Might my girlfriend have aspergers

[gemista2014]

Hello all,
Apologies if I have posted this question in the wrong section of the forum, but if appreciate some advice.

I have been in a relationship for 11 months and am wondering if my girlfriend is aspergic. I would very much appreciate any thoughts on this, and also if there is a sense that she might be aspergic, any hints on how to raise this.

>she does not like to be touched. She will not even allow her family to kiss her. She has a dog with whom she is extremely expressive emotionally and physically in a way she can't be with humans. If you touch her at the wrong time she will just fling your hand away with a terrible look of what appears like disgust on her face.
>she gets completely overwhelmed by emotions. She can't express them and has often told me that emotions overwhelm her.
>she can come across in a way that people find sullen, rude and moody. When she met my parents I explained this away as being shyness, but especially on meeting new people she can appear very sullen.
>she is extremely literal.
>Although she is highly educated (doing phd) her memory is dreadful: she forgets things that are said to her all the time.
>She cannot read people's intentions or behaviour. We have had constant fights because she would suddenly get it into her mind that I was cheating (I wasn't) and then nothing would shake her from this conviction. For instance, she might decide that when text messaging my mother I was texting a girl. She would then carefully construct a logical (to her - not to me) case for why it was clear that I was cheating and could not deviate from this. She would attack me with a very logically put together case. The problem was that it was complete nonsense.
>this relates to the above. She can't read how people communicate. On a number of occasions when I have simply been polite to a woman while in her company (usually to her friends as I am now careful to avoid women as she tends to get overwhelmed), she has been unable to see that I am simply being courteous. She cannot tell whether I'm hitting on a woman or being courteous. It can just be a "hello, how are you?" - I'm really not flirting. And I know she isn't paranoid - she just can't understand what I'm doing.
>she doesn't express emotions. She does like getting drunk and then the emotions come out (this might be when she will become more tender or say "I love you, but I'm only saying this because I'm drunk, forget I said this tomorrow and don't mention it". Of course I know she does love me.
>she seems to have her own way of expressing herself. Her most direct emotional expression comes in text form when she uses emoticons to express her feelings. She once told me that she and her friends have certain signals that she will use to communicate with; when a song is played that triggers an emotion or a memory she will touch her eye.
>on meeting me one of her oldest friends began touching her in a way that would irritate her. The friend would then say to me "it's okay, that's just how she is". I felt at the time that she was trying to demonstrate to me that I shouldn't take it personally when she pushes me away. So clearly the boundary issues are there with everybody. What did confuse me, however, was when the friend told me to hold her and kiss her. I refused on the grounds that my girlfriend would fee uncomfortable. "No, she said, with her you have to grab her and hold her really tight. She needs you to hold her really tightly" - which seemed contradictory to me but anyway.
>she becomes overwhelmed and then...boom. I've been assaulted on one occasion when she became overwhelmed and it was all too much for her. It wasn't a major assault, just hard pinching that left me covered with bruises until I gently lifted her off. I have observed her like this with her family too. She can have raging arguments.
>you say one thing and she thinks you meant something completely different. You will get silent treatment for two days while it goes around in her mind and then finally you might be told what she is thinking. Of course, she always has a completely logically assembled case for why you really did mean what she has decided you meant.
>she is extremely suspicious and untrusting.
>whether this might be related, I don't know. She is a problem gambler. She can sit in the casino for hours. She just kind of zones out sitting there pressing the button on the slot machine over and over and over again.
>she needs to be told things very directly. Also she can't really gauge when she is hurting someone with her behaviour.

I could go on but this message is probably too long already. I wonder does any of this seem to indicate aspergers? Yesterday my sister suggested that she thinks my girlfriend may be aspergic and I am trying to figure out whether this might be the case and if there's a possibility how I can speak to her.
Thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy message, and thank you for any help

 

[Progster]

Yes, the things you have described do sound like Asperger's. However, we can never say for certain whether a person has Asperger's or not on the forum, the only person who can confirm this is an experienced clinician. I suggest you read around a bit and learn more about Asperger's, and then you will need to decide whether to broach the issue with your girlfriend... she may have already been diagnosed with AS, but didn't want to tell you, or she may not be aware of it, in which case you'd need to think about how she might react if she knows.

