Mixed ASD/NT Relationships

[sisselcakes]

I was one the one focused on. We didn't resolve it. He left, and I attempted suicide.

OMG. That's very sad. You say you were the one focused on. Was that why you attempted suicide? Did you feel blamed?

 

[sisselcakes]

If you've met one Aspie ... you've met one Aspie.
If you've met one NT ... you've met one NT.

So... there is no prototypical NT/ND relationship. Too many variables.

Some autistic people are actually pretty good at relating, but easily get exhausted, and need extra down time. But other autistic people are sarcastic and have frequent melt-downs, which makes relationships extremely hard.

Some neurotypicals are good communicators and are accepting, thoughtful and kind. But so very many are not.

I think it's really a wrong question to ask what makes ASD/NT relationships work or not work. Look at each relationship separately and ask what made it healthy or not. Was there a lot of animosity and blame? Did the partners completely avoid all conflict? Were they in the relationship because they mutually felt it was the best they could do, but didn't really like each other? These may be common fault lines in ASD/NT relationships, but they are also common in NT/NT relationships. Look at each relationship individually.

Re: there's no prototypical relationship... true. And co-dependency extends to all sorts of relationships.

I just found that with my bf having traits, I fixated on those things. I identified them as the root of our problems. I never looked at my own behavior and perceptions of things. I think I came into the relationship putting my sense of self-worth at his feet. That's a very dangerous thing to do. I would have done that with anyone. My bf just happened to (likely) be on the spectrum.

I've asked before (here, in other posts) what makes an ASD/NT relationship work. That was part of my overly fixated attention on my bf. Now I'm realizing that I haven't taken responsiblity for myself. I feel badly that I basically blamed him. I'm not saying he's an angel or blameless, but I didn't see my own role.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I feel badly that I basically blamed him. I'm not saying he's an angel or blameless, but I didn't see my own role

See emenes below.

 

[Bolletje]

I was one the one focused on. We didn't resolve it. He left, and I attempted suicide.

I’m glad it didn’t work, I need my daily dose of Fino.

 

[Alexej]

I'm a pro at smoothing things over~

That one rings true for me as well.

Peace bringing in conflict is something I seem to do easily

 

[Suzanne]

It's embarrassing for me to admit, but I think I relied on him for my sense of self worth. He has made some comments that I've taken as critical. He's later told me that he wasn't intending to be critical (your typical aspie/NT communication issue); but I've not been able to let it go. It's silly, but two examples are him telling me he likes my hair down better and he doesn't think I look as good in dresses. How I interpretted these two things: "You're ugly". THAT'S NOT WHAT HE SAID, but he may have well said that because they've stuck with me and I can't get them out of my head. Do you see how pathetic that is? It's truly embarrassing to write that here, but just being honest.

Same issue!

There was a time that I NEEDED my husband, in order to confirm my existence. Now, though, I WANT my husband in my life.

We have a very volatile marriage; but we both continue to try our hardest to make things work.

Recently, he said that he would divorce me, to release me and I did not jump at that chance and that told me, that despite how bad we are together, as we do wind each other up and he suffers jealousy with me. He hates to admit that I am good at book keeping and even goes to say that I am arrogent to even suggest I am good at booking keeping. When a partner is jealous of their mate, the component of the marriage are stirred up, but because I know recognise what is going on, I do my best to work around it.

Oh dear, for YEARS, he could not talk to me about delicate things. Probably, because he always critisized me and so, I was always trying to get his approval and often frightened of him.

How, it seems to have turned around and I cannot now talk to him!

Unfortunately, I find out door smells to be repungent and he is a gardener and so, when it is raining and he comes home, this smell hangs on his clothes. He HATES it, that I cannot deal with his smells, but if anything, made it my problem and recently, I called him up about it and said that if I liked wearing perfume, then should I still continue to wear it, despite you hating the smell? He did get the point and now, he puts his clothes into the washing machine. I have heaved with the smell before.

He is terrible with clothes. He would easily lounge around in his work clothes, if he had a chance and I have said time and time again, that it is unfair of him. Suddenly, it occurred to me, that if he is bad at dressing and I am good, ought I not get his clothes out and so, that is what I do now.

By the way, how I got to: I WANT him in my life; from: I NEED him in my life, is finding a way that I can survive without him. I inherit quite a bit of money, if he dies and so, would use my book keeping skills to make it last and other things, that has helped me to not panic about being on my own. And because of this, I feel upset when he is late home, because I miss him, rather than I cannot cope without him.

In truth, marriage is very hard work and no marriage is without its issues and thus, it is learning to compromise and to well, become unselfish. Because if each party is concerned about the other party, then both needs are met.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Life revolves on the partner? Focusing too much about the partner? Are you talking about me

Even in my work, i'm trying to make it so it's similar to his field of interest. Even when colleagues see me, they only ask about my husband.

Lately, i'm starting to wonder, who am i actually... I didnt improve that much, since i wasnt focusing on myself. How regretful.

How about you? Do you feel anything similar?

 

[SolarPoweredNightOwl]

I've learned the hard way that ASD (me) and ADD (her) don't mix well, at least in my case. Our other mental issues obviously don't help.

 

[Fino]

I’m glad it didn’t work, I need my daily dose of Fino.

This is why we need a hug emoji!

 

[Fino]

OMG. That's very sad. You say you were the one focused on. Was that why you attempted suicide? Did you feel blamed?

Not at the time. I attempted suicide just because he left and said it would be the last time (having left a dozen times before). My life revolved around him, so him leaving = no life.

He later said he actually was going to come back but now he can't because I attempted suicide. It was an abusive relationship and he clearly wanted to continually control and hurt me, but I guess killing me was too far for him.

