Mixed signals from my ex-Fiance who is aspie....

[BiancaLags]

Hi All,

I was wondering if I could get some help (please be kind). My fiance (who was diagnosed with aspergers about 4 years ago, I am 30 and he is 32) ended things 9 months ago very abruptly. He was "masking" the whole year we were together (yes we got engaged relatively quickly because we did love each other) and he didn't communicate with me how he was feeling so I thought things were going well. His mask started to fall off about a month before he ended things and he says he couldn't be who he was with me (his mask started falling off eg not wanting to go out anymore/becoming more quieter/less affectionate but I actually never complained and he felt like his "true" self couldn't come out even though I never complained once about his sudden change. Anyways things ended and it was brutal, I didn't know who he had become (he was cold, mean, ignoring me ...

I had never experienced this as when we were together he was quite loving and affectionate up until a few weeks before he ended things). We kept in contact and started talking more and seeing each other more and now we see each other once or twice a week, talk constantly (its mostly me keeping communication and I have asked him would he like me to just leave him alone and his like no). We are intimate still etc and its like we are in a relationship but its not official and with 'no title'.

He says he doesn't know what he wants or if he wants to be with me or anyone but he doesn't want to lose me. I tell him and show him examples of us being in a "untitled relationship" and he says- he doesn't know what he sees. He is currently studying a mechanical engineer degree so his focus is on that and when he focuses on that, nothing else exists.


How can he not know if he wants to be with me or not but then says he still loves me and doesn't want to lose me. Is there hope for the two of us if I keep trying from my end? He contacts me as well but I more so then him “ he says he “I don’t consciously not text” he just gets caught up with things.

Is there hope for us? Has anyone been in this situation? I have given him an out and said we go our separate ways and he always says. Is he just keeping me around until he is "ready" to be in a relationship?
Any help will be greatly appreciated!!!

 

[Tom]

To me it seems you are a very 'used' person. I see no future there except in prolonging pain for yourself.

 

[Thinx]

I'm not really seeing this as being about him being an Aspie. This happens with Neurotypical people too, sounds like he's ok with the idea of it just having no title and being what it is. But you are not, hence you are puzzled and uncomfortable.

Why was it you didn't complain about his sudden change to being mean and rejecting? Do you have low self esteem, or what were you motivated by?

I guess he likes the relationship how it is, and doesn't feel sure if he wants more commitment. Some people never really are sure, and maybe if he's that sort of person you would need to decide if that's OK for you.

 

[BiancaLags]

To me it seems you are a very 'used' person. I see no future there except in prolonging pain for yourself.

Hi there Tom,
Used as in having the relationship without being committed? He doesn’t force or care if we are intimate or not so I know his not using me for that.

 

[BiancaLags]

I'm not really seeing this as being about him being an Aspie. This happens with Neurotypical people too, sounds like he's ok with the idea of it just having no title and being what it is. But you are not, hence you are puzzled and uncomfortable.

Why was it you didn't complain about his sudden change to being mean and rejecting? Do you have low self esteem, or what were you motivated by?

I guess he likes the relationship how it is, and doesn't feel sure if he wants more commitment. Some people never really are sure, and maybe if he's that sort of person you would need to decide if that's OK for you.

Hi there, I am referencing it as being an Aspergers situation as his lack of talking about making it official as he admits he can’t mentally handle the conversation, lack of being able to make up his mind or think ahead? I know his has some commitment because he decides to propose to me?
He never became mean/rejected me - regarding the affection we were still intimate but he just wasn’t as affectionate as when he once was. When he broke up with me and became horrible I ripped him a new one and he apologised profusely and all he said was the change was to much and he didn't want marriage and then he changed his actions then we became how we currently are now.

I think I am uncomfortable with the no title because I don’t know where I stand sort of thing and because it’s just confusing that he doesn’t want to make it official yet doesn’t want to lose me. It’s just a confusing situation

 

[unperson]

Think it will always be like that, if you want something more maybe look for someone else.

 

[Aspychata]

I kinda of like being untitled because it seems less pressure for both of you. Not sure why there has to be anything more. The minute you title it, then expections are then the normal, and you no longer strive for the excitement of just being together with no expections. This probably makes zero sense, and yet my brain finds untitled fascinating. But l am clearly not NT. l did mask and follow normal but my marriage failed horribly.