Does your username refer to Greek cuisine?

 

[Abe1]

it does appear that the symptoms are consistent with Aspergers, but to know for sure you would need to get a diagnosis.

is there anyway you could get her to do some online tests, perhaps you could both do it, not to arouse suspicion, depending ion the result it give more credence/evidence to having her having Aspergers. You needn't mention Aspergers at the time.

 

[Suzanne]

Lol yes, I was thinking: so what on earth is it about this woman that you LIKE enough to want to be known as her BOYFRIEND?

I think that if I got my husband to read your thread, he would say: whoa and I thought you were bad enough, but hey, I think I am it easy with you!

I too, do not like being touched and yet, if my husband was to caress me, I do like it. I just do not like sudden touching! And I do not not touching people and again, at the same time, I can be quite demonstrative if someone is upset ie put my hand on their arm! So, indeed, rather contradictory.

It seems to me that you are obviously willing to work along side her, rather than demand that she conforms to you, which is highly commendable of you!

Unless she is willing to entertain that something not right is going on, I am afraid it leaves it all down to you, to try and gauge the best way to act around her and you couldn't have joined a better forum for that.

 

[CalDomine]

Gemista, I relate so closely with almost everything that you have described about your partner.
Although, I have learned, through many negative experiences the costs of some of these behaviours.
The point I'm getting at is that I am currently undergoing diagnosis under the explanation of being "Highly likely to have ASD".
I think it would be worth looking into ASD symptoms, but not forgetting that women tend to have certain symptoms that men tend not to have, so ensure you're reading about females with ASD.
The suggestion that you take a screening test online and then put forward that she does the same, under the guise of it being "Just for fun" is a good one.
It will allow her to see that she may relate to those with ASD, and the notion of pursuing it can come from her.
It can be quite a scary thing when you first realise how much you relate to it, so be there to provide all the support you can, as I'm sure you would.

I wish you and your partner the best of luck, and hope you both get the answers you're looking for.

 

[royinpink]

"No, she said, with her you have to grab her and hold her really tight. She needs you to hold her really tightly" - which seemed contradictory to me but anyway.

This is actually really common with people on the spectrum. The body responds differently to deep pressure and light pressure--deep pressure calms the nervous system, whereas light touch is arousing (which is overwhelming for people with ASD). If you watch the movie Temple Grandin, you will see how she uses this fact to design a machine that calms her (and probably a lot of other things about women on the spectrum).

As for broaching the subject, some people react well and treat it like yet another intellectual problem to learn about, whereas others may become totally overwhelmed and go into denial. The quiz is a great idea, but be prepared for aspie arguing about the merits of the quiz Another way is to approach the topic in a depersonalized way. You learn about it first, and then bring up something you learned (maybe a movie, book, etc.)

Also, kudos to you for your patience! Her suspicious nature is probably due to not understanding people (being suspicious is a good defense mechanism and the logical solution if you don't know or can't admit your diagnosis) and quite likely also being bullied in the past. The gambling is obsessive behavior.

 

[gemista2014]

