Mom of 15 year old boy with autism, anxiety, adhd,ocd who is struggling socially

[Skuppy73]

Hello to all. I need some guidance or at least maybe another parent who can identify with what I am experiencing with my son. He has no friends. He is a sophomore in high school. He has so much trouble fitting in. He is in an inclusion class and does well. He isn’t brilliant but he is def smart. He wants to fit in so badly that his anxiety over this is through the roof.
I have tried social groups and now put him in a video gaming club hoping that he will find at least 1friend, in time, as he has only gone 3 times so far. Part of the problem is that he is fighting his diagnoses and wants to be “normal” and hang out with NT boys his age. He is angry at times and has recently received a depression dx. He admitted to suicidal thoughts. He has a therapist and a pediatrician that specializes in adolescents. (His son is also on the spectrum.)
I try to talk to him. We all do, but nothing gets through. He hears only what he wants to hear and when things go wrong, he finally admits that I was right. Unfortunately by then, it’s usually too late to correct his behaviors and his peers at school have already noticed his issues…..Then starts the pattern of anxiety and being stuck and he can’t get out of his own way.
He is always home and has no other interests besides til tok and video games. In all fairness, he has no one to hang out with so his options are limited. We try to get him out of the house but he has a thing about being seen with his parents. The other day, 4 girls in his class were in Starbucks making fun of him behind his back, right in front of me! I was livid! I let them have it! So upsetting as a mom!
He has so many issues but he is a good kid that just really wants friends and wants to fit in somewhere. I know if he had just one friend, it would be so good for him. He needs to have those kinds of interactions and experiences.
He’s tried applying for jobs locally but no luck so far. He really wants a job thinking maybe he will find friends that way but so far, no luck. Idk. I just feel I am failing him. I am so worried about him and his future. And I have no idea what that future looks like although the school wants a projected plan for after high school. Yes, ok! I have no idea! I know when I was that age I had no clue what my future looked like, and he has a lot of growing up and maturing to do up until then. I just hope it happens. I’m just so worried. Does anyone feel this way or have any advice? I’ve tried to find support groups for myself and him but there is really a lack of help where we are. He tried a social group but the kids were not like him. It wasn’t a good fit. He was more angry when he came out of it so that was a major fail. Parenting, hardest job EVER!!!

 

[TBRS1]

This is very hard, for you and the child. I am sorry that you are forced to experience this.

I have no solution, but some possibilities. I am autistic myself, and I was a high school teacher until I retired - I've seen others in this situation.

1. Students at the high school asked me to be "advisor" for the Anime Club. When they met weekly, I saw an entire group of about 30 kids who definitely DID NOT "fit in" form a loose friend group - essentially, an organically formed mutual support group.

I have seen this happen in other groups - my own children found refuge in the Theater Club. STEM clubs seem to be good too.

So an after school group or club might help.

However, joining one can't be a forced choice. Since you know the child's interests, it might be possible to find a group at the local high school.

It might be a good idea to meet privately with the faculty advisor, explain the situation, and ask if there are a couple of friendly kids in the group who might reach out to your child, possibly "show them the ropes" (which secretly means "take your child under their wings" ).

2. My nephew (autistic) was not physically social, however he had a massive online friend network based around his favorite computer game nexus.

Not everybody who wants interactions actually wants face-to-face connections, some folks are perfectly fine with or even prefer socializing at a distance (me, for example ). It might be necessary to broaden one's thoughts about the ways in which meaningful social interactions can take place.

I know neither one of these things is especially helpful. Hopefully there will be others who can help.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

What you are describing certainly is consistent with many of our life experiences. Life is a difficult and cruel teacher sometimes. It's no secret that young people can be mercilessly cruel towards anyone perceived as "different". All we want to do, as a young person, is to just fit in and "be normal". As an adult, we know that this does become less overt as we get older, but you're dealing with this in the present. It isn't going to help now telling him in 10 years, things will be better. The tragedy is that autistics have 6X the suicide rate of the rest of the population, if there is ideation there, we take it seriously. It's not some phase where we are looking for help or attention, like so many other young people. Those of us that make it through those early years, over time, I think we just get worn down, tired of the struggle, and give up on people, in general. We keep our inner circle of people very small.