 

[BiancaLags]

I kinda of like being untitled because it seems less pressure for both of you. Not sure why there has to be anything more. The minute you title it, then expections are then the normal, and you no longer strive for the excitement of just being together with no expections. This probably makes zero sense, and yet my brain finds untitled fascinating. But l am clearly not NT. l did mask and follow normal but my marriage failed horribly.

Hi there!
I think having it be "titled" makes it mean something more to me unlike him. Eg with the way he thinks because we aren't "official" he doesn't feel "obligated" to contact me whilst if we were official he would (if that makes sense). I think if he decided to see me more during the week or weekends then i would feel a bit better about it not being titled whilst atm we see each other once/twice a week (he doesn't want me around his mum at the moment as she will start the questions and he said he mentally can't handle that right now and he doesn't feel as obligated to contact me as we aren't official nor does he consciously not contact me but I think it having a title gives it a bit of clarity and theres a few expectations eg see each other more etc if it was titled and as his currently doing his degree he can't deal with uni and a relationship as he thinks the expectations on him will be to much (i have told him theres no expecations apart from 1 extra day of seeing him).

i think he ist just very confused and literally can't figure him out and he admitted because of the aspergers anything to do with emotions he blocks out and doesn't like thinking about it, yet he doesn't want to lose me which just makes me soooo confused!

 

[Aspychata]

Think he shared his true feelings which are l am confused about us and l am confused if l want to feel more obligated to you then simply untitled. When you expect him to follow normal conventional relationship patterns - then there is a giant void in our brain if we should float NT normal. Because we aren't conventional people. So to be normal can feel strange to us. I go back and forth on should call, should l not call. Now l just step back and relax.
Guess you could find something to fill the void of not being with him.

 

[BiancaLags]

Think he shared his true feelings which are l am confused about us and l am confused if l want to feel more obligated to you then simply untitled. When you expect him to follow normal conventional relationship patterns - then there is a giant void in our brain if we should float NT normal. Because we aren't conventional people. So to be normal can feel strange to us. I go back and forth on should call, should l not call. Now l just step back and relax.
Guess you could find something to fill the void of not being with him.

I do want to be with him because I do love him and I know he loves me, its just frustrating when he says he doesn't want to lose me and that he loves me yet he doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship even though we are basically in a relationship without the title!

 

[Aspychata]

Yes. That sounds pretty correct. Can you be happy with just that?

 

[BiancaLags]

Yes. That sounds pretty correct. Can you be happy with just that?

I told him I am happy to do what we are doing now just with one extra visiting day on the weekend and he said he will see as he doesn't make promises to anything (he never has even before he met me) his literally a day by day guy, he mentally can't think a day ahead

 

[Aspychata]

I told him I am happy to do what we are doing now just with one extra visiting day on the weekend and he said he will see as he doesn't make promises to anything (he never has even before he met me) his literally a day by day guy, he mentally can't think a day ahead

Think what is great is you are working this out then causing him stress. Because we can stress out on the simplest things such as dating. l had a pattern of just breaking up if too stressed out. We can have a hard time forming connections because being alone is okay with a lot of us.

 

[Tom]

It seems to me right now he is letting his needs rule. If he does love you, enough to have a chance, he should realize your needs are just as valid in the relationship. And not just realize them but want to meet them. Then comes the work of talking things out and finding solutions, and often compromises. A work that really never ends but has to be readdressed regularly over time.

This need to work on a relationship isn't confined to ASD-NT relationships. It also is a necessity in NT-NT relationships. It is just that in ASD-NT there are some additional built-in differences on top of the variety of personalities and characters we all share.

 

[Stardust Parade]

I think you should move on, unless you enjoy being strung along. He’s not going to change just because you want him to. He’s clearly told you he doesn’t want a relationship so believe him. The “I don’t want to lose you” is basically him just saying “I want you around until something better comes along”. You’re just convenient for him.

 

[BiancaLags]

Think what is great is you are working this out then causing him stress. Because we can stress out on the simplest things such as dating. l had a pattern of just breaking up if too stressed out. We can have a hard time forming connections because being alone is okay with a lot of us.

thats him! He was with his ex for 5 years and was happy just “dating” but they hardly left the house or did anything as he is a homebody but as soon as they started bickering his like nope I’m out, the same with his other relationships. The only thing with us was we didn’t fight but the huge change coming his way made him panic and that we weren’t 100% compatible and I’m like unless your with someone with Aspergers as well you will never be compatible with someone.
I think me bringing it up causes him mental stress especially with his uni work so I guess I just have to go day by day with him until he figures out what he wants and be prepared to get hurt if he does realise he doesn’t want to be with anyone!