Progster, Abe1, Suzanne, Cal, Roy,
Thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts
Of course, I've shared certain very personal details but the truth is that she's an amazing woman. If she was a paranoid, jealous and abusive girlfriend I'd have left ages ago: she's none of these things but just a very beautiful soul (ironically, though she tells me "I don't have a good heart like my brother").
Perhaps the biggest issue for me is not that she can't always understand my actions, words or intentions, but rather that I didn't understand hers. There were too many times when I did argue back after being wrongly accused or after facing some really hurtful comments that she had made in an argument over something I might not even have done or said. If I could turn back the clock and change my reactions, I would. I can't, so all I can do is learn to respond in a different and more supportive way, and not take the things she says personally. If I suggest we go to a bar simply because I've never visited it before and she questions this change and begins asking me "why? Why do you want to go now? Who's going to be there? Will you see her?", I'll know she's not intending to accuse me of cheating and thus not to take it personally...
I wondered if I could run a couple of other things past you in case these might also be relevant to my question of whether or not she might be aspergic.
>she can't sleep and says she has always been like this. She may lie awake watching tv programmes online until 3 or 4 am until she can fall asleep, and she loses a lot of the following day. This sleeping pattern isn't occasional, it's every day and she's now in her early thirties.
>she says she never lies. In general she is extremely honest - really honest. However, she has no problem telling small white lies sometimes, I know of a couple of big lies she's told me, and she doesn't have a problem with lying through omission in some circumstances. It's quite contradictory: she's very honest but when there's a reason she can also....I don't want to say more on this - she's my girlfriend and a good person.
>there are some things in her life that she's clearly got the talent and ability to do but she just can't sustain the effort. She says she's not lazy, and she's not - but on some important things there seems to be a case of very short bursts of effort and protracted periods of not really doing anything on that thing.
>when we began dating she warned me that in previous relationships she would always find a way to escape. Escape was her word. She seems to have had a couple of really big lives but she told me that the rest...as soon as they got too involved she'd seek escape and as soon as they disappointed her she couldn't even bear for them to touch her at all.
>I think she's incredibly beautiful, and when she goes out socially she spends hours to look amazing. But at other times she can go two or three days without a shower or sometimes with the same undewear (not that I'm checking - can't help but notice). She never smells bad or looks dirty. Maybe I'm just ultra prudish and this is unrelated but I've never been close to someone who doesn't shower each day and I wondered if this might be relevant in some way.
>she's extremely private - to the point of being secretive in some ways. I know not to question her on who she was with if she goes for a night out (even though on one occasion what was described to me as a night out with a large group of friends turned out to be just her and one friend - despite catching her out on this I didn't ask why she'd not been honest at the time and I never question because she can't handle questions and finds them intrusive - she needs space and fears that questions signal emotionally demanding encounters). Despite her sense of privacy being so pronounced as to be almost secretive in some respects, she is convinced that I'm leading a secret life about which she knows nothing. The irony is that in the face of her unfounded doubts about my fidelity, I tell her pretty much everything and there is no secret double life.
>she is very very negative. She never seems able to hope for the best.
>if she tells me there's something she needs from me in terms of my behaviour, as soon as I begin to do this she just becomes extremely suspicious and begins asking "why only now?" as though even by responding to her request I'm acknowledging that I was hiding some secret life from her in the period prior to acting on her request.
>when she accuses me she will refuse to see the evidence (for example, she'll refuse to look at my phone to see I was texting my mother) and will just say "I have all the evidence, the evidence is the signs that logically point to what you are doing. I see and know the signs".
>she seems to have a different conception of time. If she thinks I've ignored her or have been late she will sometimes exaggerate the amount of time. Once when I went out of a bar with one of her friends for a cigarette and she accused me of hitting on this friend, the five minutes we were smoking together were stretched into forty minutes in her recollection.
I'll stop here because this post is now getting too lengthy - apologies for this!
The other reason I will stop is because she's a beautiful and incredible woman inside and out and I feel uncomfortable sharing these things about my girlfriend as they leave a kind of distorted picture of who she is. She might not be expressive but she's really caring, generous, sharing and loving in her special way and despite the difficulties I want to be able to work through, she makes me really happy. I knew her before we began dating and I know her only as a really special person.
Apologies again for the excessively long post

 

[ancusmitis]

she may have already been diagnosed with AS, but didn't want to tell you, or she may not be aware of it, in which case you'd need to think about how she might react if she knows.

This is major. It can take a long time to learn you can trust someone with information like this, and often when other people bring it up it is in a deliberately insulting context. So you need to exercise caution here. I once gave someone a massive chewing-out because they asked if I ever took ritalin.