Mainstreaming some autistic kids is not a good idea. The relentless mental and even physical abuse from their classmates just makes living a Hell. You have no control over those other kids. You are put into a situation where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't isolate your child from that constant barrage. He's 15, and by now, he's already shown his abilities to fit into society. At this point, I would be suggesting home schooling, having him focus on life skills, a degree or a trade, and prepare him to be a good, useful citizen. Eliminate the constant torment and distraction. The reality is that he will learn that the only reliable person in his life just might be himself, so teaching independence is a huge priority. It may seem the path of least resistance is to have him live with you and you being his "safety net", but life happens, there may be a day when you aren't able to be there for him, and he needs those skills to take care of himself. You need the peace of mind that "he's going to be OK", "he's got things handled". He will have to simply learn to live with discomfort and do things because he has responsibilities, and his feelings simply don't matter. A difficult, harsh reality especially when you have heightened sensory issues and sensitivities to social rejection.

The reality is that many of us, especially as adults have a life without true friends. We may have friendly acquaintances, but no true friends. If we do, it's that ONE person. He doesn't have to know this now, but likely that's what is in his future. Don't ask us about girlfriends/boyfriends. Don't bring it up. The vast majority are tormented, depressed, frustrated, even angry about the topic. Jokingly, the only way any one of us actually finds a friend or life-partner is if the other person is extroverted enough to "adopt" us. My wife "found" me. 99.9% of the social planning and interactions occur through her. The kids communicate with me through her. I don't receive phone calls or texts unless it is her.

Most of us will never "fit in". We can co-exist, but most are out on the periphery. As it is often said, there's a glass wall between us and other people.

All anyone can realistically do is to adapt and overcome. We have to find our own way, often through years of trial and error. As a parent, you want the best for your child and have dreams of what they could eventually be, but as much helpful wisdom and guidance you can provide might not be the RIGHT advice for someone with an autism condition. We experience life totally different than the rest of the people out there. We hear, see, smell, taste, think, you name it, it's different than neurotypicals. Sometimes it's good thing when innovation and problem solving is involved, but most of the time, it's just like being a visiting alien from another planet. You are there, but not there, constantly perplexed by human behavior, and have difficulties interpreting the intentions of others.

I can go on and on here, but I would consider removing him from that environment.

 

[Roisin]

This is a tough time for you both, the natural drive to be connected to peers at your sons age and the limited success with this must feel very isolating for him.

The sense of not belonging and being an 'other' is something many, if not most ASD folk experience as their normal particularly in childhood/adolescence.

My perspective on this is to safeguard his mental health, and to think about what is socially sustainable longterm?
Teenage friends will not ensure that feeling of connection, how far should he push himself, how much of his energy should he use in the pursuit of friendship?

Being part of a few alternative types of groups helped me to mix with more people than those from school, which in turn gave me a little more confidence in social school situations.
Groups based on shared special interests were easier for me than classroom groups. They didn't necessarily lead to friendships, but more like situational friends.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

He Needs to locate a friend is is also on the spectrum, I was lucky that person was my brother. This friend will be hard to locate as they will be masking, get to know some of the other mothers. Usually the other bright kids, the nerds. Your son is not the only kid in his school, on the spectrum.

 

[Judge]

It is terribly difficult to walk a line of both masking, yet not trying too hard to socialize with people. I can only lament that the harder one tries, even with great sincerity, that the odds are that they will fail. Even more so, when a child is being mainstreamed in a public school where it may be difficult to seek his own kind. (I felt increasingly isolated in high school).

I didn't have a clue I could be autistic until the age of 55. In the meantime I just struggled through life perceiving myself as some kind of weird introvert and little else.