 

[Stardust Parade]

thats him! He was with his ex for 5 years and was happy just “dating” but they hardly left the house or did anything as he is a homebody but as soon as they started bickering his like nope I’m out, the same with his other relationships. The only thing with us was we didn’t fight but the huge change coming his way made him panic and that we weren’t 100% compatible and I’m like unless your with someone with Aspergers as well you will never be compatible with someone.
I think me bringing it up causes him mental stress especially with his uni work so I guess I just have to go day by day with him until he figures out what he wants and be prepared to get hurt if he does realise he doesn’t want to be with anyone!

I guess if you enjoy waiting around for someone who clearly doesn’t love you and never will, sure go ahead and wait.

 

[Thinx]

He does seem to expect you to fit in to his preferences and priorities, and as @Tom said, that's not showing commitment to the relationship or valuing you. Do you really want a relationship long term where you have to go along, and don't get valued? I don't think this part of it is about being Aspie, so much as his personality, and his life stage too probably.

I left someone who acted like this, and although I loved them and wanted to be with them, they didn't value me enough, so I wrenched myself away. Many years on now, I feel sure it was the right decision, though painful.

 

[BiancaLags]

I think you should move on, unless you enjoy being strung along. He’s not going to change just because you want him to. He’s clearly told you he doesn’t want a relationship so believe him. The “I don’t want to lose you” is basically him just saying “I want you around until something better comes along”. You’re just convenient for him.

Hi there,
If it was any other guy I would understand what your saying .... I don't want him to change I just wish he could make his mind up. He says he doesn't know if he wants a relationship or not but said he wants us to continue how we are to help him make the choice (he doesn't expect intimacy so his not using me for that part). He is a major loner who said he doesn't expect me to wait around until he makes up his mind so his happy to be alone if he chose to. He is not a liar at all and has no filter so if i was a convenience for him he would legit just say it to me and not be worried about how i felt.

He does seem to expect you to fit in to his preferences and priorities, and as @Tom said, that's not showing commitment to the relationship or valuing you. Do you really want a relationship long term where you have to go along, and don't get valued? I don't think this part of it is about being Aspie, so much as his personality, and his life stage too probably.

I left someone who acted like this, and although I loved them and wanted to be with them, they didn't value me enough, so I wrenched myself away. Many years on now, I feel sure it was the right decision, though painful.

Hey there,
I think the aspie part is the lack of communication and him not being able to discuss emotions or have conversations that will make him feel stressed as he gets stressed quite easily and just not knowing what he wants. He has said he doesn’t expect me to wait around until he sorts his stuff out but that he would like to as he doesn’t want to lose Me. We are literally in a relationship without the title and making it official is where his a bit hesitant as he feels certain expectations will be put on him which he feels like he might fail due to not being able to focus on it 100% due to university studies

 

[zozie]

My last relationship was like this. I'm waiting on my assessment results but self-identify as an aspie, and I'm pretty sure my partner was wondering if they were on the spectrum as well. For me, relationships need a clear definition and direction. For them, if it wasn't undefined it caused a lot of stress.

Both of us were poor at accessing and communicating our emotions, and it ended badly, but even if we were good at accessing and communicating our emotions, our relationship needs were just different. Regard or affection did not meet that need, however much either of us may have wanted it to. It was a very painful breakup but a necessary one, in my opinion. I've been solo for three years since, and not particularly lonely.

To this day, actually, I don't know why he got into a relationship with me. I'm not sure he wanted it in the first place. But for my part, I did think I could do the "untitled" thing and it turns out I could not. Despite some really great moments, it didn't fit.

One of the challenges you have mentioned here is your ex's difficulty in describing his desires for the relationship, and perhaps his emotions around it. This is not likely to change, in my experience. And given your differing needs in whether a relationship is defined or not, are you satisfied with where it is now? And if not, consider that what you need and what your partner is able to give may be irreconcilable, however much you may care about each other.

Best of luck to you, relationships are so difficult for aspies, and perhaps for everyone at times.