 

[gemista2014]

Thanks, ancusmitis! I do notice how often "on the spectrum" is used in a negative and insulting way in daily life and think that if she is aspergic and if she knows this, it won't necessarily be easy to disclose...

While I'm thanking you, thanks again to all who have posted. Suddenly things feel a lot more positive. I feel I know where I'm going with this and I'm starting to get a handle on the things I need to deal with in my responses and expectations in order to be more understanding and supportive and to make this better for us both. I'm feeling positive and constructive rather than simply personalizing things she'd say or do. Thank you

This is major. It can take a long time to learn you can trust someone with information like this, and often when other people bring it up it is in a deliberately insulting context. So you need to exercise caution here. I gave someone a massive chewing-out once because they asked if I ever took ritalin.

 

[Abe1]

Gemista 2014 - The more information you provide, increase the suggestion that you girlfriend does indeed have Aspergers. Sleeping disorders are common, indeed they recommended that there are no TVs in the bedroom, as this does not help sleeping patterns, although I also use the TV to get to sleep.

Low self worth is also common as is depression and paranoia.

I personally suffer from chronic self confidence issues, so I like compliments to boost this, so tell her I love you on a regular basis, everyone likes hearing that and this will have confirm a clear message to her on how you feel, However perhaps be careful initially as not to make her suspicious.

 

[Nisk]

Aspies can also suffer from co-morbids like PTSD, depression, borderline personality disorder or any other problems or combination of problems. Some of what you've said sounds like it could be attributed to other issues as well. Aspergers on its own doesn't always mean someone isn't dealing with something else. But without her having a willingness to address what is going on you'll either have to accept it and figure out how to deal with it on your own, that can really wear you down over time. Or you'll have to decide if your willing to live like that forever.

 

[gemista2014]

Abe, Nisk,
Thank you. To be honest, I feel as though I need to find a way to talk about it with her. She doesn't talk about problems easily. She's spoken about a major issue in her life a few years ago when she hit rock bottom but won't talk about it. I know she's had some serious romantic problems in the past from something she's said and something someone close to her told me in confidence. But she hates to talk about things. When we have a problem I try to discuss it but it's generally overwhelming for her. Something I would see as fairly innocuous she would see as a deep and overwhelming conversation. It's very difficult.
I like the idea of asking her to work through an aspergers test online with me to depersonalise it but she is very quick and suspicious: she'd read something into it. And to be honest she'd be right to read a hidden agenda into my behaviour if I were to do this, and that might further erode her ability to trust.
As difficult as it seems I feel I might be better trying to find an appropriate moment to raise it in conversation. She might be offended or hurt. She might think I'm invading her life or having a dig at her. But at least she would see honesty on my part.
It's very difficult to know. I love this woman. I know she is very independent so I am being careful to ensure I'm not trying to be her saviour. I just want to mention it because I care about her and then if she is she has knowledge and options and the choice of how she can move forwards with it (and how we as a couple can work together), and also because it might also make our relationship easier to manage. She's very complex. I can see her laugh and joke with some of her friends in open social settings though they also describe her as very shy - this is how she describes herself too - but I can also see her extremely extremely awkward socially in other situations. She's the girl who goes out a LOT until the wee hours but who doesn't dance (she's not a great dancer - like me she doesn't have great coordination). She's a woman of many facets. How to raise it all is hard but I think I need to find a way.

 

[Nisk]

It sounds like your very caring, I would just make sure to be 100% certain that your motivation is for her benefit. If it's not your intentions may be misinterpreted as being selfish or self-serving, they may still be regardless of your intentions but that may be the risk you have to take.

