Monotone voice in groups, normal in 1:1 situations

[Duncan74]

I got some really valuable feedback at a work conference I was at this week. Basically as per the title. In 1:1 then I use inflexions in my voice to really good effect. However, in group situations, apparently I do really drone and that puts people off, they lose interest, get frustrated.

Does this resonate with anyone, and is there any logic behind that?

Another bit of feedback I got was around my body language. Again in groups then I move around a lot during discussions, including when others are talking. And this can be distracting. In part I think I'm trying to signal a desire to speak, or get that invite so that I can know when it's 'my turn. All great gifts of feedback that are going to be really helpful.

 

[VictorR]

I'm going to guess that when you're in group settings, you're anxious / stressed out and so you default to your natural state, which is with the flat tone.

I know that when I'm anxious (usually when I'm talking to someone who is upset at me), I tend to go flat, and then I get accused of being "robotic" and "unsympathetic".

 

[Progster]

I've been told that I'm monotone and boring to listen to. Not great if you are a teacher, one of the reasons that teaching classes never worked for me. Now I teach only one to one, and do make an effort to put more inflection into my voice. I still sound monotone, though, no matter how hard I try. It's masking, and exhausting; I have a tendency to want to default to my natural, monotonous style.

 

[Duncan74]

Thanks. That was a good suggestion, and I built on that. I was thinking of it was about the inability to read multiple people at once. So for 1:1 I'm 'reading ' the person and can concentrate to consciously adjust my voice to illicit the facial reaction in the other person. But with multiple then I can't do that so have no feedback loop.

 

[Rodafina]

Thanks. That was a good suggestion, and I built on that. I was thinking of it was about the inability to read multiple people at once. So for 1:1 I'm 'reading ' the person and can concentrate to consciously adjust my voice to illicit the facial reaction in the other person. But with multiple then I can't do that so have no feedback loop.

That makes alot of sense. It definitely sounds like an anxiety response that is dampening your social skills. I understand about a buildup of physical anxiety (moving around) when you are waiting for a turn to speak. It can be difficult to think that the conversation will move past the point of having a chance to add your comment. So much going on behind the scenes as we interact with others.

It’s so great you can take this feedback positively and use it to learn from. That in itself is a great ability to have. Someone too sensitive, like me, could take it too personally.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I can get more monotone in those situations. I think it's mostly from the stress of eye contact--feeling I'm being watched, and things like that. The worst is when people mock my voice, like I'm supposed to find that endearing or see myself as inferior. If I mocked all there vocal inflections and facial expressions they sure wouldn't like it.* And that stuff is tedious to me.

*And when I have mocked that stuff, they often think I'm finally becoming "normal" and we're bonding.

 

[NB79]

i took a neurologist test i don't rememebr if that the correct word but ok, for driving license,
one the things he detailed about me is that i have a 'monotonous' voice. I am always like that i think.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I got some really valuable feedback at a work conference I was at this week. Basically as per the title. In 1:1 then I use inflexions in my voice to really good effect. However, in group situations, apparently I do really drone and that puts people off, they lose interest, get frustrated.

Does this resonate with anyone, and is there any logic behind that?

Another bit of feedback I got was around my body language. Again in groups then I move around a lot during discussions, including when others are talking. And this can be distracting. In part I think I'm trying to signal a desire to speak, or get that invite so that I can know when it's 'my turn. All great gifts of feedback that are going to be really helpful.

I've been in education for over 25 years, both at the university and at hospitals, professional conferences, etc.. Of course, part of that is standing up in front of groups of people and talking, lecturing, etc. When I first started doing lectures for the hospital, I was still in my 20's, and I would have to travel to smaller, outlying hospitals and do education. There's nurses, respiratory therapists, physicians, and I am in a strange place, they don't know me, I don't know them, so sure, there was a bit of social anxiety there.

Social anxiety tends to tighten up the vocal cords. In some cases, it tightens up enough that you literally can't get a word out, but more often it comes in the form of monotone voice. I have found with age, experience, and confidence that I can "loosen up" a bit, relax, and only then can I do things like (1) walk around the room, (2) use hand gestures, (3) use humor, (4) use emotional facial expressions and voice inflection, etc.

I often will use situational stories and analogies, commonly relatable things and ideas, as a means of making a connection with the audience. Although one has to be careful not to get off track on some tangent, it gives you an opportunity to have these short, little side conversations about your experiences. These often have some sort of emotional content to them. It's why you remembered it. So talking about it often gives you an opportunity to express some emotion, voice inflection, humor, facial expressions, etc. It "humanizes" the presentation, instead of standing up there and loosing the audience after 15-20 minutes of monotone droning on a topic they may not be familiar or interested in. Your job, in a way, is to make that topic interesting enough to stay engaged, get their mind going, and have them ask questions.