Everyone's got limits, I suppose!
It's been five years and I still occasionally want him back!
How sick!

 

[tducey]

To me balance is good but also respect. In any relationship balance and respect each other's needs and wants.

 

[sisselcakes]

See emenes below.

Thank you. This is so helpful.

I think one of the challenges I've had is that my ex (now friend) "passes" pretty well. He can look at people from afar and make a fairly good judgment about their relationship. He picks up on sarcasm. He can call me out when the meaning of my words aren't really the meaning- a typical example would be when the guy asks an NT woman what's wrong and she says "nothing", yet her energy and tone clearly indicate there is something wrong. He will pick up on these things.

So, superficially he seems to get things. It isn't until you get into the deeper nuances of a relationship that you notice it. An area he definitely misses are what people refer to as "dog whistles". He misses the underlying meaning of a message, whereas an NT very easily reads the true meaning of the message which oftentimes is exactly the opposite of the words that were spoken.

 

[sisselcakes]

Same issue!

There was a time that I NEEDED my husband, in order to confirm my existence. Now, though, I WANT my husband in my life.

We have a very volatile marriage; but we both continue to try our hardest to make things work.

Recently, he said that he would divorce me, to release me and I did not jump at that chance and that told me, that despite how bad we are together, as we do wind each other up and he suffers jealousy with me. He hates to admit that I am good at book keeping and even goes to say that I am arrogent to even suggest I am good at booking keeping. When a partner is jealous of their mate, the component of the marriage are stirred up, but because I know recognise what is going on, I do my best to work around it.

Oh dear, for YEARS, he could not talk to me about delicate things. Probably, because he always critisized me and so, I was always trying to get his approval and often frightened of him.

How, it seems to have turned around and I cannot now talk to him!

Unfortunately, I find out door smells to be repungent and he is a gardener and so, when it is raining and he comes home, this smell hangs on his clothes. He HATES it, that I cannot deal with his smells, but if anything, made it my problem and recently, I called him up about it and said that if I liked wearing perfume, then should I still continue to wear it, despite you hating the smell? He did get the point and now, he puts his clothes into the washing machine. I have heaved with the smell before.

He is terrible with clothes. He would easily lounge around in his work clothes, if he had a chance and I have said time and time again, that it is unfair of him. Suddenly, it occurred to me, that if he is bad at dressing and I am good, ought I not get his clothes out and so, that is what I do now.

By the way, how I got to: I WANT him in my life; from: I NEED him in my life, is finding a way that I can survive without him. I inherit quite a bit of money, if he dies and so, would use my book keeping skills to make it last and other things, that has helped me to not panic about being on my own. And because of this, I feel upset when he is late home, because I miss him, rather than I cannot cope without him.

In truth, marriage is very hard work and no marriage is without its issues and thus, it is learning to compromise and to well, become unselfish. Because if each party is concerned about the other party, then both needs are met.

I'm so impressed with your dedication. It sounds very difficult but it's obviously worth fighting for. I wish you all the very best. Sounds like you really love each other.

 

[sisselcakes]

Life revolves on the partner? Focusing too much about the partner? Are you talking about me

Even in my work, i'm trying to make it so it's similar to his field of interest. Even when colleagues see me, they only ask about my husband.

Lately, i'm starting to wonder, who am i actually... I didnt improve that much, since i wasnt focusing on myself. How regretful.

How about you? Do you feel anything similar?

I just wrote a post about an NTs need for validation and I realize that there were two things at work in the ultimate demise of our romance: 1) I have a natural tendency toward co-dependency and 2) he doesn't know how to be supportive and validate me.

I really don't have poor self-esteem.I think the feeling of being unsupported left me feeling insecure, in a way that I normally don't experience. Also, I was trying to save the relationship and the onus was mainly on me because I'm the one who has the ability to understand another's point of view. For that reason, I spent a lot of time trying to understand him.

Does that make sense?

 

[sisselcakes]

Not at the time. I attempted suicide just because he left and said it would be the last time (having left a dozen times before). My life revolved around him, so him leaving = no life.

He later said he actually was going to come back but now he can't because I attempted suicide. It was an abusive relationship and he clearly wanted to continually control and hurt me, but I guess killing me was too far for him.

Everyone's got limits, I suppose!
It's been five years and I still occasionally want him back!
How sick!

I can relate to the leaving a dozen times. We ended things fewer times than that but it was cyclical, unhealthy, and felt like a dozen times. I really think, if I had gone back to him again and again he wouldn't have resisted.

It's hard to let go of someone abusive, so bravo to you. They are master manipulators and really chip away at their partners' self esteem.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Thank you. This is so helpful.

I think one of the challenges I've had is that my ex (now friend) "passes" pretty well. He can look at people from afar and make a fairly good judgment about their relationship. He picks up on sarcasm. He can call me out when the meaning of my words aren't really the meaning- a typical example would be when the guy asks an NT woman what's wrong and she says "nothing", yet her energy and tone clearly indicate there is something wrong. He will pick up on these things.

So, superficially he seems to get things. It isn't until you get into the deeper nuances of a relationship that you notice it. An area he definitely misses are what people refer to as "dog whistles". He misses the underlying meaning of a message, whereas an NT very easily reads the true meaning of the message which oftentimes is exactly the opposite of the words that were spoken.

Funnily enough,you mentioned dog whistles.

We were sitting outside yesterday, neighbors were walking past with a dog.
She talks to the dog.

I say 'dont talk to the dog'

It was explained. People talk to their dogs,do if I talk to their dog,they think I'm friendly'

My still not expressed meaning was - it will p on the grass
(Plus the people will come nearer)

Perhaps this also fits with your reply.

My wife's reasoning didn't occur to me.