In my own experience I have been in a relationship for the last 11 years. When we were about 3 years into our relationship she had a mental breakdown and was diagnosed with bipolar. I made the choice then that I loved her and would stay with her no matter what. Fast forward 8 years and she kicked me out of my house decided that she's going to start dating and that everything she's doing is because God answered her prayers. It has taken a bit of time for me to stop blaming myself on a constant basis for what happened. When I did I realized how much her anger, criticism and controlling ways had caused me to slowly compromise who I am. It's not all her fault I chose to be there and had unaddressed issues of my own to deal with. Once I realized that I was only 50% to blame for what happened I was able to see how much damage had been going on that I was in denial about because, I loved her. Now if I was honest and open about my feelings from the start when something made me compromise myself we may not have made it 11 years but we may also have lasted 30 years. The future is unknown until we walk it but sacrificing who we are for another can only end bad.

If it helps our life felt like I was constantly failing a test I never knew I was taking.

 

[gemista2014]

Thanks Nisk.
Right now I don't feel caring, and no longer positive. I've endured a never ending Skype message row manufactured because she was jealous, angry and humiliated that I sent a message to her brother's girl.friend to pass on to her brother (as I lost his number with my phone upgrade). I know the brother and the brothers girlfriend and my message was of course perfectly normal and innocuous.
Sometimes I wonder when will all the jealousy and suspicion and when will the tests I'm set up to fail end....

 

[royinpink]

Thank you. To be honest, I feel as though I need to find a way to talk about it with her.

I agree. Her suspicion is negatively affecting your life (going into controlling territory), for one, and I'm sure she would also be a lot happier without the constant fear that you are up to no good. And by the way, it is totally okay to admit that your loved one is not perfect, that she needs help, and that you want to see the situation improve for both of you. So do NOT ever feel guilty about that or let her make you feel guilty. It does not mean either of you is a bad person.

I do second Nisk's suggestion that if you broach the topic, you should position it as something you hope she could learn about to better understand herself and cope with her anxiety because you care about her and want to see her happy, rather than immediately making it about her suspicion/control (which would sound accusatory and make her view the diagnosis negatively if she doesn't already), which is fueled by the anxiety.

But that's getting ahead of things. I understand your desire to have a conversation so your words/actions aren't misinterpreted, but this is a tricky proposition for someone on the spectrum because we are generally poor at processing spoken information in real-time and extremely likely to react to a perceived trigger or atmosphere rather than what you are saying. Even putting it in writing might be better. But instead of just sending her the quiz, you could also sit down and take it with her so that she can see your support (the wife in The Journal of Best Practices does this for her husband and he notes an odd quirk many of us share of arguing till we're blue in the face--or, for others, stewing silently for months--when presented with a decision but obeying immediately to a simple, unexplained command. You should be able to read it in the free preview). Regardless of what you do, she may need time to process and may react extremely negatively at first--don't take this personally. We are extremely slow with change like that.

(for example, she'll refuse to look at my phone to see I was texting my mother) and will just say "I have all the evidence, the evidence is the signs that logically point to what you are doing. I see and know the signs".

This concerns me because it indicates denial and invalidation of your perspective, which is harmful. You have the right to be listened to. I think you are right that the first step may be helping her reach a self-understanding of Asperger's (and possibly comorbid anxiety or PTSD), as after that, she may understand what is causing her fears better and realize that it is not simply objective fact. Until she does this, the best thing you can do is to remain calm and logical. It is important that while you express care for her you also respect your own boundaries and don't limit your own life due to her suspicions. This will only enable her and do nothing to ease her anxiety (anxiety generally is 'beaten' by exposure rather than hiding from your fears, which only intensifies the imagined threat), not to mention putting you constantly on guard.

Also yes, not paying much attention to daily grooming is a trait of some on the spectrum (but not germaphobes )

Best of luck. If you need any suggestions of resources, please feel free to browse the site or ask us. The better informed you both are, the better you can learn to understand yourselves and one another.