Sorry I can't really add something more beneficial to say, other than I get it having "been there" myself. A very tough journey for a teenager without support from his real neurological peers, IMO.

 

[Misty Avich]

I feel for your son, as I went through the exact same thing when I was his age. I felt embarrassed about being a burden on my mum while all my cousins and siblings had friends.

Many female Aspies who go to mainstream school seem to find themselves at least one friend that loves them, but I was the stereotypical Billy-No-Mates type of Aspie even though I'm level 1. I guess I spent all my energy on masking my ADHD (which I didn't know I had at the time) than ASD. Even though I wasn't obvious, it still didn't win me many friends and I was probably the most unpopular person in my class.

Like you, my mum got me to join a club to help me make friends outside of school, because she thought it'd help. But it was a club for disabled teenagers and I didn't fit in there at all. I was stuck in that awkward position where I was too weird for NT peers but too NT for (mentally) disabled peers.

I do feel for your son. I wanted to be "normal" too, ever since I got the diagnosis at the age of 8 and a half. It made me angry and resentful about myself and unfair it was that I had to be the one born like this and felt so genetically unlucky.

I remember my mum telling the social worker that I was too clingy with my sister and that I "needed to let her have friends". But I think I was just envious because she was doing better than me socially, even though she had learning difficulties, and even social delays when she was little. I wanted her to be a social outcast like me so that I wasn't alone. I felt she had more worth than me because she had friends, while nobody in my class wanted to hang out with me. I was so lonely that it's basically traumatic for me to think about.

 

[Skuppy73]

This is very hard, for you and the child. I am sorry that you are forced to experience this.

I have no solution, but some possibilities. I am autistic myself, and I was a high school teacher until I retired - I've seen others in this situation.

1. Students at the high school asked me to be "advisor" for the Anime Club. When they met weekly, I saw an entire group of about 30 kids who definitely DID NOT "fit in" form a loose friend group - essentially, an organically formed mutual support group.

I have seen this happen in other groups - my own children found refuge in the Theater Club. STEM clubs seem to be good too.

So an after school group or club might help.

However, joining one can't be a forced choice. Since you know the child's interests, it might be possible to find a group at the local high school.

It might be a good idea to meet privately with the faculty advisor, explain the situation, and ask if there are a couple of friendly kids in the group who might reach out to your child, possibly "show them the ropes" (which secretly means "take your child under their wings" ).

2. My nephew (autistic) was not physically social, however he had a massive online friend network based around his favorite computer game nexus.

Not everybody who wants interactions actually wants face-to-face connections, some folks are perfectly fine with or even prefer socializing at a distance (me, for example ). It might be necessary to broaden one's thoughts about the ways in which meaningful social interactions can take place.

I know neither one of these things is especially helpful. Hopefully there will be others who can help.

 

[Skuppy73]

I appreciate your input. He has tried a tech club- went over like a lead balloon. He just started in best buddies and liked it bc he felt he was helping the students that were worse off than he is. We try to encourage him to be involved in other clubs but he resists bc of his anxiety.
Long ago I adopted the frame of mind that his definition of happiness may be different than mine. The truth is, at this point, that he is the one that says he wants to have friends.
It isn’t my wishes being imposed on him bc that’s the way I see things as a NT adult. He wants to be able to go to the mall and hang out, eat pizza, go to the movies….. He doesn’t want online friends. He wants the real thing. He sees all of these kids on social media and thinks he’s missing out. He tells me he wants a teenage life and he feels he’s missing out on it. That’s what makes it so hard. He knows they make fun of him. He knows they shun him. He’s very astute in that way. He just keeps trying. I wish he was happy being a lone wolf but the truth is that he isn’t. I’m sorry I’m rambling. I just need to blow off some steam and feel like someone hears me. I appreciate everyone’s input.

 

[velociraptor]

Mainstreaming some autistic kids is not a good idea.

