing to do the same. Our culture has changed- marriage and commitment aren't as highly valued by as many men (or women) as they used to be. So for a woman looking for committed love instead of short term relationships, one night stands, or friends with benefits, there aren't as many fish in the sea. It isn't hopeless, though. There are men out there who want what you want. Maybe you need a change of scenary- maybe they type of guys you end up with have to do with where or how you find them. I wish I had better advice . It may be that you need to take some time to just be you and grow and experience life without a guy for a while, so that when you meet the right one, you will be whole and confident. That actually happened to me- I gave up dating completely then plop! he practically landed in my lap. Again- we had been together over three years previously. We'll be married 10 this August.

 

[Undiagnosed]

So far it sounds to me like Smith, gailt, and image (and me) fits what I was thinking. King I don't think dose? Dose anybody else think thats right or wrong?

 

[epath13]

I've seen this quote somewhere and there's some truth to it, that's not the main point I'm trying to get through but still, I want to mention it. I don't know where it came from, some old couple were married for many years, somebody asked them how did you stay together for so long and they replied, "in our time when things break, people fix them; now when things break, people throw them away"
Some of the issues in relationships (if not most of them) come from people expectations, we expect something from each other, we don't get it and get upset about it. Now, it's normal to expect things and to be upset if you don't get what you expect, but then the bigger problem grows out of what you do with situation next. Do you learn how to accept or you resent, do you start playing the blame game? Does your partner do the same thing?
Now about Asperger's, a lot of us (regardless of the gender) have needs that differ from the needs of so called neurotypical people. For instance, I personally need a lot of alone time. I'm not very good with emotional support, I'm more of a solution person. My emotional responses often don't come from feelings but from exhaustion and periodically hormones (thankfully I'm aware of it now ). I think for people on the spectrum it's very important to be honest with themselves about what we really think and feel, not what we supposed to feel or think... I don't know, I've had to learn that, and it's taken long time.
Basically, what I'm trying to say, any relationships need to be taken care of, some are more fragile than others but still. Honestly, I think Asperger's or no Asperger's, it's really about ability of one person to accept another and to put the perfect expectations aside. And one more thing, when you work on relationships, you also work on yourself, it can't be any other way...

 

[Jesse]

Hi Undiagnosed,

I'm a male in a long term relationship with a NT lady who finds me really difficult to be with. We have separated several times over the years - only for a month or so at a time.

I have another married male friend who is also not well accepted by his wife but most of he Aspies that I know, both male and female, are not in relationships.

I don't know any married AS women - other than my Mum and Sister. My Mum has definitely been completely accepted and loved by my Dad but my sister's first marriage ended in divorce. She is now happily married and again seems to have the complete acceptance from her second husband.

I hope my input helps to build the picture. I think it broadly supports your hypothesis.

 

[Cerulean]

Female
Yes, I have had lots of problems in this area. I had someone who was very social who couldn't handle my anxiety, someone who didn't believe me that I had sensory issues, and have had just about everybody have problems with how literal and unaffectionate I am naturally.

 

[Bay]

Female. I have a long history of choosing unsuitable men. I don't really know what part Aspergers may have played, as I only realized a year ago that I am an Aspie. The prevailing pattern, however, is that they were too busy to be able to spend time with me, so I ended up in relationships that were that in name only (well, legally, too). I'm in a wonderful relationship now, the best of my life. We're about to celebrate our third anniversary! But it's not a relationship with a man.

 

[Divrom]

In answer to your questions:

1) Yes
2) Yes

I'm male, but crave physical attention/affection.

 

[Aalo]

Also female.
After my last break up I swore myself not to date NT anymore. Now after it has been a while I guess I've forgot why that is.
Luckily I don't have that problematic on a physical side, but I have trouble connecting partners so that I can trust them. They should be brutally honest with everything and never say a thing they assume I want to hear. That has never gone well and I've stopped to tolerate these actions. And now I'm not talking just about lying, but also explicity that I've surely told them I really need. So that at least ruins a good emotional touch, if there's that. But you are right, the connection between AS female-me and NT-male can be quite easy at first despite some common misinterpretations.
I have no idea what I ought to face with AS person.

 

[poey]

1) Female
2) Not applicable. I'm in a relationship with a member of the same sex.

 

[Flinty]

1. Male
2. I've had more trouble finding a relationship than holding it in the past, but now I no longer care about it either way. That said, it got easier to hold each time out. So maybe one just needs experience.

 

[motormouse]

I am starting to form a theory that Men in relationships (probably both neurtypical and aspie) don't seek, need, or crave the level of emotional attachment and conversation that women do. Women in general already have this problem with men in general. So I am thinking aspie men are even further off in this issue (than newuotypical men) and that's why women in general have a hard time haveing or staying in a relationship with them.

I'm a female NT and I agree with this. I have had to learn to ask for what I want (like flowers on valentines day, cuddles when I feel low for no reason or help with moving boxes) a lot more then I have in previous relationships which means I sometimes feel cheated as I feel he's only doing it because I asked him to, not because he genuinely wants to help me or make me smile (I know, bad thoughts, bad). Mostly I'm ok with shutting those thoughts out, he is very good at these things when I ask and I really appreciate it because I know it can mean a bit of extra effort. I'm pretty lucky though, he's naturally very affectionate with me.

 

[_Josh_]

I haven't been in alot of relationships, but I seek, need, and crave an emotional relationship more so than the girls I have had relationships with, at least I perceived, albeit all of them were brief. But my problems have been purely communication and her expectations I suppose. I've never known another Aspie before though, much less dated one, so I can't speak at all in that regard. My theory is, I am always too nice, too driven to not do ANYTHING that might offend, and also too shy, and the girls have all ended up shying away themselves.

 

[Tarragon]

I haven't been in alot of relationships, but I seek, need, and crave an emotional relationship more so than the girls I have had relationships with, at least I perceived, albeit all of them were brief. But my problems have been purely communication and her expectations I suppose. I've never known another Aspie before though, much less dated one, so I can't speak at all in that regard. My theory is, I am always too nice, too driven to not do ANYTHING that might offend, and also too shy, and the girls have all ended up shying away themselves.

nuts, it seems a cliche but I think there is something in the "women like men who treat them mean" theory - to an extent folks! Maybe it's because women like to judge men all the time on how they would behave as their "protector" so if they are mean and nasty to them, then they will be good at looking after them out in the real world. Of course, just before I get shot down in flames this is only a mild idea - we all know that this taken to extremes leads to bad relationships, and I'm not advocating this approach at all. But, it seems an all too common pattern. Being a nice guy leads to disappointment! crazy huh?!

I think there's a problem in that women want sensitive men who are strong. Am I incorrect in thinking women always want more and are never happy with their men!!???

still, from my experience women always want more and more, so I suppose this circles around to me agreeing with the original idea that men don't want/need as deep an emotional involvement as women.

and, to answer the post
1. Male
2. Yep, I'm a nice guy and have seen women come and go. Ce la vie....

 

[Ylva]

Thomas Gordon's "Parent Effectiveness Training" helped me quite a bit with tuning in to emotions. And I don't even have any children.

My analysis says I come on too strongly, and I do this because, although I try my hardest to accurately read other people, I don't know what indicates that THEY have read ME. I don't want to assume, nothing good has ever come of assuming, so I just make my signals a little stronger, and a little stronger… until the other person gives off vibes that shout: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I GET IT ALREADY!"

God, I hate body language.

Sometimes.