 

[royinpink]

Thanks Nisk.
Right now I don't feel caring, and no longer positive. I've endured a never ending Skype message row manufactured because she was jealous, angry and humiliated that I sent a message to her brother's girl.friend to pass on to her brother (as I lost his number with my phone upgrade). I know the brother and the brothers girlfriend and my message was of course perfectly normal and innocuous.
Sometimes I wonder when will all the jealousy and suspicion and when will the tests I'm set up to fail end....

I'm sorry to hear that. But I can say there is no way to pass the tests except to firmly assert your boundaries and yet not abandon the person, which demonstrates that they can trust you without needing to control you (which only hurts their ability to trust you, because you're not 'doing it of your own accord'). Jealousy is insecurity, but she can't become secure until she relaxes her need to control the situation...it's an ugly sort of trap you are both caught in. Doing what's best for her and for you may mean taking a little or a lot of space from the relationship if she will not face her issues.

I hope the best for you both.

 

[gemista2014]

It sounds like your very caring, I would just make sure to be 100% certain that your motivation is for her benefit.

Thanks, Nisk. Yes, my motivation is for her benefit. I made the comment about not being her saviour because when I contacted a helpline for advice on how to broach her problem gambling with her some months back the woman at the end of the phone just kept going on at me about being certain that I'm not trying to be her saviour. I'm not but I care and I want to help her.

I agree. Her suspicion is negatively affecting your life (going into controlling territory), for one, and I'm sure she would also be a lot happier without the constant fear that you are up to no good.
This concerns me because it indicates denial and invalidation of your perspective, which is harmful. You have the right to be listened to. I think you are right that the first step may be helping her reach a self-understanding of Asperger's (and possibly comorbid anxiety or PTSD), as after that, she may understand what is causing her fears better and realize that it is not simply objective fact.
It is important that while you express care for her you also respect your own boundaries and don't limit your own life due to her suspicions. This will only enable her and do nothing to ease her anxiety (anxiety generally is 'beaten' by exposure rather than hiding from your fears, which only intensifies the imagined threat), not to mention putting you constantly on guard..

Thanks, Royinpink. Such is the degree of paranoia about any normal contact I have that I ended up unable to use my phone normally. In June I sat with her in a bar in Istanbul (because she's only relaxed enough to talk about things when she's having a drink) and explained calmly to her that I'd like to arrive at a shared idea of how I can use my phone without her feeling uncomfortable and BOOM! She began accusing me of saying that she is a jealous psycho and barely spoke to me for the following two days. So yes, her behaviour ended up controlling my life, and I find it virtually impossible to discuss anything with her in even the calmest of ways. She always responds with suspicion and then anger.
As you point out, my mishandling of the situation has just fuelled her fears. But when you're trying to hold a job down, sometimes in the face of all the accusations you just take the line of least resistance just to get through (I was exhausted).
As for not validating my feelings: this is the pattern. She decides I have done something based im entirely on her logical analysis of the "signs" as she calls them and nothing will shift her opinion. She refuses to see evidence to the contrary. It was the same when she decided I'd been trawling bars alone while she was on a break with a friend: there was a blazing and abusive row and she refused to look at the messages on my phone from that night which demonstrated that I was with my friends.
When we speak about the issues it's difficult. Her standard response is that she isn't starting the fights but merely stating fact, and that by asserting my innocence I'm starting a fight. She tells me that the problem is that there is something wrong with me mentally because in the face of all the logically assembled evidence she has presented me with I still refuse to admit what I was doing, and that I'm too stubborn and treating her like a liar.
It's very difficult. She is so rigid in her thinking that she won't entertain any discussion, even calm discussion. If I try to suggest something helpful in a calm and constructive manner it will lead to an outburst from her. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. In daily life I'm treading on eggshells; to speak to her about aspergers seems well nigh impossible. She can't even take direction from her phd supervisor. She has her idea if what her way is and nothing will sway her from that. But I need to do it. On Friday I will try to create a relaxed atmosphere and then just try to talk to her. It's difficult.
Thank you for your time and advice everyone.
Can I take it from the overall responses that it's definitely possible she has aspergers? I really want to be sure it's a possibility worth exploring before I speak to her about it.