Feedback. If you want to know how well you've engaged the audience with your speaking, wait until the end. If you did your job right, there will be questions. If you didn't, then dead silence. You just lost them. Been there, done that.

 

[Luca]

I can get more monotone in those situations. I think it's mostly from the stress of eye contact--feeling I'm being watched, and things like that. The worst is when people mock my voice, like I'm supposed to find that endearing or see myself as inferior. If I mocked all there vocal inflections and facial expressions they sure wouldn't like it.* And that stuff is tedious to me.

*And when I have mocked that stuff, they often think I'm finally becoming "normal" and we're bonding.

Omg. I'm so sorry people did that to you. That's so mean. It's not endearing at all, and it's hurtful.

My mom mocks my voice all the time, and I really hope I don't sound the way she makes me sound. She imitates me in a really whiny, nasally voice with a lot of emphasis and inflection in the wrong areas.

My actual voice fluctuates between high and low pitch, and if I'm talking about something I don't find interesting, I can be kind of monotone and lacking proper inflection. If I'm interested or excited, or being humorous, then I'm all over the place.

My voice is actually one of my biggest insecurities and that's why I don't post videos of myself talking, and I'm not comfortable talking on the phone unless I really know someone. I think I sound like a pre-pubescent teenage boy, to be completely honest :/ Complete with voice cracks and all...
The only good thing about my voice is that when a telemarketer calls me, I say "Hold on, I have to ask my parents" and they hang up real quick lol

 

[Mr. Stevens]

^ That's hilarious about the telemarketer. I'm sorry about the rest. I definitely relate. My voice can be all over the place, depending on different factors. Naturally, it's deep and even. But if I'm anxious then it will get higher and the inflections might be odd. Typically, I don't find speaking to be comfortable, physically. But, it depends on the situation and topic. When my voice becomes odd it's usually because of a boundary break: too much noise, eye contact, touch, etc. It doesn't occur to non-Autistic people that our "odd" voices can be signs of distress.

I've often been mocked for being monotone, and I've often been mocked for showing enthusiasm, just because people don't expect it. Both are very annoying. People wonder why Autistics are so quiet--well, that's one reason. Who wants to second guess every noise they make?

I also hate when people tell me to control my tone of voice. Like I need to inflect more or worry about what I'm conveying to other people with vocal inflections. It doesn't occur to them that I am controlling my voice, and this the best that will get. It's not me being being lazy or stupid. I've met a few non-Autistic people who want to blame me for misunderstandings because I didn't inflect the right way. Like I'm supposed to manage other people's thoughts and emotions.

 

[Rodafina]

I’m a big mumbler. Didn’t realize it, but I am. It takes great effort to speak at all. When I am feeling anxious my voices trembles and cracks, too, and I hate that.

The one thing that has helped me articulate better is working with elders and my own mother who is hard of hearing. But still, it takes great effort to annunciate.

 

[Duncan74]

I'm actually fairly good in large presentations. I think that's as I can prepare and do tend to add in a fair few self deprecating humourus nuggets to break it up. It's meetings with say half a dozen to a dozen people that I'm struggling in.

I'm wondering if I try to just focus on one or two people for the cues that may help. I do worry that will then change and mean soem people feel excluded. But perhaps there will be something new that I find that can then be the next stage.

 

[1ForAll]

I am not sure if any inflection difficulties I have is genetic or just mild lifelong depression because of traumatic life experiences and need to keep an even keel for most things, meaning not get too up or too down because that could be a roller coaster of emotions inside me then. Perhaps I feel stronger and more in control this way.

In my case, I have some ability naturally or learned to show some feeling through voice, but it is not near to the levels of NT females, nor even typical males. The big question is do I want to appear that way anyway? Is it better just to be myself there, and let all those others seem more loose or mask that way?

But, I do admit I personally would like to have more practice socializing with more nonjudgmental persons, to minimize my pauses, to react quicker and with more relevancy to what they ask or say, to seem more comfortable, clear and/or smooth, and to be less brief or show more my vocal thoughts there to others, to match better my more expressive writing abilities.

So, if anyone here would like to one day practice their social skills either one-to-one, or in a small group format with others here if you prefer that instead, zoom or other (audio, with avatar or with or without video--your choice there) where each can get their turn and either express in the way they see fit without any and all judgment, or to improve any skills they desire there, and at their own pace, I would be fine with trying that as I am always trying to work through social issues or make them less stressful for the future..

 

[MildredHubble]

When I'm around my family and friends I've noticed my voice has lots of inflections and tones. I'm quite good at mimicking what would be the UK equivalent of a "Valley Girl" when I'm sending up people that talk rubbish and think they are masters of the universe.

But in group situations I have received comments that my voice is flat and monotone until I either feel relaxed or the group situation is over.