Honestly, not in my case. I didn't learn how to read social cues until well into adulthood and it wasn't cheap to pay for lessons for this. I just did not mix well with NT kids at junior high school or in high school. I did best when mixing with kids who shared my interests at clubs outside of school.

 

[kityoume]

now there are many such detached people like your son and this has become a variant of the norm, it is important for you to understand first of all that he did not belong to your generation in which everything was arranged differently and not communicating with classmates meant true detachment. Support your son in his hobbies, even if his hobby is TikTok, perhaps offer him to create TikToks on topics that he likes, this can be done without showing your face, but review, for example, those topics on which he attends a club of interests. Communication with subscribers can become more comfortable for him since these people do not require constant involvement in relationships like real friends, but at the same time they like what he does. Accept the fact that your son may never be the way you would like to see him, and the way you think is better for him to be. 15 years old is already a grown guy for him it can be a real big problem that his peers laugh at him, seeing him with his parents, so do not impose yourself on him, let him just do what he likes and do not create drama from the fact that he has no friends. Your task is, on the contrary, to lower the importance of this for him, instead of constantly reminding him that he should make friends with someone and frantically waiting for this to happen, start telling him that not being close friends with anyone is also normal and support his desire to do something. For example, if he wants to shoot for TikTok, try to buy him a new camera, if he wants to make music, buy him the instrument he wants, just do not impose anything on him, follow what he is genuinely interested in. Suggest that he start preparing for entering a university, for example, in the field of IT, which such people often like, or something else that he wants. Help him relax and accept the fact that he has no friends, there is a high probability that he will never have many of them, at best such people find one or two with whom he feels comfortable, but for this he should just be himself and live his life. If he feels more comfortable on the Internet, let it be the Internet, try not to drag him anywhere involuntarily and do not go with him where his peers can see him.

 

[kityoume]

I appreciate your input. He has tried a tech club- went over like a lead balloon. He just started in best buddies and liked it bc he felt he was helping the students that were worse off than he is. We try to encourage him to be involved in other clubs but he resists bc of his anxiety.

Long ago I adopted the frame of mind that his definition of happiness may be different than mine. The truth is, at this point, that he is the one that says he wants to have friends.

It isn’t my wishes being imposed on him bc that’s the way I see things as a NT adult. He wants to be able to go to the mall and hang out, eat pizza, go to the movies….. He doesn’t want online friends. He wants the real thing. He sees all of these kids on social media and thinks he’s missing out. He tells me he wants a teenage life and he feels he’s missing out on it. That’s what makes it so hard. He knows they make fun of him. He knows they shun him. He’s very astute in that way. He just keeps trying. I wish he was happy being a lone wolf but the truth is that he isn’t. I’m sorry I’m rambling. I just need to blow off some steam and feel like someone hears me. I appreciate everyone’s input.

You should explain to him that everyone has their own path, some teenagers eat pizza in the mall, some don't and that's life too. Try to tell him the main idea that the problem is not in him but in the circumstances, maybe when he goes to university he will make friends there because students are more thoughtful and friendly and schoolchildren can be angry and aggressive. Tell him that for now this is how it is and that's also normal, but maybe in the future in a new team everything will change. Suggest that he watch videos on TikTok and YouTube on how to find friends, how to meet people, how to deal with anxiety, professionals explain there.

 

[AspieChris]

My brother was/is like your son. Very angry. Trouble fitting in. Few if any friends. Very smart. Constantly battling everyone around him…. but it’s never his own fault. Etc.

My advice is to start with food. Simple foods. Meals like clockwork, whatever works. Avoid caffeine and internet use. Get out into nature with him as much as possible. Left to our own choices, we usually pick the bad stuff (tv, soda, junk food,) Don’t even think about balanced nutrition at first. Routines matter more than nutrients.

Forget everything you think you know about raising a child and start back at the basics: Food, hydration, and sleep. And be patient. It takes a long time to undo bad habits.

And my brother still struggles, blames everyone but himself. But he has a wife, house, children, and his own business at 50 years old.