 

[Nisk]

You could suggest a couples counseling session to help her with "your mentally wrong issues". If she's as serious about the relationship she would probably go.

 

[royinpink]

Thanks, Nisk. Yes, my motivation is for her benefit. I made the comment about not being her saviour because when I contacted a helpline for advice on how to broach her problem gambling with her some months back the woman at the end of the phone just kept going on at me about being certain that I'm not trying to be her saviour. I'm not but I care and I want to help her.


Thanks, Royinpink. Such is the degree of paranoia about any normal contact I have that I ended up unable to use my phone normally. In June I sat with her in a bar in Istanbul (because she's only relaxed enough to talk about things when she's having a drink) and explained calmly to her that I'd like to arrive at a shared idea of how I can use my phone without her feeling uncomfortable and BOOM! She began accusing me of saying that she is a jealous psycho and barely spoke to me for the following two days. So yes, her behaviour ended up controlling my life, and I find it virtually impossible to discuss anything with her in even the calmest of ways. She always responds with suspicion and then anger.
As you point out, my mishandling of the situation has just fuelled her fears. But when you're trying to hold a job down, sometimes in the face of all the accusations you just take the line of least resistance just to get through (I was exhausted).
As for not validating my feelings: this is the pattern. She decides I have done something based im entirely on her logical analysis of the "signs" as she calls them and nothing will shift her opinion. She refuses to see evidence to the contrary. It was the same when she decided I'd been trawling bars alone while she was on a break with a friend: there was a blazing and abusive row and she refused to look at the messages on my phone from that night which demonstrated that I was with my friends.
When we speak about the issues it's difficult. Her standard response is that she isn't starting the fights but merely stating fact, and that by asserting my innocence I'm starting a fight. She tells me that the problem is that there is something wrong with me mentally because in the face of all the logically assembled evidence she has presented me with I still refuse to admit what I was doing, and that I'm too stubborn and treating her like a liar.
It's very difficult. She is so rigid in her thinking that she won't entertain any discussion, even calm discussion. If I try to suggest something helpful in a calm and constructive manner it will lead to an outburst from her. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. In daily life I'm treading on eggshells; to speak to her about aspergers seems well nigh impossible. She can't even take direction from her phd supervisor. She has her idea if what her way is and nothing will sway her from that. But I need to do it. On Friday I will try to create a relaxed atmosphere and then just try to talk to her. It's difficult.
Thank you for your time and advice everyone.
Can I take it from the overall responses that it's definitely possible she has aspergers? I really want to be sure it's a possibility worth exploring before I speak to her about it.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Don't blame yourself. I know how easy it is to give into and how hard it is to stand your ground in situations like this. Please recognize that chronic denial, victim-blaming, control, and manipulation to achieve their goals are classic behavior of abusers (not aspies). My father is both on the spectrum and psychologically abusive. Autistic folks are just as able to become abusive as NTs.

Sadly, I fear that not having support as a child (and parents who were similar) encourages some of these very poor coping mechanisms among a minority of people on the spectrum. For instance, being socially inept and teased can lead some to withdraw but others to adopt an arrogance about their intelligence--as noted by Tony Attwood in The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome--or even become bullies themselves. I know even Cynthia Kim admitted she did this but later recognized her mistake. It is not uncommon for bullying victims to become bullies, NT or aspie, and the same is true of victims of childhood abuse from parents or loved ones.

Abusers, contrary to popular belief, are not evil or unsympathetic people, and they are often struggling with mental health issues. (ETA: Although there are truly psychopathic abusers who lack any form of empathy, for someone on the spectrum, they very likely don't fully realize the effects of their actions and would feel bad if they did.) They are, however, very hard to help because ultimately that change has to come from their own willingness to right the situation or be a better person. Perhaps this is what the woman on the helpline was concerned about but put very poorly.