An example would be when I was at school and trying to contribute or answer a question. I remember one teacher interrupting me mid sentence to tell me how boring and monotonous my voice was.

I've also had people make comments and imitate my voice or ask how I "said all that without moving your lips?" Some people said I sounded like Eyore from the Whinnie the Pooh cartoons and said "you always sound so depressing".

The nuance in my voice is definitely proportional to the amount of comfort and confidence I have.

 

[Angular Chap]

I get a similar thing, my voice changes, but I never noticed it by myself, it was other people, and actually pretty funny.

I recorded myself making a dentist appointment once, just to triple check the date and time and when I listened to the recording I noticed I sounded like I was 15 years old and even better, my accent had traveled west to nearer Glasgow!

Those in the UK may remember a comedy/impression show from the early 2000s called 2DTV. Well, when I was at high school, people remarked that when I had to talk in front of the class, I sounded like George W Bush from that show! I know my accent travels west when I'm nervous, but alllll the way to Texas?!

So when I'm relaxed, my voice is normal and almost professional, when I'm nervous, like a 15 year old guy from Glasgow doing a comedy impression of George W Bush!

 

[Hypnalis]

It sounds like you have more than one issue.

The one you're asking about is very likely a result of your running out of "brain capacity" because there are more people than you can handle.

That can be handled the same way as a presentation is handled - interact with the group as a whole, and don't focus in individuals as individuals, but as part if the group.
We can talk about this some more of you like, but you'll have to work out your own training methods.

* Your non-monotone voice probably isn't perfect either. Professionals can help with that, or you can start a larger project yourself.
* Similarly, you may not be managing what you say in group contexts well. You might be getting professionally redirected if you sometimes work with people who are good at managing a meeting - I can explain what to look for.
* The twitchy body language is probably related, but different. This sounds like a boundary problem - self control rather than "overload".

 

[Duncan74]

It sounds like you have more than one issue.

The one you're asking about is very likely a result of your running out of "brain capacity" because there are more people than you can handle.

That can be handled the same way as a presentation is handled - interact with the group as a whole, and don't focus in individuals as individuals, but as part if the group.
We can talk about this some more of you like, but you'll have to work out your own training methods.

* Your non-monotone voice probably isn't perfect either. Professionals can help with that, or you can start a larger project yourself.
* Similarly, you may not be managing what you say in group contexts well. You might be getting professionally redirected if you sometimes work with people who are good at managing a meeting - I can explain what to look for.
* The twitchy body language is probably related, but different. This sounds like a boundary problem - self control rather than "overload".

Thanks for making the time to respond.
Regarding the 3 '*' points.
1) The feedback from a couple of people was very much about the contrast. That 1:1 or 1:small I have a really impactful way of 'story telling' and engaging. It's as it goes to groups then people can't help but turn off. I need to spend some time over the coming weeks watching a few MS Teams recordings back (urgh, everyone hates listening to themselves).
2) In relation to the meetings, about half the time they are 'my' meetings, or to phrase differently they are meeting that I issued the invite to, I'm the chair setting the agenda and am the 'senior' party. Which of course means nothing at all if I am sending people into a slumber after they've come into the room. I suspect I actually make it worse, as I think if I sense people losing interest I try to engage them by.....talking more with the view that what I'm saying will interest/motivate despite them having turned off. Again doing some recordings on my phone and listening back is going to be an uncomfortable but useful tool I think
3) Interesting.

I get a similar thing, my voice changes, but I never noticed it by myself, it was other people, and actually pretty funny.

Many thanks for sharing. And also I appreciate the self confidence, in the way you present it.

 

[Darkkin]

I do all right as long as I don't have to make eye contact and I like my topic. I will talk to my dog, but I talk at the general direction of people.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Duncan74

It sounds like you need to work on your meeting management skills in general as part of the voice and content objectives.

If I'm right about your "running out of masking capacity" this will take a lot of effort from you.

Even if it's something else, it will be a big job. But so if your ND nature isn't a major cause, it can be handled differently - there's training available for things like this,

 

[Vindiesel]

I got some really valuable feedback at a work conference I was at this week. Basically as per the title. In 1:1 then I use inflexions in my voice to really good effect. However, in group situations, apparently I do really drone and that puts people off, they lose interest, get frustrated.

Does this resonate with anyone, and is there any logic behind that?

Another bit of feedback I got was around my body language. Again in groups then I move around a lot during discussions, including when others are talking. And this can be distracting. In part I think I'm trying to signal a desire to speak, or get that invite so that I can know when it's 'my turn. All great gifts of feedback that are going to be really helpful.

My opinion would be that when you are 1 on 1 you can cater to or a level of mimicry in regards to a level of transference in dealing with people one on one (personalized pan pizza). In a group the lack of inflexion or monotone voice is because it is generalized speech towards all to get the information across and is just a distinct one size fits all. Atleast thats I how I see it.