Yes, it is definitely possible, and from what you've told us, I'd even say likely, that she has Asperger's. To have a chance at returning this dynamic to normal, she has to be willing to look at her own issues, and I think Asperger's would be the best place to start, as she can begin to realize what is neurologically different about her instead of blaming others. This will only happen if she really looks into what it means to be on the spectrum and examines herself. It may be that she can only do this once she is given some distance from you so her first preoccupation isn't about controlling your behavior.

Again, I would caution you about spoken conversation. Have they gone well for you so far? Are you able to handle her outbursts without feeling anger, guilt, hurt, or fear? Does she absorb what you say during those conversations? For many of us, spoken words are really not heard as well because we can't keep up with the flow of auditory input. And once we get emotional or melt down, forget about it. Most of us, although we can raise our voices ourselves, cannot handle someone else doing so, and are very sensitive to the atmosphere or triggers related to whatever is stressing us out.

An indirect or written approach will give her a better chance of being able to process and using her logical mind to understand the situation rather than react defensively. In fact, I often have to do this with my dad, even if he is sitting in the same room. There are a number of reasons for this, the first of which of course is that, not realizing/admitting that his difficulties stem from autism, he has a tendency to blow up and assume the worst. But there are reasons it is legitimately hard for him: 1) He can't cope with sudden change, another aspie thing 2) He has trouble with decision-making, which makes him very tense (an executive functioning thing, which is another autistic trait) 3) He is very sensitive to criticism, which I hear a lot of us are, maybe stemming from a perfectionist tendency? 4) He really cannot both listen and process all the information you are conveying at the same time. He has single-focus, another autistic trait. 5) He has poor regulation of his own volume and emotional responses, another autistic trait. 6) He has poor ability to understand others' perspective, which is supposedly one of the defining features of autism, and has to work it out logically--which he can't do in spoken conversation given #4.

Given all this, spoken language is really not the ideal medium for a conversation. It's also one of the reasons aspie forums exist, and also something I do with my ex who is on the spectrum but not abusive. But even for my dad, if you put a request or difference of opinion in email, he has time to stew and process and realize that you are not attacking him, that your words do have logic, and that he can understand. His response is usually much, much better. Sadly, it took a third divorce for him to really take the process of examining his behavior and accepting others' viewpoints seriously. I hope your girlfriend does not need a similar shock to the system, but be prepared for the possibility given that she is an adult and somewhat set in her ways.

If she is truly too defensive even given time and space, I would second Nick's suggestion that you suggest couple's counseling with someone experienced with people on the spectrum (therapists who aren't have a poor understanding how how to accommodate autistic people's needs or perspective). The idea that counseling is something necessary to keep you and save the relationship may give her the incentive she needs to examine herself.

I hope this is helpful.

 

[gemista2014]

Dear Nisik, Roy,
Thanks so much for your helpful comments.
Roy, so much that you say rings true. She doesn't seem to hear things that are said or quickly forgets them. She has chronic single focus. She is also extremely sensitive. She will fight with me and say terrible things but in her eyes she isn't fighting; I'm the one who is fighting by maintaining my innocence. I am not aggressive but she behaves and speaks to me as though I'm always starting fights with her (she starts them by accusing me of saying, doing, or meaning things of which I'm innocent). She's really sensitive - you have to either soak it up and not react (which makes her lose all respect for you) or maintain your innocence (which drives her to become more abusive and to maintain that you're a dreadful man who starts all these fights). She can't take gentle comments but feels she's under attack. On one occasion i asked if she would like to go shopping to which she replied that she had no money. "Me neither," I replied and we drove home. I endured hours of passive aggressive silent treatment before she finally burst into tears and told me how awful I was for accusing her of spending all my money. When I protested that I had never said such a thing she then catalogued all the other times when id supposedly said this to her - all due to her hyper sensitivity. I hugged her but nothing changed - she was convinced i had said this.
It's an abusive relationship, you are right. Whatever it is is bigger than aspergers but at least I have a place to start. When she's not being abusive she is an incredible woman. But abusive she certainly is.